Silence

Trigger Warning: This story contains toxic escapisms, suicide, self-harm and heavy drama. Read at your own risk.

My plants died. I stopped watering them.

“Time of death, 7:31 PM.”

Wails from the relatives rang the whole ED. One of them even shook me hard that I almost stumbled and drop myself, mabuti na lang at napigilan ni Tripp. I gripped on Tripp’s arms.

“May anak siyang dalawa… Doc, baka naman pwede pa,” pakiusap ng nanay ng pasyente. Diretso ko itong tinignan samata at umiling. She cried more, kneeling down in front of the bed. My gripped on Tripp’s arms tightened more.

I felt bad because I didn’t get to save another life again, but I felt more bad when I cannot feel their agony.

“Break ka muna, hmm? Ako na mag-aasikaso dito. I’ll ask Inigo to sub you.”

I found myself nodding in Tripp’s suggestion. Dalawang araw na rin akong gising sa kadahilanang hindi pa pumapasok ang mga bridging residents sa hospital, at understaffed ang Emergency Department. Kahit na ayaw ko munang magpahinga, pinilit ko ang sarili kong maglakad papunta sa lounge.

Ikalawang patay na iyon sa mga nakalipas na araw akong duty. Ikalawang hinanakit din ang nakita ko. But I can’t seem to find their emotions inside me. I am not numb… I rather see it as emotionally tired.

Napaupo ako sa sofa bago naglabas ng mabigat na buntong-hininga. Parang ngayon lang ako binagsakan ng pagod at ngayon ko lang ito naramdaman. I noticed that the common lounge wasn’t really empty when papers from a certain table started dropping, creating noticeable thump.

Binuksan ko ang isang mata para tignan kung sino ‘yon.

“Sorry po! Hala, sorry, hindi ko po sinasadya!”

Isa-isa niyang pinulot ang nahulog na papel kaya naman ay napabangon ako sa kinauupuan.

Wala namang nasabi na may bagong resident ngayon, ah. At saka, June pa lang naman. Wala pang klase. I slowly went to her and squatted to help.

Her long wavy hair was touching the floor, and because I know how much bacteria was in our floor, sinakop ko ang buhok niya at nilagay sa likod para hindi humalik sa sahig. Kinakabahan niya akong tignan kaya tumango lang ako at ngumiti.

“Residente ka ba? Wala kasing anunsyo galing sa higher-ups.” Mahina kong tanong dahil para talaga siyang mai-ihi sa kan’yang kinaroroonan. Gusto kong tumawa, pero baka umiyak na talaga ito ng tuluyan.

“Opo- ay, hindi po! Ano po, uhm, Phlebotomist po. Bago lang po ako na-hire, kahapon po.”

Hindi ko na mapigilang tumawa. Kaya pala nauutal. I patted her back softly and grabbed the papers I collected. Sumunod din siyang tumayo, pinapagpag ang uniporme na berde.

“’Wag ka matakot sa ‘kin, hindi ako nangangagat. Yung mga chief doctors lang, sobrang lakas, kaya you should beware.” Kumindat ako bago nilagay ang papel sa lamesa at nagdesisyong pumunta na lang sa cafeteria. I felt like she has something important to do.

I was about to walk out when she didn’t answer.

“Doc, ano po pangalan niyo?”

Napahinto ako sa paglabas sa kanyang tanong.

Mapait akong sumulyap at ngumiti ulit. “Liliana Romero. Sa ED mo ako makikita.”

-

“May bagong phlebotomist sa hospital?” I asked Bruno but he only shrugged.

Break din pala ang mga CTSD kaya timing na nakasalamuha ko si Bruno sa cafeteria. I grunted when I sipped on my soup. Mainit pala, tangina.

“Hindi ko rin alam, pero baka meron. May tatlong ER nurse rin na bago. Hindi naman nagpapa-alam ang higher ups na may mga bago. Kung si President Jude, baka posible pa.”

“Sayang talaga no,” I said, sharing my sentiments on what he last said. “Ang ganda ng pamamalakad ni President Jude dati, sobrang smooth pa. Dami pa nating incentives tapos trips. Ngayon, halos wala na.”

Tumango si Bruno at tinuro ako sa kutsara niya. May chismis na naman siguro. I almost laughed when I remembered Osher and Harlett at his gesture. Damn, I miss them.

I wish I could find way to talk to Harlett again.

“Alaam mo ba, after bumalik ni papi Chad dito, may outing ang whole emergency department.”

“Ha? Bakit hindi ko alam ‘yan?”

He sipped first on his water before he looked around. Ginaya ko rin siya. Wala namang tao dito kundi kami at nurses sa PICU. Tapos mga cook.

“Narinig ko mag-usap si Chief Tripp at Professor Bjorn kahapon. If swerte na hindi toxic ang anniversary ng GUMC, baka nga sama ang iba sa CTSD. Hindi naman kasi siya wholly outing, parang may study session ding ganapan.”

I almost smacked Bruno.

I got my hopes high! May discussion naman palang gaganapin!

“Alam mo, ayusin mo word structure mo, umasa pa naman ako,” I said and got my full attention in eating when I heard him laugh. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

“Pagdasal mo na may inuman, baka love ka ni Lord, dinggin ka.”

“Shut up.”

Bruno and I caught up some more before we decided to split ways. Sila pala ang pinaka-toxic ngayon. Last Friday night, kami naman. I wasn’t really thankful about that since I encountered deaths on my 3 day duty, but at least it wasn’t that toxic. Nag-standby lang din ako sa ER. Wala ring tao, iilang pasyente lang na wala pang room na vacant. Dahil wala akong magawa, kinuha ko lang ang ibang charts sa station at inaral ang iba.

I was on my seventh chart nang kalabitin ako ng head nurse, nagsasabing kailangan ko maghanda dahil may paparating na pasyente.

“Anong nangyari?” I asked for more details, but the only thing she can say was internal hemorrhage, probably from a fall. Tumango ako at naghanda ng maayos na higaan para ilagay ang pasyente.

Mga ilang minuto lang at dumating na ang pasyente. The patient had a severe case of internal hemorrhage when I got to examine him in the ER. Agad ko itong binigyan ng paunang lunas bago tumawag ng pediatric surgeon para sa bata. Based from the injury, she looks like an abused kid. Marami itong pasa sa katawan, lalo na sa bandang tiyan, parang pinagsisipa mismo ng kabayo. I closed my eyes as I tried to reach one of pediatric surgeons in our hospital.

How could… I clenched my palm.

Kaya talaga ang research ko sa pre-med years ko ay may kinalaman sa mga magulang na kailangan ng therapy. Parang may kumulo sa kaloob-looban ko.

A minute later, one of the staff answered, and unfortunately, the professor was in another operation, kaya wala akong choice kundi tawagin ang napaka… ayoko na lang magsalita.

“Yes, baby girl? Nauna ka atang tumawag-”

“Doctor Zora, let’s be professional for at least once.”

Narinig ko siyang humalakhak sa kabilang linya na ikinainis ko pa. Kapag may nangyari sa bata, siya talaga pagbubuntungan ko.

“Okay. What’s the case that made you call me first? You hated calling me.”

“A child came to my emergency room with heavy internal hemorrhage and bruises, after by after that it was almost in rainbow color. Most of them are in the stomach, purple, so I suspected the kid was abused-”

“I’ll be there. Keep the kid at the bay.”

Hindi pa ako natapos sa pag-report nang putulan niya ako ng tawag. That was the only thing I like about him. He’s quick to read the room. Wala pang limang minuto ay nakita ko siyang mabilis na tumatakbo patungo sa ‘min, his short wavy hair sticking on his forehead.

“Get me an operating room.”

Tumango ang isang nurse sa tabi ko bago kami iniwan. We discussed more about the kid before I helped them move her in the OR. That kid must live.

When I saw the OR lit in green, I went out, removing my mask and gown.

I sighed. Inikot ko ang aking braso nang maramdamang sumakit ito bigla. Dahil na rin siguro sa tensyon na nararamdaman ko kanina pa. I opened my mouth to at least let a yawn out so that I wouldn’t feel tired enough.

I stayed in the ER for an hour again, without patients. My mind kept on coming back at the kid. The kid must’ve lived a hard life, imagining the bruises I saw on her stomach. What made her endure pain like that? She even came to the ER alone. Intentional incidents like this makes me feel like I was choked. I may say that I cannot feel anything at the moment, but when it comes to kids and teenagers who has harder life for their age, I’m livid. Sad. Curious. The world’s too cruel for their own good. They should’ve been playing and crushing, feeling safe from everything, but they got this instead.

I didn’t noticed I fell asleep thinking about the kid. Nagising lamang ako nang makaramdam ako ng pagyugyog sa balikat. I was about to get mad when I remembered I slept in the ER.

It was Plum who woke me up.

“Doc, sorry po sa gising, pero wala na kasing available na duty na pediatric, eh. Sorry po, wala akong choice kundi gisingin ka, alam ko pong pagod ka pa sa nakaraaang duty mo,” wika niya at humingi ulit ng paumanhin pero tumango lang ako.

I asked what’s the problem and led me to a curtained bed. Inayos ko muna ang aking buhok para presentable akong tignan. Anong sitwasyon na naman kaya ito?

The time I opened the curtains, a woman with red cellophane was crying beside a kid who’s in a ventilator. Lumingon ako kay Plum para kunin sana ang charts pero may nagsalita na sa gilid ko.

“He’s an unfortunate kid who has leukemia.”

Bigla akong ginapangan ng lamig nang makita kung sino ang nagsalita.

You’re… alive?