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Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 8
8AN HOUR LATER,Mary Sue and I are in a town car being escorted to headquarters. We are both so exhausted even Mary Sue takes the ride in silence—which is not a natural state of being for her.I get a strange sense of déjà vuas—for the second time in twenty-four hours—we make our way through the porn warehouse to the secret entrance to the subterranean corridors, and back to the domain of the F.U.C.K.’s.“See ya in a few, girlfriend!” Mary Sue chirps cheekily, the first words she’s uttered all morning, as we separate into our respective make-over rooms.I groan audibly when I see that, unlike yesterday, my team of F.U.C.K.’s are all men. I guess they decided to even it out and let Mary Sue have a turn with ... what was her name? Jenny? Gemma? Geranium? Meh, whatever. Not like it matters.“Please take it easy on the boobs this time, guys,” I sigh resignedly, and with little hope of being listened to.Sure enough, all I get in response is a smirk from the le
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 9
9WE TOUCHDOWN INNashville at about 9:30 p.m. The flight was relatively uneventful, except for Mary Sue’s incessant spew of verbal vomit. Being confined in a sardine can with this woman for four hours makes me want to suggest that Guantanamo Bay look into utilizing Mary Sue as a replacement method of torture as opposed to water boarding—half an hour into the flight and I was already at the point where I would tell anyone my deepest darkest secrets just for the sake of shutting her up.By the time we landed however, we were both so exhausted after the long two days we just went through that Mary Sue is back to her previous, albeit non-characteristic, complacent and silent state. It’s just as well that T.H.E.M. traditionally arranges transportation service for agents from the airport to their living arrangement, because I don’t think either of us are in a state where we can be trusted to operate a motor vehicle (anyone who points out that my radar intolerance makes me permanently
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10I CROSS THEroom to my bed and kneel down by the safe under the bedside cabinet. I open the safe with a combination provided to me in my T.H.E.M. documentation and pull out a stack of manila envelopes—my case files. The safe, of course, had been sent by T.H.E.M. to the hotel to be placed in my room prior to arrival, and a duplicate safe is in Mary Sue’s room, as well.“You haven’t even looked at those yet, have you,” Mary Sue tisks with annoyance, indicating the envelopes in my hands.I roll my eyes, then retort, “For the love of Captain Hammer’s nipples, Lindsay, gimme a break already.” Even though we are now in the privacy of my suite, it’s probably best to stay in character, just in case a housekeeper walks in on us or something, and so I maintain my accent and use of Mary Sue’s dupe name.“Fine, whatever,” Mary Sue huffs in annoyance. “While you’re catching up, I’m gonna order room service. Do you want anything?”“No, I already ate,” I say as I plop myself onto my bed
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11BEFORE LEAVING, we each lock our case files back up in our respective safes, to keep the housekeepers from randomly stumbling upon them.It is standard operating procedure for T.H.E.M. to have operatives use a company-issued vehicle while on assignment. As I’ve already explained, I’m something of an exception to that rule thanks to my radar sensitivity, which is one of the fewadvantages to being forced to have Mary Sue along with me on this assignment. I don’t particularly enjoy being escorted around, but it’s definitely preferable to having to take public transportation.However, something—a mischievous glint in her eye, a slight smirk, an almost too-eager spring in her step—about Mary Sue’s attitude as we make our way down to the hotel lobby makes me suspect she is hiding something, and I suspect that something has to do with our mode of transportation. By the time we get out of the hotel and into the parking lot, she is practically bursting at the seams with bubbly excit
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12WE FOLLOW THE beat-up Grobes truck at a distance so as not to garner too much attention. Fortunately, it’s starting to get dark out, which will make it harder for them to distinguish us.After about a ten-minute drive, we find ourselves approaching the center of town and the truck turns right off of the main road into a parking lot, facilitating a large, white building. Mary Sue parks the car about a block away, and we watch as the two Clarks—easily distinguishable even in the fading twilight by the girth of one and lack of girth of the other—get out of the truck and disappear into the white building.We wait in the car for about fifteen minutes, to make sure no one else arrives, before getting out and making our way down the block to investigate closer. The parking lot looks to be about half full, so the two Clarks must have been the last of the group to arrive.As we draw closer to the white building, we begin to see a sign clearly marked at the front of the building: Bucksnor
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 13
13WHEN WE ARRIVEback at The Hotel Dickson, we are eagerly greeted in the lobby by our friend from the night before, Tim the Bellman.“Welcome back Ms. Buchanan, Ms. Dieterle, is there anything I can assist you with this evening?” Tim asks, reminding me of a love-sick puppy dog. I can’t help if he’s hoping to get another of Mary Sue’s ‘tips.’“Easy there, Tim,” says an older, balding man wearing the same monkey organ-grinder uniform as Tim, stepping between Tim and ourselves. I assume from his reprimand that he’s a supervisor or something. “I gather you are our new long-term residents?” The balding man inquires of Mary Sue and myself.“Yes,” Mary Sue says in her thick, fake, southern drawl. “I’m Lindsay Buchanan, and this is my associate Nanetta Dieterle.”“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” the man replies—as his eyes wander over us, I can feel him undressing us and I have to refrain from visibly shuddering with revulsion. “I am Howard, the head of Guest Services here at The Hot
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 14
14I WAKE UPeven more tense and sore than I did yesterday. Before anything else, I call the spa and ask when is the soonest they can get me in. The girl on the phone checks her ledger, and then responds that she can squeeze me in, in about 15 minutes. I tell her I’ll be right down, then hop in the shower, and practically sprint to the spa.By pure chance, I’m able to get the same masseuse from the day before, Bill. Hey, just because I won’t allow myself to sleep with him, doesn’t mean I have to refrain from letting him rub me down in other ways ...By the end of my massage, I’ve made up my mind on a matter I’ve been toggling in my mind ever since waking up—and I’d be lying if I said hunky Bill didn’t have something to do with settling the matter. Mary Sue is going to be unbearable when I confess this decision to her, but it’s clear after two nights in a row of dreaming about Jason and Nick that I need to do something to make these dreams stop before I go insane. We
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15I CAN’T CLAIMto be surprised Mary Sue gets a response from Clark Jr. before noon. Considering that Clark Jr. is a basement-dwelling loser, he probably has spent every day since dropping out of high school having wet dreams imagining getting such an e-mail. There’s a reason I didn’t even try to place a bet on who would get first response.“wow, ur super hawt! im total down for w/e you wanna do so hit me up babe,” I read the response from Clark Jr. over Mary Sue’s shoulder.“I guess you’re gonna be heading over to his basement to jump him right now, then?” I smirk.“Geez, Nanetta, I’m not a totalwhore, you know. I’m still gonna make him work for it. That’s half the fun,” Mary Sue replies—despite the sarcasm, I sense I may have actually hurt her feelings. Worst of all, I feel guilty about it. Porcupines damnit. I hate feeling guilty.“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything. I was just teasing.”“It’s okay, hon, we’re good,” Mary Sue replies, brushing off my apology with a
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Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 31
31I WAIT UNTILmidnight, and then make the drive out to Bucksnort, my plan fully formed, all the while praying I don’t cross the path of a speed trap and wind up in a radar-induced coma.I go to Duke’s apartment first, as his murder will be the simplest to take care of, since he lives alone. Using my trusted lock pick, I break into his apartment for the second time this week. I’m glad I was the one who bugged Duke’s apartment, because having a mental image of the apartment’s layout helps me navigate my way through it in the dark.I tiptoe down the hall to Duke’s bedroom, and enter to find him, snoring lightly on the bed. I cross the room and kneel by the bed. As I look at him sleeping so peacefully, I start to wonder if I will actually be able to go through with this.I put my knife down on the edge of the bed, and reach over to stroke his hair. Duke suddenly wakes with a start.“Jesus, Nanny!” he gasps. “You scared the shit out of me, what are you doing here?”“I’m sorry,”
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30“WHAT THE FUCK?” I scream, rushing to Mary Sue’s side, even though I already know there is nothing I can do to help her. “You said–”“I said I had explicit instructions not to kill you, Sarah,” Nick replies with a bored shrug, as if we were discussing something as mundane as the weather, not his murdering my only friend in the world. “I didn’t say anything about Mary Sue.”I raise my handgun to shoot, but Nick has already disappeared into the shadows. I spin around, searching every shadow for some sign of my foe.Suddenly, I feel Nick’s foot sharply connect with my back and I am pushed forward, my handgun clattering across the floor of the church as the wind is knocked out of me.As I try to regain my breath, Nick flips me onto my back and sits on my stomach, straddling my torso between his thighs, and further pushing what wind was left out of my struggling lungs.“I said it in Duluth, Sara, and I’ll say it again,” Nick breathes menacingly into my ear. “It’s too bad you aren’t
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29WE AGREE TOput off our surveillance of the Anderson Klan’s town hall meeting—everything will be recorded and available for us to listen to when we come back. Settling things with Nick Jin is a far higher priority. And of course we don’t leave un-armed, we each sport a handgun, and I also have my favorite knife in a scabbard tucked under the waistband of my jeans.After a fifteen minute drive to Montgomery Bell State Park, we find a campground to park the Skank Mobile, and make the remaining trek on foot, following the directions on my phone to a quaint old log cabin-style church. A plaque outside reads ‘First Cumberland Presbyterian Church.’“This must be it,” Mary Sue whispers. “This reeks of an ambush ... ”“I know, but it was just Nick that met me at Enger Tower in Duluth, so maybe it’ll just be him again ... ” I whisper back, not really sure how much I believe the words myself.“Well, either way, we might as well do what we came here to do,” Ma
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28THE NEXT TWO DAYS, pass in pretty much the same fashion. I wake up tense after a night of incessant nightmares and find the parking lot of the hotel plagued with flashing red and blue lights (Thursday morning’s victim was Kirk Arce, a 45 year-old male killed in room 329, and Friday’s was Sandra Campbell, a 36 year-old female killed in room 710). I get my daily massage from Bill the Masseuse. Mary Sue and I spend the day listening to surveillance tapes. In the evenings, Mary Sue visits Clark Jr. (who still can’t find the ‘magic button’) and unsuccessfully tries to get information out of him, while I meet up with Duke and have equal success getting information out of him, followed by admittedly great sex which still leaves me wanting to slice him open with a knife. Duke leaves, Mary Sue gets back to the hotel and we compare useless notes, I go to bed and the nonsense starts all over again.Saturday morning starts much the same, except I wake up knowing this madness is almost over. W
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27WE STOP OURinvestigations late in the afternoon when I get a call from Duke letting me know he’s on his way. Knowing that I need to work on getting information out of him, I suggest we meet at the coffee shop on the corner and he agrees (though I’m sure he wouldn’t protest if I asked him to come straight to my room again ... )Half an hour later, I’m sitting at our usual table in the coffee shop, and my fucking traitorous heart skips a couple beats when Duke walks in the door.We hug, kiss each other on the cheek, and order our coffees. Duke talks about a beat-up old Chevy he’s working on at the shop which is probably on its last legs. I make up a story about how the ‘lawyer I’m working for’ is a total ass who is constantly trying to get in my pants. Basic small talk—stuff I usually hate engaging in, but for some reason I don’t mind it so much with Duke (partly because I don’t actually have to be honest with him about my side of things).“So, do you have any pl
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26BY THIS POINT,you should be able to see where this is going. Once again, last night’s activities did nothing to free me of my cursed nocturnal visions. On the plus side, the dreams did not get more horrific this time, like they did after Saturday night. It’s a small blessing, but I’ll take it.On the bright side, when I look out the window I see the parking it is once again lit up by cop cars, so it seems Nick is back on schedule. Yay, for that ...I send Zeke a text, asking for more information about the newest kill and then head down to the spa for my daily spa appointment. Apparently Bill’s gotten more comfortable with me over the last week, ‘cause he goes a bit further south on my backrub than he has so far. I don’t raise any objections, though, because there’s plenty of tension in that area, too. I briefly consider suddenly flipping over and seeing just how willing Bill is to risk losing his job (seeing as Duke isn’t doing the trick to get rid of my fucking
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25AFTER ALMOST ANentire week of sleeping through never-ending sex nightmares, I’ve more or less gotten used to waking up with every muscle in my body knotted and barely even register the tension coursing through every limb. I pull myself out of bed and cross to the window to look outside, fully expecting to see another caravan of Red and Blue cars clogging up the hotel parking lot. But, aside from the normal cars of the guests and staff of the hotel, the lot is empty. Not even one cop car in sight.You’d think that would ease my concerns, but instead it heightens them. After consistently killing someone each night for the last three nights (four if you count Craig the Waiter—which I’m still not entirely convinced we should be), why would Nick—or whichever of his minions is currently stalking The Hotel Dickson—suddenly take a break? I try to tell myself maybe it’s just the body hasn’t been found yet, but I can’t believe it would be that easy.By this point, the spa receptionis
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 24
24WE GET BACKto the hotel as twilight is settling in and return to my room to start breaking down Nick’s latest string of killings. Seeing as I’m the one who discovered the code in Duluth, Mary Sue lets me take point on this exercise. We start off with my recapping how I stumbled upon Nick’s code in the first place.“I didn’t just luck out and happen upon it right away,” I begin. “I’d been going through the case files for several hours. I was starting to lose it, so I decided to go to square one and just list out each victim, like this.”It takes me a minute to recall every name, but one thing I’ve always been proud of is my memory. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I have an eidetic memory, but pretty close to that. It’s one of the reasons I hold grudges for so long.Anyway, I eventually get it all written out, and then underline the first letter of each name on the list.Susan BakerAdam JacksonRaven ArronsonAmaranda CosackHenry PollsKyle AndrewsIan BondLavanna
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 23
23MUCH TO MY utter disappointment and annoyance, the dreams do not abate that night. There is, however, one more tiny change to the narrative of the cycle. Previously, at the part where Jason/Duke turned into Nick, it was kind of a seamless change; one second it was Jason or Duke making love to me, and then it was Nick. I thought thatwas disturbing enough. Now, as Duke and I are going at it, I take a knife, plunge it into his back. Then, without losing a beat to the thumping of our passions, Duke reaches behind himself and begins pulling his skin away from the hole I just made in his back. He pulls and pulls, and his skin stretches, until he’s peeled it all off, revealing Nick underneath.Look, as you’ve undoubtedly figured out by now, I ain’t exactly a squeamish girl. I’ve watched my share of grotesque horror movies, and more often than not they just make me laugh or want to work as a consultant for Hollywood horror writers. However, that is some seriouslyfucked-up shit
