Chapter 2: Something Graceless

1 laughed at her, and she joined in. We took our food to a table by the glass windows and sat across from each other on small cushioned seats.

"So," I asked. "Has he called?"

"It's been two days, and he still hasn't gotten the nerve to ask."

I bit into a raspberry macaron. "Well, why don't you ask him?"

She looked at me as if I had grown two heads.

"What? It's not that easy. I mean, we've only gone out once before and I don't want to seem pushy."

I shook my head at her condescendingly. “Rachael Willams,You're a strong and independent woman,

Take charge, Do what you want and screw what it seems like. Our university is so damn big you'll find a way to avoid him if it comes to that."

She scrunched up her nose, appearing to be giving it another thought. "Yeah, no. Not going to happen."

"Whatever, Racheal. Be that way."

"I will!" She laughed, drinking her coffee. "By the way, will you be starting your master's in psyche this year, or in English?"

"This year, yes, in psyche.

"Before you're twenty-one. Jesus! I'm not dealing with that stress, but it seems to be worth it, right?"

She was referring to my having finished an associate's degree in high school.

"Difficult, but worth it. Except for the fact that I didn't go right into freshman year of college and missed out on all the partying.

She laughed wholeheartedly. "You're not much for partying anyway. You like the sophisticated life.

"I do not."

"That or rock concerts and new travel destinations."

I gave a reluctant nod. "Yeah, that could be true."

With that we chuckled and finished off some more macarons. I went to the counter to order two espressos and sat down again, knowing the moment I sat that Racheal was going to do it.

"Emily, what's with you?" She asked, eyes attentively scrutinizing my expression.

"With me? Only mind, body, and soul, I hope."

She rolled her eyes, but couldn't help but to smile.

"No. Not a joke. I'm serious. You seem happy and independent and careless. As you always do. But-But there's something wrong.

"I promise you there isn't. Are you asking me if I've been hurt?" I grinned, arching an eyebrow carelessly. "I haven't been with anyone seriously for like, ever. So no."

"I know. That's one of the reasons why I'm asking.

You purposefully shut them away. You don't let men get to you."

"Not purposefully. I just don't want anything serious, so it happens instinctively."

"No, Emilia, it doesn't. And you have been hurt. I see it in those dark, black eyes of yours."

"Have you resorted to prose and poetry now, Racheal?" I smirked.

"No, Emilia! I wish you would be serious right now." She looked at me with desperation and frustration, all fused into one in a manner that managed to tug at my feelings.

1 took her hand and squeezed. "Girlie, I'm fine.

Everything is fine. I'm doing well in school. I'm with friends and family and I'm living. No one has hurt me. I haven't let them," I winked.

She didn't smile. Just stayed with her eyes set. "But someone did."

I knew just from the way her face became still who she was referring to.

"you mean Leon?" I asked, tossing his name into the air as if to take any meaning away from the word. "That was years ago. I hardly even remember his face."

She watched me a second longer than was necessary, and I hid my discomfort with a mask of numbness.

"Okay, I won't push it. Just know that I saw Justin, and he asked me how you were."

"We're friends."

"He likes you, Emily."

I looked to the side and anywhere but at my friend.

"He does not. Can I finish my coffee, please?

Without the drama?"

"Fine. Fine. How about we go check out a few stores and forget I mentioned anything?"

I let out an audible breath of relief. "Sounds like a plan.”

* * *

It was while I brushed my wet hair that night that our conversation started to play in my head.

Racheal's words were faded, and distant, but I could remember them somehow.

Yet they weren't true.

I was happy. I was content. I was safe and free and God, I wouldn't have it any other way.

My happiness didn't depend on any single person, as it did two years ago. But I had let that part of my life go. The pain and the longing and the anger had all just vanished so that I was left relieved. Empty. And that wasn't a lie.

But yes, sitting here perfectly still in a silence that could penetrate no other, I faced just one lie I had told her, a harmless one.

I could remember his face. Every part of it. And I was certain it had changed since then. The watery green eyes, the golden brown locks of curly hair, the bronzed skin and inviting grin. His height and his built. The grace of him.

But they were all just memories. And I had only been eighteen.

I had never felt such disappointment and pure heartache as I did then.

I thought about him, for so long at a time that I couldn’t separate the memories.

Hurt the more because he hadn’t even said goodbye.

“Leon!, You left something.”

Tears rolling down my cheeks, I quickly realized that I was crying and started laughing at my self.