Sebastian"Are you happy, Beth?" I ask aloud as I shower. "You should be; I'm going out tonight," I announce sourly. I'm not sure why I'm blaming her; it's not as if she asked...Heck, what am I saying?Of course, I know why I'm upset with her. It's because she left me again, and I'm going out to spite her.Getting ready for the evening seems somewhat surreal because it's been a good while since I've done anything for myself. But there's no point in moping around the house alone whilst Tina has Melody. I don't think my mind would like where it wanders.So I shower and trim my newfound beard, letting the dark hair stain my face as I run in some oil Beth had once gotten me for Christmas through it.I also gel my hair back for the first time in months. Yet the man staring back at me in the mirror isn't someone I recognise.His eyes are sunken and hold a pain like no other. A pain that once upon a time I had never dreamed of, but now I'm walking alongside as if we were the best of friends
SebastianWe crash through the door, our lips connected as I grab ahold of her waist, pulling her body back against mine as I lift her up, encouraging her legs around my waist in booze-filled excitement and trepidation.I push her against the wall, closing the door to ensure our privacy in this moment of... intimacy—my hand splays beside her pretty face, which I've studied many times.Her cute button nose, thick lips and pronounced chin are all characteristics I've seen for many years.Her tongue darts out, moistening her lips in her usual nervous trait, yet it encourages me to suck it into my mouth, tasting her saliva that still has the lingering taste of a Cosmo.I haven't kissed this way in a while, in fact..."Seb," she says, pulling at my hair as I drop my face in her breasts, kissing my way down between the valley of her mounds.They are far larger than..."Suck my nipples," she requests, waylaying my thoughts for a second time.I kiss the skin there, smelling the sweet scent of
BargainingSebastianBargaining commences after a fitful few hours of sleep; I beg the god I never believed in to give me back my wife, my life. Our life.I sit on my knees at the end of my bed, much as Beth would, praying, begging the man upstairs.How could he do this?What was the purpose in making her and I suffer so?Did my wavering faith cause my loss of Beth?Was this a proportionate punishment in an effort to highlight my lack of faith?My head is splintering in two, the paracetamol isn't working, and I'm more than still way past drunk. I feel as sick as a dog.And my knuckles are still bleeding, the red liquid staining the hand towel scarlet as it covers the gruesome-looking cuts that I can't stomach to look at.I'm starting to think I should take a trip to the hospital, thinking perhaps I did more damage than I initially thought, but I can't bring myself to leave the confines of my room.What was I thinking going out like that?Who am I now?Who am I becoming?No wonder my f
ResentmentSebastianResentment comes in the following hours as Josh sits beside me in the accident and emergency department as I await stitches to be placed in my knuckles.I created more damage than I thought, punching my way through some sort of vessel that hadn't stopped bleeding.They've numbed me up, and I'm waiting for that to take effect before being taken back again.I'm not too fond of it here, the sterility of the place; I've never liked hospitals and probably never will. But considering recent events, I hate them even more.That's why I internalise my hatred for myself, jumping on the bandwagon of self-loathing, as that might fix everything that's wrong in my life."You're an idiot. Why didn't you reach out? You must have known we'd be here for you," Josh admonishes me, bringing me out of my sour thoughts only to verbalise my self-loathing of my situation."What was I to say? 'Hey, Josh. I want to drink myself into oblivion because my wife's dead and buried?'"He gives me
SebastianI pick Melody up, holding her to me as I smell her hair. She's freshly washed, and it's smooth and silky, exactly how it would be if Beth had washed her on a Sunday.The reminder of such a task being thrust upon me just makes me feel goddang awful, but I make no mention that Tina took it upon herself to do such a task when that should have been left up to me.You've been next to useless!"Whatcha painting?" I ask, walking to the table to peek at her painting, which is in bright, eye-catching colours."Us," she tells me as I note two figures holding hands. They both have downturned mouths, a sigh of unhappiness, my thumb running over the paper, tracing her depiction of... depression."Are they sad?" I ask.She nods, not saying yes, but I see in her eyes that she's depicting how she feels.She's always been well ahead in her drawings; she's been making these weird little stickmen for a few months now. But the sad face was a new one; she hadn't been doing mouths in any other fo
Depression Sebastian We took Melody home that Sunday evening as Josh silently drove us home. She sat back in her car seat, quiet as could be, staring out the window as she held onto her favourite teddy. There was so much I wanted to say to Josh, so much I wanted to doubt myself over, but I didn't want to say it within her earshot, so I decided not to say anything at all. Yet dread sat at the base of my stomach as we neared my home. The most challenging part of this whole thing was the thought of laying my problems on Josh's shoulders. He was moving in with me, taking responsibility for my behaviour and, if he was telling the truth, my child, also. I pitied him and equally felt sorry for him that I, his best friend, had dragged his bachelorhood down, saddling him with the pair of us as I navigated this new life that had been thrust upon me. To my surprise, Charlotte had been at my home when we arrived, her Clio in the driveway next to my car, enlightening me to the fact that sh
"Daddy?" Melody calls from the back garden as I bake her cookies that she had helped me make this fine Saturday morning. "Yes, baby?" "Look," she says, bringing me a frog that looks worse for wear and frightened for its life. "Whatcha got there, a frog?" I ask her. "Mhm, it was in the flowers," she tells me. "That's pretty cool, but I think we should let him return to his little house now. We're nearly ready to go to grandma's." "Already?" She asks, looking up and onto the side for the cookies. "Three minutes. Can you go put your friend back?" I ask. She nods, leaving me in the kitchen to head out the back door again as Josh enters the kitchen with a grin. "What has you so happy?" I ask him with a smirk. "Charlotte got that promotion..." he grins, looking out the window to the garden where Melody is kissing the damn frog. Urg! I hope it doesn't have germs. "Have you been reading Princess and the Frog?" He asks me, chuckling at the sight before him. Melody finally lets the
THE WEIRD, WEIRD THING ABOUT DEVASTATING LOSS IS THAT LIFE ACTUALLY GOES ON. WHEN YOU'RE FACED WITH A TRAGEDY, A LOSS SO HUGE THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU CAN LIVE THROUGH IT, SOMEHOW, THE WORLD KEEPS TURNING, THE SECONDS KEEP TICKING. - JAMES PATTERSON———Sebastian "How are you today?" Laura asks me as I sit opposite her, draping my leather jacket over my knee much as I always do.I sigh, taking in a jagged breath, ready to relay my thoughts and feelings regarding this being our last penned appointment."I'm worried. I know you all say I'm doing better, that I'm ready to take control of my own life, but I'm scared. I don't want to return to being that version of myself.""That's understandable, but truly, Seb, you are doing so much better.""If I were, this stupid depression wouldn't still be around," I whine."Don't be silly. I think we have both worked through this before. You've lost your wife, someone you never dreamed of losing so early in your lif