HEART-RAGING WOLVES

Mondays and work. Tuesdays and work plus unfinished Monday’s work. Tomorrow would be much worse if I don’t finish these 3000 words today.

I tried writing in the room. I had set out my PC on the wooden modern desk, sneakers placed beside it to reward myself at each completion of 1000 words and curtains drawn to allow the daylight’s liveliness do its works of inspiration. After writing two paragraphs for five hours, I gave up.

I could not concentrate. My mind kept drifting to a certain striking man. Questions and scenarios of what could have been if I hadn’t deleted his number flooded me. Would I have called him? Was I right to have judged him as a playboy? If I’m to abandon this independent woman I had going on, would I be in his muscular arms now, relishing the season of love? The type of love that only appears in fiction.

Now, as I sat on a chair in the barbecue spot, I read the paragraphs all over.

‘He jumped on the bed at once, eyes glistening with lush desires. He holds Antonia’s legs and runs his right calloused hand from her ankle to her thigh. Antonia, though shaken, maintained eye contact. She wants this as bad as she dreads it. When he blows air on the inside of her thigh, she wanted to thread her arms between his black hair, but she didn’t. She is not ready to get spanked for disobedience. Instead, her hands stayed on her face, caressing and nibbing.

‘How did she get to this? She remembered insulting the man in white at the burial ceremony of her best friend. His beauty hypnotized her at first. His prominent cheekbones and chiseled jaw had trapped her eyes in them. His silver glistening eyes devoured her own eyes, making it hard to look away.’

That’s all. Two paragraphs since morning. Those two paragraphs are inspirations from the fantasies I had of Khal. I come to the backyard so the evergreen grass and shrubs, the blue sky and pool, will force Khal out of my head and get me something else to think about. I’ve always loved nature. But I was wrong.

“Hey.”

I turned around on the stool. David walks to me and pecked me. He sat on the stool next to me and rubbed his eyes.

“Hey. You’re back so early.” He has only been gone for thirty minutes.

“Yes. I’m not feeling well,” he said, rubbed his temples and brought out a bottled water out of his Nike cross bag.

I placed my hands on his neck to feel his temperature, but he shoved them away. “I just needed a little rest!”

“Okay. What are you doing here then?” I turned back to my screen and open a new sheet. If he is going to act like a dick, he shouldn’t stay here.

He sighs and touched my arm. “I’m sorry. It’s the stress.”

“Am I crowding your space?” I asked. I hate to be a burden on people, especially ones I care about. I never wanted to agree to stay in his house, but he was persuasive.

He jerked up and start pacing. “What is wrong with you and commitment? When things are good for a long time, you always sabotage it. I only said I’m stressed out. I never said you stressed me out.”

“Every day I wake up and remembers you are in the next room, my mind blooms with lightness. I don’t want you to leave. Ever. You’ve made it clear I’m not your type and I expect you to dismiss any of my types that come near you.”

I’ve never been confused. “I’m sorry,” I said. He does not deserve me. Soon, he will find a girl and forget he ever liked me.

“Of course.” He nodded and walks into the living room.

I’m reading ‘how to train your dragon’ but my mind is with David in the living room. I can see every one of his actions through the glass wall. He sat on the white three-seat sofa, his legs spread on it. He continues to type on his system, all his focus on it.

He placed the PC on the chair next to him and stands up. I pretended to be reading while still watching him from the corner of my eye. He walks into the lobby and heads straight to the main door.

What have I done? I feel like he thinks I’m only his friend because of the help he has rendered. That is why I don’t enjoy asking for helps and why I’m uncomfortable when I’m offered help.

He comes in again but holds the door for someone else. The someone else walks in and turns out to be Khal. Khal of BANC stadium. Khal of my fantasies. What the hell is he doing here? How is he here?

Should I hide myself now or stay? I can dash to the pool and tiptoed along the edge to the front yard. The waterfalls would drench me, but its damage is nothing compared to the damage Khal’s glare would cause. I know because, with his hands in pocket, he glared at me from across the lobby.

I looked away and focus on the laptop screen. ‘His glare is nothing. I don’t want to be his girlfriend, so I decided not to call him to avoid prolonged stories. I have a right to do that.’ Maybe if I keep chanting this, I’d find courage to walk into the dining room and greet him. Then I would walk out of there like everything is perfect.

I did. I shutdown my PC and take it with me to the dining room. That way, I’d be able to escape them by claiming I want to drop my PC up in the room.

“Khal.”

“Nike.”

I glanced at David, but he’s busy typing. I know he isn’t typing anything.

I continued on to the floating staircase at the lobby and released a breath when I got upstairs. Safe from two heart-ravaging wolves.

*

There’s nothing more rousing than a warm shower in the afternoon. It takes away unnecessary emotions and gets you ready for the rest of the day. It’s like a second chance to do what you’ve been postponing since morning. In my case, my book.

‘Ready for it’ continues to blare on from my phone. Taylor Swift takes my mind off things.

I wrap a towel around my body and come out of the toilet with a new beginning mindset.

“What the hell?” On the purple tub beside the wall art is Khal. He sat with his legs crossed and pat the tub next to him, motioning for me to come sit.

I’m in nothing but a towel in the presence of Khal!

“Get out.” I don’t know how I switched to this mode but I don’t care. “Get out now.”

“I’m not going anywhere, honey. Get dress and let’s re-introduce ourselves.”

“I want you out of this place now,” I tried again. Even I can see the tiny edge in my voice.

“The longer it took you to get dressed, the longer I stay glued to this seat. But I might turn to the bed if you take longer than two hours. You know, to stretch my long arms and legs.” He flexed his muscles.

There’s nothing attractive about him now. Suddenly, I remembered my big brother. One time he is an awesome fella and then the next he is the worst potential human. Sometimes, I’m glad he’s my brother and then soon after those times, I regretted being his sister.

I know there’s no way I could get him to leave. He has muscles and I have jellies instead. And David wants nothing to do with me now. Does he know Khal is here?

I went in to the walk-in-closet and lock its door. How did I ever fantasize about him? The fantasies I had of him replay in my mind. I shove them out quickly. If I don’t, I might puke.

“You take an awful lot of time dressing? Or did you just want to impress me?”

Rolling my eyes, I unlocked the closet and walk into the toilet. They are beside each other. I retrieved my phone and paused the music.

“Why did you stop the music? It’s about to reach my favorite part.”

I wanted to say, ‘you’re a psycho’ but I hold my tongue. Not talking is the plan.

I walk out of the toilet. With heightened steps, I dart to the door. If I’m out of here, he will have no choice than to leave. He grabbed me before I could even place my hands on the door handle. How is he so quick? Has he predicted my actions?

“Where are you going? I’m sure you don’t plan on leaving me here so I would get bored and leave.”

I listened to my pounding heartbeat. Gritting my teeth, I tried to hide calm myself. His arms across my chest rise with each exhalation, and low with each inhalation. His other hand hauled my phone from me and press play from the lock screen.

Taylor Swift’s Lover song continues playing.

“Listen, this is the best part,” he said. He rocks me with him, his arms now across my waist.

“Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover,” he sings along.

 “Please, leave me alone.”

He gripped me harder. “No. Not until we talk.”

“Then let’s talk,” I said. My jaw hurt from clenching my teeth too hard.

He paused the music and advances to the bed.

“Sit, please,” he said as he sat on the edge of the bed. He spread his legs wide and his arms are loose at the sides. Only a psycho would act so cruel one moment, then be packed with poise the next.

I sat on the tub and look directly into his eyes. “Are you doing this because you know you will get away with it?”

“Yes,” he smirks. I’m sure he gets girls with that smirk.

“If you want me to leave you alone and never come back, you’d grant me two things.”

When I said nothing, he continued. “First, erase these last episodes. Assume you just allowed me in to your room. Let’s start afresh. Second, I want you to say yes to go out with me tomorrow.”

“And after I go out with you tomorrow?” I asked.

“You will decide if you want to stay or not.”

Does he think he will be so charming then I’ll fall in love with him?

“I know you are having doubts as to—”

“Yes,” I said. “I agree. I would forgive you and go out with you tonight. Then that’s it. You will make sure we never meet again.”

He tilted his head, and a twinkle flashed in his eyes. He has a way of smiling with just his eyes. It is so eye-catching.

“I promise.”

*

Today is… weird. I don’t like this heavy tugging inside my chest. I don’t like how my heart hammers every time I think of tomorrow’s date. I don’t like the emptiness in my heart when I think of David. And I don’t like that I haven’t written over two paragraphs for a book I’ve planned to finish in a month.

The red journal under this bed is calling me, but I won’t take it out. I’ve depended on it too much that it has almost become an addiction. It has been two weeks since I’ve opened it. Well, I guess it won’t be an addiction if I open it now. I’ve only missed it, right?

I stepped down from the bed. Should I take it out? I guess I could. It’s past eleven, so I shouldn’t worry David would barge in. I lifted one end of the bed and slide out the red journal.

I switched off the lights, draw the curtains and laid on the bed. I opened the book’s middle and start reading. The yellow lamps on each table shelf being my light source.

‘”Please, I don’t want to do this. My mom has warned me against guys like you.” She pants as she wriggles her hands, trying to loosen the rope.

“Really? What are the things she warned you against us about?” Jayden flips her folds with his right thumb, his other hand caressing her plum breast.

She whimpers, her back arcing upward. She’s so sensitive, Jayden realized.

“Did she tell you how stubborn we are?” he asked, applying pressure on her clit, teasing her with his calloused thumb. “Did she tell you that once we like someone, we never ever leave them alone?” he smacked her breast lightly.

Rita, helpless and sore, cries out. It’s hard to discern the cry. Is it from pleasure or helplessness? She—’

I shoved the book under the pillow when I heard clanking on the door.

I jumped out of bed, rubbed my sweaty hands on my pant and opens the door.

David, in orange pajamas, smiles brightly at me. “I couldn’t sleep. Will you watch a movie with me?”

My mouth becomes dry suddenly. I nodded, and with one last glance at the pillow, I shut the door.