Chapter Two

 After my episode at work I came to a conclusion.

I needed to change tonight. I could keep pretending everything was fine as much as I wanted, but the other part of me was fighting for control inside my body and mind. It was getting harder and harder to tell it no.

Today was a really close call. I didn't like feeling so out of control.

I would rather change of my own free will, in a safe environment that I pick on my own. Plus, I think I might be acting so extra spazzy lately because it's been so long since I last gave in. No shit.

I decided to drive out to one of the many state parks in my town on Friday after I got off work. I couldn't help moving somewhere surrounded by nature, so there were more than a few options for places to be alone in nature for a few hours. I may push down my instincts on a daily basis, but there are some things I just can't change about myself, and enjoying solitude surrounded by nature was one of those things.

The drive there all I could think about was the dread floating around in my head. I didn't want to change. It made me feel... anxious. Thinking about someone catching me in the middle, discovering what I was. Even though that had never happened to me, I just couldn't shake the fear.

But I just kept reminding myself of how miserable I had been lately. Because I knew that even though I was anxious at first about someone seeing me, whether it be another like me or human, I always ended up giving up control and having a good time.

I felt free, if even only for a moment.

By the time I pulled up to the gravel parking lot of the closest state park to my apartment, I was giddy with excitement.

I climbed out of my car, taking a deep breath of fresh air into my lungs. They were tired of filtered office air.

I locked my doors, squatting down and tucking my keys under my tire. I knew it was risky, but I also couldn't risk losing them in the woods. The chances of someone finding my keys under my tire were lower than the chances of me dropping them in the foliage somewhere, or a small animal snatching them once I inevitably had to stash the things. This was the lesser of the two evils. I stood up, checking to make sure no one had been around to see me, but most people didn't consider hiking to be a fun Friday night activity. 

I took off after I was sure it was safe, pine needles stabbing at me as I submerge myself into the thick forest. I kind of liked the way their bites felt on my skin.

I jogged for about fifteen minutes before deciding I was far enough away from any trails. Still, I stretched my ears out and my nose, making sure I couldn't hear or smell anything but squirrels around me.

I lifted my thick hoodie off over my head, tucking it into the base of the biggest tree around me. The cold air kissed my bare skin, making goose bumps grow.

I could feel myself grinning like a fool as I yanked my shoes off, then my leggings, throwing them where my hoodie lay.

I shut my eyes, and I reached down inside me. I tickled the dust off the part of my brain I had been ignoring for way too long.

My bones began to crack, and I heard a strangled noise escape from my mouth. It hurt, but I knew it would be worth it.

My blood felt like it was on a low simmer, my skin felt like it was being scrubbed with sandpaper. My bones

But then it was over, and I was laying on the ground, my chest heaving as I attempted to satisfy my lungs craving for air.

I felt my heart racing from excitement. It's about time you let me out. I roll my eyes at my other halves snarky attitude. It hasn't been that long since I've changed,

I retorted back. I hadn't actually spoken back to her in a while, not since the last time I'd changed. She made me feel guilty, always talking about how antsy and miserable she was, so I tried to pretend she wasn't there.

She rises, shaking loose pine needles off her fur. You know it wouldn't hurt so damn bad to change if you did it even just once a month! My eyes wander down to the forest floor, my vision settling on the giant, black, clawed paws that were substituting my normal pink painted toenails.

When I was six, I changed into a panther for the first time.

I didn't know I was even doing it. One second, I was playing in the backyard as a normal, innocent kid. The next, my body felt like it was being turned inside out. Not to mention there was suddenly a new voice in my head, separate from my own inner monologue. When I was a panther, she was in charge. She did the running, the hunting, the whatever. When I was a human, I was in charge but with her nagging me the entire time.

But my change wasn't celebrated, not like they usually are in the community I was a part of.

You see, my parents, werewolves. My pack? Werewolves. My brother? Yup, werewolf.

The fact that I was a fucking panther made everyone around me spiral. It began the practice of not shifting. Where other kids my age were learning to control their shifts so that they could change faster and spend less time in such a vulnerable state, I was stuck not knowing anything about the other half of myself.

While other kids were running with the rest of the pack every night, hunting rabbits and playing hide and seek in the moonlight, I was stuck inside with my parents. Probably playing a board game or watching some movie they let me pick out to distract me from the fact that I was a total freak.

The rest of the pack knew what I was, but for some reason as long as they didn't have to see me in my panther form, they were "alright" with me.

That is, until I ruined everything.

My panther growls at my thoughts, the dark subject ruining her light spirit. Enough. I'm trying to hunt, and your depressing monologue is ruining my fun.

I roll my eyes mentally, but quiet down. I really don't let her out very often. She should enjoy this time while it lasts.

I watch as she sticks her wide black nose to the ground and begins sniffing. What she's sniffing for, I guess we'll see when she finds it. I know she can hear rabbits and mice squirming around the forest floor, but I also know that's not what she's after. My panther is a big girl. She always has been. With wolves, their wolf ages with them. However, for me, the first time I shifted, a full grown, hundred-pound panther came tearing through my skin. It was part of the reason a lot of people were freaked out. They were worried my panther would keep growing with me, but she's pretty much the same. More muscular, but that's just from all the exercise we do.

Finally, I know she's coming in on what she's been hunting. She crouches low, ducking behind a cluster of thick bushes. I can smell the air now, it smells like pee and mud to me, but she seems interested in whatever poor animal she was about to sink her claws into.

Through the bushes we peer, moving as slow as possible to prevent making any noise. I don't think my panther is even breathing at this point.

I can see the prey now, it's a deer. It's leaned over, pulling grass roughly out of the earth, ears flickering around, eyes wide and wild looking. I don't think it can hear us, but the way it was looking around you'd think we were already sinking our teeth into it.

You better act fast, it's getting nervous,

I say as I watch its fluffy white tail begin to twitch about.

Just when I'm about to explode with anticipation, my panther lets out a horribly loud screeching roar, throwing her full body weight at the deer.

We collide, and I hear her teeth ripping through the deer's thick skin and piercing its soft flesh underneath.

I lay back and watch in sick fascination; I know she could kill this thing with her eyes closed.

And then its dead, blood leaking out of its neck and belly. Its eyes are still wide open, permanently frozen in that horrified look.

Just as she's sitting back of her hunches to begin her well-earned meal, a noise sounds to the left. Sounds like a twig snapping.

My panther sniffs the air. It smells... different. But like, a good different.

It smells like pears, green apples, and cucumbers. It smells fresh and clean and cool and like I want to wrap myself in that smell and never leave its aroma. My panther shuts her eyes, inhaling deeply.

But then she snaps to attention as the source of the noise breaks through the thick forest.

Wolves.