Chapter 9

#OnePromiseWp

Chapter 9

"Naomi . . ." Hinimas ng club adviser ang gitna ng ilong niya. She heaved a heavy sigh first, and it made my heart beat a little faster than normal. For a moment, I was worried.

What's wrong now? Sa pagkakaalam ko, I might have a shitty attitude, but I never made enemies or start up fights, most especially here in this new club. Maybe it's because of that story of mine that has been circulating the whole damn school since this morning!

"Bakit po?" I fidget my fingers to ease my rising tension.

"You might have heard the rumors, but I want to personally tell you this." Inalis niya ang kanyang eyeglasses at hinimas ang gitna ng kanyang ilong. Nang matapos, malaki ang ngiting iginawad niya sa akin at masiglang ibinalita. "I was astound with what you've written in your writing class entry. I presumed, that's your mom's story? I can feel the overflowing emotions within those words and I would love it to be the main storyline of the school's play for the upcoming school festival, Miss Angeles! It encompasses the school's main goal: To be one of the best Christian living example."

"I-I don't know what to say," I stammered.

"You have talent, Naomi. I think this piece you wrote deserves this. That's why we won't take no for an answer," encouraged by our club adviser.

Umaayos ako ng upo. "But, ma'am, I don't think I can do this. I'm not someone who attracts crowds. I'm lame and a complete nobody."

"Uh-uh!" sagot naman ng club adviser namin. "We're not looking for the outward appearance, Naomi. Just because you're lame or someone who doesn't attract crowds, it will prevent you to achieve something great. That's not how it works. In your case, you've earned it with the grace of your words, Naomi. That's why we think it would fit to be part of the anniversary play."

Ngumuso ako. "Wait, miss, you don't understand, I'm an Angeles. Angeles are known for sports and not for some writing competition." I explained to her. "My father wouldn't agree to this! We should really not consider the piece . . . I really don't think it's worth the shot, miss."

Humugot ng malalim na hininga ang aming club adviser. Walang tao roon dahil nasa private office niya kami. "You have a gift, Naomi. In this club, you're required to use it, well . . . there's another option if you want. Fail and graduate next year perhaps?" Umangat ang kilay niya at nanghahamon niya akong tiningnan.

"But, ma'am, my arms are cast. I can't even write straight. All the more produce a complete shot of the story." I tried to raise my covered arm and smiled charmingly.

"Oh? Then I'll cast your entry pass to graduation as well." she retorted back. "Besides, who told you that you'd be alone? I'll assign your clubmates to be you other hands. We'll guide each other because we should treat each other as families."

My smile faltered and I groaned. "You're kidding, right?"

Her lips curved into a mischievous smile. "Miss Angeles, do I look like someone who jokes around? Should I joke with your grades, too?"

"But, miss!" I groaned again.

Umiling ang aming club adviser. "No! The decision has been done. Besides, this decision wasn't only based on my opinion. Right after I've chosen your manuscript, I passed it on to the guidance counselor and our vice president for re-checking and approval. So . . . " She let out a tired sigh. "The decision wasn't mine alone."

"But . . . miss."

Pumungay ang kanyang mata. She confidently gazed at me as her eyes followed mine. She continued staring into my eyes na parang may hinahanap na kung ano sa aking mga mata. "In life struggles . . . it's okay to rest if you're tired, Naomi. Look for diversions to ease your mind and soul with all of these, but it's never okay . . . to give up. Because no one will fight for you, except yourself. If you want to achieve something, make sure to fight for it until the end."

Tumayo siya at tinapik niya yung balikat ko. "If you want changes to happen in your life . . . then change the way you think, and it will surely lead you to all the changes you want to happen, Naomi. If you were given the power to inspire more, do you think you should be selfish to keep that to yourself? Don't you want to show that someone your worth?"

Ibinaba ko ang aking tingin. My mind flashed a familiar built. His bony body turned against me.

Yumuko ang club adviser namin para magtama ang aming mata, at pumungay ang kanyang mata habang masuri ko siyang pinagmamasdan.

"Naomi, knowing you are becoming someone you can be proud of . . . isn't that the greatest motivation you can have?" Ngumiti siya. "Remember, you're the writer of your own life and the last chapter of your life has not been written yet. You, now, hold the pen. Shouldn't you write the story you want to read until the end?"

She's right. If I want changes, then it should start from me. I am the writer of my own life.

"Think about it, okay?"

Iniwan ako ng adviser namin dito sa office niya para makapag-isip-isip. Mamaya or bukas, kailangan ko nang sabihin ang magiging desisyon ko dahil ilang linggo na lang ang natitira at malapit na talaga anniversary ng school namin.

If I want to reach Daddy, am I confident enough about my capability? Are my words enough? If Mom wasn't able to lead Daddy . . . what will be the difference if it was me who'd do this?

God, is this the sign? Is this your calling for me?

Umiling na lang ako. Tama ang club adviser namin. I have to stay tough and dare to risk it all.

Iyan ang bumagabag sa isipan ko buong gabi. Nauna akong kumain kay Daddy dahil matatagalan pa raw siyang umuwi. Nang matapos akong kumain, nagtabi naman ako ng ulam para mamaya pagdating ni Daddy, puwede niya na lang initin ang mga iyon.

I kept thinking about the offer. Plano ko sanang panindigan yung una kong desisyon dahil wala naman talaga akong forte sa pagsusulat. Baka nagkataon lang naman na nagustuhan nila ang ginawa ko kaya ganoon.

Pero alam ko rin naman na iba-iba ang taste ng tao kaya hindi ko naman gaanong pinagtuunan ng pansin iyon. At saka, may plano nga akong umalis sa club na iyon! Kung tatanggapin ko ang role, para ko lang ding kinain ko mga salita ko!

"What should I do, Lord?" I softly whispered along the winds.

Mom always reminds me . . . that if I get lost and I don't know what to decide, I should always think of God and pray for His supervision. He will lead you to the path in accordance to His will.

Naglakad ako palapit sa aking study desk. Umupo ako roon. Pagod kong isinandal ang aking likod sa sandalan at tamad na iginala ang mata sa aking magulong lamesa. Huminto ito sa isang familiar na lumang diary katabi lang ng daily devotion book ko.

Kinuha ko yung lumang diary ko. Doon ko isinulat at isinuksok ang lahat ng sulat na naiwan sa akin ni Mommy. Itong diary ding ito, dito ko naisulat ang lahat ng aking pinagdaanan simula noong mawala si Mommy.

To survive, I made a diary, I wrote everything that had happened to me every day, and the lessons I had learned or applied.

Nagsihulugan ang mga sulat ni Mommy at napahinto ako nang matuksong buksan para mabasa ulit iyon.

Lumaki ang ngiti sa aking labi nang makita na ang sagot sa aking katanungan.

"Okay, I'll do it," confident kong ibinalita sa kanila kinabukasan.

Lumaki ang ngiti sa mukha ng aking clubmates and club adviser dahil sa ibinalita ko. They cheered and threw papers in the air. Mapupungay ang mga tinging iginawad sa akin ng club adviser namin. She walked near me, and tightly hugged me.

"I knew there's a warrior princess sleeping within you. The Naomi Angeles is a strong and tough princess. She just need to look inside herself to realized her own beauty."

Itinapat ng club adviser namin ang kanyang kanang kamay sa aking dibdib. "You are stronger than you know. You may be small . . . but you'd give your all, and you'll show them just how tough you are, Naomi."

Namumuo ang luha sa gilid ng aking mata. Malungkot akong ngumiti sa aking club adviser sabay tango sa kanya.

Pag-uwi ko, agad kong plinano ang mga sasabihin ko kay Daddy. Kaso agad akong kinain ng takot at kaba nang kumain kami sa hapagkainan. Parehas kaming tahimik, tila galaw ng mga plato, kutsara, at tinidor lang ang naririnig namin.

"Daddy . . ." mahina kong sinabi para mabasag ang nakaka-suffocate na atmosphere.

His annoyed eyes snapped into my direction. "What is it?"

I gulped, I felt uneasy and nervous. Surely, Daddy would get mad. But, at least, I got to tell it. I have to! I want him to come and listen to our performance because the script I wrote was dedicated for him.

"I-I got into writing club . . ." I started.

Huminto siya sa pagkain. I was startled, and my nervousness and uneasiness doubled.

"Ano pa nga ba in-e-expect ko sa isang walang kuwentang tulad mo?" He chuckled mockingly.

Nilunok ko ang nagbabadyang takot sa aking lalamunan. "M-my p-piece got chosen for the 50th anniversary play for the school," I gulped again. "A-and I-I was hoping, maybe you can try to come? I hope you can watch the piece I wrote and s-support me on this one, Dad." My voice croaked.

"Bigyan mo ako ng isang magandang dahilan kung bakit ko kailangang pumunta roon, Naomi," he icily asked.

"B-because I'm your daughter . . . Dad. At least, support me on this, that's what I'm asking, please . . . Dad?"

Hindi ako pinansin ni Daddy. Nang ibalik ko ang aking tingin sa aking pagkain, nawalan na rin ako ng ganang kainin pa ito. Ano pa nga ba'ng bago?

Nangingilid ang aking mga luha, na-fru-frustrate ako at gusto kong may mapagbuntunan. Bakit kayang-kaya ni Daddy na ibagsak ang mga masasakit na salita sa akin, pero hindi man lang niya ako subukang kilalanin? Pansinin? Araw-araw na lang akong nasasaktan pero wala akong magawa! Nakakainis!

"Please . . . Dad," huling pagmamakaawa ko bago niya ako iwan sa lamesa at padabog na lumabas ng bahay.

I heaved a frustrated sigh. Ang hirap talagang suyuin ni Daddy . . . pero hindi ko siya susukuan. Hangga't may oras pa!

Ilang linggo ang iginugol namin para sa buong production ng play. Kapag nagkaka-oras sina Shaien at Othniel, tumutulong rin sila sa pag-aayos ng lugar.

Araw-araw ko ring ipinararamdam kay Daddy yung kagustuhan kong pumunta siya sa play na iyon kahit araw-araw niya rin akong binabalewala. Pinagbutihan ko ring isulat ang buong script na iyon. Siyempre, tinulungan din ako ng clubmates ko, pero akin ang buong idea ng istoryang iyon.

At gusto ko . . . kahit nangangamba ako . . . na kahit papano, sana . . . umabot ito kay Daddy. Sana, makatulong ito para matauhan siya.

Nang dumating na ang araw ng production . . . mas naging busy na sila. Ako naman, paikot-ikot sa lugar. Paminsan-minsan, sumusulyap sa curtains para matanaw ang audiences, at lagi kong iginagala ang aking mata upang mahanap ang pinakainaantabayan kong bisita.

Nang malapit nang magsimula ang play, I cocked my head and took a sneak peek once again on the crowd. I almost lose hope . . . but when I saw a familiar built walking along the crowds, my smile grew wider. I spotted Daddy entering the venue with some of the audiences. He took a seat at the farthest back corner. My heart glee from too much happiness! This is it! Dad's here! He listened and tried to understand!

He showed his support on this.

"Please, let this story reach Papa's heart. Please, let this story reach Papa's heart. Please, let this story reach Papa's heart," I chanted repeatedly.

I'm hopeful. I even crossed out my point finger and middle finger while chanting.

"Alright! Places! Let's start the play!" Pumalakpak na ang aming club adviser.

I kept my eyes locked to my dad the whole play. I made sure the message of the play would reach him, and somehow inspired him to be someone better.

Nang matapos yung buong show, agad akong nag-pack up at nagmadaling hanapin si Daddy. He watched the whole show and I'm really glad he did! Though, nakakunot ang noo niya sa buong show . . . kahit papaano ay tinapos niya pa rin, and there was this small hope that maybe, he'd give me a chance to redeem a lost dream in a different way!

"Daddy!" sigaw ko sa kanyang pangalan nang makita ko ang likod niya palabas ng venue. Wala na masyadong tao at mukhang kakagaling niya lang sa comfort room bago umuwi.

Daddy stopped walking.

"Daddy! What do you think?" I panted. I crouch and touched my knees to fix my heavy breathing.

I was really hopeful it reached him. As I saw him among the audience a while ago. I know he went to give me a chance, and that's why pinag-igihan ko talaga itong storyline na ito. I know, using Mom's story might trigger some part of him. It was a desperate move alright, but to hell I care. As long as I reached Dad's heart and it triggered something in him. Then everything I did, I know . . . was worth it.

"How dare you," he warned. Marahas niyang tinampal palayo ang aking kamay nang mahawakan ko siya.

Nagulat ako sa inasal niya. "D-Daddy?" I croaked.

He turned to face me, he took large steps towards me. I flinched, and unconsciously stepped back but his huge steps were faster than mine. Nang makatayo na siya sa harap ko, nagulat ako nang bigla niya akong sampalin sa mukha nang malakas.

"Ang kapal talaga ng mukha mo! Ano ba'ng tumatak diyan sa isip mo? At sa tingin mo, sapat na iyon para mamangha ako?" He spat those words with precision and disgust. Umiling siya. "No. Kung tutuusin nga, ikinahiya kita, Naomi! Ginamit mo pa talaga ang istorya ng pamilya natin, nakakahiya!"

My shoulders dropped. My eyes started to tear up, my heart broke into half, and I'm lost. I couldn't think straight anymore. I didn't moved my face, I stiffened like a statue as my dad spats more disgusting words against me. My head just couldn't take this blow. He turned his back on me, and I saw how his shoulders shake and his fist folded with extreme control of anger.

"Ano'ng nakakahiya roon, Daddy? Shouldn't we be proud? Our past made us who we are now, we can't change it, and it hurts, I know. I felt that, too. But instead of running from the pain . . . we could've used it to learn something from it. That's why . . . ano'ng nakakahiya roon, Daddy? In fact, shouldn't we be at least . . . proud that we get to share Mommy to others?" My voice croaked. Nagbabara ang aking lalamunan at hindi ko alam kung paano pakalmahin ang sarili ko.

My heart sank and it felt heavier than ever. I felt scared for myself because of his wrath, those possible things he did to hurt me before could happen again twice more!

I'm no tough princess . . . I'm also a coward. I'm so tired. My heart hurt like hell. Para akong kinakapos ng hininga sa minu-minutong lumilipas.

Gusto kong magsisisigaw. Gusto kong ipamukha sa kanya . . . Bakit ganoon? Gusto ko lang namang iparamdam sa kanya na pagod na pagod na rin ako. Na kahit ganoon, hindi ko pa rin naman siya sinusukuan. Hindi ko na siya kayang buhatin. The way he reacted . . . my dad . . . is just hopeless.

Siguro nga, may mga taong ganoon. Kahit ano'ng effort mo para hatakin siya sa liwanag, kapag sarado ang isip at sakop ng demonyohan ang ugali, sa huli, mawawalan lang din iyon ng bisa.

"Bakit mo nagawa sa akin ito, Naomi? Paano mo nagawa sa akin ito?" His rough angry voice said with force.

"Dad, listen . . ." I tried to reach Dad's back. Agad niya akong hinarap at tinampal ulit palayo ang kamay ko.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat. Agad namuo ang mga luha sa gilid ng aking mata. "Dad!" I tried to let my voice reach to him. He may be near physically, but I felt like he was miles away from me.

"Huwag mo nga akong hawakan!" mariin niyang isinigaw sa akin.

I flinched with his wrath. Why does it feel like he's getting farther and farther away? Why didn't it change anything? Things turned even worst.

"Hindi mo kasi maintindihan kung gaano kabigat iyon sa akin, Naomi! Palibhasa, puro kasi sarili mo lang ang iniisip mo!" He spat with disgust. Sinubukan niyang duruin ang kanyang hintuturo sa aking ulo, ngunit naunahan ko siya, agad akong lumayo. "Iyang story mo, para mo na rin akong sinaktan sa ginawa mo! That story didn't even moved anything in me. Wala siyang silbi. Para na rin siyang naging sandata na ginamit mo laban sa akin, Naomi."

He turned his back against me again.

"I'm so disappointed in you," mariin ang pagkabigkas niya rito bago ako tuluyang iniwan sa likod ng stage.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat. Images of what we could've have been crashed like a fragile glass. My tears started streaming down my face with too much sadness. My heart couldn't bear this! It was too much!

God, wasn't it enough? Ilang taon na akong naghihirap. Bakit ang hirap-hirap makuha ng loob ni Daddy? I've been a good girl! I've done enough to please You, but why can't I stop this misery? Why can't I even touch dad's heart?

I fell on my knees as I hugged my aching chest. Tears kept falling in my face and my breathing starts becoming labored and limited. I wanted to scream out loud, shout and blame anyone.

My story didn't reached him. Mom wasn't enough anymore.

I didn't get to my dad.

Everything turned out to be a failure.