Chapter Seven: Amber

“Did you use the calming technique I taught you?”

I nod.

The keyboard clacks under her red nails. I watch her, remembering the first time I set foot in her office. Alpha Stephen had told me she could help me, but I hadn’t known he was setting me up with a therapist. I almost left once I realized her title, but something compelled me to stay and I’m glad I did. Dr. Laurel has helped me in so many ways. The keyboard falls silent, urging me to continue.

“At first, the pain was so intense, I went for a run. I didn’t stop running until the sun came up. That’s when I felt like I was drowning. I used your technique, and it calmed me enough to get home.”

“Why did you feel you were drowning? Was it because of the pain the dream brought or something more?” She asks.

“I was drowning in Alex. The memories of our short few days together. The look in his eyes when he rejected me. All of it. I was drowning in love for a man who has nothing but hate for me.”

“Amber, you will probably always love him. That’s just the fact of the situation. However, you need to stop blaming yourself. He made the choice to hurt you. That’s not your fault. Sure, you might have made some poor decisions, but who hasn’t? Your choices don’t render you unlovable. Let me ask you a question. What would happen if Alex wanted you? If he asked for forgiveness?”

“That would never happen. My cousin told me he has a girlfriend.”

“Okay, but what if it happened? What would you do?”

A shrilling alarm signals the end of our session before I can form an answer.

“Think about it and let me know next week.”

Her words weigh on my conscience as I walk home. I’m thankful that her office is near my house and not near the town. I don’t know how I would face the pack right now.

I have wondered what seeing Alex would be like. Before I found out about his girlfriend, I imagined running into his arms and him giving me all the love I’ve been wishing for. Now, I don’t know. I can only hope that I never have to find out what I would do in that situation. I’m not sure I can survive watching Alex love someone else. I sit on my porch swing, letting the silence hug me. The wooden swing groans as it moves back and forth. The exhaustion from the day catches up with me, each swing making my body feel heavier and heavier.

“Amber?” Jake’s muffled voice leaks into my ears.

I blink my eyes open to see him crouching next to me.

“Jake, what’s up?”

As I stretch, my white shirt lifts enough to show my stomach. The wind picks up, and the chilly air brings my nipples to a stiff point. Jake licks his lips, never looking at my face. My arms cross themselves over my chest, hiding my body’s reaction to the cold. The look in his eyes makes me feel dirty.

“Did you fall asleep out here?”

 “Yes, that would be why you found me sleeping out here.”

 “Right, sorry. I just got off patrol and wanted to check on you,” he replies.

“Oh, uh, okay. Let’s go inside.”

“How was patrol?” I pull my fuzzy green blanket over my body and follow him into the house.

“It was weird.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nah. Alpha instructed us to keep quiet for now.”

“That is weird. We are safe, though, right?”

“Yes, Amber. I won’t let anything happen to you.” Jake’s voice is fierce as he moves closer and strokes my cheek.

The sudden contact feels dull. There is no excitement bubbling on my skin. No sexual tension. I feel nothing. I pull away from his reach and ignore the pained smile he gives me.

“Amber, tell me about your mate.”

 “There’s not much to tell. We met, we had a nice time, he found out that I had a reputation and he rejected me. I accepted, and I moved here.”

“And by reputation, you mean what, exactly?”

I cringe, trying to come up with a vague but suitable answer. The last thing I need is for rumors to weave their way through this pack. “Let’s just say I wasn’t always the most innocent she-wolf.”

“Is that why you refuse to date or hang out with anyone?”

“Yes.”

“What is his name?”

“Alex. Alex Dunn.”

He grins. “Well, Alex Dunn is an idiot.”

I hate the way my blood boils at his words. I’m not sure my heart will ever stop needing to protect my almost mate. “No, he’s not. I’m grateful for the rejection. I’m a better woman because of it.”

“Do you like who you are now?”

“Yes,” I reply. “I’m happier now. I get lonely sometimes but I’m happier.”

“You don’t have to be lonely, you know. There are plenty of unmated wolves who would be lucky to have you for a mate. Myself included.”

“I honestly don’t think I’m capable of loving anyone else.”

Jake’s mouth forms an O shape. “You’ll never know if you don’t try. Just think about it.”

I nod at him, knowing that my mind won’t change. It’s impossible for anyone to make me feel the way Alex does, and I’d rather be alone than accept anything less. 

The couch creaks when Jake stands suddenly. His face looks worried.

“What is it, Jake?”

“Another missing she-wolf.”

“Which pack?”

“Ours.”