The Act Of Ignorance

Map Of The Soul

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Written by Authoress Kamara

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Chapter 4: An Act Of Ignorance

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As Finn shuffled a step away from Adonis.

It wasn’t that he hated human contact, he was okay with handshakes and things like that.

But he was on edge today, and he had only just met the boy five minutes ago.

He didn’t seem too keen on accepting physical contact from someone he just met.

Thankfully, Adonis seemed to have noticed that and withdrew his hand quickly, but the same ever bright smile remained on his face.

And, he supposed, he hadn’t really touched anybody apart from his mother since when he was ten.

“Sorry “. Finn muttered staring down at his shoes, his hair falling over his eyes. “I just .. “.

He just what ?

Even he didn’t know half of the time, why he was so withdrawn.

Contrary to earlier in the day, the venom, anger and frustration was completely gone, disappearing in his nervousness.

He regretted that, how he has acted earlier.

That other boy, Kai, hasn’t really meant any harm or offense but he had lashed out anyways.

That’s just how he was, he thought, that was his nature-he pushed people away.

Finn knew he had walls up, he knew they had been constructed the day that driver cut their car off and his father died, knew that the walls were built of huge, heavy stones, cemented tightly together with fear.

He couldn’t break them down even if he tried, he liked to pretend that he was.

But he wasn’t strong enough for that, he wasn’t strong at all.

He was weak.

Weak and stupid and miserable.

But just desperate enough to keep running away, just the right amount of fear driven strength to keep his defenses up.

“No. Don’t be sorry, I’m sorry, that was my mistake. I understand “. Adonis’s voice, sounding sincerely apologetic, pulled Finn’s gaze back upwards, and Adonis was smiling again but softer this time.

It made him feel at home.

You don’t have a home, he reminded himself.

Jax spoke up, deliberately steering the conversation in a different direction.

“Let’s all go sit down “. He offered as he set off for the couch in the corner of the room. “Just talk. Tell us about yourself, we’ll tell you about ourselves “.

The two others threw themselves down on the beanbags and Finn sat tentatively on the edge of the couch clasping his hands together awkwardly in his laps.

“I’ll start “. Jax offered. “So um, my name is Jax Monroe, I’m in my second year here and i’m from Leicester.

Finn nodded along looking up from where he had been staring at his hands.

Now that he listened, he could pick up a faint accent slipping through his practiced dialect.

“I’ve been into contemporary dance since I was around ten. But I also do hip pop and a couple other things”. Jax said as he finished his shirt introduction.

“And I’m Adonis Atlas, I’m in my third year. Well I was born in Essex but I moved here when I was 12”.

He was smiling again, Finn noticed.

Maybe it was as natural for him as it was for Finn to do the opposite.

“I’ve been dancing pretty much my whole life”.

Adonis concluded and it was his turn now, he took in a deep breath and brought his eyes upwards to meet the other two.

“I’m Finn Pattinson “. He started. “And actually, I’m from Leicester too “.

Jax’s face broke into a smile at this.

“Woah, that’s so cool. It’s such a small world, huh? “. He said thoughtfully smacking Adonis on the arm before he could start singing ‘it’s a small world’.

From the look on the older boy’s face, even Finn could tell it was coming.

A small smile almost managed to tug the corners of his lips upwards but for some reason, Finn forced it downwards.

Why should he let their smiles, their jokes and their cozy studio get to him like this ?

This isn’t his home and he didn’t need anything.

Finn was slightly taken aback by Adonis’s genuine friendliness and openness even after he had acted cold towards Adonis when he touched his shoulder.

It was enough to prompt him to continue, though, pushing through the bitter, cold barriers he had already start to reconstruct.

“I’ve been dancing since I was a little kid”. Finn said, thinking back on standing, awed, in the crowds around a talented street dancer, admiring how they commanded the entire audience’s attention with just the movement of their body.

He had practiced and practiced, only going off of the things he saw on the streets and sometimes the things he saw off the television.

When he finally got a job, he began to rent out studios to practice, sometimes getting instructions or critiques from the other people there.

“I sing, too “. He added, telling them as an afterthought.

He had taken a couple of lessons, back when he was fifteen, and had delusions of becoming an idol or something.

He had been told he was good, he had natural talent, but he didn’t stay with it, and the idol dream fizzled out relatively quickly.

He still practiced sometimes, in the shower or when nobody was home, just for the fun of it.

There was something satisfying to it, feeling his voice glide over the notes correctly making music all on his own.

He didn’t need an instructor or a studio, just himself and his voice, alone.

“Really?”. Adonis said, his eyes widening with something like admiration, a smile spreading across his features once more again. “That’s so cool “.

This time, Finn allowed his lips to quirk up, just a little bit.

He regretted it afterwards, though.

**

**

After that, the conversation began to flow easier, Finn beginning to loosen up almost involuntarily as they spoke.

Jax and Adonis were two of the most amiable people Finn had ever met, though perhaps that was because this was the first time in a long while that he had been truly forced to speak out with others.

Adonis made a joke and Finn laughed, a thing he hadn’t done in front of other people for far too long, probably.

It made him recoil, a little, actually, made him withdraw back into his shell, shrink back into the comfort of his oversized sweater.

They were making him open up so fast, and the speed and sheer ease of it was enough to make him step back for a moment.

The two seemed to notice his change in demeanor, his sudden shift in attitude.

“So it’s getting late”. Adonis started. “And we were wondering if you wanted to come to my place for dinner ? A few other people will be there, just my roommate and Jax’s roommates. And maybe we can get our older friend, Chase to bring us some food “.

“Sure “. Finn surprised both Adonis and himself when he cut off the boy’s rambling with the quiet response.

He didn’t know why but he felt oddly compelled to go with them.

Normally, he would want nothing more than to go home and sit in the dark loneliness of his dorm, but something sounded right about going over to Adonis’s place.

**

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Kai had just gotten out of the shower and changed into comfier clothes, sweatpants and a t-shirt that clung, albeit annoyingly, to his damp frame when his phone buzzed.

It was a text from Adonis.

~~On our way back, we have the new kid~~

Kai gulped nervously at that as he continued reading.

~~but don’t worry, he’s not as bad as you made him sound, you drama queen~~

He rolled his eyes, maybe he had overreacted, but the words for whatever reasons had still stung.

~~Also Chase and Fox are coming with food~~

That cheered Kai up, his friend, Chase Stewart, was literally a culinary genius in his eyes-his stuff was way better than any cup of noodles Kai could heat up in the microwave.

Walking out of the room, he stubbed his toe on the door frame hissing in pain—

—walking out of the dance studio, Finn stopped startled at the sudden pain in his foot causing Jax to side eye him sympathetically.

Kai hopped to the couch, throwing himself down with a groan. Honestly, stubbing his toe always hurt more than it should.

Just after he had recovered, the door opened followed by the minute of several voices, the collective chatter of shoes being taken off and thrown on the floor and the sound of footsteps.

Kai stood to meet them, trying and failing to unstick his shirt from his still damp self, and giving up as the small group walked through the door.

Fox was first, his face tired looking as he made a beeline toward the couch.

“I only came for food”. He muttered as he immediately settled into the soft cushions.

Kai knew for a fact that Fox had also come because Jax came. And where Jax went, as funny as it sounds, Fox always followed.

Next was Chase, who was carrying a large paper bag that smelled absolutely heavenly, and set it down on the counter, before feeding off Jax and Adonis, ranting angrily at them.

“You guys eat like pig, I swear, how are you still skinny ?”.

Lastly hovering in the doorway, a blank look on his face, eyebrows furrowed slightly, was Finn Pattison.

He was an entirely different person from the one who snarled at him this morning, seeming withdrawn, almost fearful, in a way.

His eyes were practically bulging out from his skull, wide with surprise.

It seemed that Adonis hadn’t told him that Kai was his roommate.

The overly large sweatshirt Finn was wearing seemed to nearly swallow him whole, and paired with the same dark hair sweeping across his face, and nearly covering one of his eyes, it almost seemed like he was trying to hide himself.

So small, So fragile.

No, fragile wasn’t the right word, this boy though, seemingly timid, had an airy of strength about him, like how he was hiding how dangerous he was beneath his baggy clothes.

“It seems like we got off on the wrong foot “. Kai said approaching him.

Finn nodded, his face staying nearly expressionless.

“Yeah “. The younger boy mumbled and then wordlessly slipped past Kai and into the room behind him.

As he moved to take a seat on the end of the couch, a good few inches away from anybody else.

He sat stiffly and on the edge of the cushion like he was ready to run away at any moment.

Taken aback, Kai stared at the boy, a few thoughts passing through his mind.

Maybe he really does dislike me.

He mused as he stared at the boy, watching his fine features curve downwards slightly as his lips took on the suggestion of a frown.

A frown of his own shape on Kai’s face, struggling to understand what he did to deserve the coldness from Finn.

Even as he walked by to take a seat next to Jax, the boy seemed to pointedly look away, instead turning to talk to Adonis.

Jax was pressed upon against Fox’s side, his arm around the other’s shoulders, fingers playing loosely with the hair at the nape of his neck, as they exchanged some kind of murmured conversation.

And Fox was smiling softly, something he only ever saw him do when Jax was around.

The sight send a sudden pang of frustration through Kai’s chest, as he was suddenly reminded of the fact that his own soulmate would barely acknowledge that he exists, let alone ever bother to figure out where he was or they could meet, let alone do things like that.

It was such a simple act of affection between his two friends and he was immensely happy for them that they had found each other, but he had been feeling so much more than usual lately.

Perhaps it was the interaction he had with his soulmate the night before, and event that seemed so far away now, and the fact he was almost entirely positive he was actively shutting him out.

So it pained him, actually pained him right now, to see a prime example of what he could have, if the idiot at the back of his mind would ever listen to him, to witness what could be.

Maybe, Kai thought bitterly, he was witnessing what would never be, because his soulmate obviously hated him so much he could barely stand to even feel his presence.

Maybe, if he hadn’t been so wrapped up in his internal monologue, he would have noticed that Finn nearly jumped from his seat around the same time that he has experienced that pang of frustration.

His anger, however was interrupted by Adonis standing up and announcing that he was too hungry to wait any longer, and promptly making a beeline for the bag of food on the counter.

Chase gave a defeated groan as Jax, Fox and Kai leapt up as well, muttering “you all are animals”.

Finn didn’t make a move to get up as first, staying frozen on the couch until Adonis went back and got him.

And Kai didn’t have it in him to feel sorry, not now.

**

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Finn saw it in Kai’s rigid posture when he met him in the doorway, in the forced way he had tried to smile at him when he greeted him.

He had done it again, pushed yet another person away, and when he realized that it hurt and he didn’t know why, he nearly slapped himself.

This, he thought, was the same thing that had broken his family apart in the first place.

His mother had become so dependent on his father’s affection, his companionship, and when she lost it, she also lost herself.

Because she gave herself to somebody else, she lost the ability to function without them.

If that was the basis of a relationship of any kind, platonic or romantic, then Finn didn’t want one.

He recalled Jax and Adonis’s easy, friendly smiles as they talked and talked in the dance studio, how they had made him feel good regardless of the fact he didn’t make an effort.

He had seen Jax and his apparent soulmate, Fox, sitting close on the corner of the couch and he imagined what it would do to Fox or Jax if the other suddenly disappeared.

They would be broken, unable to function, unable to live because they had become too dependent on the affections of other.

He didn’t wish what happened to his mother upon himself, and definitely didn’t wish it upon anybody else.

He reminded himself that he didn’t need any of that soulmate stuff to be happy.

He was perfectly fine on his own.

Even now, he realized he had let his guard down, and he could feel his soulmate at the back of his mind, he could feel anger, frustration and worry seeping through the walls he tried hard to maintain, and pushed away the foreign feelings with all of his might.

After the scare a few minutes earlier, he was even more determined to block out the connection, even though he knew he could never truly remove it, not now.

Ever since his stupid panic ridden self had contacted his soulmate on the bus, their connection had become stronger, he could feel the other’s presence more frequently now, and it took more of his concentration to block it out.

Diseases could be cured, ailments could be treated, tumors could be removed.

But the one thing Finn Pattinson desperately needed to be severed from his body forever would never leave.

No matter how hard he wished, no matter how much he hated it, no surgery could ever break the ties of fate.

But they could be ignored.

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TBC

Written by Authoress Kamara

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