His Fear

Map Of The Soul

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Written by Authoress Kamara

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Chapter 5: His Fear

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Kai’s head rested in his hand, propping it up by his chin as he struggled to stay attentive during the lecture.

The professor, a short, old man with a talent for sounding incredibly boring, was talking on about something-Kai barely took in a word of what he was saying.

His eyelids felt leaden, threatening to close and swallow him in a much needed sleep.

The issues with his soulmate has been plaguing him for weeks now and it was infuriating; he was kept awake at night thinking about it focusing on the now constant presence in the back of his mind.

It hovered there, wavering sometimes, some days, stronger and other days it was weaker.

It was strange, like there were two different beings living inside his head. If Kai was feeling awake and alert at eleven at night after chugging a large coffee so that he could work on an essay, chances were that the presence had a sleepy, tired buzz to it.

If Kai was hanging out with Adonis and Jax, and ended up rolling on the floor laughing from a joke one of them told, the presence might give off a melancholic sad feeling.

It seemed that after the incident a few weeks ago, when his soulmate had aggressively cut him off entirely, he had given up-at least, the connection flowed freely now, though it was never used voluntarily.

The duality it was bringing to his life was almost too much, was this how people with soulmates usually felt ?

The thing he still couldn’t understand though, was why ?

Why, after all this time was the connection strengthening to the point where it couldn’t be ignored anymore? Why now ?

His efforts to keep his attention on the lecture were entirely abandoned, his pen tapping absentmindedly on the edge of a nearly blank notebook page as he thought.

Even now, he could feel it, the presence, his soulmate just there.

He couldn’t feel his emotions but he could feel him, and even if he was opposed to it, Kai couldn’t help but get a small sense of comfort from it.

That’s what a soulmate was supposed to be, right?

Always with you.

But still, he had no clue who he was-besides based on his voice(and maybe it was different in his head ?), that he was a ‘he’.

Not that he would ever know, though, his soulmate obviously didn’t want to be found.

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Later, Kai Webster was sprawled out on his back, under a tree with his eyes closed.

Jax Monroe was sitting, cross legged on the ground, his light hair waving in the breeze.

He had told Kai that it was pink-whatever that color was.

“A lot of people call pink the color of love “. Jax has told him. “But I don’t think that’s true. Love’s whatever color you want it to be-personally, I think it’s all of them. Especially since we don’t see any colors unless we’ve found our soulmates”.

Kai watched as the sentence brought a smile to Jax’s face and he couldn’t help but smile too.

Even though he hasn’t found his other half yet, he was immensely happy that his best friend, Jax, did.

He looked forward to the day when the same happiness would overcome him, when the darkness would finally be gone from his vision but he could wait.

Seeing Jax like this made him happy too.

“You’ve been kind of ... off lately, Kai”.

Kai looked up at this and saw Jax staring down at him, his brows creased with worry.

“What’s wrong ?”.

They had knew each other since middle school and Jax knew him better than anybody-there was almost no point in hiding from him anymore.

Kai sighed loudly, biting his lip in frustration. He didn’t know where to start-Jax knew of his problems with his soulmate and how he constantly blocked Kai out but he hadn’t told Jax about the night of his soulmate’s panic attack or anything after that.

“Well ... “. He started uncertainly grasping for words, trying to pull apart the mess of jumbled anxious thoughts in his head. “I think around two weeks ago, my soulmate contacted me, he spoke to me “.

Jax’s eyes widened, his face breaking into a smile, and for a split second, Kai hated the pure joy in his eyes, the way he lit up, the way he was so wrong.

“Really? Kai, that’s amazing__”. The smile faded when he saw the pained look on his best friend’s face, it withheld bitterness.

“Or not ... What happened?“. He finished his statement.

And so Kai told him of the whole ordeal, from the very first night when he had first heard the cries for help, to the new strengthened connection, to his soulmate’s uncalled anger towards him.

Jax sat and listened through the whole thing, held Kai’s hand when his voice cracked halfway through the story because this was too much and why was this happening and what did he ever do to deserve this, and provided input when necessary in that soft comforting voice he used whenever his best friend got upset or overwhelmed.

When Kai finally finished and he found himself leaning heavily on Jax from the sheer effort of it all, Jax said something profound.

“You know, right before Fox and met each other in person, our connection grew stronger. I think it was because of how close we were. Like we met right here on the campus, and before that I was in Leicester City. So when we were much closer physically, our connection got stronger “.

Kai’s eyes widened at this, his mouth dropping open as the meaning of the statement washed over him. “So you are saying, he’s closer to me?”.

Jax nodded thoughtfully, a frown flickering across his features.

“But that was only for us. I mean, I haven’t talked to anybody else about it but right now, that’s the best explanation “. He looked at Kai sympathetically, worry showing through the faint lines on his forehead and around his eyes putting a hand on his shoulder squeezing it gently to reassure him. “But maybe, don’t get your hopes up ?”.

Kai nodded at this, understanding what Jax was saying, swallowing back his sour disappointment. “I know. But I-I just want ... “.

He gestured in the air with his hands. “I don’t know-what you have, I guess”.

He bit down on his bottom lip which was trembling.

That was always Kai’s problem, would always be his problem, no matter how hopeful he got, how foolish he was.

Kai thought of a nameless, faceless stranger, of a soul desperately clinging to his for once, instead of the other way round and he wanted.

Uselessly, hopelessly, impossibly reaching for something always just shy of his reach, though he would stay hungry all the time.

“I know but ... “. Jax trailed off, wrapping an arm around Kai’s shoulder instead in the silent sort of comfort. “But you can’t “.

Because his something deterred his soulmate from wanting him, something about Kai repelled him, repulsed him, and Kai had long since given up figuring out what it was.

Something had gone wrong with whatever goddamn divine force decided whose soul would be tied up with whose and made a match so absolutely impossible that it was barely a match at all.

They weren’t puzzle pieces, they weren’t a pair, they didn’t fit-no, they were defective, jagged, sharp, hateful and wrong.

What other reason was there for his soulmate hating him like he did? Why else would he so deftly and persistently avoid him ?

Kai thought he must be broken, an anomaly, a freak.

Contradicting the definition of the word ‘soulmate’, it seemed that whatever Kai had with his, it simply wasn’t meant to be.

**

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Finn Pattinson was left sweaty, sore and oddly content after his third practice with the full dance team.

The entire group of them, only seven including him, had welcomed him as openly as Adonis and Jax did, though none of them were as quite as friendly as the two boys.

Contrary to what he had initially thought, dancing in a group brought a certain thrill that dancing alone couldn’t satisfy, the unified feeling of all their bodies moving as one across the floor, hitting all of the beats perfectly, was like nothing Finn had ever felt before.

But even now, as he threw a towel over his shoulder and and took a long gulp of water as their practice wrapped up, he could feel him, always there, steadily waiting.

Waiting for him.

A pointless endeavor, really, because Finn was never going to return the sentiment, not if he could not help it.

Throwing a sweatshirt on over his damp t-shirt, he ran a hand through his messy hair in a feeble attempt to fix it, before following Adonis and Jax out the door.

The cool winter air hit him as he stepped outside, the chilled breeze a stark contrast to his still warm body and flushed cheeks.

Actually snow was falling now; Finn saw the flakes, bright white flecks against the darker gray of the sky, fitting gracefully downwards.

He shivered as he hugged his arms to his body, the cold quickly penetrating his thin clothing.

“We are going to head down to a cafe for some coffee, want to come, Finn ?”.

He nodded curtly which Jax seemed to take as a yes.

No matter how distant he acted, it seemed that the other boys won’t give up on him, and he kind of didn’t mind.

Most people had always been deterred after a talk with Finn, and he usually liked it that way—one less friendship, one less thing to worry about, right ?

He always pushed them away on purpose.

But even as they walked into the cafe, Jax and Adonis chatting a few steps ahead of him, he still couldn’t entirely isolate himself, no matter how hard he tried to shut himself off from them.

He couldn’t help but be intrigued, drawn in, comforted by the easy way that Jax laughed at each joke Adonis made, by the way they usually refused to look at him as anything other than an equal, than a teammate, than a friend.

It was more often that usual now that he reminded himself to draw back, to cut ties, to stay alone, and proud of it.

They slid into a booth, Adonis and Jax on one side, and Finn alone on the other, he preferred it that way, anyways.

Beside panic attacks whenever he set foot into an automobile, the accident had also left behind a small form of claustrophobia.

“How’s Fox? It’s been a while since I last saw him “. Adonis asked after they had ordered their drinks.

Finn almost flinched at the name.

If anything, Fox was his favorite out of the small group he had been pulled into, he was quiet and he minded his own damn business, thank god.

Everybody around here was so nosy.

But Fox was Jax’s soulmate and by default, that was a sensitive topic for Finn.

He cringed as Jax’s lips contorted into a wide smile at the mention of his boyfriend name.

If anything, Finn pitied him.

To be so dependent on a soulmate for happiness, was pathetic and Finn wouldn’t be caught making that mistake.

“I wish it were that easy for me “. Adonis said, his features turning into a frown. “I hate that my soulmate lives in another country, I’ve been trying to learn French so I can understand what they are saying”.

Finn looked up catching sight of Adonis’s face; he looked truly dejected that he hadn’t found his soulmate yet—Jax had an arm around his shoulder rubbing it gently trying to console his friend.

The whole thing was kind of really pathetic, but Finn couldn’t stop the twinge of pity forming in his chest so he looked up for a moment from where he had been boring holes into his mug and mumbled “sounds like it sucks”.

Both Jax and Adonis looked up at this, perhaps because it was the first time he had spoken in a while or perhaps the sentence had come out more bluntly than he had intended.

“Y-yeah, I guess so “. Adonis let out a weak laugh, before taking a sip from his can of sprite while his friend squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

It was a drastic difference from the usual, bright and bouncy Adonis he was used to.

This was what having a soulmate did to that bubbly and happy person, it crushed him.

Another point to add to Finn’s cause, another reason to not give in.

“What about you, Finn? You have a soulmate ?”. Jax asked.

It obviously wasn’t a serious question, just something to get off the topic of how miserable Adonis was, but it hit him all the same.

Smacked him in the face, slammed him with a brick wall, more like that, really.

The word coming out of Jax’s mouth, the word the one he hated, and the one he feared, and the one he despises with all of his being, directed at him, pulled some sort of trigger in Finn Pattison, making his breath catch in his throat.

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TBC

Written by Authoress Kamara