Chapter 5

Chapter 5 | Modern

"Huwag ka namang ganyan, Ian," may pagmamaka-awa sa boses ni Arist.

I scanned my ex boyfriend's face and tried looking for a reason why I even liked him in the first place.

His eyes were full of sincerity but those won't fool me anymore.

"Mag-usap tayo," paki-usap niya sa akin.

I didn't say anything for seconds. I noticed some of our neighbors, which were my relatives, looking at us.

"Sino 'yan, Ian?" one of my cousins asked.

"Si Arist lang, mag-uusap daw kami," I answered blankly.

"Huwag ka ng gumawa ng gulo, hoy, gabi na," sita naman ng isa kong pinsan kay Arist.

"Hindi ako makikigulo, kauusapin ko lang si Ian," Arist said back.

I sighed. I wanted to slap myself for even facing him again. I could've ignored him earlier and waited until he ran out of breath caused of yelling... but that would be an issue, right? Baka sa sobrang inis ng aking mga kamag-anak ay masapak nila si Arist sa ingay.

Arist deserved it but I didn't want to be the town's topic tomorrow morning.

"Kaya ko na 'to, huwag na kayong maki-chismis," mataray kong utos sa mga nakatingin sa amin.

They didn't want to go but they hesitantly walked away from us. Na sa loob pa rin ako ng aming gate at si Arist ay na sa loob. Tanging ang riles ng aming gate ang nagpahiwalay sa aming dalawa.

"Napag-usapan na natin ito noon, akala ko ba malinaw na?" I hissed at him.

"Susubukan ko muli, Ian," he answered.

"Susubukang ano?" natatawa kong tanong.

"Maging mabuti para sa 'yo... pangako... hindi ko kayang wala ka—"

I chuckled because of the sudden irritation building inside me.

"Oh please, don't be like April Boy on me. Puro ka subok, ayaw mong gawin. Puro ka sorry, uulitin mo naman din. Nakasasawa, Arist—"

"Nagsawa ka kaya ka nakipaghiwalay?" he cut in.

"Oo!" I answered honestly.

"Nakasasawa ang paulit-ulit nating problema. Kung hindi sa ibang babae, iyan namang depression issues mo kuno where in fact, self-proclaimed lang naman," I added.

"I don't want to be with you anymore, I had enough of it already. This is my choice and I don't need your approval," I pointed.

He was speechless and I was breathing heavily because of my anger. He tried looking away and there I saw tears started to form both sides of his eyes.

I chuckled as I watched him act. Iiyak-iyak lang 'yan ngayon pero bukas babaero muli.

Kung tanga pa rin ako ay paniguradong naniwala na naman ako sa drama niya at pangako.

"There's no point on pursuing me back, Arist. Ayaw ko na. Kung tutuusin, mas lamang ka pa nga sa akin dahil malaya ka ng lumandi sa ibang babae. Noon kasi, nahirapan ka pang magtago," I told him.

"Balikan mo na lang iyong grade ten mong kabit o hindi kaya 'yong taga-Quezon na bobong mag-English. I don't really mind," I suggested.

"Hindi naman sila ang mahal ko—"

"Hindi mo naman ako mahal, Arist... you only love how I loved you but not me," I cut in.

His tears were dripping yet I didn't even feel anything. Sobra na 'tong lalaking ito sa akin, sobra na akong nasaktan sa kanya.

Sa loob ng mga taon naming pagsasama, wala siyang dinulot kung hindi ang paiyakin at hayaan akong kuwestyunin ang aking sarili.

Sa mga panahon na iyon, inakala kong ako ang may mali at pagkukulang kung kaya't nagawa niya akong lokohin.

On those times, I blamed myself non-stop for being not enough. His girls were prettier and somehow more sociable, I got insecure like a trash and told myself to change for Arist.

Ang bobo ko talaga noon dahil pinilit kong magbago para sa lalaking gago. I almost ended up my friendship with Kurt because he was against on every decisions I made.

Before, I thought being in a relationship would be all fun, exciting and chill. I entered a relationship to experience these kind of feelings without knowing happiness had a prize... without knowing relationships had also dark sides.

I thought being in love would be like a dream that you wished to stay in forever. Teenagers around somehow urged me to try being in a relationship because they were all into it and curious.

I was young to even consider the possibilities... I was too ignorant to notice the consequences.

I got shocked because of Arist sudden hold on both of my arms. Nabuksan na niya pala ang gate! His grip was tight and I felt pain because of it.

"What are you doing?" I asked him, irritated.

"Let go!" I ordered him and tried getting out of his toxic hold.

"Give me another chance, Ian, I promise I will be better. I'm sorry," he told me but I didn't pay anymore attention.

I wanted to get away from him!

"Bitiwan mo sabi ako!" tinaasan ko ang aking tono upang ipaalam sa kanyang hindi na ako natutuwa.

"Please, Ian!" he ignored my order by shouting back at me.

"Ano 'yan?" my father's voice thundered over us.

I couldn't breathe properly because of what happened.

Arist immediately let me go when my father came. I silently thanked my father for barging in. I didn't know what to do anymore if he wasn't here.

"Bakit mo sinasaktan ang anak ko, ha?" sigang tanong ng aking ama.

I didn't put an effort to stop my father. He could punch and bury Arist alive if he wanted.

"H-Hindi po—"

"Tangina, anong hindi? Hawak mo siya nang mahigpit, tingin mo ba hindi siya masasaktan? Tangina mo, umalis ka na rito!" my father angrily ordered Arist.

"Nag-usap na kayo ni Ian noon at bilang tunay na lalaki dapat mong respetuhin ang desisyon ng babae. Tangina mong gago ka, nananakit ka pa!" my father hissed.

"Sa oras na bumalik o malaman kong nilapitan mo muli itong si Ian, hindi na ako magdadalawang isip, Arist," my father warned him.

My father gently pulled me to go inside. I obliged to it and walked, I ignored my cousins' stares because I had no energy to care.

Sinalubong ako ni mama nang naka-akyat. She pulled me closer for a hug and I lost it all... I began to let out my emotions through the form of tears.

My mother gently tapped my head to make me feel light. She didn't mind me crying like a kid and it was all I ever needed.

I used to keep the heaviness by myself. I never tried reaching out for anyone even when they were there for me. I cried alone on my bed to those nights, thinking why Arist won't treat me better.

Now, I realized that love wasn't like a dream... it was more like a free-fall, a free-fall that anyone would take because of excitement or curiosity.

A free-fall where no one was sure of what was underneath.

A free-fall where at first was all fun and happiness yet as you go deeper, things started to be darker and heavier... and you'd feel afraid because you didn't prepare for it. Little did you knew, nightmare awaited you below.

Those who only played could get back to top yet those who really loved might had a hard time climbing up.

Ang hirap.

Maybe that was the reason why I unconsciously considered Jacob. He was somehow on the top and I wanted to be out of the darkness. By reaching someone from above, I could be pulled out and saved from the ground.

Hindi rin naman naging maganda ang resulta, mas lalo pa nga yatang lumala.

"Ian, hindi ako nangingi-alam sa mga lalaki mo pero kung masasaktan ka rin naman ay huwag mo ng isiping ituloy," my father said as he came in.

"Iyong si Jacob, anong nangyari? Bakit ka umuwi ng maaga? Gago rin, malamang. Ang punto ko lang, Ian, ayusin mo muna ang sarili mo bago ka humanap ng iba," my father added.

"Ayaw kong nakikita kayo ni Aphro na nasasaktan kaya paki-usap, Ian, ingatan mo muna ang iyong sarili," father lastly said and went to bed.

Bihira lamang magsabi si papa ng ganito sa amin kung kaya't tumagos ang bawat salita sa akin. He was the only exception out of all foolish men. I silently thanked my father for being not like the rest.

Mercian, ayusin mo muna ang iyong sarili. Wala munang iba, ikaw muna.

***

"Nandiyan ka na, Kurt?" I asked Kurt over the phone.

Monday and I started early in the morning. I had many things to do for today like the usual Mondays I had.

"Oo, nag-aayos na ako ng mga upuan. Paalis ka na ba sa inyo?" he asked me back.

"Oo, sasabay ako sa biyahe ni papa kaya hindi ako mahihirapan," I answered Kurt.

"Nandiyan na ba si manang Feran?" I asked him.

Si manang Feran ang nag-iisang magaling na cook ng aming karindirya. My mother handled this small food business and often visit when necessary.

I volunteered to help around and Kurt applied to gain extra income.

"Papunta na," sagot niya.

"Sinong naiwan sa dorm?" I asked.

My dorm was a space from Kurt's house. Malaki kasi ang kanilang bahay at malapit sa pinapasukan kong unibersidad kaya ginawang dorm ang iilang kuwarto. It wasn't that big but comfortable enough.

Ang upahan ang isa sa mga pinagkakakitaan nila at halos ito lang ang may pinakamalaking kinikita. Kurt's mother was a janitress and his father was a jeepney driver. Kurt had many jobs at isa lamang ang pagiging waiter sa karindirya.

"Si mama, hindi pumasok ngayon. Siya nagbantay kay Nemo," sagot ni Kurt.

"Sige, aalis na kami," I informed him to end the call.

"Sige, kita tayo rito," he said and dropped the call.

"Mercian?" tawag sa akin ni papa mula sa labas.

"Okay na, pa! Mauna ka na bumaba," sagot ko agad.

"Sige, do'n ako sa harap nina tita mo Diana mag-aabang," father informed me.

I applied a light face powder and lip tint before finally going out of my room. Tulog pa si Aphro at hindi ko na inabala. I checked everything for the last time because I won't be going home for five days again.

When everything was fine, I went out. The sky was dark blue and the morning felt cold against my skin. Hindi pa halos gising ang mga tao kaya malaya akong nakapaglakad hanggang sa motor ng aking ama.

"Helmet," I said to my father.

He offered me my helmet and I wore it. Umangkas na ako at umandar ang motor nang ayos na ang lahat. My father's current job was a motorcycle driver, it was the new option of transportation nowadays.

The drive was silent yet normal or at least that was how I see it. Nakasabay pa namin ang malalaking bus at iilang public vehicles sa daan ganitong oras ng umaga.

I was used to everything though... Manila was the city that never slept. In the morning, the smokes from cars and factories could be seen as the sun rays burned our skins. At evening, different shades of fluorescent lights shined to guide every eyes to where they want to go.

The city was indeed restless and addicting.

"Kontakin mo lang kami, Ian, kung may nangyaring hindi maganda," paalala sa akin ni papa nang bumaba ako.

I tried searching for Kurt yet he wasn't outside the stall.

"Oo, pa, salamat," I said back.

I walked right away when my father decided to leave. I was about to call Kurt when I got near yet the scene I saw and hear shocked me.

"Wala pa nga si Mercian dito, bakit ba ang tigas ng betlog mo?" Kurt annoyingly shouted at Jacob.

"She isn't picking up my call or replying back to my messages. May problema ba?" Jacob, the motherfucker, asked.

Gusto ko na lamang magdasal at sabihin kay Lord lahat ng aking kasalanan sa nakita.

"Wala pa nga rito at kahit nandito na siya, hinding hindi ka na no'n kauusapin—"

"What? Why?" Jacob asked with an accent.

"Jusko, huwag mo akong gamitan ng mga English-English mo, hindi 'yan eepekto! Pa-inosente ka pa, manyak naman!" Kurt ranted.

Jacob stilled for a while and chuckled afterward.

"Iyon pala? Sabi ko na, napansin iyon ni Mercian noon," natatawang sabi ni Jacob na aking kinainis.

"Natuwa ka pa sa ginawa mo sa kaibigan? Gago kang animal ka—"

"What? She obviously wanted it too! The way she dressed was so revealing to the point it made me think she wanted to do more—"

"Tangina, hindi ako makapaniwalang nag-aaral ka sa isa sa mga mamahaling unibersidad ng Pilipinas sa ganyang kapasidad ng utak!" Kurt harshly cut in.

What I heard from Jacob pissed me off. Gano'n pala ang tingin niya, kasalanan ko pa pala.

I only wanted to look presentable and good in front of him, in front of the others. I didn't intend anything more.

"Your friend definitely liked it—"

"Kaya ka nga hindi kinausap, 'di ba? Alam mo, umalis ka na rito dahil hinding hindi papatol sa bobong manyak na tulad mo si Mercian—"

"I'm just being open minded about it! She wore clothes that could turn anyone on tapos ako ang sisisihin mo? We're now in the modern time—"

"Modern man o hindi, binastos mo ang kaibigan ko—"

"Binastos niya kanyang sarili sa pananamit ng—"

"Don't put the blame on the way she dressed! Umalis ka na rito at huwag mo na muling guluhin ang kaibigan ko—"

"Kurt..." tawag ko sa kaibigan.

Pareho silang napalingon sa akin, gulat na gulat pa si Jacob.

"Jacob, get out," I ordered right away.

"Mercian, I—"

"Manahimik ka na at umalis. I don't want to hear anything from you anymore. You really think of me like that? No wonder why your ex broke up with you," I said with a sharp tone.

"I expected much from you, I thought positive things even when negativity was in front of my face," I continued.

"Grabe ka namang humusga, ang babaw ng basehan. Ngayon, umalis ka na dahil hindi ko kailangan ng isa pang bobong kulang sa aruga sa buhay ko," I fiercely said and went to Kurt.

"Nice one, sis," he whispered to me.

"Galit ako, sis, palayasin mo na," I whispered back.

Kurt immediately went back to his fighting mode.

"Oh, ano? Bingi ka na rin ba?" Kurt shouted at Jacob.

I heard Jacob frustratingly groaned as he walked with heavy steps away from us.