SIMULA

When I was young, my nanny used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I always told her that I wanted to get married in a church in front of God to the man I loved.

As a kid, that might be the weirdest dream to hear instead of being a teacher, police officer, actor, or doctor. But not me. I had my sights set on the church’s aisle.

“Bata ka pa kaya dapat hindi mo pa iniisip ang ganiyang bagay, Ma’am Sloan. Ayaw mo bang maging doctor o kaya negosyante kagaya ng Daddy mo?” Nanny Basya asked again.

The seven-year-old me pouted. “No po. That’s really my dream, Yaya. I wanted to get married in the church because I wanted to promise Papa God that I could be a good wife to my future husband just like my mommy to my dad,” I said and smiled sweetly.

Yaya Basya massaged her temple because of what I said. “Diyos ko kang bata ka.” I just chuckled and continued playing.

I had a perfect and ideal family back then. Masaya at kumpleto. Masaya ako sa magulang ko kahit na wala akong kapatid. Not until my mom died…

Losing my mom was a devastating blow that rocked our family to its core. Her absence left an enormous void that we are still struggling to fill. The impact of her death cannot be overstated. It has changed our lives in ways we never could have imagined.

After my mother’s death, my father transformed completely into a different person. Lagi siyang umiinom at hindi niya na ako naalagaan. Hindi ko na siya maramdaman. Parang hindi ko na siya kilala. He’s not the carefree and loving father that I used to know.

He transformed into a power-hungry dictator, cunning and ruthless, unrecognizable from the man I once knew. It's like he became a stranger to me. He’s not my father anymore. But despite all that, I make an effort to understand him because I know he loves my mother deeply, nasasaktan lang siya.

It's a tough pill to swallow, sacrificing my own dreams—my dreams to marry the man that I love—for this understanding.

“I want you to marry Maximiliano Arellano, Sloan. He’s a good friend of mine, and he wants a wife before going back to Cuba for war,” my father casually mentioned while munching on his breakfast, as if marriage weren’t a big deal.

I met Maximiliano once. He is five years older than me, and, if my memory serves me right, he is a soldier who is deployed to other countries to participate in wars. Gentleman naman siya at gwapo. Mayaman din siya at mabait. I just noticed that he exudes an air of seriousness and coldness.

I wanted to protest. I wanted to tell my dad that I wanted to marry the man that I loved, but instead I said, “Yes, Dad.” I agreed.

Ever since my mother died, I have never said ‘no’ to my father. Si Daddy na ang nagde-desisyon ng lahat sa ‘kin. Tila tinanggalan ako nang karapatan para gawin ‘yon para sa sarili ko.

Daddy nodded and wiped his lips with the table napkin. “Good. The wedding will take place this week. Maximiliano has requested a private ceremony, so we will be having a civil wedding for the both of you,” he authoritatively said.

For the second time, I wanted to protest. I wanted to speak for myself, but then, again, I said, “Yes, Dad.”

Before my wedding, I cried hard. I cried for my freedom. Oo, pangarap kong maikasal. Pangarap ko iyon simula bata pa lang ako pero hindi porke’t pangarap ko ‘yon ay gugustuhin ko nang maikasal sa taong hindi ko naman mahal.

Para sa ‘kin kasi ang pagmamahal ay ang pinakamahalagang pundasyon sa isang kasal. Marriage is a sacred commitment, not a game. We are destined to spend our lives together, no matter what. It’s not something to take lightly or play around with.

I did indeed marry Maximiliano within that week. My father didn’t say anything to me. He didn’t even greet me or hug me. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng kasal ay sa bahay na ako ni Maximiliano tumira na ikinabigla ko.

Hindi ako makapaniwala na sa isang iglap lang ay gigising ako na nakatali na sa taong hindi ko mahal. Sa taong hindi ko naman talaga kilala sa simula’t sapul.

I may not have liked our marriage, but I stood by my commitment as Max’s spouse. I did the wife’s duties. Naglilinis ako, naluluto at naglalaba. I know how to do household chores because Yaya Basya taught me all of that back then.

I’m not mad at Daddy. Hinding-hindi ko magagawang magalit sa kaniya dahil umaasa pa rin ako na babalik siya sa dating siya.

“I’ll go back to Cuba tomorrow,” sabi ni Max habang magkatabi kaming nakahiga sa malaking kama. Nakatalikod ako sa kaniya at pinipilit ang sarili na makatulog.

Nahigit ko ang hininga ko nang maramdaman ko ang hininga niya sa batok ko. Mariin akong napapikit habang pinapaalala sa sarili ko na asawa ko siya at hindi ibang tao.

“You’re awake, right?” he asked.

“B-Bakit?” utal na tugon ko.

“We are in the honeymoon stage, Sloan, but ever since we got married, I can feel that you’re distancing yourself from me. You don’t even let me touch you,” turan na tila may sama ng loob.

Napalunok ako. What is he trying to say? Hindi ako gumalaw. Mahigpit lang ang kapit ko sa puting kumot. Mas lalo akong nanigas nang maramdam ko na pinalibot niya ang braso niya sa bewang ko.

“M-Max, please. Don’t… Hindi pa ‘ko handa…” I stopped him.

Tumigil naman siya at huminga ng malalim. Naramdaman ko na marahas siyang bumangon na tila napikon sa pagpigil ko sa kaniya. Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko dahil sa kaba. I know he’s mad. I can feel it.

“I can’t believe I married a woman like you. You’re my wife, but you can’t fulfill my needs as your husband! Fuck!” naramdaman ko na umalis siya sa kama at pumasok sa walk-in closet.

I sat on the bed. My whole body is shaking like a leaf because I genuinely believed he was going to hurt me earlier.

“W-Where are you going?” lakas loob na tanong ko nang lumabas siyang bihis na bihis.

He looked at me coldly. “If you can’t provide for my needs as a man, then I’ll look for someone else who can,” he said, leaving me dumbfounded.

Pagkatapos ng gabing iyon ay iniwan niya ako sa malaki niyang bahay nang mag-isa. Kinabukasan ay nagising na lang ako na naka-alis na siya papunta sa Cuba. Hindi man lang siya nagpaalam o kaya’y nag-iwan ng message sa akin. He’s really mad.

I thought my married life would be easy and happy, but I was wrong. I was alone. I was lonely. Mag-isa lang ako sa bahay at hindi man lang ako binibisita ni Daddy.

Sa ikatlong buwan ko bilang isang Mrs. Arellano ay may natanggap akong tawag galing sa isang hospital sa bansang Cuba kung saan binubuwis ni Maximiliano ang buhay niya.

“Hello? May I speak to Mrs. Sloan Arellano?” said from the other line.

“Sloan Arellano is speaking. Who’s this?” I responded. I just finished washing my clothes.

“I regret to inform you, Mrs. Arellano, that your husband, Maximiliano Arellano, has been confirmed as one of the soldiers who lost their lives due to the war in the Province of Oriente, Cuba.”

“What?!” I exclaimed.

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa narinig ko. Ilang minuto lang pagkatapos tumawag ng hospital sa akin ay tumawag naman ang kapatid ni Maximiliano para kumpirmahin ang pagkamatay ng asawa ko.

Even before I could mourn Max’s death, Daddy went to Maximiliano’s house to pick me up. I thought he would comfort me and tell me that everything would be alright. I thought he picked me up because he was worried about me, but to my disappointment, that’s not the case.

After two days, my dad introduced Frederick Golveo. He is four years older than me. Unlike Maximiliano, Frederick is carefree but a workaholic.

“So when is the wedding?” my dad asked with a wide smile on his face.

My eyes widen. “Wait, what wedding, Daddy?” naguguluhang tanong ko.

“She didn’t know, Silvino?” Mrs. Fina Golveo, Frederick’s mom, asked.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot to tell her,” Daddy apologized. “He is willing to marry your son here, though, right?”

“Y-Yes, Dad,” labas sa ilong na pagpayag ko.

Inakbayan ako ni Frederick dahilan upang manigas ako. “You’re my fiance now, Sloan. I want the wedding within next week. Is that okay?”

“Masyado ka namang nagmamadali, anak. Ayaw mo mang maikasal sa simbahan?” Mr. Oliver Golveo interrupted.

Bumilis naman ang tibok nang puso ko habang hinihintay ang isasagot ni Frederick. Gusto kong malaman kung gusto niya bang maikasal sa simbahan kagaya ng gusto ko.

Frederick strugged. “That’s traditional, Dad. I want a beach wedding.” My shoulder fell because of his answer. I thought he would agree to marry me in church. “What do you think, Sloan? I bet you like that, don’t you?”

Pilit na ngiti lang ang sinagot ko sa kaniya. It was agreed that the wedding would be next week at the best beach resort in Pampanga. Napadali ang preparation dahil mayaman ang mga Golveo.

“Sloan, hija. Bakit ka pumapayag sa pagdidikta ng daddy mo sa buhay mo? Pwede ka namang tumanggi. Hindi ba’t pangarap mo ang pagpapakasal? Hindi biro ang ginagawa ng daddy mo sa ‘yo, hija,” nag-aalalang sabi sa akin ni Yaya Basya.

I smiled bitterly, and tears started to flow down my cheeks. “I can’t protest, Yaya. I know Daddy. He might hurt me if I go against his will."

“Hindi gano’n ang daddy mo, anak. Hindi niya magagawa sa ‘yo iyon. Mahal na mahal ka niya,” she said, wiping the tears from my cheeks gently.

I shook my head. “I love him too, Yaya, but he changed. He’s not the father that I used to know.”

Yaya Basya’s eyes were full of pity and worry. She hugged me and gently brushed my hair with her hands.

“Sabihin mo lang kung hindi mo na kaya ha? Nandito lang lagi si Yaya kapag kailangan mo ng karamay. Hinding-hindi kita iiwan.”

I cried again the night before my wedding. Hindi ako pinabayaan ni Yaya Basya hanggang makatulog ako.

My wedding day was a total snoozefest. I didn’t even feel a hint of excitement as I strolled down the red carpet with those cliché white petals scattered all over the place. Frederick was grinning like a Cheshire cat at the end of the carpet, where the priest was standing next to him. His family, on the other hand, were bawling their eyes out like it was the end of the world.

“I, Frederick Golveo, take you, Sloan Beatrice De Falco, to be lawfully wedded my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

“I, Sloan Beatrice De Falco, take you, Frederick Golveo, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

After our wedding, just like my first wedding and reception, we went straight to Frederick’s house. He didn’t even talk to me and went to sleep right away. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung saan ako matutulog.

Naging maayos naman ang unang linggo namin bilang mag-asawa. He’s kind and carefree, but as the day passed, I noticed that he likes to drink alcohol too much. He is also tired from work and only goes home once a week.

One morning, nagtaka ako kung bakit nakahiga pa rin siya sa kama kahit alas dyes na ng umaga. Usually kasi ay alas syete pa lang ay wala na siya sa bahay. I was about to let him sleep when I noticed something weird.

I couldn’t feel him breathing…

My heart raced as I hurried toward him, desperately searching for his pulse. Unable to feel anything, panic set in, and I immediately called for an ambulance. Once that was done, I reached out to Frederick’s parents.

“I deeply regret to inform you that your son passed away due to a cardiac arrest while he was sleeping, Mrs. Golveo. He was unfortunately dead upon arrival. Condolence,” said the doctor.

Tita Fina shook her head. “Oh my God! No, no, no! This can’t be happening! My poor baby… No! How could this happen? He’s not gone! You’re lying!” she shouted.

Tahimik lang akong umiyak. Why is all of this happening?

Lumapit ako kay Tita para pakalmahin din siya kahit pinapakalma na siya ni Tito.

“T-Tita tama na po,” pagpapakalma ko sa kaniya.

Tumigil naman siya at humarap sa akin. Her eyes were filled with pain and hatred.

“You…” She pointed me. “Ano’ng klase asawa ka para pabayaan mo ang anak ko ha?!” she shouted and then forcefully slapped me, causing my eyes to widen in shock. “I entrust you with my son! Hindi kita mapapatawad sa pagiging pabaya mo! Umalis ka sa harapan ko ngayon din!”

I left the hospital broken. Pinalayas ako ng mismong magulang ni Frederick sa bahay nito kaya wala akong nagawa. Umuwi ako sa mansion namin. Sinalubong ako ni Yaya Basya kaya sa kaniya ako umiyak. Sa kaniya ko nilabas ang sakit nararamdaman ko.

Once again, my hopes for an end to my suffering were shattered as Daddy arranged for me to be married to a young politician for the third time.

He is Yosef Moreau, the youngest senator in the Philippines.

Just like in my last two marriages, I couldn’t even say no to Daddy. It’s like I’m programmed to always give in to him. It’s like he's got this superpower that makes it impossible for me to defend myself.

Yosef and I tied the knot in a civil wedding, keeping things private and low-key. Sa totoo lang, pakiramdam ko ay namamanhid na ako sa paulit-ulit na pagpapakasal.

Maybe for others, it’s ideal to get married over and over again, but for me, it’s become tiresome. Yes, it’s been my dream to get married since I was young, but not like this… This is too much.

Hindi pa man nagtatagal ang kasal naming dalawa ni Yosef ay lumabas na ang totoong ugali niya. He’s ruthless and an addict!

I caught him red-handed sniffing illegal drugs right in our room. When he saw me, he threatened to kill me if I reported him to the authorities.

Pagkatapos ng gabing iyon ay natakot na ako sa kaniya. Palagi niya akong sinasaktan lalo na kapag sabog siya. Minsan ay nagdadala pa siya ng ibang senador sa bahay para doon sila gumawa ng bawal.

I want to report them, but fear leads me there. I know how powerful they are, especially my husband.

Nagising ako isang gabi nang may maramdaman akong humahalik sa leeg ko. I woke up groggily and found Yosef right there, going crazy while kissing my neck.

“Y-Yosef… No!” Nagsimula na akong magpumiglas.

No! I don’t want him!

Sinampal niya ako dahilan upang saglit akong mamilipit sa sakit. “Huwag ka nang mag-inarte riyan! Magugustuhan mo naman ang gagawin ko sa ‘yo eh!” bulyaw niya.

Hindi ko na mapigilan na maiyak habang patuloy na nagpupumiglas. Pinunit niya ang damit ko dahilan upang lumabas ang kaluluwa ko. I tried to cover my body, but Yosef is heatless!

“N-No, please! Don’t do this to me!” pagmamakaawa ko, but Yosef didn’t listen.

He absolutely devoured my body, as if it were the most delicious dish he had ever tasted.

Akala ko ‘yon na ang katapusan ko but fortunately, sa kalagitnaan ng pambababoy niya sa akin ay tumunog ang cellphone niya. Paulit-ulit iyong tumutunog kaya sinagot niya ito ngunit galit siya.

“What?!” bungad niya sa kausap.

I covered my almost-naked body with a thick blanket. I silently cried and prayed.

I don’t get it. I really don’t. I know I’m not a bad person. I try to do the right thing, be kind, and all that jazz. But here I am, suffering like there’s no tomorrow. It's like the universe has a twisted sense of humor. Life keeps throwing curveballs at me, and it’s frustrating.

Dalawang taon na akong naghihirap. I just want to rest.

Nang binaba na ni Yosef ang hawak na phone ay tiningnan niya ako ng masama. “Hindi pa tayo tapos. Gusto ko pagbalik ko huwag ka nang maarte kung hindi tatamaan ka talaga sa ‘kin,” banta niya at lumabas na.

When I was by myself, I unleashed all my emotions. I let go of all the pain that was weighing me down. Tears flowed freely until my eyes were drained of moisture.

I almost got raped by my own husband!

Kinabukasan ay nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang makitang wala si Yosef sa bahay. There was no sign of him coming home last night. I was in the middle of watching television when an emergency flash report popped up on the screen.

“Sa ulo ng mga nagbabagang balita. Nakilala na ang pagkakakilanlan ng bangkay na kabilang sa nangyaring ambush kaninang alas tres ng madaling araw. Ito ay ang pinakabatang senador na si Senator Yosef Moreau. Napagalaman na ang motibo ng ambush ay ang pagkakabilang umano ng nabanggit na senador sa illegal na droga. Napadiklara itong dead on arrival…”

Hindi ko na nagawang matapos ang balita dahil nanghina na ang buong katawan ko. Nanginginig ako at hindi ko alam kung ano’ng sunod ko na gagawin.

Yes. Yosef may have been cruel to me, but I never wished for his death. That thought never crossed my mind, as I held onto hope that our marriage could be saved.

Sumpa ba ‘ko? Bakit lahat ng ikinakasal sa akin ay namamatay? I don’t understand!