Chapter Twenty: I don't want this to be the last time...

 

I watch her fade into the dark. I stop playing the game and follow her instead. At first, I had a brief feeling she was going to kiss me but I'm even more surprised to see the disgust on her face when her eyes found me.

 

 I felt embarrassed in front of her even if she has no way of remembering this because of her drunkness. It struck me thinking that she would rather kiss him than me, but when she walked away and went into the dark, it reminded me somehow of what happened earlier when we arrived. It reminded me of the words I cannot take back from that moment. It reminded me of her running away from shame.

 

I need to make it up to her. I just have to. If I won't do anything, she will never be able to know how much a part of me regrets saying those words.

 

When I reach between trees, I can see Naya using her phone as a flashlight. She groans as her legs keep on stumbling on the grass and catching up small peeking branches from the ground. 

 

I fasten my walk so when I finally reached her, I grab her by the waist. Her phone drops to the ground and everything becomes pitch black. I can't see her anymore, but I'm holding her still.

 

She's panting so hard like she's nervous or maybe she's running out of breath from walking her way here. I push her against a tree and cover her mouth with my hand to prevent her scream from being witnessed by everyone. Her phone is gone to the ground, so we can't see anything right now except the dark. I feel her strong hold onto my arms as if it just prevents her from falling. 

 

Oh, shoot! 

 

I forget she had beer. Four glasses of it as far as I can remember. I was checking on her earlier as the other boys gave her the shot glass. I was watching her closely if ever someone tries to insult her or flirt with her in a way she doesn't want to. Especially in a drunk state.

 

I can't still feel her nervous breaths on my palm. She must be shocked right now. What if she thinks I'm one of those boys. She tries to slide away from my hold. 

 

“It's okay. It's me.” I whisper. 

 

 

I hate that this is the way I can think of to get her attention. In fact, we need this. We can just lay on our backs and laugh at our jokes and be ourselves. But because of the odds of the world, here we are, facing each other in the dark because that is only where I can see her and feel her. 

 

She sucks her breath and I can picture out the shock in her eyes lingering right now. She screams again and tries to escape from me, but afterward, she relaxes under my touch. I don't know if it is because she feels secure or if it's knowing she has no other choice. From that, I feel the guilt whirling inside me. I finally remove my hand from her. There's no use. I rather hear her scream at me than do this to her. Knowing that she hates me now more than she already has, makes me want to go and hide until she forgives me.

 

 

I lean closer to her so she can hear me. “Naya, I don't want to do this but I can't control myself any longer. I need your touch. Every time I remember you kissing him, I hate myself for it.” I say in a more desperate voice. 

 

 

“You started it, Adam. How did you think I would feel? You...” She says, her throat sounds caught in a tight pain. “You betrayed me, Adam. I don't deserve to be humiliated in front of everyone.” Her voice shakes and I know her tears are starting to stream down on her face now. 

 

What should I say? I'm so dumb. I feel so stupid now in this darkness. 

 

“I know I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” I tell her. I know sorry is not enough but I can't find the other words. I feel so confronted by my weakness. She has become my weakness.

 

She's back to silence. From crying to silence. I can hear her breaths delicately stroking this moment to calm down that I don't deserve somehow. I can't think of the words either. I'm lost. Maybe I don't want to say anything insulting her again. To hurt her feelings is the last thing I would ever do. But it seems like I always fail to do that.

 

“Naya?” I whisper, my voice is hoarse and nervous. 

 

It takes her three seconds before I feel her move, “Sorry.” She utters. “I think I snoozed out. You know I'm still so so drunk right now, Just...” She catches herself before she can say Justin's name.“ I mean Adam.” She giggles. “Adam. Yes. It's you. Sorry.” She sounds like a child which makes it funny and relieves me from my nervousness. 

 

I laugh quietly not at her, but at her juvenile tone. “It's fine. I know Justin and you...”

 

“Yeaaaaah, it's me and Justin. He kissed so damn good and I feel dizzy right now.” She giggles again. 

 

I feel my heart aching as she describes her intimacy with him. She's really drunk. She doesn't even know how random her words are. So random that inches by inches it wounds my heart up. But I deserve this. I know I do.

 

 

“Are you... Do you like each other? Do you like him?” I ask, taking an unhurried step towards her. “Do you like Justin?” I repeat. “I just need to know.” I sound hurting and I wish she can hear. Not drunk. But to hear me sincerely asking her right here right now.

 

She's still quiet and I can't tell if she's sleeping or just taken back by my query. I want to know what she feels toward him even if her answer is going to sting me. 

 

“Naya?”

 

“Do you, Adam? Do you like, Chloe?” She asks ignoring my question. Her voice is not mad. It's soft and delicate that I can't hear a hint of her drunkenness at all. 

 

 

I shake my head, but then I realize she can't see me at this moment. “No.”

 

“Then kiss me, right now.” She demands in a firm voice. 

 

“Wait what?”

 

She doesn't answer, but I feel breathe getting quiet. 

 

“Why do you want me to kiss you? Whenever we kiss, something bad happens after.” I tell her. And it's true. And I can't believe she's asking me to kiss her. 

 

“I thought you like me.” I feel her move an arm off of me.

 

This time, I am the quiet one. 

 

“Does is it matter now?”

 

“Do you like me?”

 

“Does it matter if I do when you don't feel the same?”

 

This silences her. Maybe she's thinking of an answer to my question that cannot hurt me more than confirming it.

 

“Adam,” She starts. “I can't.” Her voice shakes again. I can't imagine how much pain I have caused her from the beginning we met.  “I can't trust you any longer.”

 

And I feel my heart, shattering. Trembling from the inside. Tearing apart. Burning in pain hearing her words. 

 

Why would I be hurt? It's not like I don't deserve this? I've hurt her from the very start. She has been discouraged to admire someone like me who plays with people's feelings including her best friend's. 

 

But for the last time before I let her go. I have to do this. I grab her shoulders in the dark. Then her face.

 

I kiss her. I kiss her, devouring every second before she starts pushing me away.

 

She doesn't resist. She doesn't push me away either.  I am happy. She stays calm. At first, she doesn't move along with me. But the second I tilt my head to the side to get a better angle, she puts her hand on my face and kisses me back passionately. 

 

This feels good. To know that we still have this strong sense of touch that even in the dark we know where exactly to touch each other. 

 

She puts her other palm on my neck and kisses me more. Intensely like it's the last time we will ever do this. And I don't know if I want this to be the last time.