Feeling Normal

                     

It is already 4 am but I haven't sleep yet. No single sign of being sleepy showed up and I had to accept the fact that I need to face this chapter of my life again.

My insomnia started few years ago. I thought that it will be only for a day until it seems to happen twice or thrice each week. Staying awake in darkness is really undeniably painful.

Silence is a great company but not all the time. Silence is when my thoughts scream. I often end up overthinking too much when insomnia hits me up. Until I would just think to cut my own wrist or to jump by the window.

And now, I am like a creep, sitting in my bed and my mind is starting to give me reasons to give up. Like "you are a burden", it's always like that. I feel like that because I always need help and rescue. I am drowning.

I took my sketchbook and started to draw meaningless things. I started to write unrhymed poems and stories that are no worth of time. I want to live and escape but I know, if I will, I will only last a day. I am really trying my best to just accept the fact that I am not normal and I will never be living a normal life like a teenager.

I was in the middle of sketching when a thought suddenly crossed my mind. I immediately took my sweater in my closet and a cap. I sneak out and did my best to not wake my parents up. As soon as  I arrived in the garage, I carefully took my bike out and pedal as fast as I could.

I felt my heart beating so fast and I know this is a new adventure. The wind touches my skin and I can feel its cold breeze and it is giving me happy chills. I am so stupid for not thinking this idea before. Because this idea is awesome even though it will be like a book cover of a horror story.

This is it. I am now standing near the gate for this subdivision. This is awesome. I tiptoed on my best to take a peak . This is beautifully crazy. There are like cars and there are also people who are walking. And there's a bakeshop down there!  There are more cars now and buses also. This is freaking amazing.

I slowly open the gate as I tried to go out. I know, I know. This is really dangerous but I want to feel normal even just for three or five seconds. The gates are now open and I am just a step away from being normal for only five seconds. 

5..

I stared at them whule they are walking, they smiled at me.

4..

I am breathing the air they are breathing.

3..

I am the happiest and I want to live in the world they are living.

2...

I don't want to go back inside the subdivision anymore but..

What about my parents?

I waited for my lungs to act the worst but why I am not gasping for air? 

I am now normal for than five seconds, right??

I sat down in the shed and watched how the sun rises. This is so pretty and it is more satisfying than how I saw it in movies. I can't wait to tell Mom and Dad about this. 

Mom is already standing in the doorway when I arrived home. Her arms are crossed and she's giving me that where-have-you-been face. I can't wait to tell her what just happened-but, what if she won't allow me to do it again? Or what if, after I'll tell her about what happen,she would give me her permission that I can go out and celebrate life?

“So, where have you been, darling?” She spoke with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. 

“I went to the park.” 

I lied.

Guess I'm not ready yet.

She didn't ask any questions already but she's observing my every action even after during breakfast time. It's awkward, you now. 

Today is Sunday and both of my parents are on their rest days. Mom is doing the laundry and Dad is washing the car. I stayed in my room after we ate breakfast. 

I excitedly jump in my bed after taking a shower. I took my notebook and started writing my bucket list.

Some of them are:

Visit the bakeshop.

Buy flowers.

Take pictures for the next visit.

Prepare for excuses.

Ask random strangers if they already watched the movie  My Neighbor Totoro.

I got to excited by the thought of it without thinking it would cause to much trouble if Mom and Dad knew about this. But, this is my life, right?

For the first time, insomnia gave me something good.

For dinner, Mom told me stuffs for tomorrow since both of them will be on their work. It was a normal dinner until Dad asked me.

“ Zoe, your Mom told me you sneaked out so early in the morning, where did you go? ”

Should I tell them?

“Uhm.”  

I stopped myself from cutting the pork and they are now staring at me waiting for my response.

“ I watched the sunrise with a guy.”

Crap. Zoe, what have you done?

God please, I hope this will work out.

And yes I know my excuse worked out when I saw Mom form a mischievous smile. She loves to tease me about crushes and guys. This is the only way I can help myself to live. To feel normal. 

“I hope we can meet him the soonest.” Dad uttered that almost made me spit the water from my mouth.

“Sorry, but he is allergic to other humans.”

The heck, I don't even know who is that guy I am talking about.

It's now 9 pm and I am very excited for the insomnia attack. I already prepared my sweater and my camera to take some pictures. I also took some cookies for the guard. He's name is Sir Keil. He's like in his 50's or something.

By ten pm, I suddenly feel sleepy. I tried to stay awake but I really feel sleepy. I set my alarm clock at 4 am so that I have enough time to feel normal. Tomorrow will be a sweet adventure.

I got awakened by the continuous loud knocks on my door. I suddenly remembered my sweet adventure. I rose up from my bed and glanced at the clock. It's already 8 in the morning. Not a good start for a day. But, what the hell is the reason why someone is knocking at my door at this time.

“What?!”  I screamed as I went back to lying in my bed. 

“Can't hear you!” I scream back as the only thing I could hear are mumbled words and I don't have the energy to open the door for them.

The knocking did not stop so I am left with no choice but to open the damn door. Mom is standing in front of the door and she looked stress and tired from knocking.

“Finally.” She raised her hand in the air to  motioned me to wait for her to speak for she is "stress".

She first flash a smile in her lovely face and speak. “The guy you watched the sunrise with is in the living room. And he is not allergic to other humans.”

What the hell?!

Who the freak?!

Crap. That idiot.

I calm down myself to stop me from screaming and throwing the baseball bat into that jerk's face. I washed my face while mumbling words and cursing him at the same time. After my morning routine, I went downstairs to give him what he deserves. 

As soon as are eyes met, I immediately gave him a warning look but he just gave me a smile. This man is really testing my patience. He looks decent with jeans on and a gray hoodie which is really the opposite of his personality. Because he is a jerk.

Dad is gone now to work and I am with Mom and this crazy bastard. Mom also seems to prepare for work because she is now in her business suit.

I sat down in the sofa but not close to him. I am trying to act calm but I am internally cursing him and punching him in my imagination.

“Darling, I need to go now.” Mom uttered and kissed me by the cheeks. She gave me a quick hug and faced this guy and give him a fist bomb.

The hell.

“And you, Tim. I love my daughter so much, take care of her.” 

This Tim just nod and give Mom a polite smile. After Mom disappeared in my vision, I faced Tim and he is feeling home.

“Why are you here? How did you know my house? Do you think I like you? Do you know personal space? Can you just leave me alone? I don't need any friends.” I continuously spoke and he was just looking at me and there is  no trace of confusion seen in his face. 

He sat down properly, crossing his arms and look at me in the eye. 

“Listen there Kathareen-”

I stood up as I heared the word I don't want to be called. “ Don't you ever call me by that freaking name or else I will punch you to death.” I give him a threatening look and showed him my strong fist.

“ I know you want to escape.”

My mood suddenly changed and I now feel my heart beating faster than normal. I just stared at him waiting for his next words.

He waited for my response as if he thinks I will faint because I am surprised.

“You are stalking me, right?”

He shake his head no. “ It just happened I was already on my way home from the flower shop when I saw you peeking in the front gate. It's like you never saw the real world.” He said emphasizing the last two words.

“Can you just please tell me directly what do you want?” I am loosing my patience but this conversation is going deep.

He stood up from sitting and wore his cap back.  I just followed where he is going and he's heading outside. He stopped when he almost reached the door and turned his head to my direction. 

“ I will be waiting for you at the gate tomorrow. Let's catch the sunrise together, Kathareen.”