Chapter 5

This sunset is what I love about my apartment. This evening's sunset is stunning; the reds, pinks and purples and the golden sunset on the ocean. Dax is lying comfortably on my lounge, watching some TV show on the Comedy Channel, completely missing the setting sun happening directly behind him. He’s in the perfect spot to watch it, but instead, his eyes are thoroughly glued to the TV screen. 

I would roll my eyes, but I can’t help but smile; even though I’ve been on my own for more than a year, I’m never truly alone, not with Benny and not with Dax always around.

When I first moved in, I was so scared. Thankfully I have Benny, my godsend, in more ways than one. No man would attack me in my apartment without Benny getting a bite in first. Benny trots happily towards me, his long tail doing a slow swish, swish behind him. He sits down and waits for my command to greet me. God, he’s a good boy. I give him a scratch around his ears.

Dax is still staring mindlessly at the TV, totally oblivious to the world around him. I wish I could get lost so easily like him; my mind never stays quiet for long, and even though I’ve come a long way, if someone walked through the door while I was on the lounge, you can be sure that I would notice the moment the key entered the lock.

After spending years being on high alert, I’m constantly aware of my surroundings. Nothing goes unnoticed when you have experienced trauma like that. 

I take a moment to look at Dax, he’s tall, well built, dark blue eyes, dark hair, cut exceptionally short so he doesn’t have to style it.

I believe his words were, “Who has the time to style hair? I can just jump in and out of the shower, dress and leave in 10mins tops, 5mins if it’s not a date.” I chuckle to myself.

He always dresses nicely, T-Shirts and jeans mostly, he may not be fashionable, but he’s always presentable. He has his quirky charm, incredibly intelligent and creative, generous, and carefree, but there’s no spark. His brother, on the other hand, well, that’s an entirely different story; alas, he doesn’t live in our state, so that’s a bust too, not that I want anything to happen with Ren.

“Hi, Dax!” I yell as I walk down the hall, making him jump. I giggle.

“Shit Lill, you scared the shit out of me!” he laughs sheepishly. “How was your last day?”

“It was good. The girls were comfortable enough to open up, which was the idea.” I grin, “Plus, I got cake.”

“Did you bring any home?” he looks around but see’s nothing in my hands or on the kitchen counter

“Sorry. We don’t need our resident rock star getting a little pudgy around the waist, now do we?”

As if! You could eat off of this guy’s washboard abs; he’s so cut.

He lifts his t-shirt, “I think it’s pretty safe for me to have cake, Lill”, slapping his stomach for emphasis.

I roll my eyes, “You know you could have been watching a lovely sunset.”

He glances over his shoulder, “Too late now; it’s dark.” Benny climbs onto the couch sitting in between us, “Did you get the songs down?”

I nod, “Yep, and I got the duets down and The Pretty Reckless. The lead singer has this whole Joan Jett thing going on, which you know I love.”

“You did listen to the rest of the playlist…. Didn’t you?” he asks wearily. He knows I only do a couple of tunes with them and go back to work, but sometimes I stay, which pisses him off when I haven’t gotten the songs down.

“Yes, don’t worry, I got it and thank you for adding Juliette and The Licks to the list” I wink at him so he’ll relax, “Aside from that, have you heard of Halestorm’s - white dress?”

“I’ll listen to it later.” He says, taping the name into his phone

“Good. Did you talk to Joe?”

“He’s good, said it’s lady’s choice”, he smirks, “But I told him I don’t know no ladies” I swat his arm

“Careful, Dax, remember I can take you down.”

“No need to Kung Fu fight me tonight”, I roll my eyes at his lame joke, “Is Sally coming?”

“I don’t know”, I keep my face straight, “I was thinking of maybe getting a new dog walker.”

“What?” he sits up, “Why?”

“Well, Sally made a terrible suggestion regarding Benny’s mealtimes and telling me what to do with his treatments and vet appointment. I don’t need a nosy dog walker. You know?” I shrug indifferently, hoping he won’t see through me.

“Fucking hell Lillian, you can’t fire the girl for giving you sound advice. She knows how much Benny means to you. It sounds like she was helpful.” he says like I’ve lost my mind.

I grin, “Of course I would never fire her. I was just fucking with you”, he visibly relaxes, “I knew you liked her”

He shrugs, sitting further back into the couch, trying and failing to keep his face blank, “That was cruel. You could have just asked me.”

“I could have, but it’s not nearly as much fun as teasing you” I shrug, “Pizza for dinner?”

“You buying?”

“I swear this is how you make your money, making everyone else pay for shit,” I grumble. Dax laughs and shrugs, not giving one fuck.

Dax is an App Developer and has made a small fortune doing it, and it’s how he lives in this building. He doesn’t particularly like his job. Dax does it so he can do what he loves, and that’s his band, Modus Grace. The entire crew are like that; all have high paying jobs and play a few nights a week.  

“You didn’t answer my question, by the way”, he yells out as I start to order the Pizza on my phone.

I grin, “I know.”

“Bitch”

“Arsehole”

“So?” he whines

I roll my eyes, “Yes she’s coming tonight. She’s going to take Benny for a walk shortly and then she’s going to change and meet us at the bar.”, I tell him. He breathes a sigh of relief, “Does this mean you are finally going to tell her?”

“Tell her what?”

“Geez, Dax, don’t be so obtuse. Are you going to tell her that you're into her?”

He laughs, “Obtuse, have you been reading the dictionary?”

“I’m going to throw you off my balcony someday Dax” I storm to my bedroom to change but decide to go to the bathroom and have a shower first.

“Pizza’s here”, Dax calls out.

I quickly put on my sweatpants and my favourite Jagger shirt and head into the lounge room. The pizza smells yummy.

“Is that what you’re wearing?” he says with an exaggerated sigh and shakes his head in faux horror, “This is not screaming rock star, now is it?” he says in a mock high pitched voice

I roll my eyes, “I don’t want to get my clothes dirty just in case I spill.” I point at Jagger, and no one spills on MJ

“How practical”, he laughs.

I shake my head exasperated, “It’s easy for you. You wear pretty much the same shit, black tee and jeans, and it doesn’t matter if you spill on your black t-shirt.”

“You could wear a black t-shirt and jeans if you wanted”

“Ah huh. Fine, I’ll wear what I like then.”

He pouts, “Now you’re just depriving us of your assets.”

I pick up a slice of pizza, ignoring his assets comment and ask as casually as possible, “Soooo…. Sally?”

He nearly chokes on his coke, “Not this again, just let it go.”

“I can’t. You fuck this up, and then it means I have to get a new dog walker, and you know that’ll just devastate Benny” at the sound of his name, Benny’s ears prick, he looks from me to Dax as if to say, ‘Don’t fuck this up, bro’.

“I don’t know. Sally’s not my usual type of girl.”

I laugh, “Dax, you barely have a type; as long as the girl has legs and big knockers, you are out for the kill”, he shrugs uncomfortably, “Oh wow!” I sputter, swallowing the bite of pizza. It can’t be true!

“What?” he asks, pointedly not looking at me.

“You…shit. I didn’t even notice until now. You haven’t bought a woman home in a couple of weeks. Does this mean Sally’s the one?” I waggle my eyebrows

He laughs, “No…. I don’t know”, he frowns, “I’m just tired of the same shit. You know?”

“No, I wouldn’t know. I’ve dated twice, one of those guys was you, and we didn’t even kiss, let alone have sex. I had a one night stand at your advice which ended horribly. He ended up being a stalker.”

He laughs, “Everyone has Stan’s these days.”

We both sit together quietly for a while, “Don’t you ever want more?” he asks. I narrow my eyes, “Not with me”, he laughs, “Don’t you want to come home to someone and just I don’t know…. Be?” He flops his arms in the air

“Maybe…. Right now, I’m content with just me and Benny.”

“You need to get yourself out there again, Lil.”

“I will when I’m ready. I just don’t want to end up in the same predicament.”

He laughs, “That asshat wasn’t a fucking predicament, Lilly, he was a coward arsehole abusing you. He’s lucky that he’s still fucking breathing.” He narrows his eyes, but then he smiles warmly, “Sometimes you got to risk it if you want to find love.”

“So Sally’s a risk?”

He shrugs, “Maybe, she’s a risk worth taking, but at the same time, I don’t want to ruin what we all have. What if I fuck it up?”

“Aw, Dax, if you go in thinking that, then you’re just setting yourself up to fail.” I sigh, “Would you cheat or do something unthinkable to Sally? She’s a good girl Dax.”

“I would never intentionally hurt Sally.”

I check my watch, “Seems you have a lot to think about, my friend” I kiss the top of his head, “I’m going to get dressed. See you in 15?” I ask

“Yeah”, he leaves to change in his apartment.

I sure hope he knows what he’s doing. Sally is a gorgeous girl, cheerful and wonderful to be around. Sometimes airy, but that doesn’t diminish her either; it draws you in more because she’s so damn optimistic. She has her moments, as we all do, but she’s all-around a lovely person. She’s never experienced childhood traumas, like some of us have, and I, for one, would love for her to keep that kind of innocence.

Maybe that’s what draws us all in, her carefree innocence, or perhaps I’m just envious. Hell, I wish I were still innocent. 

Entering my bedroom, I go into my closet and pick out a pair of black jeans, one of my many Modus Grace ladies tanks, but I’m going to make some minor modifications. Where the hell is my scissors? After a few snips, stretches, tears and tie-ups, my top is now perfect.

Lucky for me, my hair doesn’t need much styling, it’s naturally curly, and with the weight of my hair, the curls hang loosely down my back. Unfortunately, I have frizz, so unlike Mel, I have to put a product in it to get that nice curl without the flyway or frizz.

My makeup, on the other hand, is a bit of a challenge. I’ve gone with a smokey brown eyeshadow, fake lashes with the extra heavy-duty glue and a pink almost red lip.

Thankfully I’m naturally pale and don’t have to put too much foundation; just touch up some imperfections here and there. I add some jewellery, most of which is handmade leather and gold and silver bangles.

I pick my black boots and my overnight bag with extra clothes if Dax decides we need to wear beer and water again. He’s only done it once, but ever since, I take a bag with extra clothes. The last time I had to borrow Cami’s hot pink boob tube, it gave me the kind of attention I try to avoid.

Dax walks in just in time and whistles, “Looking hot Lill… wait is that my, fuck me Lil what the hell did you do to my merch!” he fingers one of the many holes

“I modified it. I think it looks so much better.”

His lips thin, “You massacred it.”

I shrug and pull my boots on and pick up my faux leather black jacket, “You say massacred; I say it’s an improvement.”

“I’ll get you a new one.”

“Don’t bother Dax. Jesus. Let’s go.”

“You know the guys are going to be all over you. Men love a good looking rock chick.”

I roll my eyes, “Doubtful. I’m at The Bar nearly every night; the only men that go there are sleazy singles who are easily distracted by boobs while the rest are gay or with a date.”

“Hey” 

“You know you're sleazy.”

He looks at me thoughtfully and shakes his head, “You should let loose a little tonight.”

I laugh, “I let loose all the time.”

“You are so wound tight that you keep an invisible barrier surrounding you at all times. It’s like you have a neon sign flashing above your head saying, ‘Warning: Approach with caution.”

“That’s an overstatement.”

He takes me by the shoulders and looks me in the eye, “How about a deal?”

“A wager?” I ask, his eyes take on a mischievous glint

“A wager. Yes.” He taps his chin, “You let loose tonight, and I will tell Sally how I feel.”

My eyebrows raise sceptically, “If I let the neon sign down, you will tell Sally?”

“Absolutely”, he grins mischievously. He doesn’t think I’ll take the bet.

“Deal”

He blinks at me, surprised, “What?”

“It’s a deal. Come on, let’s go; otherwise, we’ll be late” before I close the door, I give Benny a scratch, “Love you, Benny, be a good boy.”

Dax chuckles as he presses the button to call for the elevator. I shrug. Benny’s my baby, and I’ll talk to him any way I want.

We’re silent on our way to the bar, which is how Dax likes it before a show. Unfortunately, it gives me time to think over my day and talking about Dean in Group today was a bit more taxing than I would like to admit, even to myself. The only thing that I can contribute to this is the stupid nightmare I’ve had over the last couple of weeks. The frequency of these numbers and jumping at shadows is getting on my last nerve.  

Those bad days in the beginning after I left Dean were the worst. People think being in it is the worst but not when you are freshly out of a physically and mentally dominating relationship.

Dean is in prison for a crime he committed, a punishment that is fitting. But somehow, I ended up punishing myself, placing myself in a self-induced prison. Keeping myself holed up in my room for weeks, jumping at noises, shadows, hoping that he or his mates hadn’t found me.

True to his word, he found my family and me through his lawyer, sending us all letters, some threatening others begging for me to see him. I didn’t answer a single one.

Instead, I got a restraining order. Since then, we have moved. Dean’s lawyer was given a stern warning by the Judge, forbidden from giving Dean my address or contacting anyone else who is close to me. It seems to have worked; he hasn’t contacted me or anyone else I know.

Still, those first couple of months were the hardest. I would hate to think what I would have done if Dean weren’t in prison. Would I have gone back to him? I want to believe I wouldn’t have, but I’m not so sure and that in itself makes me feel sick.  

“What are you thinking about so hard?” Dax asks quietly

My eyes flick to the cab driver who isn’t paying us any attention, “Dean.”

My one-word answer has Dax seeing red; he takes my hand and squeezes, he leans his head against mine, so we’re eye to eye, “You know I would kill him if I could”, he whispers

I close my eyes holding back the threatening tears, “Thank you for always being here for me.”

The driver stops, and we look to see that we’re at the bar, “Let’s have some fun tonight. Let it all go and belt those songs out.”

I grin, “Yes, boss.”

We enter The Bar, “You smell that?” Dax takes in another deep breath and waits for me to follow; I play along.

“Alcohol and cleaning products?” I wince, so gross

“You got the first part right. Alcohol and sex.”

“Jesus, Dax, settle down.”

He laughs, “It’s a drug for front men and women” he nudges my shoulder, “Like us. This is ours”, he bellows the last part to everyone in the bar, then turns to me and winks, “See you on the stage in a few”.

He is crazy, and even though he can be an arse, I still love him.

I find Mel and Stace sitting in our reserved booth for the band and our friends. It’s the closest booth to the stage. But before I take a seat, I need to speak to the boss, who is currently serving drinks behind the bar.

“Hey, Joe!”

“Hey baby girl, how’s tricks?” he winks

I laugh. “Good, Good, and you?”

He grins wickedly, “Tricks are for kids, kid”.

Joe is about my mother’s age, maybe older. He’s fit for his age, super-fit ex-army with a thick head of salt and pepper hair and a long white beard. Joe’s in his everyday uniform, a white bond t-shirt and blue jeans with a black leather vest over the top. He’s likely wearing his black workmen boots as usual. I call it his uniform because I don’t think this man has anything else but bonds tees and blue jeans in his wardrobe.

Still, as simple as Joe is, he is the father I always wanted, and he treats me like his kid, and I love him for it. My birth father could take a few pointers from this man.

Joe also has PTSD, along with other medical issues. I’ve learned a lot from him on how to cope with trauma. He’s one of my favourite people.

“Are you sure you don’t need me behind the bar?” I ask

He winks again, “I prefer to hear your Angel voice, baby girl.”

“Alright, if you insist.” 

He laughs knowingly. He knows I’m not fond of attention, and sometimes singing brings me unwanted attention. I love to sing, and that’s why I will only sing here at The Bar with Dax.

Joe chose to serve someone else and nods at the new bartender to help me, giving me a cheeky wink, which means this guy doesn’t know that I am part owner of this fine establishment.

“What’ll it be, honey?” I refrain from rolling my eyes at him, so I order my drinks. Two Cosmos, three shots and two beers. He gives me a flirty smile and a wink. Oh boy.

Joe smiles mischievously. I give him a rude look, arsehole.

“You want anything else, honey?”

“Nope”

“You need me to take that tray for you? It looks a little heavy.”

“I’m sure I can manage, sweetheart” I hope he heard the sarcasm. I pick up my drinks and walk over to the booth. Stace is grinning like the Cheshire cat, “I saw what happened. Why didn’t you stay and talk to him?”

I look at her as if she’s lost her damn mind, “I don’t even know where to begin.” I say, sliding into the booth opposite her. Mel is in the corner, busy on her phone.

She laughs, “Come on. What’s the problem?”

“One, he is the new hire which makes me his boss. Two, he was terrible at flirting. It was very generic.”

“And three?”

I pick up my shot, “We don’t have time for number three.”

Not that Stace would need any reasons not to jump the guy's bones, she has the kind of confidence I wish I had.

Stace is a natural beauty; she has a light smattering of freckles across her face and beautiful thick straight red hair with a hint of brown. Her eyes are the purest green I’ve ever seen. We’re the same height, but she has a figure to die for with curves in all the right places.

Stace’s mother lovingly calls her a heartbreaker; society would call her a slut.  

“What’s the goss?” I ask, steering the conversation away from my new bartender

“Remind me, Dear Lillian, why did I decide to become a schoolteacher to fucking teenagers!”

“Rough day?”

She nods, “We were never so bold like these kids.” She snorts, “Do you remember any of our classmates asking the teacher out?”

I laugh, “There were a couple of hot teachers in our senior year, but I don’t think anyone had the guts to ask any of them out. How many numbers did you get?”

She pulls out several little slips of paper, “I keep finding them in the strangest of places, the little fuckers.”

I shrug, “Could be worse.”

“Right”, she nods. “Anyway, enough of school. What are we singing” she bounces up and down on the spot.

I give Mel a sideways glance and smirk and notice she’s frowning. “What’s up, Mel?”.

She startles and looks up at me, “Oh nothing, just thinking about what to start within Group tomorrow.” I narrow my eyes; I don’t believe her.

Stace pipes up, “A guy asked her out today!”

I stare at Mel. “Holy shit! Mel, that’s great. Who is it?” she shrugs coolly. “It’s Mark at the construction company. You know the company with the contract to build the new wing at the Women's Centre and the men’s shelter. I’m having second thoughts, but he’s pretty relentless.”

Ahh, okay, now I understand. Mark’s a huge guy, a little on the intimidating side, but he’s also lovely, so I don’t think she has anything to worry about with him.

“Look, Mel, he’s a nice guy, but if you aren’t ready to date, then don’t date.” I smile reassuringly, “Remember; it’s always your choice. Isn’t that what we preach?”

“Thanks, Lilly, Maybe I’ll just think about it a little more. Mark has always been kind to me.”

“That’s the spirit!” Stace cries. “Now, what the hell are we singing tonight?”

I point to myself, “I am singing some punk rock duets with Dax of this decade.” I laugh at her pinched up face; she’s an 80’s girl through and through. If there is a decade she should have grown up in, it’s that one. “We’re singing a little Halsey, Twenty-One Pilots, Thirty Seconds to Mars and my personal favourite Juliette and The Licks.” I grin as she pouts

“No, Samantha Fox?” God help us, she loves ‘Touch Me’… eighties was so cheesy about sex and love. Thank god we’re not doing a theme night tonight.

“Thankfully, God answered my prays, and there will be no ‘Touch Me.”

She pokes her tongue out, “One day, I’ll convince Dax, and he’ll make you sing it.” I roll my eyes, “Hey, not everyone has the same taste in music. I mean, there’s only so much rock music a girl can take.”

“Clearly.”

“Love what you did to Dax’s tank.” she winks

“It’s my tank, thank you very much.”

“What does Dax think?”

“He wasn’t impressed” I shrug.

“I’m sure he loves it,” Mel says, finally joining in.

“Thanks.” We all laugh knowingly.