Chapter 11

Terrence

I don't know why my life became messed up. Hell, I don't even know why I became the way I am today. At one point, I often asked myself, "why am I bothering with this shit?"

          The answer?

          All I could do was laugh like a moron, and get on with whatever I'm doing.

          Coming from an upstanding family, it was beyond appalling that the son of one of  the most influential lawyers of Lakeside, Colorado, is a gang-banger, who had so much promise that he threw away a bright future just because of a love that can never be.

          The hurt.

          The strings of bullshit.

          The pain.

          All that emotional roller coaster, you name it, my heart got it.

           It was all in the name of this sickening, sappy shit called love.

           I hated it.

          My mom and dad never understood why I act the way I am. They mistook my quiet personality, and the lack of friendliness towards others for being different... their subtle way for the word freak. They even went to extreme lengths in setting me up with an appointment with a freaking therapist. As they worded it out, they were only worried about me.

          Pfft! Worried? More like scared. I could see it in their eyes; they're not worried. They thought that there's something wrong with me.

             Meaning, why I'm not like my brother.

           I can't help it if I'm anti-social. I can't help it if I'm not like Dalton, who's Mr. Congeniality. I'm just being me, Terrence.

             And most of all, I can't help it when the love of my life can't love me back...

            'God, I'm turning into a sap,' I thought bitterly. What can you do? No matter how tough you are, when a heart gets broken like shattered glass, it can't be undone. You'd break down, forget who you are, or what you stand for, and end up like a pile of shit.

         After today's stunt, never again will I break down. I'm not going back that road never, ever again... for her.

         Yeah, I'm talking about Caroline Grace. That's why I left that damn house to be on my own. I couldn't stand seeing her with my idiotic brother, who gave up the fight when there was still hope to salvage everything. He was a moron to believe in Charlie. He could have fought, and damn it! He could have tried. There was still hope, but the doofus chose to give up, and hook up with Miss Perky.

         However, Caroline knew how I felt. On more than one occasion, I left sweet, yet intense stolen kisses for her when Dalton's not looking. I proved time and time again to her that I'm worth her love... yet, it was never enough for her.

            Just because I'm not like Dalton.

             Like my parents, she thought the same of me...

             And it hurts.

            With the shit I went through, I gave up, moved out, dropped out of college, and fell into the wrong crowd.

             Might as well play the part if they thought of me differently.

         For years I had made my family's life a living hell. Imagine their faces when I had my first overnight stay in a jail cell. All I did was smile cockily at them as they approached to get me out. The effect was unbelievable. My mother's tear-stained face, my father's look of disbelief, and most of all, Dalton's fury-filled face.

         Oh, well...

         Like I said, I might as well play the part.

         "I need to do something," I mumbled, lying on my bed with my hands clasped behind my head. The silence in my cramped apartment was deafening, starting to get to me. With my thoughts in turmoil added, I'd go bat crazy straight to the loony bin.

         Ah, hell. I need to get shit-faced, or yet hook up with some leggy chick. Yeah, that could work. Getting drunk and scoring some ass seemed like a good idea. I've had enough thinking. I've had enough dealing with my family, and with her. I'm done, all of it. With that, I got up from my bed, grabbed my leather jacket that was draped on the chair, and looked at the time on my nightstand. It was now 9:30 pm.

         I shrugged. The earlier, the more time to party hardy.

         Rejuvenated with the idea, I headed for the door with a swagger, and subconsciously stopped in front of my mirror, and stared at my reflection.

         One thing that did bother me was my eyes. It used to have that slight warmth in them, but now... it was just steely, and bone chilling.

         And it bothered me.

         "Yeah, you're really messed up," I said to myself.

          With a sigh, I looked away, and headed out of my crappy apartment, ready to waste my life away with booze and ass.

         After all, it's the best way to forget everything, even for just a little while.

* * *

The smell of cigarettes, alcohol, and provocation was dense as I entered the club. It was a scene I've grown accustomed to, an escape from something real, like reality. I welcomed it like a man embracing his lover tightly. Above all, I'd rather be here than being at home with my perfect family.

             My eyes wandered through the sea of dancing bodies, looking for that familiar face. When my eyes landed on a black mop of hair, with Asian features at the bar, I grinned with sheer amusement. I have to roll my eyes because he was busy groping some brunette's ass.

          That's Honjo Tanaka for you, my best buddy.

         I met Honjo a few years back, the time when I dropped out of college. I got into a fight in a bar, and was outnumbered. Honjo was at the corner drinking his beer, looking like the epitome of boredom. I guess he thought the fight was unfair, so the Japanese descent Yakuza stepped in the fight, and said, “Since the fight is pretty unfair, I might as well kill my boredom by joining in the fun. Now come pretty boys, show me what you got,” and then he winked at me.

          Though he was such a cornball, we became good friends after that fight. From there, I was introduced to the world of gangs and mafias, thanks to Honjo. After all, he's got connections from being the son of a Yakuza lord.

           "Yo, Honjo!" I yelled as loud as I could to get his attention.

     However, the man was too distracted. Really, really preoccupied as he whispered something in the girl's ear.

           "That bitch ass..." I mumbled under my breath.

           With a shrug, I weaved through the crowd, shoving people out of my way, growled some twerp for stepping on my foot (it hurt, okay?), and finally, I was at my destination.

          The dweeb didn't even notice my arrival. Rolling my eyes, I slapped his back really hard. He broke away from the chick like she was hot coal. Oopsies... I'm sorry. Not really.

           He let out strings of Japanese curses as he searched for the culprit, and when his eyes landed on me, he scowled.

           "Oh, it's you," he said dryly. "Do you have to slap my back, dude? Not nice."

           I laughed lightly. "I had to get your attention since..." I shifted my attention to the brunette to his side " ... you're distracted."

           Honjo's scowl turned into a grin. "You bet," he looked down at his conquest of the night. "Macy, meet my buddy Terry," then he looked at me with a wink, "Terry, Macy."

           Oh yeah, someone's getting some tonight.

          "Hey, Terry!" Macy chirped like a person high on Red Bull. Gah.

          I raked the girl's scanty ensemble; she probably left the rest of her clothes at home. I have to give her credit for being pretty, even though she was all overly done up.

          I gave her a curt nod. "Hey."

          Honjo frowned. "You okay, bro?"

          I shrugged. For some reason, I've been doing that a lot lately. "Nothing I can't handle."

          His frown deepened, forgetting the chick on his side. That's the thing about Honjo - he's very observant and cares about his friends more than himself. He would even take a bullet, or get stabbed. That's how loyal he is.

          "It's them again, huh?" he asked.

          I smiled, a bit forced if you ask me. "They got my ass out of jail, again. Got into a fight with my brother," I paused, and then heaved out a sigh. "The usual, nothing new.

          He gave me a small, sad smile. No pity, or sympathy, just that smile that it didn't seem that he felt sorry for how pathetic my life is. Honjo never gave me that look, and I'm grateful for it. He just understood, like a real friend should do. "Hey, it's going to be okay, bro," he assured.

          I nodded. "I guess."

          His somber expression became worse, as though he remembered something that he didn't want to think about. "Terry, my father's stepping down. He wants me to go back to Japan, and take over."

          I smiled, knowing what he meant. "That's great, Honj! Congratulations!"

          He sighed, his shoulders sagging. "You're not getting it."

        I frowned. What's with the long face? I thought he would be jumping for joy with the news! Honjo had waited for his father to step down, and have a chance to run the family business but now... why was he sad that he's taking over?

         "Huh?" I asked dumbly.

         He sighed. "If I go back, it means I'll be leaving you here, my wing man, alone..."

         The sap. He's being melodramatic!

          I slapped the back of his head. "You bonehead!" I told him off with a scowl. "Don't go soft on me. Go home, take over, and rock Japan. Honjo style!"

          "And you really have to hurt me, again?" he asked, rubbing the sore spot. I gave him a pointed look. "Okay, okay, geez... But dude, if things get crazy, come to Japan. I'll hook you up there."

          I chuckled, not really knowing what to say.

          "I mean it, Terry."

          I stared into my friend's pitch black eyes, and found out he was being serious. There was no humor in his eyes, just plain, I-take-no-bullshit kind of seriousness. He was the only one who really knew everything about my family and Caroline. Charlie knew half of what I went through, but the only person who knew every single thing was Honjo, and that worried him.

         Slowly, I nodded, just to appease my idiot friend. "Okay," I told him. "I'll keep that in mind."

     And just like that, he was back to his old, goofy self. The turd. "Awesome!" he cheered, happiness alighting his pitch black eyes. "Now let's party because I'm leaving in the next two days."

       I could only laugh at that. God, he could drive me up the wall sometimes like a hormonal teenager, but that's Honjo. He somehow remembered the brunette he was with, so with his patent seductive smirk, he turned back to her and said, "Now, where were we?"

          Why was I friends with him again?

* * *

A loud, successive banging brought me out of my slumber, the severe pounding in my head making me wince. 

         "Terry, open up!"

         I buried my head further into my pillows with a groan, ignoring who's calling me. They could suck my balls for all I care. Can't a hammered guy get some beauty sleep around here? Sheesh.

         "Terry!" A female voice, a familiar one, called out again, followed by a knock. "I know you're in there! Open the door!"

         Grudgingly, I opened my eyes, and red big numbers from my alarm clock greeted my line of vision.

         It's 7:10 o'clock in the morning.

        What the blazing hell?!

         "Open up!"

         What is she doing here at this early hour? To torture me with her love for my brother? She's done enough damage to me, to Charlie, what does she want now?!

         This better be good.

         "Terry!”

         I growled. "I'm coming! Keep your voice down, you're makin' my head hurt."

        Groaning, I got out of my bed, making my way to the door with a wobble on my step. 'How much did I drink anyway?' I thought while clutching my head. I was bare chested, only wearing my low slung jeans, not bothering to grab a shirt on the way. Oh, well. With a sigh, I swung the door open, and saw Caroline, her fist in mid-air, ready to bang the door once again.

        As much as possible, I tried to school my features as emotionless as possible every time I see her. No matter how many times she hurt me, she still took my breath away, and I hate it.

         "What are you doing here at this time of day?" I asked rather coldly.

         She rolled her eyes, and pushed past me to get inside.

          I snorted. "I would say come in, but you beat me to it," I said sarcastically.

          "Shut up, Terry," she growled.

          Now she's mad?

         As I closed the door, I turned around to see what's up with the attitude. She was standing there, looking at me with so much anger I didn't know why

         In a span of minutes, I got my answer.

         I didn't expect Caroline to do such a thing to me.

        She slapped me hard, in the face. The slap was so hard, my head whipped to the other  side from the impact. I was too stunned to say something, or hell! Even do something. That blow rendered me speechless.

        Caroline slapped me.

        And it shocked the heck out of me.

        "How could you do this to your family, to your brother, to me!" she screamed at me with all her might. "How can you say those awful words to your brother? Do you know how worried they are about you? And Dalton, he's this close," I slowly turned my head to look at her, and saw she was holding up her pointer finger and thumb to prove a point, "this close to giving up on you. Why can't you just apologize, and say sorry?"

        That brought me out of a stupefied haze. Apologize? She wants me to say sorry for the things that I have no regret saying?

        Boy was she asking for it.

        My breathing became ragged, the anger seeping into my very soul. I wanted to end this, this purging pain that's currently in my heart that I've grown sick of. I don't want to be hurt again. Not by her.

        Never.

        "I will never say sorry."

        She stuttered. "W-what?"

        I repeated my words with conviction. "I will never say sorry."

        Silence.

        I went on, "You don't get to have a fairytale ending, Caroline. You're asking the impossible from me. Do you expect me to see you, the love of my life, marry someone else, my brother of all people, and be all fucking happy like I'm having tea with the Queen of England on a fucking afternoon?"

        "But--" I intercepted her words, not giving her a chance to say anything.

        "And you want me to be happy for you?" I moved slowly towards her as I went on. "Have you wondered, or even considered how I feel? Time and time again I proved my worth to you that I could be the man that could love you, would do anything for you, and you sucker punch my gut and said it's not enough because I was no Dalton. That left a permanent scar on me, Caroline. A scar that will always be there.”

        At this time, I was a breath away from her, her beautiful blue eyes staring up to my cold green ones with apprehension. Slowly, and achingly, I moved closer to her face, a light brush with her lips sending unwanted stirrings in my heart. Damn it.

        "Yeah, I should have let it go, and moved on," I said to her so softly I barely recognized my voice. "But I can't. You want to know why?"

        Again, she couldn't respond.

        With a sad smile, I said, "Because I still love you, and letting you go was the hardest thing for me to do."

         And I did the stupidest thing.

         I kissed her.