Xander“I’ll go ahead and get started,” she said with a coy smile as she pulled her shirt from her pants, yanking it over her head.I looked down at my phone and saw a number I didn’t immediately recognize. Then it hit me. It was an Oregon number. “Hello?”My dad cleared his throat. “Xander.”I thought about hanging up immediately. If I didn’t answer, then he couldn’t tell me.“Dad,” I said. Everything fell into slow motion.Evie standing topless in front of me faded from my view. I saw nothing. I felt nothing. “Xander, it’s Kade.”I gulped down the lump in my throat and turned away from Evie. I continued my walk down the stairs and moved to the edge of the room, trying to put some distance between me and her. I needed space. I couldn’t breathe.“What?” I asked, my throat feeling raw.There was only one reason my father would call me. He knew it, and I knew it, but I wanted him to say the words. I needed to hear the words, or I wouldn’t believe it.“There was an accident,” he said, ad
EvieMy heart was shattering into a thousand pieces. The look on his face told me everything I needed to know. I had heard his side of the conversation. I had seen his shoulders slump before he threw them back. He was trying to pull himself together.“Xander,” I whispered.He had a blank stare on his face. “I, um, he—”I felt a tear stream down my face. “Kade?”He slowly nodded. “Yes.”I didn’t want to make the wrong assumption, but I was pretty sure I knew what had happened. I wanted to believe I was wrong. I could be wrong. Please, let me be wrong. “Is he, uh, is he—”“Yes.”I gasped. Hearing the confirmation made it all real. “I’m sorry,” I breathed before stepping closer.“It’s fine.”“Xander, it isn’t fine,” I told him. I put my hand on his arm. He flinched and pulled away. “What can I do?”“Nothing.”I could see him shutting down, pulling away. He was crawling into his corner to lick his wounds. “Can I get you a drink?” I offered.I had no idea how to help him. I was grasping at
Evie“Death is rarely fair,” she said. “How is Xander taking it? Did he call you?”“I was with him. I don’t know how he is taking it. I would say not well. He wanted to be alone. He just totally shut down. I don’t think he wanted to look at me, let alone talk to me. I didn’t want to go, but he made it pretty clear he didn’t want me there. I didn’t want to make it worse.”“I’m sorry,” she said and gave me a big hug. “I’m sure he wants you with him but he’s in for a bumpy ride. He’s probably just trying to figure out what to think and how to feel. That had to have been a huge blow.”“It was horrible. The look on his face. It was like he knew before his father even told him.”“Maybe he had one of those connections with his brother,” she suggested.I dabbed at my eyes. The worst of the sobbing was over. “I don’t know. I think it was probably hearing his dad’s voice. They don’t talk. When you get a call like that, I think part of you senses what is coming. I can’t say from experience, but
XanderI had yet to sleep. I was afraid to sleep. Every time I stopped moving, I thought about Kade. I had spent some time on the boat and came home sometime around two. Then it was on the treadmill and then for a swim. I didn’t want to stop. Stopping meant thinking. The rational side of me knew I had to think at some point.My legs felt heavy, a sign my adrenaline was wearing off. Any moment, the crash was going to hit. I had gone through something similar when I lost my mom. Her death was expected. I was prepared for it. It sucked and it hurt but it wasn’t nearly as bad as what I knew waited for me. Kade’s death was going to hit hard. It already did, but instead of letting myself feel that pain, I pushed it away.I could feel it creeping in now. I climbed the stairs, one heavy footstep at a time, as I made my way to the room he had used when he stayed with me. I walked to the dresser where the picture he had left me was still resting.I picked up the picture, staring at the image of
Xander“This isn’t a challenge you can win. It will only hurt you in the long run. Walk away. I don’t want this. We’ve had a good time, but it’s time to get back to reality. This thing between us is finished.”“No.”That was not what I expected. “Evie, this isn’t something you can reject.”“Yes, it is. You are in a lot of pain right now. You are a wounded animal lashing out. I won’t let you push me away when you need me the most.”“You are wrong!”“I’m not wrong.”“I want to be alone. I don’t want to be a dick, but I need you to leave.”I could see the emotions running through her. I was being harsh. It seemed to be the only thing that worked. She was too fucking stubborn. “I will give you some time today, but I’m not going to abandon you.”“I will never love you,” I told her and got to my feet. “I know that’s what you think this is, but it isn’t. I don’t love. I’m not wired like that. Your father warned you. He told you I was selfish and self-absorbed. As much as I hate to say your f
EvieI slowly dressed, reaching for the zipper that ran up the side of the blue gown I was wearing to my father’s award ceremony. My arms felt heavy and my fingers felt like they didn’t want to work. The very last thing I wanted to do was get dressed up. My heart was broken. It literally felt broken in my chest. I stepped in front of the mirror and grimaced when I saw my puffy eyes and pale complexion.Tonight was going to require extra makeup. I didn’t want my father to see my suffering. Tonight was his night. I would not ruin it for him. I would sit at his table, a place of honor, and smile. I would drink champagne and make small talk with the other people seated at our table. I would play the gracious daughter and make my father proud.I carefully put on my makeup, hiding the dark circles under my eyes and doing my best to make my complexion look bright and healthy. I left my hair down and put on some very simple jewelry. It took every ounce of energy I had to get ready. All I want
EvieThat was unexpected. “He doesn’t want me around. He made that very clear.”“Make him want you. He needs you. He doesn’t know it, but he does. He will push you away. I pushed everyone away. I didn’t want anyone to see me as weak. I refused to cry. I thought if I cried, it made me weak. It took me a very long time to come to terms with my grief. It was actually your mother who helped me to see it wasn’t my fault. Things happen. I had this idea in my head I was some kind of powerful creature capable of fighting fate. Your Xander is very much the same. He’s stubborn and bullheaded and he has the same mindset. He thinks he can do anything. This is going to be a blow.”My dad had never opened up to me. He had never been so honest with his feelings. I leaned forward and hugged him. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that.”“I’ve coped. Now, it’s time for you to help him cope.”“I don’t know how to do that.”“Go to him.”“Not right now,” I told him.He smiled. “No, right now, I’d
Xander I stared up at the ugly ceiling with the plain tiles. There was a hint of yellowing in one corner. It was to be expected in an environment like this, I supposed. I wasn’t going to panic and demand another hotel room. I didn’t care enough to move.I’d made it to Oregon the day before and had yet to leave the hotel. I wasn’t sure what I was doing there. My dad would not be pleased to see me. The moment of kindness, if it could be called that when he called to inform me of my brother’s death, would be fleeting. I knew that as much as I knew the wind would be blowing at the beach.The ringing of a phone disturbed the total quiet in the room. At first, I assumed it was coming from the room next to mine or above mine. Then I remembered it was my new phone with a ringtone I wasn’t quite used to. The damn thing had been ringing pretty steadily since this morning.I knew why. I’d fucked up. I’d blown off the meeting. It was an important meeting, but it wouldn’t have changed my life, ex