Chapter 1

"She is a soldier trapped inside a barbed-wire fence, but she is still at war and the battlefield is her own body, and perhaps, she has come to realize as a prisoner, that is where it has always been." - Maaza Mengiste, The Shadow King

Maybe there's a reason why there's night and day, so that those who are lonely won't feel all by their self. So they would find comfort in the dark skies, so they would find the darkness around them as companion, so they would look forward to the sun coming down.

As an illegitimate child, darkness became my mother, my sister and my friend. Darkness became all that I have, and nights became promises.

It's the only time of day that I can be myself, that I can show my weaknesses, that I can break down and cry. It's the only time of day that no one would hear me, that no one would judge me. I call it my time, late nights, are my time.

Because during the day, I am all fake, I am not me, I am someone else. I am the girl who acts so tough and unbending, I am the girl who does not depend on anyone else. I am the girl who breaks down at night and rebuilds myself at day.

"I don't want to be with her Papa! She's crazy! She even accused my cousin of rape! Who's on their right mind to do that? Hindi magagawa ng pinsan ko ang ibinibintang ng babaeng yan!" My half-sister looked at me with so much disgust.

"Hindi rin ako papayag na sa iisang university sila mag-aaral ni Alorica. Your daughter brought so much shame in my family Nigel!" Tita Trisha said.

I gripped the material of my dress, sinundan iyon ng tingin ng aking stepmom.

"Look at how she dresses, kabastos-bastos naman talaga 'yan kaya anong karapatan niyang pagbintangan ng rape ang pamangkin ko! At anong malay ko kung kani-kaninong lalaki ba lumalandi ang anak mong 'yan at mukhang hindi naman na talaga birhen 'yan!"

"Trisha she's still my daughter, don't disrespect her like that!"

I know from the very start that no one would believe me. Unang beses palang nang naabutan ko si Ryan sa kwarto ko isang gabi habang naliligo ako, alam ko na ang mga posibleng mangyari. Eversince my mother died and I stayed in this house, iba na ang pakiramdam ko sa paraan ng pagtingin ng mga pinsan ng step sister ko.

Pinalagpas ko ang pagpasok ni Ryan ng walang paalam sa kwarto ko pero hindi ko inakalang masusundan iyon ng mas nakakatakot na karanasan. The night that took my innocence away from me.

"W-What are you doing here?" My eyes widened when I saw him inside my room, watching me while I'm sleeping. The familiar smirk on his face still haunts me every night.

Ni hindi na ako nakasigaw nang tinakpan na agad ang bibig ko. I cried when he started  removing my pajamas. My tears rolled helplessly when he started touching me on my most private parts. I thought I was dreaming, but I've always known how to differentiate my dreams from my realities.

Isang suntok sa sikmura ang iginawad niya sa akin at tuluyan niya akong napagsamantalahan. I cried and begged even when I am almost losing my consciousness. But he went on, until I was all crumpled on the floor, like a waste.

I can still remember everything that he did to me that night, the memories are vivid. It's been haunting me for two years now.

At nakakalungkot na sa dalawang taong lumipas ng pakikipaglaban ko para sa hustisya ay ibinasura lamang ang kaso ngayong araw. No one believed in me, even my own father.

Gusto kong umiyak ngayon sa galit, sa lungkot at sa pagkakadismaya. I got raped in my own room, there were no CCTVs, there were no witnesses. But was my statement not enough? Hindi ba mahalaga ang nararamdaman at sinasabi ng biktima? Gaano ba katibay ang impormasyong kailangan para makuha ang hustisya?

I went through various tests pero ang sabi ay negatibo ang mga lumabas sa pagsusuri dahil buwan ang inabot bago ako nakapag-sumbong.

I couldn't talk the next day because I got traumatized and no one even checked on me. I locked myself up in my room for a week, I couldn't eat and I can only cry. Wala akong kaibigan na mapagsabihan, dahil sa mga panahon na 'yon, I am confused if the people around me are my real friends.

At nang nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na lumaban ay wala rin naman pala akong laban, at wala ring gustong lumaban para sa akin. I realized I only have myself.

I tried to push through even when I sound like a liar. Buong pamilya ni Tita Trisha ay galit sa akin. There were nights that I planned to stop seeking for justice. Umabot ako sa sukdulan ng pag-iisa, umabot ako sa puntong gusto ko nang mawala. And maybe if that guy didn't save me that night, I wouldn't have to go through all these pain. Maybe if he didn't save me that night, I would have been happy with my mother, regardless of where we end up.

"I bought a condo unit in Antipolo, Nicaseane. I want you to leave the house for the mean time."

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa aking ama subalit nag-iwas ito ng tingin. He can't even look at me. He abandoned her child for what? To keep this family free from the accusations? He abandoned his role in my life.

"Not for the mean time Papa, but for good!" The hate in my step sister's eyes has never subsided since the very first time she met me.

Hindi ko siya masisisi, my mother ruined their family, and I am the product of that affair, we ruined their family.

My father looked at her and nodded weakly. "My secretary is also working on your transfer to other university."

I nodded. I couldn't take away my hateful eyes from him.

Gusto kong umiyak at magmakaawa sa kaniya na tulungan ako pero mas nangingibabaw ang galit ko. Oo at anak sa labas ako at kabit ang nanay ko, pero sapat na dahilan ba iyon para talikuran ang hustisyang hinihingi ko? He's still my father!

"I will just wire you money, huwag kana munang magpupunta sa bahay."

I nodded. Isa-isa ko silang tinignan. I made sure the hate in my eyes is visible.

"Itinatakwil niyo na ako kung ganoon? Because you can't accept that your family is such a shame, that you are keeping a criminal, you're throwing me out of this house and accuse me of lying."

Tita Trisha's eyes widened in shock. "Nicaseane!"

Nilingon ko ang aking ama, "I will never forget the day that you denied me my justice Papa."

Hindi ko na hinintay ang mga sasabihin pa nila. I am so tired of pretending I am okay and I just want to leave this place.

Umakyat ako sa kwarto at nag-impake. I am amazed my tears just won't come out yet, kahit pa sobra-sobrang sakit na ang inabot ko ngayong araw, hindi ko pa rin makuhang umiyak sa harapan nila. They don't deserve to see my weak side, they will only use it to crush me down.

Magdidilim na nang natapos ako sa pagliligpit ng mga gamit. The door opened and it revealed my father. His eyes look different this time, they look so lonely and hurting. Pero manhid na yata ako at wala na akong pakialam sa nararamdaman niya.

"Anak.."

I smiled at him, "It's okay Papa, I am not supposed to be in this house in the first place. At kahit hindi mo siguro sabihin ay aalis ako ngayon dito. This place will only remind me of the inhumanity done to me."

He sighed, inabot nito ang kamay ko. Naramdaman ko doon ang isang card. Tinignan ko iyon sa palad ko bago nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya.

"I don't need this Papa.."

Umiling ito, "Kailangan mo ang condo Nicaseane, saan ka titira kung hindi mo kukunin 'yan?"

I smiled at him sadly, "I am eighteen, I will talk to my lawyer so I can claim the properties my mother named after me. I also have my trust fund. Bubuhayin ko ang sarili ko mag-isa."

"Nicaseane, I am your father."

I only smiled at him. You ended your role in my life by taking away the justice that I deserve.

Hinila ko ang dalawang maleta at nang binuksan ang pintuan ay nakaabang kaagad ang dalawang kasambahay para tumulong.

"Ako na," tanggi ko sa mga ito.

Palabas na ako sa pintuan nang muling magsalita si Papa. "I'm sorry anak.."

Tumigil ako at lumingon sa kaniya. I smiled, "Your apology is not accepted Papa. I won't ever accept apologies from this family. I will seek for the justice that I deserve. I will make sure all of you will live in guilt and regrets forever."

Dinala ko ang lahat ng gamit ko paalis sa lugar na iyon. I promise myself I won't ever go back, anuman ang maaring maging dahilan ay hindi na ako babalik sa lugar na iyon.

Pinagsisisihan kong umasa akong mabuhay ng maayos kasama ang pamilyang iyon sa loob ng apat na taon. Pinagsisisihan kong umasa ako na makakahanap ng pagmamahal at aruga mula sa aking ama. Dapat noong una palang ay nagising na ako sa katotohanang walang tatanggap sa akin dahil anak ako sa labas, anak ako ng babaeng sumira sa pamilya nila, anak ako ng babaeng kinamumuhian nila. Dapat hindi na ako nangarap na may iba pang magmamahal sa akin katulad ng pagmamahal ng aking ina. No one in this world could ever match the love of a mother to their child.

Gamit ang sasakyan ko ay nagtungo ako sa isang hotel para doon pansamantalang manatili habang nasa proseso pa ang mga papeles para sa mga minana ko sa aking ina.

My mother, my beautiful and ever so caring mother, despite being rich and elegant, fell for a married man. Alam niya ang kaniyang pagkakamali, alam niya ang naging kapalit ng pagmamahal niya para sa maling tao. But she never told me she regretted falling inlove with my father.

Sa murang edad ay ipinaalam niya ang lahat sa akin. She told me how reserved she was when she was young, pero nang nakilala ang aking ama ay gumuho ang lahat ng matatayog na pader na kaniyang itinayo para sa sarili. She told me all the struggles she went through, she told me all the hatred she received from people.

But I admired her so much for being strong. Sa tuwing ikinukwento niya sa akin ang masasakit na dinanas niya dahil sa kasalanang nagawa ay kailanman hindi ko nakitang pinagsisisihan niya ang naging bunga ng pagkakamaling iyon. She was regretful because it was wrong but she didn't regret about the aftermath. Ako ang bunga ng pakiki-apid subalit minahal niya ako ng buo, walang pagsisisi at galit.

My mother is a strong woman and I admired her for that. Baon ko sa aking puso't isipan ang mga bilin niya tungkol sa mga lalaki, tungkol sa pagmamahal. Baon ko sa aking utak ang bilin niya, na huwag na huwag ko siyang tutularan, na huwag kong hayaan ang sariling magmahal ng iba nang higit pa sa pagmamahal ko sa aking sarili, na mahalin ko muna ang sarili bago ang iba.

"Since your mother already filed probation when she was still alive, some of the properties are already yours by now. This includes a condo unit in Alcantara Condominium Tower, an agricultural land and a residential house in Pampanga. You are also using her car right now. For the remaining assets, you still have to file for probation and wait for three weeks to receive a notice. I will be preparing the testimony to prove the will."

Tumango ako habang binabasa ang last will and testament ng aking ina.

I know about the agricultural land and ofcourse the residential house in Pampanga. Doon ako lumaki at doon din namatay si Mama. Lumipat lang ako dito sa Manila nang kinuha ako ng aking ama.

"I don't think I can manage the land. Do you think I can find a buyer for this?"

"Gusto mong ibenta ang lupa Miss Monteverde?"

Tumango ako at muling bumaling sa mga papel sa aking harapan. I am not into business, I don't think I have a talent for that. Kaya mas mabuti sigurong ibenta ang lupa at idagdag sa assets ko ang perang makukuha mula rito.

"Then we need to produce an extrajudicial settlement of estate so we can sell the land and transfer the title to the buyer. Are you sure about this Miss Monteverde? So I can look for a buyer and put the land for sale?"

Tumango ako. I have planned for all of these long enough. I am eighteen and currently studying, I'm on my third year in college. I need money to support myself at wala pa akong balak galawin ang trust funds ko ngayon.

The money I make through modeling is not that big to support my needs and my studies, lalo pa ngayong wala na akong balak tumanggap ng suporta mula sa ama ko.

Paninindigan ko ang desisyon kong mabuhay mag-isa. At babalikan ko sila para kunin ang hustisya para sa sarili ko.

Kinabukasan lamang din ay nakalipat na ako sa condo. It is indeed big and spacious, lalo pa't wala naman akong mga gamit. Inabala ko ang sarili sa pag-aayos ng buong condo at sa pamimili ng ilang kasangkapan.

Sa mga sumunod na araw ay nilakad ko naman ang pagtratransfer ko sa ibang unibersidad. Hindi ko na hinintay pang asikasuhin iyon ng sekretarya ng aking ama, lalo pa't may pakiramdam akong sa malayong parte ng Maynila nila ako dadalhin. I chose to transfer to a more prestigious university.

I used my remaining days to complete all the necessities in my condo and my needs for school. At nang nag-Sabado at nagkaroon ng oras ay naghanap naman ako ng gym.

Mukha at katawan ko ang puhunan ko sa pagmomodelo kaya naman mas pinagtutuunan ko ng oras ang gym. Nakatulong ito sa akin para makalimot sa mga nangyari sa buhay ko, and it's my passion.

It's been two years. I got raped when I was sixteen. I went through hell because of that, marami ang nagbago sa akin. I was friendly and carefree but after what happened I became really conscious with the people around me, I started to have trust issues with people.

At that time, I badly needed to do something to keep myself sane, kaya ko pinasok ang pagmomodelo. There are a lot of offers and I had to choose an agency that can secure my privacy. Ngayon ay naging parte na ito ng buhay ko.

"You really don't want to take it?" Pangungulit ng agent ko.

I sighed and looked at her, "I already declined this the first time, why are you pushing me to do this Zyline?"

"It's because Rivers Altamirano will be the photographer and you know what that means!"

Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi nito, "What does that mean then?"

"Rivers Altamirano will be a part of an upcoming photography summit and his theme is feminism. He called the agency to specifically request for you as his model. That will be your biggest break Nicaseane, that's why I'm pushing you to do this!"

Inadjust ko ang speed ng treadmill hanggang sa tuluyan itong tumigil. Zyline is already on my side handing me a white towel. Tinanggap ko iyon para mapunasan ang pawis sa mukha at sa leeg habang pinanonood naman niya ako.

My agency doesn't know about my past and I couldn't tell them. They just know that I'm not comfortable doing mature themes kaya alam na nila agad kapag tinatanggihan ko ang offer.

I know Rivers, he's very famous in this field. But the theme feminism scares me, it's too powerful and I don't think someone like me is suitable for it. I don't think I can fight, I don't think I am a fighter.

"Look Nicaseane, I know you are very picky when it comes to the theme of your photoshoots but Rivers is a professional photographer. Why don't you just try to see if it's worth it?"

I sighed. Kinuha ko ang thumbler at uminom doon. Nanatiling naghihintay sa sagot ko si Zyline.

"You should try to overcome your fears and weaknesses Nicaseane. You've been our model for almost a year at malayo na sana ang narating mo kung mas open ka. Feminism is powerful and you are specifically chosen as its face, I don't understand why you're declining this."

I shrugged. If only I have the courage to tell them the truth. Pero natatakot ako, anong sasabihin ng mga tao kapag nalaman nilang isa akong rape victim? I don't want the pity, it's the last thing I will need in this lifetime.

"I believe in you Nica. You have a beautiful face and a body to die for.." bumaba ang tingin nito sa katawan ko. "You will be a big name in this industry if you just try to get out of your comfort zone."

The problem is, the society is a perfectionist. I'm scared not to fit in it's expectations, I'm scared I will be a victim again, of accusing eyes this time.

**