Chapter 3

The world me and you live in is a bitter place where sweet things can happen. To some of us life is a gracious pleasure you were lucky enough to stumble upon on your way, but to others it can be the hell on earth most talk about. 

Not all of us have the before mentioned, but are rather loaded with the heavy load of barring the latter. 

We all have options in life and therefore need to make decisions with the wisdom handed to us by the Lord.

Each and every choice affects more than just the people you directly inflict an obstacle at. 

That day Amia decided to jump in bed with her bestfriend's boyfriend; the rifles of that splash not only reach them, but a generation who haven't even been born yet. 

When she decided to pull a hit and run, Isabella could have died if it wasn't for Allé. She called the ambulance on time, she made sure that our Bella was taken care of. 

It's time that we look into ourselves and stop our selfish ways. Stop making choices only considering yourself and start making decisions taking everyone else into consideration.

●•

March 1st, 2000

"How is things with Amia?", Isabella questions without so much as a flinch. Her emotions are well hidden inside her pale coloured face. 

I take a step back. How do you talk about a woman you have slept with – not to mention your fiancée's bestfriend to put the cherry on the already unwanted cake – to your future bride. 

It astonishes me to think that she is actually still willing to have me near her like this. If I would think about it too much my brain would probably start to malfunction. 

"I haven't talked to her since the day of your accident.", I say in a monotonous manner.

"Oh.", she looks down to her hands letting out a sigh. "We are friends and if she would have been the one in my unfortunate position I would be at her side every moment I get.", she says with a hint of sadness in the tone of her melodic voice.

Her face is rather still stoic, no emotion in sight and this is actually very unusual for her. 

Isabella is the kind of woman to bare her emotions on her face. You'll always know what she feels, but ever since the doctor said that our baby didn't make it, it seems like her emotions got cut off and turned her into this stonelike version of her former self.

"Can you hand me your phone? I would like to give her a call.", she says. Her body is still weak but she puts in the effort to reach out for my phone situated on the nightstand the hospital room provides her with. 

She closed her eyes for a bit letting out a quiet breath. 

I haven't changed my password, ISABELLA, so she easily gained access to the contents of my phone. With my hands placed deep inside my pockets I gaze upon her. 

Her fingers dance across the dials of the keypad all phones so graciously provide each and all of us with.

She dialled the number without even needing to search my phone book for it. Fascinating how I can see the importance she attaches to Amia by the simple deed of  memorising her phone number.

She presses upon the green button and afterwards activates the loudspeaker. The ringing sounds throughout the room, cutting through the cunning silence resounding in it.

Although my demeanour, to any one who would be interested in taking one glance towards me, would seem calm and perhaps unfazed if I'm being pessimistic about things, the inner most deep part of my being screams in terror. One so heavy to bear the weight of it alone, but is forced to 'cause of circumstances. 

I would never admit it verbally, but as the ringing went on I wished internally for Amia to ignore the call and if one would dig deeper in my train of wishes I might have added that she would just disappear. 

How shameful of me and perhaps cruel to think like that, but I believe that I am justified to think like that. 

After what feels like ages, the ringing stops. A sigh of relief left my mouth, but before I could get excited any further about the unanswered call, her voice was so clear as daylight filled the room. 

Her presence, even over the phone, is so dominating. 

I have seen how Amia acts around Isabella. She always wants to be in control and to outsiders it may seem that she indeed does dominate over our sweet and innocent Isabella, but in reality Bella is the one in the domineering chair. Bella is a tactical person with loads of logic to make use of and therefore finds ways to make Amia think that she is in control, but in the bigger picture she is the puppet controlled by string.

"So now you call to hear about our baby, dear Noah.", Amia says with a voice laced with sarcasm, dripping from each word, but especially emphasis especially the word 'our'. 

Without a flinch or any emotion in her being, Bella replies, "Nice to hear your voice MiaBug. You would not believe how lonely it gets living in a hole filled with total darkness for the past few months."

Maintaining my position I don't move or even dare to make a sound. Observing this unfold without knowing what is going on in each of these ladies' minds is a bit concerning to say the least.

"Isabella?"Amia questions in pure disbelief. 

This makes me question even more why she stayed away from the hospital, except for her current situation.

"Aren't you glad to hear my voice? I thought we are the bestest of friends or was I just mistaken?", Isabella retorts. The tone she uses is so cold that I'm shivering just by hearing it pass my eardrums.

The mysterious way she acts is the one thing that scares me the most. Not knowing what she is actually thinking about, having to listen in on this call. 

"No we are. The reason for not visiting was, because I can not stand to see you in the condition you were in. The pain radiating from seeing you in such a state would have simply just been too much for me to witness.", she rambles. Amia was and is still a quick thinker and this lie could have passed as the truth wasn't it for her greeting.

"How is your white BMW doing? Have you fixed the front yet? The hit I got to my entire body was quite impactful, so according to Newton's third law, the same amount of damage would be inflicted on both objects. Since it sent me into a vegetative state your car couldn't have made it out fine.", the icy tone she has accustomed herself to seems to have reached a new level of coldness. 

The deliverance of this information shocked me to the core. I knew Amia was broken about my reaction, but what did she expect? For me to leave Isabella and marry her instead?

That was just wishful thinking, nothing more, but to find out she was the one who committed a hit and run. The same hit and run that caused Isabella to almost lose her life? Not to mention my baby, mine and Isabella's unborn child died in the process. 

"But how –"Amia started to question, but stopped midway. Seems that she struggles to comprehend or grasp any of the knowledge.

"No need to speak. I have already spoken to the police. My private PA gained all the needed evidence and stored it in a safe place. For the love of God please don't try to break your tiny little head over this. You're pregnant with Noah's child and therefore I'm not going to do anything.", she says. 

This is literally so hard for me to comprehend. I would have wanted the person, who tried to see me buried, behind bars as soon as possible. 

It is so hard to be this close to her, but so far at the same time. We could always understand each other without speaking, but now while she speaks it seems like a foreign language that passes her lips. 

"I think our conversation is completed. I'll contact you soon, but until then I bid you farewell.", and just like that she ended the call. Not waiting for any replies, nothing.

In all honesty, if I had to admit, I, Noah Seyit Stepanov, are finally scared of talking to a woman. Not to mention his soon to be wife if she still feels like she wants to be with me. 

"Why so silent my love?", she says while gazing upon me very intensely. 

My mouth has never felt this dry. It feels like sandpaper and therefore before speaking I pour myself a glass of water that is situated on her nightstand. The water that I'm gulping down in a very savage manner feels cool and nice upon my tongue. As the delight comes to an end I'm faced with the task of giving Isabella an appropriate answer.

"Well, for the first time in my life I don't actually know what to say.", I admit honestly. 

I grab the chair that leans against the off-white wall of the room and drag me to her bedside for me to sit on. 

"So you are going to be a dad.", she says slowly.

I open my mouth for words to flow, but nothing comes out so I push my hair back by running my long fingers through it. 

"The biggest question I have for you at the given moment is why, why would you do something that you know oh so well would inflict a large amount of pain on me?", she questions with a face that still doesn't give away any emotion.

My throat feels tight while letting the question sink in. I never even thought to myself why I did it. Why would I drink so much to end up doing such a stupid thing. 

"There is no validation for what I, I mean we – me and Amia –  did to you. Now that I look back on that night, I didn't have to drink away my sorrows like that. It would be wrong for me to blame the alcohol for my actions, but I can attests that Amia was sober and did nothing to stop the situation from escalating, but it takes two to do the tango so all I can say to you is how extremely sorry I am.", I say and for the first time I feel the stinging of tears threatening to spill from my eyes.

"I am honestly so damn sorry for what I did. I know I'll never be able to make up for this even if you would give me a lifetime, but please, I love you so much and would only ever want for you to be my wife, don't call off the wedding.", I say and for the first time I can feel the wetness on my cheeks, making me aware of my tears.

"This is hard for me. One don't just simply forget that the person you love and devoted yourself to has cheated on you with one's best friend. It hurts, it really freaking does.", the way her voice cracked near the end made my heart sink deeper. When she hurts, I hurt. 

"I just lost my baby and it is your lover's doing. Do you know the best part yet?", the way her eyes gleam makes my soul tear apart and there is nothing in my power I can do to make her feel better. "The doctor told me my ovaries are basically fruitless, I'm fruitless, and all dew to that crazy woman. You can't expect me to watch how you are becoming a father, while I have taken away the gift of becoming a mother.``Earlier her voice was so calm, icy and poised, but now it is filled with immense pain.

"I'm hurting and there's nothing that can make me feel better Noah!", she screams. If it wasn't for the thick walls, the entire hospital would probably be rushing over. "After this I don't even know if I'll let you touch me again.", the words left her mouth like daggers in my heart. 

"Bella please don't say something like that.", I say in a soft voice. The back of my hand glides over the sides of both my cheeks wiping away the tears I'm shedding. 

That one night shouldn't have happened. What the hell was I thinking? No, I wasn't thinking and that is what caused me to make the biggest mistake of my entire existence.

Tears glisten in her chocolate irises. The paleness of her skin intensifies the hurt. Her earlier emotionless features are gone with no trace of them left behind, but somehow seeing the pain that I caused her hurts way more. 

The confirmation of her emotions left my throat tight and my mouth dry. 

"If you were in my shoes, would you have taken me back? The hard headed Noah I know, wouldn't have dared to lay his gaze upon me again. That guy would have left me not looking back or seeking answers. Now you tell me why I shouldn't do the same.", Isabella says and the fact that her words are hitting home make me question myself. 

"You should leave me and find a guy that loves you and adores you. A man that would not even dare to waver at the attention of another woman, indicating interest in him.", with that said I turn around and walk to the door. It would be the greatest of lies ever spoken if I would insist that what I've said was the honest truth.

I have always just thought about myself and to keep Isabella strapped to my side, would only show chauvinism and selfishness. I love her and want her to be happy every second of each day. It breaks me to leave her like this, it really does. 

Isabella is the most beautiful woman I have met. This not only refers to her physical appearance, but also the unseen which she has in store within. 

If there is one thing she has taught me it has to be to love without boundaries, to care without limits and to give without any expectations.

This is my way of giving her back her light. If she were to stay with me, a man who betrayed her in such a foul manner, she would have lost her inner glow bit by bit.

I'm giving her to the world without the expectations of getting her back one day.

I love her now and forever.  

They say one never knows what they had until they have lost it.