Jeremy
I lean my head back and look out the window. It's almost dawn, the time when blue turns pink at the edges. The new color creeps up until it has completely chewed up the dark and then spits the sun out. It happens so fast, a blink and you've missed it. That's probably why I'm still wide awake-I can never sleep when I travel. Or it could be because of the four coffees I downed earlier and the headache I've been trying to ignore for the past few hours. I swear the stupid drive from the airport's endless.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not excited to get anywhere, I just need a shower and a smoke. The latter definitely won't make the taste in my mouth less sour, besides I won't get one anytime soon, cause I was stupid enough to throw the pack away once we landed and I regret it by the minute. I know. Olivia doesn't check my stuff anymore at least, but still. I can't predict when she might get paranoid again and start searching and lecturing until my head goes numb. It's like a limb you've fallen asleep on, wasted in the weirdest position, and wake up hours later.
There wasn't anything she could do in that sense in the last few weeks, though- my mother insisted on coming to Canada earlier with my father last month to prepare everything before we arrive. It was clear to all of us she was doing this just because she was afraid Dad would start cheating on her the moment they were more than two miles apart.
"We'll be there in no time," my father's new assistant says, looking up at us in the rearview mirror. "Canmore's not that far from Calgary, anyway." He can't stop there so he goes on "It's a very beautiful place, September's when it gets a bit chilly, but you'll get used to it quickly.
I shouldn't roll my eyes. I'm cold- the way you're cold when you haven't slept the whole night and your eyes are so itchy you feel them turning red. How is the guy so cheerful when he most likely had to get up at 3 am just to do someone a favor is beyond me.
Even if that someone's the owner of that new big ass company here.
"It was very nice of you to pick us up, Sir." My brother says in his "Oh, I'm such a nice guy you- are going- to love- me
" voice and smiles. "I hope we didn't trouble you very much.""Really?!" I mutter turning to Nathan and he just winks in response.
"Oh, not at all, it's my pleasure.” The man says,” I can put on some music if you want? "
"Yeah, sure, why not?"
Hell no.
Well, it's a Yes for you Nate, thank you- you slept through the entire flight from England.
Wait, okay- fine. I pretend to be angry, that was entirely different from the times he used to nod off at the dinner table or mid-conversation and way different from the habit he'd developed of dozing off on the couch in the home library at 4 am, glass in his hand, its content mostly spilled on the carpet.
The reggaeton, or whatever they're playing on the local radio station pulls me back to reality. I resist the urge to put my headphones on and completely ignore them. My battery's dead.
Lucky me, aren’t I?
* * *
We arrive in what feels like decades later.
"The guy's quite cool- for an old man, I mean," Nathan says, pulling out a cigarette from his pack after we've exchanged goodbyes with our driver, topped with some extra niceties and fake smiles.
"Derek?"
"Yeah, whatever his name is." he shrugs and lights it.
"He said it a few times. Anyway, yeah- it'll suck when Dad slips in jerk- mode again and starts firing people at random."
"He pays all those people's salaries.” Nathan says, exhaling, “He can do whatever he wants."
All right there, King Jr.
Neither of our parents made it to the front door to meet us. It's quite cold for September, as Derek said, so I can understand. We are welcomed by - I presume - the new maid, as my mother didn't take any of the employees we had back in England with her. But again, they weren't holding their breaths to come here, trust me.
"Thank you, Alice," Nathan says when the woman offers to carry his bags.
I glance at her apologetically, but she just smiles and nods. My brother never bothered to remember any of the household's employees' names before, regardless of how long they'd worked in the family estate. He just called them by random names he just came up with. I'm sure he sometimes did all that on purpose, just to prove something and obviously, that hasn't changed.
"Thank you. I'll bring mine; we don't have many things anyway.” I say, “ Everything else must've arrived already."
"Oh, there you are!" My mother exclaims, coming down the stairs when she sees us in the hallway. "I've been waiting for hours."
You bet she has.
It's not even seven yet and her platinum blond hair's already been done. That must've been excruciatingly inconvenient, having to go through all that trouble so early in the morning. She gives us both a kiss on the cheeks like we're in a French movie and we're old friends, meeting for afternoon tea. Or is it coffee? Wine maybe, since it's France? The scent of her preferred CHANEL fragrance is so specific it hits me the moment she leans towards me and I almost forget about the headache; no wonder she's never noticed I smoke. Her receptors must've lost their sensitivity years ago.
"How was the flight?" she asks, excited.
"Long,"
"It was okay. A bit tiring, though. " Nathan interrupts me while looking around the spacious mansion's hallway, keeping his hands low on his waist. My brother makes a face at the Matisse painting, hanging on the wall opposite him, and says. "I'm hungry by the way ."
I've already accepted the fact he'll forever have Olivia's undivided attention. He's always had it, but now she's committed to giving it to him at two hundred percent.
"Of course, yes.“ my mother says affectionately, “There's breakfast prepared in the dining room- Marta's made pancakes, it's your favorite. Your father will join us in a minute."
That's the actual King, by the way. You'll know why I call him that once you meet him.
But there's something else I've been meaning to tell you- that now's probably the first time my mom, me, or whoever else has known Nathan for the past 3 years hears him saying he's hungry, or that he wants to have anything to do with any of us at all. He most likely finally sounds normal to Mother again, because she's all smiles and sunshine- and they don't look forced, on the contrary- she seems to be genuinely happy.
It almost feels like the last six months never happened and we can all wipe our brains clean, spotless like this new house, and start everything all over again.
Kyle"Yo, where's my best Left Winger!" Jared calls me in the school hallway and approaches. The whole place is buzzing with laughter, students, and teachers. It's the first day, so everyone's still feeling summery. Yet, posters and notes are already covering the walls. Our latest trophy's in the case on the wall opposite me. Among the pool of heads and the tide of students moving around, we're easily noticed. We stand out because we're The Wolves. I mean, that's what I'm expected to think.Might be 'cause we're towering over everyone else and we're double the size of most guys our age, I don't know.There's not a single person who doesn't know Jared around here, and I don't mean just at school. The best Captain the hockey team's had in years, it's obvious we won the tournament last year thanks to him. I can't believe this is his last year in high school. He's going to university next where he can finally play professionally, after all, hockey's his whole life. Almost like it would be
EvaIt's only the first day and I'm skipping already. But my mom's just started a job for the first time since ...well, I'm not exactly sure since when, and I haven't had the house entirely to myself in ages, so it's worth it.It should be okay, we never do anything on the first day, anyway. It's been unusually sunny today and I'm sitting outside on оur small porch in my improvised patio chair, reading Tess of the D'Ubervilles. I signed up for ELA and Creative Writing this year at school, and I'll have to finish the book before we get to it. I'm occasionally glancing at the kids playing on the street. There isn't much traffic in the afternoon, so they don't care. One of them is lying on the asphalt and the other pulling him by the leg. A less than three-year-old girl stood there looking at them in confusion.Although it's always seemed to me that really small kids often look like they're confused by the world and don't know what they're doing exactly. They just observe people doing ra
EvaWe arrive later, of course. According to the cool girls' code, only losers go on time. So here we are, Christina made my hair and I think it's not so bad. That doesn't mean I don't check if I've tucked my skirt in my underwear by accident every five minutes. Cloe throws a party at beginning of every school year, and I'm probably invited here because:One- I've known Christina since we were kids and our mothers are somehow still friends, despite the huge difference between them.Two - I sometimes help their whole group with homework, including Max (he's hopeless, by the way).Three- well, I think there's no three."Chris, finally" she's suddenly surrounded by her girlfriends, hugging her, complimenting her eyeliner. Too much perfume, skin –lotion fruity scents, and brand outfits."Hi, Eva. You look nice!" one of them - Jodie - says. They're either making fun of me, or we've come later than I thought and they're drunk already."I'll go grab a soda," I tell Chris and leave them.I'm
Kyle"Guys- this is Nathan". Jared announces and pats the new guy's shoulder. "He moved here from Winchester. Right?""Manchester, " Nathan replies super seriously with an exaggerated accent. We all laugh and I can't help but think he seems like a cool guy."Oh, right. Sorry.""No worries. Even I forget where I am or where I come from sometimes."I heard Christina talking about the two new guys the other day, so that must be Jeremy's brother."Do you play hockey too?" I ask."Nay. I'm not a very good team player. I do some kickboxing, though. I mean I did back home. But yeah, not much anyway. ""That's cool. ""Well, it explains the tattoos. Is that even legal?" someone asks."How does that explain tatts, man?""I don't know, kinda part of the style.""You're so dumb, Mike.""Wanna try my uppercut, Tylor?'"What? Go to hell, Jazz""Why don't you...."They keep fooling around and I look at Nathan's arms. He's wearing a plain white T-shirt which allows me to see they are mostly covered
Jeremy"You look terrible, " Christina tells me when she comes to sit with me and Eva in the cafeteria before going to PE. The cafeteria's become our usual spot for hanging out because we can talk shit and no one will hush us the way they would if we were in the library. The only disadvantage is I can't smoke in here- I mean I tried and Chris and Eva were going to kill me.I'm finishing my third coffee and that better be my last one as I'm starting to get restless. Eva's struggling with the package of her second Reese's bar and I'm pretty sure she has at least two more in her backpack."And you're exceptionally pretty today," I reply and lean back in my chair. I'm sure she's torn between thanking me and checking whether today she looks better than she normally does. She's most likely opted for the first since she still asks"Yeah, what happened to you?""I studied for the test all night. Maths can be very damaging." Eva laughs but Christina's oblivious to the joke. Instead, she only c
EvaOn days like this, I feel my skin too tight. Unfitting. I want to rip it completely off, throw it away, run out from it free. But I can't, because I'm trapped.It's like the sky's so heavy that it keeps pressing me closer to the ground. Breathing gets harder by the second. There's this huge snake, wrapped around my chest, tightening its hold more and more. I choke on all the thoughts, suddenly flooding my mind. Why can't I turn them off, or slow them down?Words go unspoken, unheard. They get stuck in my throat. I need to scream into the empty, open-air, but all sounds dissolve into the vacuum of the dark void, surrounding me. My mind's vibrating so loud that I have the urge to put my hands on my ringing ears and silence it. I'm getting dizzy with the overwhelming feeling of fear. The impending doom, hanging over me.What's scarier is I don't know where all this is coming from. Or why. It's invisible, but I know it's there. It's like you're dying, but you aren't. It's what a hea
Kyle "Are you taking the medications I prescribed, McDavid?" The team's doctor inquires dead serious and looks at me from behind his desk, glasses pushed down low on the tip of his nose. "Nah, Doc. It's not that bad anymore. " I'm tying my shoelaces as quickly as I can, I can't wait to leave because I hate all those cabinets. The last time I did my checkup he gave me some kinds of painkillers, I don't remember the name and I don't care about them. I know most of the guys on the team take them, especially Jared, but it's not for me. The pills helped me with the pain, but they were also making me sleepy. I couldn't feel much, not just pain. Anything. And even if it sounds funny- I hated that. It was as if I was out of control, even of the discomfort. So I simply stopped taking them eventually. "You tore an adductor a few weeks ago, boy, "Doc continues, "it looks better than last time I checked, but you can't have fully recovered by now. Especially considering how serious the injury
EvaWe finish earlier on Fridays, so we hang out after school with Chloe and Chris. Jeremy and Max came with us too, but Max has a game later and can't stay much. Jeremy turned out to be way more patient than me when explaining Victorian Classics, although he didn't look like it at first. I'm heading home, it's almost 4 pm -mom should still be at work.Rudy's wandering around, so she comes my way and gives me the usual sniff and a lick on the hand."Did I pass the security check for today?"I scratch her behind the ears and once she's had enough, I'm good to go. I put the key in the locker and discover the door's open. Then I see the shoes my mom went out with this morning. I go inside and see her lying on the couch, covered under a blanket. You've got to be kidding me."Mom?" Don't tell me she got fired again. "Hey, Mom? Are you ok?"She pokes her head out of the cover and says, her voice hoarse. "I don't feel very well so they let me go home for the day.""Just for today?"I know I
D Fox The story Nathan talks about when he explains his tattoos is Sakura Gari (The Hunt for Cherry Blossoms) by the brilliant Yuu Watase. He was the character I was most hesitant about when writing, just because Nathan is the ‘misunderstood’ one; the one even I couldn’t always understand. Everything starts with Jeremy, who speaks to the reader whenever he’s uncomfortable; he breaks the fourth wall in an attempt to escape, until he finally stops because he’s found his way. Partly thanks to Kyle, partly because of himself. And by the end, Eva is the one who starts talking to us. Gray Daze is the novel I began writing even before The Gentleman’s Code. I was just afraid of writing about some of the topics here. Afraid, because I know everyone dealing with any kind of emotional trauma, or however you want to name mental health problems (I hate the word problems, especially in this context, but that’s how they’re listed in the Mental Health Foundation List) has a different experienc
Eva "Eva, I'm off. Don't forget to eat something before you go to your part-time, okay?" “Okay. “ “Bye then, “ "No, Mom. Wait." I rush down the stairs and catch her right before she's closed the door from the outside. "Wait." "What is it." “Nothing. “ I kiss her lightly on the cheek "Just wanted to say have a nice shift." "Is this because I found out about the tattoo?" "No," I smile, "Because of everything else." My mother smiles at me and cups my face. “I’m your mother, Eva. “ “But still…” She pauses and when she speaks again, her voice is full of affection and understanding. "We all make mistakes. Look at me. And we're all first teenagers before we become adults. So don't think just because I am old, I don't remember what it's like to be 18." "Okay, I know, I just..." I cast my eyes down, and even though it hadn't been her intention, I feel guilty. Not for now. But for before, for all the things I've thought about her or called her in my head. "Okay, Eva
KyleI hear footsteps coming my way, as I'm lying under a car in Dad's garage, trying to fix the breaks of an old model they just brought in.I know it's not Jeremy because he's with Stela and they wouldn't be so quiet if they came in.I slide from under it and see my father."Dad?"We've been walking carefully around each other in the past few days.The reason- well, he knows about my grand show at the finals."Hello, Kyle.""Uhh, I'm almost done here, is there anything else I need to fix? I thought you'll be working on the truck. "I have no idea what he's doing here."No, you... That's enough for today once you finish with that one you can go.""Uh, okay."I'm still lying, waiting for him to continue.My father props himself against the front of one of the cars opposite me and crosses his arms.Then he relax
"Eva? Really? ""Yeah, why? "" I'm Adam. ""You are kidding," Chris exclaims and I give him a flat look."That's not your real name.""Does it matter?"The guy asks and leans forward, placing his palms on the table we've been standing around."No," I say, "It doesn't.""Are you a friend of Max's?"Chris asks and the guy, maybe his name is Adam for real, and he shakes his head. "No, my friend is. I don't know anyone here.""You do now."Chris says teasingly and they exchange a smile."You have a friend here, let's go to him. I wanna meet him."I'm pretty sure Chris is getting tipsy, but that shouldn't be a problem.On the contrary.We go back to the living room, where I see an unfamiliar face, and I assume that's Adam's friend.He's another cute guy, not that tall, but it's still evident he works out.Adam introduces u
"Eva!"Chris hugs me when she sees me enter the room at Max's.It's crowded, as usual.I can't help but glance at the piano, and that time when I first spoke to Nathan.It feels like two lifetimes ago."I wasn't sure you'd come," she says worriedly.But I'm not worried, not anymore. I don’t care f he’s here or not. I might be lying to myself, but I’m trying to sound as persuasive as possible, even in my head. So far it hasn’t been working, but I’m doing my best."Well," I smile widely, “I have a reason to celebrate too. ““Yeah?”“The principal let me off the hook this time.“"No!""Yes," I say and Chris hugs me again.“I mean, it wasn’t that simple, but he said considering my previous record, he won’t suspend me.““Oh, my god, that’s awesome. We really should cel
* * *We won. We didn't only win, but we won with a big difference. It’s indescribable, I feel my hands are shaking while I am taking my skates off. Even an hour later, the exhilaration still hasn’t died yet and I hear the others singing and banding the walls on their way to the lockers. They all come in together, I guess I’m busted because I kind of ran away again."Sorry, guys," I say and laugh "But I just thought that's the thing to do." "Are you crazy? " Will pushes past Mile and says "We were with you since the beginning. I don't care where you put your thing as long as it's not in me." "Yeah, Kyle. I mean, “ Max says, “I knew ever since I saw you with Jeremy at my place." "Really?" "Well, yeah. I don't know, man. Just- I don't care, what you do is your business. I don't think anyone else besides Jared had a problem with it." "And his actual problem was you're better. That's all." Will says"I can't believe you think that,"“Of course we do. That's more girls for us, right
Kyle"All right, listen up," Coach gathers us all right before the game."That's your most important game. Not only because we're almost at the finals, but because tonight the audience is not just your grannies or cousins, all right?""Yes, Coach,"We say together and he continues "Tonight there are recruiters from some of the top league teams. Do you know what this means?"It's like we're retarded. Of course, we know what it means, but we can't tell him that, so we shout in agreement again."Now get your asses out there and if you impress the right people, your future is something to be proud of. Come on and let's kick The Knights' asses."Everyone starts booing and we lift our sticks and get out on the ice.My teammates are excited, dizzy with the adrenaline, and the amazing prospect of either being offered a scholarship, or invited to an actual professional team.&nbs
"You stupid bitch, who do you think you are?" Maddison pulls my hair and my hand goes automatically for hers, pulling harder.It probably looks nothing like fighting in movies.It's mostly hair-pulling and shouting.I feel hands around my waist, pulling me back.I see someone else's arms wrap around Maddison and there's enough space around us now that I can pause and take a breath. "You're crazy," She keeps shouting at me and I push my classmates to hold me.The damage- I did pull her hair extensions and they're now on the floor.Some of the guys around are laughing, others are frowning at her eye, turning blue very quickly. Me. Well. I feel the blood of my split lip trickling and my hand shots to wipe it clean and I flinch as I do so, because it stings. The reason for all of this-Maddison is wearing the scarf I saw in Nathan's room.
Oh, there it is, I think to myself. This is what probably Nathan meant when he said addiction never goes away.He not only meant it doesn't go away for you but also the people around you.I guess they suspect him every time he is home after eleven.I shake my head, somehow understanding why he doesn't like trusting people.Trust is a two-way street, and, even his closest, or at least those that are supposed to be his closest ones, don't trust him."No, Jeremy," I say and smile "Don't worry. He's fine. We're fine."He frowns and something passes his face."What?""No, nothing. That's good, then. Just don't trust him too much, all right? ""I thought you were his brother."I joke."Exactly."He holds my eyes for a second and I decide to change the topic."Okay, I’ll keep it in mind. Thank for…for the warning. And you? How are thing