The Scariest Trap

Eva

On days like this, I feel my skin too tight. Unfitting.  I want to rip it completely off, throw it away, run out from it free.  But I can't, because I'm trapped.

It's like the sky's so heavy that it keeps pressing me closer to the ground. Breathing gets harder by the second. There's this huge snake, wrapped around my chest, tightening its hold more and more. I choke on all the thoughts, suddenly flooding my mind. Why can't I turn them off, or slow them down?

Words go unspoken, unheard. They get stuck in my throat. I need to scream into the empty, open-air, but all sounds dissolve into the vacuum of the dark void, surrounding me. My mind's vibrating so loud that I have the urge to put my hands on my ringing ears and silence it. I'm getting dizzy with the overwhelming feeling of fear. The impending doom, hanging over me.

What's scarier is I don't know where all this is coming from. Or why. It's invisible, but I know it's there. It's like you're dying, but you aren't. It's what a heart attack feels like, maybe. Except for the pain is probably different. Will my heart burst into this too tight cage? Will the blood choke me and eventually splatter out everywhere? Beads of sweat start forming on my upper lip and I realize drops are already trickling down my spine. I need to do something. I can't stay trapped in my mind. The fact I'm in class makes me even more nervous and scared. What will the others think if I run out of the room? Do they know? Can they see something's off with me? And what if I faint on my way out?

I pick up my pen and start scribbling random things in my notebook, just to keep my mind busy. It does help sometimes, doing something with your hands, not focusing on your head.

But it's not working today.

I need to get away from here as quickly as possible before my chest bursts. It's so hot in this room, even though it's almost November.  Someone should’ve opened a window. I glance around and see Jeremy's slumping against his chair in the back as he normally does, but now he's looking directly at me. His brows are furrowed, and I panic even more because it looks like he knows what's going on. Maybe it's really obvious something's wrong.

I ask Miss Chase if I can go out.

"Of course, dear,"  she smiles, not a trace of suspicion in her voice. I try to stop myself from rushing out, but once I close the door from the outside I quicken my pace as much as possible. I feel like the restrooms are miles away and I'll never reach them. I do. Eventually.

Once I'm finally there I find the girl's WC is empty and quiet. I check just in case. Okay.

I look at myself in the mirror. It feels like my face is crooked or contorted in some weird places.

But there's nothing on the outside, besides I'm slightly paler than normal; but really, that's all.

I splash my face and chest with cold water.

Repeat.

Again.

After I've poured some more of it, I'm almost breathless. My teeth are chattering, but  I feel better now.

It helps somehow, I have no clue why. The water's running and I keep my hands under the stream. I splash some more of it and now my whole front is wet, my hair sticking to my neck and forehead. Luckily,  I rarely wear white shirts, cause that would be troublesome.  Whatever is was and keeps happening to me out of the blue occasionally, has passed and I'm so relieved I relax against the cold restroom tiles. I try to keep breathing deeper, not caring the least how dirty I'm leaning is. Someone has scribbled "This is the strangest life I've ever known" on one of the stalls' doors. I smile at how relatable that is, and not just now.

It's just that having an anxiety disorder definitely puts you in the strangest of situations at the worst of times.

 I stay like that for a few more moments before I decide it's time to go back. I gather myself and leave. And that's when the shaking starts. I thought I might skip that part. More like hoping I would. 

It's so bad this time I feel I'll chip a tooth. I clench my jaws really, really tight and realize belatedly- I can't go back to class.

Without much thinking I decide I will just go out, there isn't much time left before the class is over anyway. There's a small balcony on the rooftop, which should be empty, as guys who skip classes normally gather in the backyard.

Once I'm up there, I hug myself against the cold and lean my elbows on the rail. The sky's so gray and darker clouds gathering in the distance. It doesn't smell like rain yet but it's starting to get windy and I can tell a storm's coming. The scary feeling of inevitable doom is gone now, the shaking now's only because it's a bit chilly. It's the nicest feeling.

 I take the deepest breath, slowly exhale and it's like I can tell the oxygen is finally filling up my lungs. My limbs are a bit heavy with the same sensation you get when you've walked all day and finally sit down. It's the same feeling that I get when I've swum for hours during the day and it feels like I'm still in the water once I'm back in my bed in the evening.

"If I were you, I would not jump. It's not that high and you will just have to exist as a cripple till the rest of your life. No one wants that."

My heart skips a beat and I turn around startled.

Nathan. I gasp. I try to think.

I have no idea what he’s doing here. I glance behind him, but he's alone.  Nathan approaches and then leans deep over the rail.

"Yup, not that high as I thought. I didn't mean to startle you, by the way. Hi. " he smiles and I swear I forget everything else.

He's so, so beautiful.

 I feel like he's even more handsome than the last time I say him. His gray eyes are slightly darker than I remember. I don't know if it's because of the weather or that's how they normally are - I've never been so close to him before, so I have no clue if I imagine it.

" Hi," I mutter and focus on my hands, which are nervously picking at threads from my sleeves.

"Cigarette?" he asks and passes the box my way.

"Oh, no. Thank you."

He lights his own and exhales. "I'm trying to quit that too, but it doesn't go as planned. It used to help me relax, but now's just a habit when I'm bored. Or drunk. Or both. Which is quite often" he snorts and shakes his head.

I want to say something, without sounding obnoxious. Or dumb. To surprise him, interest him, anything- just to keep him here, talking to me.

Of all the ways we could meet, it had to be like this.

"But I guess that's how I'll feel here from now on." he continues. "Are you cold, by the way?"

"No, no- I'm okay. I needed some air."

"Are you sure? Your hair's wet, so " he starts taking off his jacket, cigarette between his teeth.

"It's okay, thank you. It's just that... I wanted to go out and..."

"Yeah, anxiety and all that. " he finishes for me. "Who wouldn't get it here. "

He stubs his cigarette and pulls away from the rail. "Fine then. "

He takes a few steps and turns back to me

"Just so you know, you missed the one-time offer to wear my jacket and my scent for a while. And now I don't have an excuse to talk to you again."

 Uh-uh. What.   

"I'll see you around, Miss Shy" he winks and leaves me staring after him. And I just stand there. I don't know how much time passed before it starts raining. I feel the big, heavy drops falling on my bare hands.  Twenty, four hundred, thousands now. Slow and clumsy at first, they're now unstoppable.

It's pouring.

When I look back at that time, I realize it was right then and there I fell stupidly and blindly for him. I just chose to deny it for a bit longer after- until I realized how much power a single person could hold over someone. Until I looked around and saw the boy with the mysterious smile had marked my life and me forever, reshaped it in ways I never imagined possible before.