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213. On the Hook
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2021-09-13 17:13:37
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 214. Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner
It was a relief to see the girls still alive and seemingly unhurt. Of course, they could be set on fire at any moment, but then you couldn’t expect everything to go your way. I certainly couldn’t.We were hidden behind trees on a rise overlooking the village which consisted of at least a couple of dozen buildings. It was quite a pretty setting for burning people to death. People had gathered around the three stakes to which Jenny, Claire and Flossie were bound. There were thirty or forty people sat on the grass like they were at a summer festival, relaxed, at the back, trying to work out if it was Iggy Pop or the Red Hot Chilli Peppers on the main stage.And then there were the armed guards. Their clothes were more formal, matching in colour and style. They had weapons, although it was hard to tell if they were well-used and stained with dried blood, or made from old tin pots beaten into the approximate shape of the real thing.Even though they had weapons, they di
Dernière mise à jour : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 215. The Touchables
The villagers bolted for their houses. There was pandemonium as they violently shoved each other in an attempt to not be the first to get eaten alive.Claire had mentioned the children were at risk, but no one seemed very concerned for their welfare at the moment. Some were grabbed and dragged along but many were left to fend for themselves. Those who got trapped underfoot were unceremoniously kicked out of the way.We hapless three, Maurice, Dudley and I, watched them run around without any sense of decorum, in some cases running in the wrong direction and having to correct themselves and run back the way they’d just come. We did our best to stay out of their haphazard paths.The monster’s roar, which was like a howl that went on longer and with more modulation than a Mariah Carey live performance, carried on over the top of the villagers’ antics. They disappeared into their homes, diving in through windows and slamming doors behind them.The last few strag
Dernière mise à jour : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 216. Guardians of the Green
It was the age old story, the band of brave adventurers off to rescue the fair maidens in peril. The stuff of classic fairy tales.This particular version had some slight variations from the traditional tropes, though.The reluctant hero wasn’t usually as reluctant as I was, for a start. And the adventurers who set forth tended to have some kind of a chance of being victorious. Joshaya was like the guy in the Magnificent Seven going around collecting an assortment of sharpshooters and cutthroats, only all of them were out when he called, so he had to take us.“What do you know about the priestess and her powers?” I asked.“Not much,” said Joshaya. “There’s seven of them, and they’ll kill you first chance they get. About all you need to know.”“Do you have a plan?”“Kill them first.”“How?”He shrugged. “See when we get there. Never tried this before.”Very reassuring.“This is your fault,” I said to Maurice.“
Dernière mise à jour : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 217. Procrastination Agent
They say everyone you meet on the way up, you will also meet on the way down — well, not the ones you kill, obviously, they won’t be making any surprise guest appearances, so fuck those guys — but others will remember what you were like when things were going well, and treat you accordingly when you aren’t so high and mighty.I think that’s good advice, up to a point, but my own personal approach is to avoid everyone on the way up and the way down. That way, when they meet you going in either direction, they’ll hopefully have no idea who you are.Sometimes that isn’t possible. Sometimes you end up getting embroiled in other people’s problems and in those situations, when others need your help, you should treat them kindly and fairly, and get away from them as quickly as possible before their shit infects your life, too.Unless, that is, they have weed.Then you have a friend worth taking to the airport. Not picking up, mind you—that’s a nightmare and not wor
Dernière mise à jour : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 218. Party to a Lie
The morning was spent fishing. Not for fish, though. The frogmen gathered around the edge of the lake, their Frogfather squatting in the middle paying them no mind, and waded through the muddy banks and rushes. They foraged around for slugs and bugs and various slimy critters which they collected in wicker baskets.These weren’t small, garden-variety bugs. The slugs were the size of your arm. The other creatures weren’t tiny, either. They were all things you would run from your house screaming if you found them in your shower.When all the baskets were full, the Elder gave the order (to be more accurate, he waved everyone away with an irritated grimace), and they lined up in two rows to form a path from the lake to the jungle.They raised their baskets of wriggling unpleasantness and made hooting noises.Pogo’s eyes swivelled in their sockets to look at them. The tip of his tongue slid across his endless lips and shot out from the corner of his mouth, but th
Dernière mise à jour : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 219. There Was an Attempt
We travelled back to the pond to regroup and assess the situation.“How are you going to get good enough to beat him?” asked Maurice, a little concerned that his girlfriend was about to get married off to someone with a much better resume than him.“He didn’t give us a time limit, did he?” I said. “You never know, I might be a quick study. Depends how good a teacher the old geezer is.”“You want them to wait in there while you spend the next three weeks cultivating your skills in a cave somewhere?” He was starting to get a bit shirty, which was more to do with his concerns for Claire than any genuine animosity towards me. We were in the same boat and we both knew there was no option other than to learn how to sail it.Three weeks, though, was somewhat optimistic.“I don’t know how long it’ll take. Or even if it’s possible. But it’s bought us some time.”Dudley started twitching, which was an indication that he was gearing up to say something he
Dernière mise à jour : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 220. Grotto Life
Despite ragging on the girls for the stupidity of their actions, I wasn’t completely oblivious to why they’d put me in this position. Whatever Claire had seen or Jenny had felt, it was obvious to them that we had to be separated, and quickly.I don’t know why, or how they thought we’d react — maybe they didn’t have time — but they wouldn’t have done what they did if it wasn’t the only choice they had.That doesn’t mean it wasn’t retarded, but you can’t blame them for that (or you’d never be able to stop). I had to figure out what to do, regardless of the restrictions. And if I failed, I wanted my epitaph to read: This was your fault. It didn’t matter who read it, they’d know I was right.I spent the next couple of days staring at the blueprint of the castle drawn in the sand. I would throw out a question to the forest every now and again, and occasionally I would get an answer. Life in a fantasy world was a million different types of crazy, plus talking trees. You
Dernière mise à jour : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 221. Colin-Fu is Leaking
Ever have the feeling things aren’t the way you thought they were? That’s the trouble with winning, it imbues you with confidence, and everything looks good. Makes you think ‘nearly there’ is the same as ‘really there’.Very dangerous thing, confidence. Like any tool, it has its uses, helps you get things done. But if you’re not careful, you can slice your thumb off.Joshaya disappeared in a haze, and we were left in our little glade with the frogmen and one giant frog.“What did he mean by that?” said Maurice. “What was the prize?”I would have liked to think he was just being an arsehole. He’d lost and was throwing out a vague threat to make us less smug in victory. Which would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do, if you were an arse. Solid arsehole tactics.But I didn’t think that was why he’d said it. It felt much more likely I’d screwed up and played into his hands.“Um, hey, forest? Gerand? Hey, dwarf?” My voice grew louder and more des
Dernière mise à jour : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
