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207. Dargot After Dark
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2021-09-13 17:13:37Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 208. Head Counsel
I didn’t trust Peter, and I didn’t trust Queen Zarigold. Peter was a slippery slimeball, and what kind of a nonsense name was Zarigold?Being told they were working together wasn’t all that surprising. I imagined it was one of those partnerships where you combine your resources to attain a common goal, and as soon as that goal is achieved, you both run around in circles to see who can stab the other in the back first.The bigger question was how did they plan to shaft me?Peter had his hand held out.“You want this?” I asked him.Peter smiled, his teeth all perfect white and his slicked-back hair glistening with oil or wax or whatever old men used to mould their hair into shape like a Lego hairpiece.“It isn’t a matter of want, kiddo. I need it to make sure we don’t lose our lives to the elf threat.”The elf threat. He made it sound like they were creeping across the border to steal our jobs and women.“What kind of threat?” I ask
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 209. Blow by Blow
I was confused. Not about my sudden introduction to man-dwarf love — that I could deal with the old-fashioned way of pretending it never happened — but by Biadet’s revelation.She said I had a special ability and that it was being untouchable. What the hell did that mean?I could be touched in the physical sense. I could be hurt and killed. If she didn’t mean it literally, then what?You also had to take into consideration that she could be wrong. Or lying. Or just messing with me. Or it could be one of those situations where I had to figure it out for myself, because reasons. I really had no idea.“Do you want to get off me?” asked Jenny, still upset.I was sitting on her with my hands under her shirt. Her wound was healed and overall things had turned out okay for everyone involved (as long as you didn’t look too closely at the sexual ramifications).“I think you’re being unfair,” I said as I got up.“Thanks for the feedback.” Ice cold
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 210. Hanging by A Thread
I will admit I hadn’t thought things through. The Intui grabbed my spike and the first thing that jumped into my mind was Perfect! Suddenly, the ideal situation had presented itself for testing. Science demanded action.If I could get the belligerent lizardman to stab me (yes, this is how retarded my plan was) then it would reveal, possibly in a beam of light from the heavens with angelic choir backing singers, the true nature of my special power.Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.My healing ability had made me somewhat gung-ho when it came to getting hurt, and pain is one of those things you get less scared of the more you experience it. I could handle a couple of sharp stabs to the stomach, I had somehow convinced myself.The gem tasted tangy as it went down. I probably should have washed it first. I didn’t worry about what the dwarf inside the stone would do to me once it was inside my body because of what Peter said. He had told me it was imp
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 211. Battle of Five Armies (Part 2)
I headed for the door without really knowing where I was going. “Fight’s this way, is it?”The whole room was staring at me.“Are you feeling alright?” asked Claire. Not in a ‘Can I help you?’ way, more of an ‘Is it contagious?’ while backing away manner.“I’m fine. Untouchable.”It was hard to know how to explain it to them. Or even if I should. To be honest, I didn’t understand it all that well, myself. I could access an alien landscape that looked like some tentacle hentai fan’s wet dream, and float about like Peter Pan.“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ve finally figured out what my special ability is. We got this. No problemo.” I gave them a thumbs up, which only seemed to increase their concern.Yes, I was overselling it a bit. I didn’t actually have a fully formed idea of how to deal with the elf, but I felt better for having discovered I had an ability, even if I hadn’t worked out how to use it properly.It could easily be one of those
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 212. Eye on the Prize
The elf’s giant head tilted slowly and the rolling mist forming its eyebrows slid closer together. “You want to surrender?” The voice blew my hair back. “We haven’t fought yet.”“No, and I’d prefer to keep it that way. You obviously have the advantage. Even if we find a way to win, thousands will die, and then some idiot will take control for a bit, and there’ll be more wars and more fucking about as one person tries to wrest power from another. Better to let you be in charge and opt for a little stability.”The head drifted closer to me, all of it moving at once but not all at the same speed, which gave the face a strange, shuddering quality. I wanted to back away, but I held my position. I could have quite easily dived into the slightly open mouth.“What kind of hero are you?” she asked.A fair question.Obviously, not many people are going to think it’s a good idea to let Sauron take over Middle-earth. He’s evil, he’s got the Nazgul pulling ques
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 213. On the Hook
The fish were screaming. There was a time when such a thing would have disturbed me, now it barely registered. I thumped each fish on the head with a bough I found nearby. That’d give them something to scream about.I walked along the bank of the lake we’d stopped at and bonked each shrieker with a quick, sharp, well-aimed strike. Abattoir Colin, new character skin.The girls were lounging about like they were on holiday, half-dressed and soaking up the sun which was high overhead. We had flown east for the whole of the night, borne on the backs of dragons, eager to get as far away as we could from Elfs and dwarfs, and any creature capable of doing us harm.It could be said that group included every living thing on this planet, but there had to be somewhere in this world where the murderous beasties were too busy killing each other to bother with small fry like us.We were a thin weedy bunch who offered not much in the way of sustenance or nutrition. Apart f
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 214. Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner
It was a relief to see the girls still alive and seemingly unhurt. Of course, they could be set on fire at any moment, but then you couldn’t expect everything to go your way. I certainly couldn’t.We were hidden behind trees on a rise overlooking the village which consisted of at least a couple of dozen buildings. It was quite a pretty setting for burning people to death. People had gathered around the three stakes to which Jenny, Claire and Flossie were bound. There were thirty or forty people sat on the grass like they were at a summer festival, relaxed, at the back, trying to work out if it was Iggy Pop or the Red Hot Chilli Peppers on the main stage.And then there were the armed guards. Their clothes were more formal, matching in colour and style. They had weapons, although it was hard to tell if they were well-used and stained with dried blood, or made from old tin pots beaten into the approximate shape of the real thing.Even though they had weapons, they di
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 215. The Touchables
The villagers bolted for their houses. There was pandemonium as they violently shoved each other in an attempt to not be the first to get eaten alive.Claire had mentioned the children were at risk, but no one seemed very concerned for their welfare at the moment. Some were grabbed and dragged along but many were left to fend for themselves. Those who got trapped underfoot were unceremoniously kicked out of the way.We hapless three, Maurice, Dudley and I, watched them run around without any sense of decorum, in some cases running in the wrong direction and having to correct themselves and run back the way they’d just come. We did our best to stay out of their haphazard paths.The monster’s roar, which was like a howl that went on longer and with more modulation than a Mariah Carey live performance, carried on over the top of the villagers’ antics. They disappeared into their homes, diving in through windows and slamming doors behind them.The last few strag
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
