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173. One Man Party
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2021-09-13 17:13:35Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 174. Dragon and Off Again
“What do you mean... dragon?” asked Laney.They were all fixated on the large shape wheeling around, occasionally blotting out the sun. I was tempted to slowly back away and hope they were too engrossed in the air show to notice. Unfortunately, the women had formed a ring around me and were still pointing their swords in my general direction.“You don’t know what a dragon is?” I said.“I know what a dragon from a storybook is, but they aren’t real.” Laney had one hand on her hip and the other shielding her eyes. I guess you’d want to make sure you were really seeing what you thought you were seeing, but the shape in the sky wasn’t exactly ambiguous. It was a fucking dragon.“It’s real. There’s loads of them in Monsterland, or there were. I guess they’re looking for a new home now.”“In her own way, she is magnificent,” said Guardian Telma.“It’s a he, not a she,” I said.This news upset Telma, although I’m not sure why. I was just statin
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 175. Welcome to Requbar
The women gave a victorious yell as the dragon disappeared into the blue sky. As far as they were concerned they’d seen the monster off and songs would be sung about their heroism and valour. Idiots. All they’d really done was scare off a flying cow.Even worse, they no longer looked at me like some feeble kid they had nothing to fear from. I was capable of taking on mighty beasts single-handed which meant one of two things. They’d either want me to do the jobs they didn’t want to do themselves, or they’d see me as a threat and want to put me in my place. If ever there was a time to leave the party early, it was now.“So, Dragonslayer,” said Laney, “you really are the one who was sent to help us.”“No, I wasn’t. You should keep looking, the guy you want is probably around here somewhere. I have to find the rest of my party. And stop calling me Dragonslayer. It sounds corny.”I’d already tried to get her to stop calling me Dragonslayer using logic (I hadn’t s
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 176. The Good Dungeon Guide
I stepped into the dark and walked down a long, loamy-smelling tunnel. If I stretched out my hands, I could touch the walls on either side. The musty smell didn’t help either. It was like I was being buried alive very slowly.“Don’t worry,” said Laney, “it gets brighter.” Behind us there was the sound of footsteps and jangling armour. I estimated half a dozen soldiers had followed us down the hobbit hole.There were probably other entrances with less claustrophobic passages. I felt like I was being taken in the back door. No, that wasn’t a euphemism. At least, I hoped not.There was some sort of glow up ahead, and the tunnel opened into a larger chamber with streaks of light crisscrossing all over it. The light came from holes high up on the walls, I presumed in the side of the hill. Slanting beams of yellow sunlight formed a strange light show above us.Soldiers surrounded me on three sides, but left the way forward clear for me to proceed. I was being herd
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 177. A Terrible Rebel
“Wait!”The stone slid back out again. “Yes?”The news of Requbar’s impending demise had suddenly made me less keen on my hideaway holiday home. It was fine for a visit, but I wouldn’t want to be buried alive here. I wasn’t looking for that kind of long term commitment.“How are things in Requabar? I’ve only just arrived here myself. I’m Colin, by the way.” There was a time when introducing myself to someone would have set my teeth on edge and broken me out in a cold sweat. How far had I come that I was now able to hold a perfectly normal conversation with a homicidal maniac?“Only just arrived and already banged up in the highest security cell in the city?” He chuckled to himself. “Well, well. You must have done something pretty bad to catch their attention so quick.”“I didn’t do anything.” I sounded a little defensive. “They think I’m somebody I’m not.” Now I sounded evasive.“Well, whoever this other chap is, I hope he’s out there making a
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 178. Girl Interrupted
“But yes, of course,” said Schneed. He began removing more stones from the wall. “The more the merrier.” He grinned at me as the hole got bigger. “Ooh, can you imagine their faces when they find us gone? Haha, silly women.”I sneaked a look over at Marv. She had her lips pinched tight like she was forcing her mouth to stay closed.“Do you want some help?” I moved forward to take some of the stones out from my side.“Oh, no, no,” said Schneed with a flurry of hands to wave me away. “I need to remember the exact order I took them out in. That’s the secret, you see. Location, location, location. You just stand back and watch a master at work.”He seemed to know what he was doing, so I left him to it. The hole in the wall slowly opened like the iris of a camera. On the other side, the stones were laid out in a distinct pattern on the floor around Schneed’s feet. And beyond them, Marv sat staring. She didn’t look happy. And she looked her unhappiest when she was
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 179. Mr Sabotage
I held my breath, which only made the breaths of the other two more audible. They were crouched beside me.“Who is it?” whispered Marv.“Rats, got to be,” replied Schneed.“Do we fight?” Marv didn’t seem keen. She was a trained soldier, so for her to be freaking out wasn’t a good sign.“We wait. Hope they don’t see us.”We waited as the light got brighter. Three figures, each carrying a flaming torch, walked into our tunnel and stopped, waving the torches about.They were clearly rats, at least by the shape of their heads. They were wearing armour so it was hard to tell what kind of bodies they had, but their tails suggested rat-like. They walked upright and reminded me a lot of the Mouse King, except they were not old and frail. These guys worked out. They also carried swords.“Where is he? The little shit,” complained one of them in a whiny voice.“Shut up,” said another. “We keep going until we find him.”“But I’m hungry
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 180. Heart of Dimness
“What was that?” said Marv. She was crouched with her arms covering her head.“That, my friend, is the future of Requbar,” said Schneed proudly.“Are you saying you caused the earthquake?” I asked him.“Of course! The women might not think they need us, but they don’t know what we’re capable of. Soon they will look at us with fear and respect.”There was a murmur of agreement from the men around us. They were willing to risk everything, even their own lives, to impress the ladies. What woman doesn’t want a guy who can make the earth move?“Haha, just you wait!” Schneed was very excited by the prospect. “The looks on their faces. Ha!” He did a little jig.The men around us joined in his dance, laughing and linking arms. Another tremor, a smaller aftershock, rippled through the ground. It dislodged hardly any rocks, although a couple of shacks fell over (which they were probably going to do anyway).The men all froze in place as though the
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 181. Escapology
Was announcing the attack a good idea? Probably not. The attack in general served little purpose. The plan was already near completion. Even if they stopped now, the stalactites were bound to fall eventually. The climbers chipping away at them were cutting wedges like lumberjacks and had gone in quite far already. It was only a matter of time for them to turn into splash mountain.The warning was enough for Sonny to sidestep out of the way and roll Marv past, leaving her heading for an early (and final) bath. If this was what her assassin training had taught her, I couldn’t imagine the Queen’s agents had ever killed anyone. Marv would have fallen into the acid lake if Sonny hadn’t grabbed the back of her shirt and pulled her back.He threw her towards the men who jumped on her, four of them holding her arms. She looked too stunned by her near death experience to resist.“A spy!” shouted Sonny. “I knew it.”“Oh no!” wailed Schneed from beside me. “I brought i
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
