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99. Brassed Off
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2021-09-13 17:13:31Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 100. Welcome to Monsterland
The smaller creatures didn’t look too intimidating. About the size of monkeys, although in various shapes.A raccoonish thing sporting a beard and long hair with a centre parting was busy hammering tent poles into the ground.A creature resembling a squirrel with a bushy tail but the face of one of those big-nosed monkeys scampered through branches, tying off vines that held up the roof of some kind of stall.Some of them wore clothes — little waistcoats with pockets, or bandoliers with tools and weapons hanging from them — and I could see Flossie’s eyes expanding with glee. She was practically salivating at the prospect of grabbing one and giving him a cuddle. Right before he throttled her with his adorable human-like hands and ate her face.The larger creatures were less endearing. Some of them were a mixture of human and beast, and not cute like a cat-girl with ears and tail and sexy human body. More like a large cat that decided to walk upright and bulke
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 101. Beware the Jabberwock
It didn’t take me long to get changed. I had fallen asleep in my clothes and only needed to put my shoes on. I emerged from the tent bleary-eyed but ready for action. More or less.Keezy was waiting for me with a small creature at his side. It came up to about my waist and had the head of a dog but with human-ish ears and eyes. It also had a tail that slapped from side to side. If it were an actual dog, I would assume it was happy, but it wasn’t an actual dog so who knows?“This is May-May. He will act as our tracker.”If here were an actual dog, I would also assume he’d sniff the ground and then catch Kungen’s scent. It’s hard not to let your preconceptions inform your poor guesses but I decided not to presume when faced with things that shouldn’t really exist. Especially when the thing in question might get annoyed and eat me.“So you’re working with humans now,” said May-May in a yappy voice that only reinforced my presumptions. “You trolls sure are hard
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 102. The Worm Turns
It’s not often you hear the phrase, “Oh shit, it’s the cavalry,” when people are coming to your rescue, but those were the words that sprang to my lips.“Stop!” screamed Jenny.They ran faster to be able to hear what she was saying. We both raised our hands and shouted again. “Stop!”They heard us this time and did as commanded. They came to a shuddering halt like we were playing a game of musical statues, limbs in unnatural poses as they wobbled trying to keep their balance.“What is it?” asked Maurice. “Quicksand?”We were standing on perfectly solid ground, not sinking from view, so I don’t know why that was his first thought. “It’s the jabberwock. It’s a giant worm that’s under us right now. I think it’s attracted to movement so try to keep as still as possible.”“How big is it?” asked Claire.“Enormous,” said Jenny. “It ate Keezy.”There was a murmur of surprise and disbelief.“Sounds like Shai-Hulud,” said Maurice kno
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 103. Heroes of Myth and Legend
The atmosphere was one of relief and jubilation. We had gone up against an indomitable foe and won. Or rather, they had.I considered their actions to be incredibly stupid, but there was no doubting their victory.As I watched them hug each other and laugh about being sucked into the mouth of a giant worm, they looked like heroes. Not the type with muscles and loincloths and big swords. More like the teacher who stands between her kids and a madman with a knife, even though she knows it’ll probably get her killed.Was this why we were brought to this world? So people like this could band together and save lives in the most ridiculous way possible? It wasn’t so far-fetched. The no-hopers who get their shit together and accomplish amazing things are often the heroes of a story, why not this one?They still weren’t a team you would call on to save the day unless you had absolutely no other choice, but if you told them what they needed to do, they’d be willing t
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 104. Dog Day Afternoons
It wasn’t all that surprising a beastman, even a very young one, would have greater natural affinity with beast magic than me. It was still annoying, though.“You’re not supposed to play with them, you’re supposed to eat them.”Attica thrust his whole head into the water and came up with a large red and green trout-looking fish in his jaws. He sat up on his knees with the fish held up like an offering for his master. A completely inappropriate thought since he wasn’t a dog, he was a person.The fish screamed and Attica dropped it, bounding away like it had bit him, rather than the other way round. I took my sword and stabbed the fish in the head.Attica looked at the fish warily.“It’s dead. Nothing to worry about.”“I know that,” said Attica a little snootily, probably to hide his embarrassment. “After death there is nothing to fear.”What was that? Some kind of saying? Bit morbid to teach a kid, but that’s life in the wild, I guess.
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 105. Man Vs Wild
The village was still being put together. I ran through the semi-erect structures being hammered and roped together, frantically searching for any signs of a small dog-like creature.I didn’t expect to see him, but I couldn’t help but check to make sure every time I spied a furball under three-foot.Within a few seconds of arriving, I ended up in the middle of the village where an assortment of creatures placed barrels on top of each other behind a large bar. They had to take down and put up this large drinking establishment daily — seemed a lot of unnecessary work. Where did they even put the barrels during the day?These and other questions didn’t bother me for once. I had other matters on my mind.“Have you seen Attica?” I asked the wolfgirl. She was behind the bar sorting out some cups and bowls.She gave me a dead-eyed glance that suggested she had better things to do and went back to stacking cups without saying anything.I took out my sw
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 106. Get Lucky
“Colin!” screamed Claire like she was delighted to see me. “We’re back!”“Sorry about leaving you like that,” said Maurice. “We didn’t think we’d be gone so—”“Yeah, they said it was only a day away, we thought we’d be back in no—”“Then they forced us to go to all these parties an—”“They made us these clothes too,” said Flossie, holding out her leather top from the hem. “Right bostin’ they are.”“We met the head guy, the Vizier,” said Maurice. “He was some kind of giant badger! He might have been a wolverine, but he didn’t have claws.”“They had cake!” said Flossie. “It were great.”“We tried to send a message,” cut in Claire, “but their post office is really strange.”“We got you this.” Flossie held out a cloak for me. I took it and put it under my arm.They were all talking over each other and coming at me so fast it was hard to take it all in.“We thought you could probably do with a few days without us,” said C
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 107. Enola Gay
Normally, you would expect the guy to steal a kiss from the girl, and the girl’s the one to slap him. When was my life ever normal?Of course, a man should never hit a woman. And he definitely shouldn’t hit a woman who’s carrying a dagger. Jenny didn’t reach for the blade at her waist, she just looked at me with surprise.I looked away and stared intently at the ground. I could have apologised and generally grovelled for her to forgive me, that would be the normal thing to do. I hadn’t hit her very hard, but that was hardly the point.Once I took responsibility, it would be game over. My position of moral superiority would be forfeit and I’d never be able to get it back.She was the one in the wrong. Yes, I overreacted and did something terrible, but that didn’t take away from what she did. Using the thing I was weakest against — affection — to manipulate me, to get me to do whatever she wanted, was reprehensible.Right?I did what anyone would
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
