2. The excited angel

I went home that day feeling like I lost something I never had. In reality, he was never actually mine, to begin with. I mean - yeah, he was physically with me every single day, but that was for work only. He never saw how he would tease me with his good looks and gentle attitude. I had slept with him countless times in my head, but it was all just in my mind. I thought, no – I was certain that I was in love with him.

I came to this town because my cousin Clarissa needed my support after she got divorced. Her husband cheated on her with his coworker just two months after their wedding. At the time, I had freshly finished college and was as free as a bird. I had no decided career path and had a bad relationship on my own which left me conflicted as far as my life was concerned. A new beginning and a close friend in the shape of my cousin was just what I needed. We kind of kept each other sane while doing crazy things. Every evening at bars and discos, hooking up with random men and just partying as young adults.

Clarissa was the perfect friend who was also a family member. She was always there to cheer me up, to help with something, to talk or just to party. I guess if I had to describe her in three words, I would say: fresh, wild, and friendly. She reminded me of an angel - kind, forgiving, and beautiful. Her blonde hair fell to the middle of her back, she was not tall at all and was very naive which made me feel like I was living with a child. Regardless, she was not a kid. If Clarissa liked a guy, she would make him dance with her, message him until the middle of the night and even make him fall for her, if that is what she wanted. Dirty little angel - three words that might describe her even better.

I started working at Michael's shop to earn a trivial income while throwing myself into parties and drinking. I used to be a serious student, less fun and a whole lot of studying. My boyfriend was planning to be a lawyer and was a serious nerd, but he had to transfer to another college located in another city. We fought for two years because he didn't trust me around other guys and because of his lack of time for me. In the end, I decided that I had had enough and ended both of our sufferings. I took my finals and accepted the offer to come live with Clarissa for a while.

I plopped down on the couch in the guest room, where I had been living for a year now, and started scrolling through my phone. I was disappointed by how things turned out and by Michael's lack of an explanation. Part of me wanted to message one of the random guys who I had met at the bar, I had a few numbers saved from some of the parties. I would go, drink one or two drinks at their expense and leave with them to have sex. Almost always, I would imagine Michael while doing it.

No, I shook my head. I didn't want a random guy right now. After what happened less than thirty minutes ago, I didn't feel like kissing anyone other than Michael. I tossed my phone to the other side of the couch and laid down on my back. Closing my eyes, his face was near mine again. He was looking at me with such desire, such passion! Why did he stop? I didn't understand. I would not quit over something I wanted to do. Didn't I make that obvious?

My mind traveled back to the moment when my hands were sliding over his warm skin under his shirt. I could feel his muscles and heightened breathing. I had been yearning for such a moment for so long, but I was not a girl who would ask a boy for his attention. I wasn't shy, I just want to be wanted. I hated putting myself out there for a guy like an offering. That was no fun for me. If he wanted me bad enough he would show me how he felt, then it would be worth it! Maybe I was being foolish, but that was the way I was. For me, the guy had to take the first step.

I turned around on my belly and buried my face in my hands with frustration. Was that where I was mistaken? Could things have been different had I shown Michael that I liked him maybe seven-eight months ago? There was no point in thinking it over. It was in the past, besides he was aware of my feelings now.

"I promise that I will not bother you like that again." His words pierced my heart. It was what I wanted, for him to "bother" me. I sighed and gave up for the night. I was tired and questioning what was going on in that pretty head of Michael's would not have led me anywhere. At least not today.

I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. A few minutes later a knock on the door startled me, as I was watching a romantic movie. It must have been Clarissa, there was no one else it could be. It was her house and usually at this time she would come to find me.

"Come in," I said without getting up from the couch. She swiftly came near me and sat down on the other side of the couch, crossing her legs. She had a wide smile on her face and her big brown eyes were sparkling. I knew her well enough to know something must have happened.

"You will not believe who I saw today!" She said. I didn't answer her excitement and her smile dropped. "What are you pouting about?"

I wasn't in the mood to share much, so I just told her, "Nothing new. I want someone and he doesn't care."

"Oh, so this stuff again! Aren't you over him already?" She rolled her eyes. I shook my head, pulling my bottom lip out. Clarissa smiled at my sad expression and added, "Why don't you do something about it then? There is no point in wondering. Come on. Call him!"

"Wh-what?" I mumbled, getting up to sit.

"Call him!" She repeated and started looking around us. "Where is your damn phone?"

"No, I am not calling him!" I disagreed, raising my voice a bit.

"Yes, you are! I've had enough of your pouting." She gave up searching for my phone momentarily. I was not helping her find it. "You can ask him to come with us tomorrow, and we could double date."

Her big smile returned and her eyes lit up again.

"What double date?" I asked, confused.

"That's what I came to tell you. Do you remember Ethan?"

I shook my head, "No," and she continued talking, "He is the cute boy, who lived two houses away. Remember? Blonde hair, tall? We used to ride bikes together when you were here for the summer."

A memory popped up. I barely remembered Clarissa having a crush over a boy when we were twelve.

"Yeah, I remember."

"He is back!" She yelled in excitement. "I saw him earlier when I came back home. He was passing by with his dog. OMG! It's so big! The dog I mean. Ethan is normal. I mean, he is tall. Oh! I can't wait to see him again. He is so grown up and so cute. Everything is in the right place, you know what I mean."

She giggled, wiggling her eyebrows and I couldn't help but laugh at her. She was so sweet and sometimes so naive. I loved her so much. Her good mood must be contagious because I was feeling slightly better.

"Anyway, we talked for at least twenty minutes on my lawn before I took control and asked him out. We, I mean you, me, Ethan and Michael are going out tomorrow night!" She ordered, clapping her hands.

"What?! No, there is no way I am calling him!" I yelled in panic. She couldn't convince me. Especially after my experience with him today. I would tell her everything, but not now. I was not in the mood to go over it.

My phone started ringing and I remembered where I left it. Sadly, Clarissa also found its location.

"Oh, there it is" She pointed, finding it under her butt on the couch. "It's your mom." She said and gave me my phone.

Happy to have it far from Clarissa's hands, I picked up and got up from the couch. My mom talked about her day for five minutes, and we exchanged "Good nights". We do that every day near bedtime. Not that we had that much to say, but we kept in touch and made sure that the other was doing alright.

Sometimes I would be at a bar when she would call and we would barely be able to hear each other, but she didn't mind it. She better not! I was not a child, she couldn't order me to stay away from such places or anything else actually.

"I will take a shower." I announced and left my phone on the table. Clarissa's blonde hair covered her face as she was grinning at something on her phone, not paying much attention to me. Good. I hoped she would forget about calling my boss. I closed the door after me and headed to the bathroom with an uneasy feeling in my stomach.