I HAVE THOUGHT long and deep enough that I want to cut ties with everything that's keeping us apart. Hindi ko na maatim ang makulong sa walang hanggang kalungkutan sa piling ng taong hindi ko naman mahal.Even when I was just a boy, I did what I was told. Iyan ang isiniksik ko sa kokote ko. I promised myself to become the most obedient son my mother could ever have. Naging sunod-sunuran ako at nawalan ng dila dahil sa mga salitang pinapakain nila sa utak ko.Simula noong inampon ako sa pamilyang nagpalaki sa akin, I strove hard to never cause something that's gonna disappoint them. Iniisip ko lagi na kapag nadismaya ko sila, kay Mama ang bawi ng mga kamalian ko.Ayaw ko ring mapahiya si Mama sa harap ng kanyang asawa. I didn't want them to fight again because of me. Dahil hindi pa rin mabura sa isipan ko ang gabing iyon. It had pinned me in the corner. That time I was still innocent and too paralyzed to even protect my mother.The night she brought me to her husband's mansion after my
FOR THIS LOVE… THIS RIGHT LOVE, we left what’s ours behind. For this furious love, we angered and shamed and disowned who dared to wreck it. For this passionate love, we kissed each of our flaws and embraced our vulnerability. And for this love… this irrevocable love, we vowed to stay, to hold onto this, like she is my air and I am her last breath. “We’ll live here for the meantime,” I told Shanta habang padaong kami ng barko. My right hand held her waist while my left hand carried our baggage. Inalalayan ko siyang bumaba ng yate hanggang sa makatapak kami sa puting buhangin ng isla. We just arrived last night from Manila. At nagpalipas muna kami ng gabi sa isang hotel dito sa Bohol. “Wait for me here,” bulong ko kay Shanta saka hinalikan siya sa gilid ng noo. “Baby, I’ll be back. For now, admire the view. We’ll mark every corner later.” Ramdam ko ang pagtingala niya sa akin. I looked down at her gorgeous face. Bakas ang gulat doon. I chuckled, then sniffed her blowing hair. Hindi
WHAT IS MY BABY DOING?” I asked Shanta, then went behind her. We just arrived from the village market at nadatnan ko siyang naghuhugas ng mga gulay. I kissed her neck while my arms surrounded her waist. Napagod akong magmaneho ng barko. Pakiramdam ko rin ay masakit ang ulo ko mula sa pagkakababad sa tirik na araw. It’s already two in the afternoon when I woke up. At dahil kakagising ko, kailangan ko ng halik niya. “Do you want help, Baby?” I asked again while sniffing her right shoulder. She doesn’t seem to be bothered, so I tightened my grip. Patuloy siya sa paghuhugas ng mga gulay. “What are you cooking for us, hmm? Kasing-sarap mo ba ‘yan?” “Baby…” She giggled when I licked her jaw. Napangisi ako dahil ang bango niya. Nakakabaliw. “Umupo ka na lang doon. You’re starting it again. Wala tayong maluluto nito kapag ganyan ka.” I chuckled. “But I’m full. Pinakain mo ‘ko kanina.” “Kagan!” suway niya at humagalpak ako ng tawa. “Alright, alright…” “Panoorin mo na lang ako.” Hin
NAGDAAN ANG MGA ARAW at hindi lumipas ang nga gabi na wala kaming ginagawang espesyal. At para sa araw na ito, it took me connections and a few days to make it happen. Ilang mga kaibigan ko sa akademiya ang pinakiusapan ko para maging matagumpay ang hapong ito. And as I held Shanta’s hand up the yacht, wala pa rin siyang ideya kung para saan ito. “May ginawa ka bang kasalanan sa akin kaya mo ginagawa ito?” She speculated with her beautiful eyes squinting. I chuckled as she roamed her eyes around the deck. “Is that what you think?” I asked scornfully. “Bakit? Bawal bang i-date ang magiging Misis ko?” “Malay ko ba kung may ginawa ka palang kasalanan sa akin at panakip-butas mo lang ito para hindi ko ‘yon malaman,” angil niya at mas natawa ako. Her back was facing me as she admired the turquoise blue sea ahead. Nagmistula itong larawang tatatak sa isip ko. I watched as the fresh wind blew Shanta’s lengthy, wavy hair. Parang imbes na iyon ang tangayin, ako ang natatangay sa taglay na
TILA SA NAGDAANG LINGGO, binalot ng kadiliman ang mundo ko. Nawala ang liwanag at kailanman, hindi na sumilay pa. Nakakalula. Nakakasakal. Sobrang sikip sa pakiramdam. Parang naglalakad ako sa isang kwebang walang katapusan. Umaasa akong aabot ako hanggang dulo. Bagsak na bagsak ang mga balikat ko. Hindi ako makahinga. Tila naglalakad ako milyon-milyong tinik at ang mga paa ko’y sugatan… duguan. Tila lumulubog ang katawan ko sa bigat ng tubig sa karagatan. Unti-unti, binababa ako nito sa aking katapusan. Ang mga kamay ko, nakataas, sinusubukang abutin ang liwanag. Mulat pa rin ang mga mata, nagbabalik-tanaw ako sa mga ngiti at labis na saya noong ipaglaban ko ang pag-ibig ko. Magaan sa loob, pinili ang puso, at pinairal ang pagmamahal. Nakahanda akong tanggapin ang katapusan ko, ngunit hindi sa paraang ganito. Hawak ko pa ang kamay niya. Galit na galit ako sa sarili ko... na nabitawan ko siya. Isang... isang malaking pagsisisi ang hindi ko siya nahawakan. Nang mas mahigpit pa sa kaya
KAGAN, ANAK, are you busy?” After a few months since Shanta’s death, my mother would always enter my room to check on me. At sa tuwing papasok siya, she would oftenly see me working on my office table in front of a laptop. At sa tuwing itatanong niya ang bagay na iyan, pare-pareho lang ang sagot ko. “Yes, I am,” I said, pushing my eyeglasses up to look at her. Ngunit maling tiningnan ko pa siya, because the way she smiled at me was something I wouldn’t agree upon. “What else do you need, Ma?” “Well…” She made those puppy eyes. Bumalik ako sa laptop because I wasn’t really interested. “Are you gonna encourage me again to give her a chance, huh?” “She’s outside, Anak. Why don’t you stand up there and welcome her?” Mama suggested, then walked towards me. Nang tumabi ay niyakap niya ang kanang braso ko. “Please, Kagan. Lagi ka na lang nasa harap ng laptop mo. Hindi ka na umaalis diyan. Come on… It’s time that you relax from work.” I rolled my eyes. There she goes again, stopping me t
IT TOOK two years to complete the building of my business empire. After partnering with different companies to invest in my transportation company, naging matagumpay din ang pagbuo ng mga sasakyan at ngayong araw, ilalabas ito sa merkado. And my company gets the attention it really deserves. Dahil sa pagbaba ko ng aking sasakyan, the hall was jam packed with reporters, paparazzis, and media personalities.The camera flashed and shuttered at my arrival. I fixed my coat, then wore my black shades. I smiled expensively. What’s good about this event is its organization. These media men have their designated places. Nasa gilid sila, which is alongside the red scaffoldings that leave a huge space for the red carpet. Isa-isa nila akong tinawag para sa litrato.I looked left, then removed my sunglasses. Sa pagharap ko ay sinalubong ako ng kislap ng mga kamara. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako titingin, that’s why my face appeared serious. When I was satisfied with them capturing my arrival, humara
BABE, ARE YOU READY?”I was putting around my necktie when Kachina appeared behind me in the mirror. She was leaning on the door with her elegant gold gown. Nagkatagpo ang mga titig namin. Itanggi ko man ay magsisisi ako kung hindi ko sasabihing maganda siya. Her make up was too much, but it blended well, so it looked quite majestic. Nginitian ko siya.Simula noong naipatayo ang bahay ko, dito na tumitira si Kachina. It’s a huge house with a rooftop. It’s not sensible to live in this wide space without a company. And so I decided to offer a house for her. Noong una ay tumanggi siya. Ngunit hindi naglaon ay pumayag at tumira kasama ko. She didn’t even have a choice because their mansion was a collateral for all their debts. Two years ago, their company was declared bankrupt by the government.Although I was mad at her for playing a huge role in my past relationship’s separation, I saw how she regretted it. Linggo-linggo, nakikita ko siya sa isla kung saan hinagis ang abo ng pinsan niya
BADTRIP. Nababadtrip ako kay Avancea. Bakit hindi na lang siya lumayas sa mamanahin kong mansyon? Bakit kailangan pa niyang makipag siksikan sa pamilya namin? Bakit napaka s****p niya simula bata pa kami? Our family would have been better, stronger, if she and her leech mother Amadena hadn’t appeared in our life. Pero may magagawa ba ako sa desisyon ng Papa ko? Meron. But, bullshit, not on this matter. He won’t let me, her genius daughter, dictate his heart. Not even Kuya Dallas who’s vocally against it but is silent when the two leeches are present. Wala rin naman kaming maaasahan kay Mama kasi iniwan niya kami kay Papa at sumama sa lalaki niya. To make matters worse, nagkaroon pa sila ng anak. But all of my mother’s desires faded when she lost everything she fought for. One, her partner who I never met. Second, her son, my step brother. And third, kami ng orihinal na pamilya niya. But serious matters aside, bwisit na bwisit na ako kay Avancea. Sinumbong niya ako tungkol sa pambubu
WHAT’S THAT?” I asked Shanta the moment she entered our bedroom with a book in her hand. Nilapitan ko siya at hinawakan ang bewang niya saka hinalikan siya sa balikat. “Saan pumunta ang Baby Love ko? Hmm?” “Hulaan mo…” biro niya saka kumapit sa bewang ko bago nangunang naglakad. I grinned, then walked with her with my right arm clinging onto her shoulder. Sinilip ko ang librong hinahawakan niya at naintriga ako. “You don’t recognize this, do you?” tanong niya. “Where did you find that?” Shanta looked up at me. “It doesn’t matter. I found it and I fixed everything back.” Binalik niya ang tingin sa libro… o ang manuskritong sinulat ko… at naupo sa dulo ng kama. I also sat beside her with my eyes pinned on her glowing face. “I have been curious about this lately, alam mo ba ‘yon…” kwento niya at sinimulang buklatin ang libro. “Punit-punit ‘to noong nahanap ko kaya nagpabili ako kay Benida ng scotch tape. She helped me put back every page.” Then, she looked at me teasingly. “Ako p
I SMILED at the guests who greeted me and Shanta as we walked on the red carpeted aisle. Hindi ganoon karami ang mga bisita. Nabibilang lang sa mga daliri ang mga tao sa mesa. I recognized almost all of them. Masaya ako at dinaluhan nila kami para sa gabing ito.Shanta and the Six Packs, which included me, sat down at a very special seat near the mini stage. Pabilog ang mesa at pitong upuan ang naroon para sa isa sa amin. Naunang umupo ang mga kaibigan ko. Lachlan and Katlego sat beside each other. Ganoon din si Euart at Jirario. Clavis, however, chose to sit next to her cousin. Samantala ako, pinagitnaan nina Shanta at Jirario. I pulled my Baby’s golden chair before she took her seat. “Musta ka na?” tanong ko kay Jira nang hayaan ko si Shanta na kausapin ang pinsan niya. I smiled at my cousin when I looked at him. It’s been a long time and we have been very busy with our own lives, so it’s nice if we catch up. “Kumusta ka naman at ng inaanak ko? Damn… I can’t believe you’re a family
ISANG BUWAN na ang nakalipas at unti-unti nang humuhupa ang kaguluhan sa Manila. Tito Kadam is already jailed in the New Bilibid Prison while his case is set for an appeal by his lawyers. While Coolidge Mental Care remained a crime scene, the patients were transferred to a safer and better facility. They will be sent back once the investigation is done and once the mental care has found its new owner. Sa ngayon, we’re trying to fix all the casualties, lalo na sa pagpapagamot ng mga pasyente. After all, Shanta and I both experienced a life inside the mental hospital. Nais naming tumulong. “Sir, Ma’am, nandyan na po ang mga bisita,” pagpapaalam ng kasambahay noong pumasok ito sa kwarto ko. “Susunod na kami. Thank you,” I said. And after telling me some more notice, the househelp left the room. Naiwan kami ni Shanta sa harap ng salamin habang inaayos niya ang necktie ko. Two days ago, we left Bohol for our business here in the Metro. Naisip naming ligtas nang tumira sa bahay ko… na
I DON’T KNOW when was the last time that I was energized to wake up. I remembered waking up with a huge weight in my head and I felt so exhausted at the start of the day, that ending it would mean fatigue for a week. But while my eyes remain closed, my mind is already awake. And I could feel Shanta’s small body still embracing me. Napangiti ako. Dahil diyan, bahagyang isinubsob ko ang aking ilong sa buhok niya. Walang pagbabago. Her hair’s scent is still the same lavender with fresh milk. I sniffed like drugs and kissed her forehead and tightened my embrace because I am never gonna lose her again. This moment could’ve happened two years ago if the incident didn’t happen. We could’ve been living on one roof with our two kids that are one-year-old apart, and we’re still making the third one. But even though we’re two years late, this… the night that I woke up beside her is what matters most. This will keep me from waking up and start my day blissfully. Aaraw-arawin ko ito, and the d
THE NEXT DAY, Shanta and I traveled back to Panglao Island, Bohol to stay in her mansion for the meantime while things subside. Hindi sana doon. It could have been my house, but almost everyone knows about it, so definitely, the place is not safe for us. We decided to take a break after the national newscast reported across the country. It was stressful and… chaotic. Ilang media na rin ang sumubok na kuhanan kami ng panayam, but Shanta, although ready to speak up, is not allowed to give herself another stress. I didn’t permit it because she needed rest after trespassing in Kachina's house. Makita-kita ko pang may benda siya sa noo kaya mas lalong hindi ako pumayag. She got it from her cousin who broke a vase on her head. And even though I wanted to make that woman pay, I didn’t want reporters to exploit my Baby’s condition and people to make a feast out of it. Kahit na kami ang nasa tama at ang biktima, hindi ko ginawa. The right people would see it, especially the court. And I wou
I GRINNED AT my reflection in the mirror surface. Our plan is working and just a little more time, this chaos they started would end. I then reached for the clean towel beside my laundry, then wiped my face. This is the only place where I can be myself besides being in Shanta’s arms. No nurse to watch over my every move. No Kachina to observe me and ask leading questions. Just me and myself, staring at each other. After I wiped my face, I spent my fifteen minutes taking a bath. Hindi man ako komportable sa klase ng banyo na meron sila dito, sinubukan kong hindi madiri. Well, I have lived an ordinary life before with a small toilet and a hand pump. I’d be immune to this, I guess. Pero sana… sana hindi magtagal ang pamamalagi ko dito. I can’t take the owner of this place. Pagkatapos kong maligo, I changed into a more comfy clothing. I didn’t wear my usual asylum gown. I don’t need it anyway because I am done with my mission. This is the day I am finally leaving this hell. Besides, nas
KAGE, DELIKADO ‘yang plano mo…” pagtutol ni Shanta. Nakaupo siya sa kabisera ng lamesa ng kanyang opisina sa mansion. “I’m not liking it. Masyadong mapanganib at… nagmumukha tayong mas masama kaysa sa kanila. Ayaw ko ng ganoon. We’re stooping down to their level… and as you said, violence should never be a choice. So, this one… It’s a no for me.” I bit my lower lip because she has a point. Well, it’s obvious that my ultimate plan is too risky… and brutal. Katabi ni Shanta si Benida, na nakaupo sa kanyang kanan. They were both looking at me with a hint of hesitation in their faces. Bahagya akong nakaramdam ng pagkapahiya. Shanta is right. We’re no different from the people who attempted to kill us. Tulad ni Tito Kadam, I am resorting to violence to get what I want. But this is the only way we could penetrate the Coolidge Mental Care. Kung totoo man, naroon ang mga karagdagang ebidensya para magiit ang tatay ni Kachina. Dahil hindi lang niya kami tinangkang patayin, he was even the ma
Kagan’s POV AYAN, KAGAN…” The psychiatric nurse said in utter softness after I obediently drank the medicine she prepared for me. “You are doing well these days and Doc Kachina must be so proud of you. Let’s just wait for her, okay? It’s past ten and she’s not yet here. But don’t worry. Papasok iyon.” I nodded and grinned just a little bit to make her believe Kachina is my calming pill, even when I don’t care whether she comes to work today or not. I then looked away and stared at the barred window the mental care had just built for me. Kung alam lang ng nars, I lost interest in her doctor the night she’s involved in ruining my life. Makalipas ng ilang sandali, narinig ko ang nars sa gilid ko, nagpapaalam para sa susunod na pasyente niya. I didn’t respond or what, then the door creaked open. Mabilis akong tumingin sa kanya, at nang makitang hindi siya nakalingon, I swiftly barfed the medicine I didn’t swallow and the bitter thing fell on my palm. I clenched my fist as soon as I fel