Chapter 14

I had woken up early that morning. Some unseen clock hand ticked past my head at a youthful hour, and without warning I was wide awake, blinking away the sand.

I looked around to the windows of our bunk room. I still wasn’t entirely sure whether they opened onto the grounds of the Estate, or to some self-contained courtyard within its dimensions. Dornell would probably know. Either way, judging from the lighting filtering through it was just barely approaching dawn. Sleep had eluded me much of the night, as it often did these days. My shoulders creaked and I cursed under my breath as I swung my legs over the edge of my bunk, hoping not to wake Dornell. Half-hoping.

I changed straight from my pajamas into my daywear. I felt in need of a nice hot bath, but also doubted I’d find the motivation to take one this morning anyway.

‘You’ll feel much better if you did’ said a voice in the back of my mind. I studiously ignored it.

I slipped into my thick-soled dancing socks, and began wandering through the room. All of my peers were still fast asleep, though several grunted and tossed occasionally; I wondered how many of them slept fitfully, as I did. Likely all.

My temperature rose as I walked past Elodie’s bed, seeing her form silhouetted beneath her silvery sheets. I forced myself to look away. ‘This isn’t your task right now’ said my brain, correctly. More than five years of living in the same room together had done little for the desire I felt whenever I looked at her. More accurately, I had merely grown around those desires, accepting them into my normality while our days passed in and out.

I wouldn’t take a single day back if I could; nor would I wish that things had been different between us, like ordinary folk growing up together and festering unrequited crushes. I was too young for her, certainly – but that didn’t stop me from loving her from afar. I felt grateful that our paths continued to cross as intimately as they did.

A guilt crept into me, then, as I realized that she deserved much better than being stuck in a whorehouse with one awkward, pack-reliant devil of a teen.

If our situations one day changed, and she might look upon me differently, then on that day I might just become the happiest man who has ever lived. But whether or not that day ever came depended entirely upon us getting the hell out of here.

I shivered, as I often did when the reality of our situation found me again. Clutching my hands tightly to my sides in a half-hearted embrace, I scurried quickly to the door of the room, opened it, and slipped quietly out into the hallway.

I moved along the short passage which connected us to the Hall. Sounds of steam and the distant clattering of objects drifted at me from various directions, no doubt coming from other rooms, or even other floors. The Estate never really slept; but I noticed today that in these early morning hours it could actually be quite peaceful, so long as one wasn’t in anybody’s way. It reminded me of what a city might sound like with all its bustling traffic. I hoped I’d ever get the chance to see one.

Mannerly hall shone this morning, lustrous. I went straight for a seated area at a foot of the nearest column, and as I did so, I noticed something out of place; maiden Threwon sat at one of the tables, looking utterly exhausted. In her hand there looked to be a steaming drink of some kind, perhaps one of the spiced rums I knew a lot of the maidens favored.

Maybe she wasn’t out of place at all. For all I knew, Threwon made this her morning routine; I was certainly never around to see it. My heart rate quickened when I realized that this could be the perfect opportunity I’d been searching for, and it was brought about purely through my own good fortune. Well, if one could consider nightmares to be fortunate.

She sat motionless. I stared at her, noticing how her face remained fixed upon the warm cup of liquid. I crept quietly from the passage and out onto the floor of the Hall, hoping not to startle her, but not really hoping she would notice me, either.

Neither of those things happened. I approached, well within her periphery, until I stood practically in front of Threwon, staring down at her.

She didn’t seem to notice me. She didn’t seem to be aware of anything. I took a big swallow of air and slid cautiously onto the elongated seat right beside her. Our sleeves nearly touched. From this angle her face was mostly hidden by her hair, which, I only now noticed, had begun garying along its edges.

Feeling anxious for something to happen, I sighed pleasantly and leaned back against the rest, watching her nervously. Nothing happened. So I coughed once lightly; and then  again, a little louder this time, when she continued to not react.

Threwon’s head turned slowly to stare at me from the corner of one eye. Gods, she looked haunted. Her face was sagging like an old cloth sack placed loosely upon the bones, and her eyes were gaunt. I felt that stab of pity again before reigning it in; nobody – I didn’t care who – could be having a good day with that sort of look about them.

After a moment of staring, Threwon’s brows furrowed in the slightest hint of displeasure. “Veille. What are you doing up at this hour? It’s early, get back to bed.”

The fact that she called me by my first name without any honorifics surprised me, as I couldn’t remember her ever doing so before with anyone. Feeling hopeful, I responded, “yes, Lady. I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d come out here early. The Hall puts me in a good state of mind, you see.”

She frowned slightly, suspicious. Then she turned back to her drink, and murmured “just don’t make this a habit.”

Inwardly, I sighed with relief. We sat together in contemplative – well, contemplative for me, at the very least – silence, during which the aroma of her drink began to make my stomach rumble. She hadn’t yet taken a sip, I noticed; I found myself wondering if it actually tasted nothing like it smelled, or if she had simply forgotten all about it.

I decided to yawn, politely. “Are you always up at these hours, Lady?”

Threwon grunted. Seeming to notice her cup for the first time, she raised it to her lips and took a swallow. “I am awake when the Mistress requires me to be. It is my job as your educator to be up and ready.”

“And does she, err, often require you to be up before dawn? Lady.”

She turned to look at me again. Behind her eyes, I could see that some sort of internal struggle was taking place. One side or another must’ve eventually won out, because she said with a resigned voice, “you are not the only one who has trouble sleeping lately, Mr. Veille.”

I swallowed. “You know that I’ve had trouble sleeping? Not just today?”

For the first time in ages, the hint of a smile crept into her face. “I am your mentor. I know everything that goes with you children.”

Everything?

Panic stuck briefly at my heart, but I evaded most of it. If Threwon knew about our plan to escape, then she clearly wasn’t revealing any secrets. It looked that way, anyway.

I fiddled with my clothing. “Yes Lady. As you say, we’ve all had difficulty sleeping of late. The… nightmares… make it challenging.”

I waited, hoping she would bite. Threwon took another sip of her drink and sat there, quietly. I again couldn’t see her expression; I hoped it was something that I could work with.

Worst-case, she might use this knowledge to impose further restrictions upon us out of concern for our health. She might even demand to know what was causing these nightmares – which of course was my intention anyway, but I would much rather she come at it from a place of curiosity, not from the obligations of a “mentor”. The first left me room to confide in her; the second was just like any other task we were assigned.

After a minute, she sighed, then surprised me by saying “do these nightmares have anything to do with what you’ll be doing for the rest of your lives?”

I blinked, shocked. My brain raced for a moment before getting a grip on itself. Whatever I said now could be vitally important. “... For myself, Lady, yes, they often are. I can’t speak for the others. But I know that they worry, also.”

She nodded matter-of-factly. “Yes, that’s understandable. It must’ve come as quite a shock to you when the truth came out the way it did. Mind you, it was supposed to be brought up more delicately, so it will surely not be as bad as your young minds are fearing.”

I bit my lip, saying nothing, not trusting myself to respond to that. Her words were phrased as reassurance – but what reassurance could one even offer to us? What could be said after it was revealed that only the worst kind of servitude awaited us?

I even considered briefly that she may be right, that the situation at the performance had indeed gotten out of hand; that perhaps we were not meant to be promised to these lechers in such a way, and that maybe our actual clients would be far less… disgusting. Terrifying. But while my heart suddenly ached for that to be the case, I knew it wasn’t true.

Whatever maiden Threwon was attempting to sell me on, and indeed, herself as well, was only there to serve as a curtain between us and a truth that was too terrible to reconcile. And in that moment, I began to grow angry at her. Furious. It wasn’t fair that our own mentor – one who had sat beside us for many years now, who had known what it was she was helping to raise us for – should get to sit here in a semi-sleepless stupor, pretending that none of this was real, because nothing worse was going to happen to her than a little bit of well-deserved guilt.

And in that moment out of anger, I did something I really shouldn’t have.

I told her the truth.