GOD 02

For the past ten years, I was able to conceal my ability. Nakisabay ako sa agos ng tao papuntang terminal. I am now in the last year being a Senior high student, wearing my above-the-knee mint blue skirt and blouse with the School's logo, I sat on the space in the jeepney.

Schools are not fun for me though. Pareho pa rin ang tingin ng ibang tao sa akin, well just lucky enough that Auntie can no longer shout at me. I tried to distance myself from people. They are all the same, with eyes coated in judgment, some would hate me for no particular reason, others would envy me. Ano nalang pag malaman nila ang sekreto kong nakatago? I bet, they would throw eggs at me, or worse than that.

Kaunti palang ang estudyante na nasa terminal kaya naman ay nag-aantay pa ang driver na mapuno ang upuan. I still look fresh anyway. My gaze went outside, avoiding people's eyes.

"I heard Yael will be our classmate. I heard he's the new student from Mitwres High. Oh my gosh! Excited na 'ko, tatabihan ko siya mamaya" the girl beside me talked to her friend na parang walang katabi at todo kwento animo'y walang ibang katabi. Nakalaklak ata ng iang gallon ng mouth booster.

The driver started the engine. Hindi gaanong puno ang jeep, mas mabuti na iyon para naman hindi ako maipit. I silently wish that the ride will be fast. Ayaw kong mainip at mas matagal na makatabi ang dalawang babaene 'to.

The two girls still blabbered some nonsense with a microphone in their mouths. Goodness, these people are so irritating, they don't even consider the people around them, buti sana kung hindi nakakarindi ang kanilang boses. At least have some respect sa mga katabi mo at hindi linalakihan ang bunganga kaka-kuwento. I mean it's fine to talk in public, still have the conscience to respect the people around you. Where's the small decency of consideration? Nakakabulabog pa naman ang ganun.

"Sayang hindi ko siya classmate, matagal na 'kong nagpapapansin pero ayon walang effect at parang invisible lang ako" she joked and laugh.

"Kaya nga chance ko na to! I'll make him fall in love with me" she said with a certain assurance. She's crazy! Heck! these girls are scaring me. Kinikilabotan ako bawat salitang lumalabbas sa bibig nila. For pity's sake!

I mentally rolled my eyes. These girls stoop too low, gross. Ladies should never be like that. One of the reasons why there's only a few prim and proper lady nowadays. Ngayon ay masyado nang bulgar at sila pa mismo ang nag fi-first move. That's cool, I guess but not too much that women will be the ones to chase men. The right love will come and find you, wait for it, don't hurry.

"Hep Hep! Mga miss akin si Yael, Nakalista na kay kupido na kami ang para sa isa't isa" seriously? She sounds so desperate but I can mentally see her mouth twitching towards the two girls. She has the guts of spitting nonsense with nonsense.

I cheered for her, mentally. Not some Aubrey Hepburn's vibes but I like this girl's guts. Napatahimik niya ang dalawa.

"Pwee akala mo naman magugustuhan siya ni Yael" one whispered with bitter tone. I smirked.

"kaya nga, di naman kagandahan" I laugh at the back of my head.

Hayst. One of the thing girls would say when they're insecure.

I was silent for the whole ride. Nakatungo sa labas, at lumilipad ang isipan. The cloud's fluffiness makes me wanna hug it. I breath and relax for a bit.

The sun's ray kissed my face, while the wind whispered in my ears. A Nostalgic feeling. Suddenly, a flashed of bitter memories came back. Astra, I hope you’re in peace. Please, continue on watching me. I remembered she made me laugh and smile when no one was around. Eleven years, faking smile and continuing to live, sucks. There is no particular reason why I'm still here chasing and living a life hard to live.

That light, when will I hold it?

"Miss bayad mo daw" I was shocked when a hand tapped my shoulder that I accidently raised my head and met her eyes.

Shit! I bit my lip and nodded. I spaced out that i didn't even notice na nasa School's parking lot na kami.

Tahimik ang kapaligiran, trees sway and dance to the rhythm of the wind.

Inabot ko ang bayad sa konduktor at dali daling bumaba. Inalog ko ang aking ulo. Nanginginig ang aking tuhod at kamay. God please, not again. I remember it all, again. Like a mind in tug of war, the other side fall into the ground and faces its consequences. I am back again, like the child, I was long ago. Is this the consequence I'll face for always running away with it?

I walk fast, maraming napapatingin sa'kin but I didn't waste my time to be affected with their gazes. Medyo malapit lapit lang ang school building namin sa gate kay naman ay mas madali akong makaabot sa classroom.

Pag pasok ko ay kaunti palang ang estudyante. Ugh! How I hate school, academics and brainy stuff. I'm not close with them, at hindi ko na rin gugutuhin pa.

7:30 ang start ng klase and mostly teacher’s pet and the scholars ang unang dumadating, animo'y di natutulog sa kanilang bahay. For sure some students will be late in the past first day palang ng klase.

I went to the back, near the window. Nilapag ko ang bag ko at kinuha ang earphones para magpatugtog. Maaga pa naman kaya iidlip muna ako. I push the memories back and tried my hardest to forget what I've seen earlier. I shouldn't cross my path with her again. She should remain as a passing memory, blank and forgotten. Natatakot ako sa nakita, hindi para sa kanya kundi sa sarili ko mismo.

Ayaw kong maalala, ayaw kong maging gan'on nanaman. Pagod na akong maging kakaiba at patuloy na tumatakbo. I want to face it, yet fear overpowers all. Fear kills me without even trying.

I rest my head on the table and used my arm to cover my face.

The time when Papa throw me out, I became homeless for a few days. Luckily, an old man saw me and took pity on my situation so he legally adopts me. My surname was, of course, changed. He was the one who extended his hand to reach for mine. The one who held me, when I was very weak. I do believe that it's just a moment when somebody will be reached for you.

Hanggang ngayon patuloy ko pa ring hinahanap ang liwanag. I want to chase it again, kahit ilang beses pa ako mapagod. Maybe, that light will lead me to my right destination. I'll risk it all and chase for the light longed taken from me.

I will lay it all, for the light maybe my happiness.

I am now a Morana heiress.

I have never told my story to Don Raphael Morana yet, he accepted me.

All I heard from him the moment I stepped into his mansion was 'your past doesn't matter anymore, accept yourself and learn from it. Cause it will make you brave enough to face your future. His words struck my head and were forever engraved in them. Sa loob ng mansiyon niya ay itinuring akong prinsesa, all the things I want and doesn't want are given, played and offered. I should be happy by that, pero iba pa rin ang tunay na kasiyahan. Living life with a silver spoon in my mouth never did once gave me the glint of spark to be happy.

He did try pouring his love to me as his child, but it was different. I appreciated that, still I could see that some of the maids of the house would distance themselves at me. Okay, lang, it's a matter of bearing it.

I don't want to be thrown out again and feel back the same pain and suffering so I will keep my secret locked. I will never oppose Death, even if it makes me guilty. Death is not my opponent, I should never turn my back against him.

I feel guilty and sorry for Astra. I wonder if she loath me, like how her family throws shades at me.

After her death, I couldn't be happy, I was stuck in a world of sorrow and loneliness. The world where my darkest enemy killed me thousands of times, making me remember all the pain and suffering. I have no passion like other people, I am like a statue, stiff and can't move.

I raised my head when I feel someone poking my head.

The same eyes were in front of me and I am now taking a glimpse of her death, again.

My mouth dried. I was speechless. I lost all the words again. It tied our path.

She was smiling from ear to ear.

"Oii ikaw ha, classmate pala tayo pero iniwan moko kanina, di ka rin nag thank you" she pouted like a little girl.

Hindi ko makapa ang sasabihin. Nanatili akong nakatingin, paulit ulit ang pinapahiwatig ng mata niya. Her eyes were full of hope, but when you look deep, she's crying, patuloy na sumisiigaw at pinapatay ni kamatayan.

"T-thank you" then I look away. My body became cold and stiff, unable to move.

She sat beside me, and plug her earphones. I thought mag s-sound trip siya mag isa but she put the left earpiece in my ear, it made my body jump in shock.

Nagulat siya pero kalaunan ay ngumiti. She closed her eyes and hummed sweetly.

The music was Moment of truth by FM static. Unti unti ay nakakaginhawa na 'ko. I feel quite relax a bit but still uncomfortable. I look at her silently. She's like Sleeping Beauty, maganda at nakakaakit. I wonder if it will be just a kiss to lift her curse of dying in a deep sleep.

I listened to the music well. Sinabayan ko ito ng paggalaw ng daliri. I close my eyes and battled with my inner self.

I am like a statue, when it's too old, its coating fall, and the real one shows.

Will I stay silent? Maybe, just once I can oppose death.

I can move, I will move on my own will, I'll try.

One more time, I stared at her and smiled a little.

Hmm.

I think it’s time for me to face Death.