Second chances

“Even now that I see how much of a mistake, I made to have switched off my feelings because I feared losing him, I realize the mistake that I made and would want to make up for it. He never lets me, no matter how much I try, what I say or the gestures I make. Even the universe is against my attempt to make it right because it keeps getting in the way and every opportunity, it keeps slipping away from me. Maybe, it’s too late, maybe I had truly lost him even before I lost him. Maybe, I was never meant to be a father. Liam would have done a better job and he would be so disappointed in me. I ruined it, because I am a coward who can’t bear to be in pain anymore. I ruined it because I am a coward. And I fear that I won’t get it back. Is there even a need? I can just carry on being this person my son remembers. I can just allow him see me as he had always done and keep carrying on this act of a hateful father. It’s no longer complicated and the guilt won’t be as taunting if I take my act a