Chapter 4.1 - Valentina

"Happy birthday!" I say, hugging her from behind once I find her.

She's excited to see me so we step away from the crowd to talk more privately. I hand her the gift bag and she happily takes out what I put in there. There are three books, all of them mentioned by her in the past few months, one of them being a book for our joint course in Business Psychology, which is hard to find.

"You're the best, oh my GOD!" she exclaims, hugging me again. Out of the corner of my eye I see Matteo looking at me while talking to Vinnie, and my instinct tells me he might be asking Vinnie about me.

I've seen him around campus a couple of time since I started my first year, and after every time I forget that he exists it seems as though everyone around me knows him personally, has some history with him, or at least knows of him. I don't know exactly what's weird about it but I'm usually very aware of my surroundings and he's somehow managed to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

It's weird.

I haven't used the cocaine in my bra yet because my body feels exhausted even though my brain wants to have fun, and after two RedBulls back-to-back during the first hour, it's time to give my heart a break.

When it gets close to midnight, I start feeling as if the alcohol doesn't taste as good anymore and that it's becoming more of a chore rather than something I want to do, so I decide it's time. Isabella and the boys had started hours ago, and I wasn't on their level, even though I wanted to be. My body just wasn't cooperating.

In the bathroom stall, I use my phone and a bill as both credit card, trying to be as quick as possible. I hear two girls come in and talk drunkenly about some guy at their table who apparently is making a move on both, so I wait for them to leave before I can do my line in piece.

After I make sure there's no residue on my nose, I grab my clutch from the sink and walk out. As soon as I step back into the hallway, I see Matteo and Vinnie at the end of it, hissing at each other in Italian as they try to get a door open.

To do what I just did, obviously, I think, smiling. "Everything all right boys?"

"You want to come with?" Vinnie asks, switching from distressed Italian to happy English/American.

I look at Matteo, who's still struggling to get the door open because he has trouble focusing, which I find very amusing. "Sure."

The room looks cleaner than last time I was here to set up for Halloween with Isabella, and the frame of the picture with the landscape has come off, revealing a vault inside the wall.

"We're having a meeting." Vinnie jokingly says.

"I had one as well." I tell him.

Matteo opens a drawer behind the desk, starting what appears to be a comfortable routine. I place my hands on the large desk to shift my weight from my heels to my arms.

"So where's your boyfriend?" Vinnie asks, stepping closer to me and pointing to the bracelet. It confuses me for a moment and but then I get it. "Oh, I'm not with anyone." "You know red means taken, right?" Matteo asks.

I look down at my bracelet for a second, then back up at him. "Yes? But I also know that I look better in red than I do in green."

Matteo looks at me, trying to look annoyed.

I think about asking Vinnie about his girlfriend, but we've never once talked about her. I do know, however, that she's here, because I think I saw her at the bar at some point.

"Can you text him?" Vinnie asks Matteo, who pulls out his phone, this time looking like he's actually annoyed.

We both watch the whole process of him texting someone, getting a reply within seconds, and then looking up at us.

"Yes, he's on the way. But we've got enough here as it is."

Five minutes later, after we did the lines and started talking about one of our joint courses at college, someone knocks at the door and Vinnie goes to open it. It's Aleksi.

He's dressed in the same clothes I saw him in last time, but this time he has a black bum bag. "Hello again." He says, shooting all of us a shy smile.

The scene is all too familiar to what happened this summer at that villa in Taormina. Aleksi taking out stuff from his bag, Matteo handing over some cash from the desk, Vinnie smiling as he watches it all go down while I just stand there, extremely aware of the fact that my body is going into power mode.

I feel that warm rush through my body that suddenly makes me feel like everything is possible and try to fight the urge to go out and dance, because I can feel the beat pounding through the walls of this room even though it's obviously supposed to be soundproof.

"I'm going to dance." I announce no one in particular before I shift my weight back to my feet. Then I turn around and walk up to the door, finding it locked.

Vinnie steps towards me to try and help me but I brush it off, unlocking it myself in one swift motion and then leaving the room. I find Isabella and Raisa at our table, dancing and yelling at each other over the music, so I make myself a glass before I tell them we should go into the crowd because the energy is better.

We dance for what feels like hours and every song fits the mood perfectly, raising us even higher into joy and bliss. The boys from our table join us on the dancefloor at some point and I even dance with Vinnie and Marco for a bit until Matteo materializes in front of us and nods towards the VIP area.

The three of us nod, following him without even speaking. He doesn't go to the staff room this time though; instead, he opens the door across from the staff room, which is a pantry (sort of) where the spare alcohol is kept.

The four of us make the space looked cramped, but the light is good, and Matteo is already spreading out the cocaine on his phone screen.

"Sophia's here." Vinnie tells the room.

Right, his girlfriend.

"And?" Marco asks.

"She told me she still loves me this afternoon at Starbucks." He continues. He looks like he has trouble processing his thoughts due to the mix of cocaine and alcohol in his system.

Matteo groans, rolling his eyes. "Please, she tells you that every time you're about to get over her. She knows she's not going to find anyone better than you, but she still wants to have fun with other guys while you stay loyal to her. It's toxic."

I don't even know any of the situation, but I feel like he might be right.

"Yes, you didn't even hook up with Ariana even though she was definitely flirting with you this summer because you felt bad for Sophia. And now she's studying in England." Marco adds.

"But I can't...not talk to her, I want her."

The boys groan and Vinnie shoots me a helpless look.

"I mean...I don't know the situation, but I don't think you want her, I think you just need the comfort that comes with having her."

This is a lesson I learned while dating Jamie on-and-off through boarding school: he was the first guy who ever paid me attention really, who even showed the slightest interest in being with me and wanting to get to know me. Plus, he was more experienced than I was (I was a virgin when we met) so the sex just became better and more comfortable. I knew what he liked and didn't like. He knew what I liked and what I didn't like. It worked.

At some point in the middle it stopped working for a reason unbeknownst to me at the time, so I assumed he was hooking up with some of the girls at our school. Every time I suspected he'd done something because I felt it, he called me crazy. It spiraled from there, and half a year ago, when one of the girls he was talking to came forward and gave me receipts, I broke it off. I realized that I spent the last two years with a guy who I knew wasn't for me just because I liked and needed the comfort of having him around. I saw all the red flags spread throughout the years but I decided to ignore them, for the sake of our peace and because it was all I've known in terms of romantic relationships.

Of course he wept and cried and everything in-between when I told him, asked to take him back and promised he'd do better, but it was too late. I'd detached from him emotionally two months before I finally got an excuse to break up with him. I had been loyal to him and he was lying to my face, so when broke and finally realized that I deserved better, I got the courage to break it off. It was just my luck that it happened right before I left for Sicily this summer, because I focused on myself and healed wounds I wasn't even aware of.

"There's no comfort...I love her. I wish I didn't." Vinnie reasons, bringing me back to reality.

"I get the feeling you like the drama she brings with her because you also like to be toxic." I tell him, crossing my arms and looking at him questioningly.

"I like this girl." Matteo says, pointing at me and smirking. I shoot him a smile which lets him know that I'm aware and that we both basically told Vinnie the same thing.

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