Chapter 1: Devyn

            Starting over was hard to do. As much as I would have loved to have stayed in Arlington, Virginia, but the lifestyle I was once afforded by being a colonel’s wife could no longer be supported by my income alone. Sterling, my husband, was the love of my life. He was everything a woman could have hoped for in a man. He was kind, smart, and a terrific provider for me and our five kids. I was content with the life we had built with each other, but life had other plans for us.

            I still remember the day the soldiers came to my door. I had just gotten off of the phone with my mother. I was telling her about the new designs for my dream house Sterling was having built for me. After fifteen years of serving his country, he had finally taken a permanent post at the Pentagon. It was time for us to put down roots, and I couldn’t have been more excited. I would have followed Sterling to the end of the earth, but moving five kids every six to twelve months was a lot. When I heard the knock at the door, I figured it was my interior designer, Janine, coming to drop off paint and countertop samples. When I opened the door and saw the uniforms, I knew what that meant. They told me that Sterling had been killed during a routine training exercise while on tour in Afghanistan.

            After Sterling’s death, it took almost six months for me to get out of the haze I operated in. I missed him. I had taken to sleeping on his side of the bed just to feel closer to him. My mother begged me to come home to Louisiana, but I didn’t want to move the kids in the middle of the school year. Plus, I worked as an African-American Literature professor at Howard University, and I could not leave my students in the middle of the semester. I promised her that once the school year ended, and I had wrapped up my loose ends, we would make the sixteen-hour drive back home to New Orleans.

            “Mommy, can we please stop? I have to pee,” Carsen, my five-year-old daughter, asked from the middle row of my Suburban.

            “Sweetie, can you hold it for a few more minutes? We are almost to our stop,” I asked, looking in the rearview mirror. I could see the disappointment on her face, but we were going to stop in Atlanta to rest for the night. I figured I would probably take them to the Georgia Aquarium the following morning as well. I was used to traveling with the kids alone when Sterling was away on assignment, but it felt different knowing that I was really alone this time.

            “But, Mommy, I real—” Carsen was cut off by my phone ringing through the SUV’s speakers.

            I checked the caller ID and saw that it was my mother. I rolled my eyes because it was the fourth time she had called me since I left Arlington.

            “Yes, Mama,” I said. My Southern drawl was evident. It only seemed to come out when I was irritated.

            “Where are y’all at now, Dev?” she asked. I could hear pots and pans clanking in the background.

            “Almost in Atlanta. It’s getting late, so I’m going to get a room for the night and let the kids rest.”

            “That’s a good idea,” my mama agreed. “Your cousin, Cassie, works at a Hilton or something down there. I can call her to get you a hookup.”

            I held back a chuckle. “Mama, I don’t need a hookup. I already booked a room. Don’t worry about us.”

            “I’m always going to worry about my children, Dev,” my mother stated honestly. “Y’all better sat down before I jerk a knot in y’all’s tails!”

            “Who you yelling at, Ma?” I asked, laughing.

            “Honey, Sam dropped her kids off so she could grocery shop in peace. If I didn’t already know what it was like to shop with three bad behind kids, I wouldn’t have done it. You know her youngest is in the Terrible Two’s and tearing up everything.”

            I laughed. I knew all too well about the Terrible Two’s because I was going through the same thing with my youngest son, Drayton. “Don’t be like that, Mama.”

            “I’m not being like nothing. Shoot, I love all of my grandbabies, but between your five, Sam’s three, Carlena’s three, and CJ’s two, Nana is tired.”

            I could understand her sentiment because that was a lot of kids. I came from a large family. My parents, Carlton and Wilhelmina, had four children, three girls and one boy. Carlena was the oldest. She was almost forty and swore she was our second mother. Samiyah was the second born and the wild child of us all. She was on her second marriage, and even that was on its last leg. My brother, CJ, was the baby of the family. He was twenty-four and quickly on track to becoming the second coming of our father. As siblings, we were pretty tight, but since I lived so far away, I rarely got to spend time with my sisters and brother. I was at least looking forward to that.

            “Ma, I’m pulling up at the hotel. Let me check in and get the kids something to eat. I will call you before we go to bed,” I said while she was still fussing with my nieces.

            “OK, baby. Make sure you call me too. Don’t make me have to call you.”

            “I won’t, Ma,” I replied as I pulled my car to a stop in front of the valet stand at the W Hotel.

            “I love you, Dev.”

            We said our goodbyes, and I grabbed my purse from the passenger seat and pulled out my wallet. “Sterling… SJ, help me get the bags out of the car,” I said to my oldest son, Sterling Parks, Jr.

            “Yes, ma’am,” he replied, slipping his phone into his pocket and hopping out.

            “Ma, what do you need me to do?” Ryanne, my oldest daughter, asked. Ryanne was eleven and acted very much like her Aunt Carlena.

            “You and Sarai get the babies out while we get the bags.” Sarai was my middle child. She was the brains of my brood. You could quickly forget that Sarai was in the room because her nose was always buried in a book.

            “OK, Mama,” Ry said happily as she sprang into action.

By the time I made it to the trunk, SJ had already pulled out the three overnight bags I had packed for our trip. I had sent the rest of our things ahead with the moving company I had hired. So far, the move had been seamless, but I couldn’t help but feel a little sad that I was starting a new chapter without the love of my life.

Check-in was painless. I had reserved two rooms that connected so that the kids would have room to spread out. I was exhausted from driving, and they were tired from riding, so I pulled out the room service menu and ordered burgers and fries for the kids and a sirloin Caesar salad for myself. I really did not have an appetite. Since Sterling had died, I had lost about twenty-five pounds, and I knew my mother was going to say something about it the minute I stepped into her house.

“OK, let’s get some showers. The food should be here by the time we’re done,”  I announced to the kids. They were spread out between the adjoining rooms playing on their devices and watching TV.

“Carsen, get Dray, and you two come with me. Ry, you and Sarai go ahead so your brother can get in.”

Everyone got up and started going through bags to get their underwear and night clothes. SJ followed me to my room and helped bathe Drayton once I was done bathing Carsen. I was able to get everyone settled in time for dinner. While they ate, I took my own shower. Standing under the hot water seemed to relax me a bit. I hadn’t realized how tense I was until tears started to fall from my eyes. I never cried in front of the kids. In fact, it was the first time I had cried in almost a month.

Stepping out of the shower, I stood on the plush bath towel and wrapped another around my body. I used a free hand to wipe the fog from the mirror and saw just how sad I looked. My copper skin looked dull, and I had bags under my eyes. My hair even looked sad. My natural curls seemed limp and hung sullenly around my face. I sniffed up a little snot that started to creep from my nose as my tears continued to fall before I brushed my hair up into a messy ponytail. My towel slipped from my body exposing my petite, size six frame. My mother was definitely going to have a fit when she saw me. I came from a family of thick women, so I was definitely looking sickly.

Resolved to straighten up my act, I washed my face off again and put a little blush on to add color to my face. I slipped on a sports bra and matching leggings before pulling on one of Sterling’s Howard tees. It still smelled like him, and I refused to wash it. I missed him so much. I even sprayed a little extra of his Armani Code cologne on it so that I could sleep peacefully. Before I could leave the bathroom to join my kids, my phone rang. I silently prayed that it wasn’t my mother before I looked at the screen. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that it was my best friend, Zabrena, calling.

“What, Brena?” I answered with a little more attitude than intended.

“Ew. What you got all that attitude for?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m just tired.”

“Why does it sound like you been crying?”

“I have,” I said shakily, as the tears started to fall again.

“Aw, friend, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you start crying again.”

“I’m OK. I just need to get it out of my system.”

“I don’t think this is something you will ever be able to get out of your system. Sterling was the love of your life, girl. He has loved you since the first grade. Do you remember when he told your mama that he was going to marry you?”

“Yeah.” I chuckled and wiped away a few of my tears.

“He was serious too. He pulled up on his bike still in his church clothes and professed his love for you in front of your mama and daddy. He was so serious at six. I guess that’s why he did so well in the army.”

“I know. I used to think his was just being annoying, but he had a vision and made a plan. I just didn’t plan on being a widow at thirty-two.”

“I know you didn’t, sweetie, but you still got a tribe of people here to support you. I’m just happy my best friend is coming home.”

“I am too. As much as I wanted to stay in the DMV, I couldn’t do it alone. I mean, I could have, but there were way too many memories there.”

“I understand that,” Zabrena replied sympathetically. “Maybe if you got out some, you could take your mind off of things.”

“I don’t think I’m ready to get out and meet people.”

            “Who said anything about meeting someone? I tell you what… Let’s go out this weekend for drinks. Maybe getting out of the house without the kids will help you to unwind.”

“My mama already watches Sam’s kids. I don’t want to add mine to the chaos.”

“Don’t worry about that. I will get Jaleel to watch them,” Zabrena offered. Jaleel was her husband. They had been married just as long as Sterling and I had been married. He and his brother Bryan were like brothers to me.

“He ain’t gonna want to watch eight kids, Brena,” I said skeptically.

“Sure, he will. He’ll just call Bryan over there. It’ll be more like the kids watching them because you know they are childish.”

“If you say so. Listen, I’m tired. I’m gonna eat and call it a night. Call my mama and let her know you talked to me. Tell her I fell asleep on you.”

“Don’t have me lying to your mama.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time.”

“You’re right.” She giggled. “Get you some rest, friend. I love you.”

“Love you too, sis.”

I hung up the phone and took one last look at myself in the mirror. I knew that the move would give me the space I needed from the life I had in Virginia, but I was still scared about moving on without Sterling. I took a deep breath with the resolve that I would accept whatever my new life had to offer with open arms.