Chapter 5: Casey

6 months ago:

Time lost me.

Torture became a new thing. No food became normal. Minimal water was a thing, apparently.

No one tells me what day it is; some days they leave me for what feels like days. The only light I ever get is a small, shitty lightbulb above my head. One mishap with that, and this place will probably go up in flames.

Just what I need right now.

I wonder if Oliver would have retired and become the father he always dreamed he would be. Living his life. I would prefer to just end this now. My mind is never going to get out of itself now, but whenever they come in, my screams are more grunts. They don't even give a shit anymore; they keep asking for information, but by now I can even remember if my left hand is still attached to my body or if my arse is still even working. I stink. I keep telling myself to grab a shower and then laughing inside my head at the thought of not being able to move. Some days they let me go, but as soon as the cuffs are off my hands and feet, they hurriedly get out of the door and lock it, bolt it, and chain it by the sounds it makes.

I learned to zone out of the pain. Listening to their voices makes me want to scream, but it's never gotten me anyway in the weeks I have been here. If it has been weeks,. I might even be going into the third month, maybe even the fourth, for all I know.

There's a lot of firing outside, shouting and screaming, banging, and what sounds like explosions, but I don't feel anything. Today isn't the day they let me go. My body is battered and bruised, and a knife is currently sticking into my sides and my thighs. I lost count of how many severe wounds I have, to the point of losing track of how many times they inflicted them.

The bite marks are on my shoulders and arms and even some of my legs, but I don't acknowledge the pain anymore I zone out and think of Oliver, mom and dad, and everyone else. Would they think I just stayed on tour? Didn't want to go home? I wonder what my niece or nephew looks like.

The door slams open and one of the males who have been in here before puts a syringe into my neck once again but then I feel the familiar feeling of being safe. A gunshot echoes around the room and the next thing I know, I'm being delinked from the chair and carried out of the room.

The next thing I hear is a woman's voice.

"Welcome back," she says as I look up to the ceiling.

"It's all just a dream..." I say to myself. I hear murmured echoes around me but it's dark still. I'm used to the dark now so it doesn't surprise me until the familiar feeling of turbulence makes me sick.

"She's about to be sick. Bucket! NOW" the woman next to me shouts as she holds the bucket to me and I let the bile out of my system.

"I'm going to let you sleep now, okay. This will help," she says but I can't even say no. I can't say no because I already feel my eyes heavy and closing.

The next time I open my eyes is when another person enters the room.

"Your awake"

I don't say anything but I look to the window and see that it's dark outside. Everything is dark.

"You had surgery two weeks ago. Your wounds will scar for the rest of your life but today you will be travelling to a rehabilitation centre"

When I don't say anything again, she continues.

"It's 20 minutes outside of California and it's a huge place for soldiers who need help to adjust and seek some refuge from injuries.. If you want, you can get up and walk out of the hospital room"

I shake my head and she sighs but smiles at me. I look down at my wrist at the name and the date but there isn't a date, just a 'Jane Doe' wristband sitting there.

Is that who I am?

Jane Doe is a no-name person.

I look to her pen and she motions to it as if to sense I want to use it. My writing is sloppy and probably unreadable but I write 'date?' The best I can.

"March 21st," she says, which I sigh about. And the. She carries on.

"I don't know much about your case but the captain who saved you from Africa said they put a missing persons in place 30 months ago after they lost all connections with you."

30 MONTHS AGO!!

I have been gone nearly 2 and a half years.

"You were held as a prisoner of war for 30 months but we didn't get your file until this morning. When you got to Brazil, you were a Jane doe, but today you get on a flight, sedated, of course, as Casey Hamilton"

I write 'Family' on the paper and I can't even read it myself. It had been nearly 2 and a half years of not writing a damn thing and I thought it had only been a few months.

"We wasn't able to get ahold of them. American lines or the American general and sergeant will visit them once you have been in a rehabilitation facility for a few days"

I write 'don't. Tell . them' in scruffy handwriting and she looks puzzled at me but doesn't say anything. She nods her head and walks out of my room and before long, I doze off even as I'm being wheeled into an ambulance in my bed.

"Miss Hamilton" I recognise that voice as our captain. My old captain.

"Sir...ye-"

"Don't you dare. Casey doesn't even finish that sentence. You saved my life and I will forever be grateful to you. I owe you much more than a bad, heartbreaking visit after all you have been through. I will be riding with you back to US soil and up to the rehab place situated 20 minutes outside your home town. It was built 9 years ago and has done a lot of wonders for soldiers and ex-military personnel," he says as he takes my hand in his.

"Casey. You saved 5 people that day but the plane went down shortly after the cargo plane took off. 3 of the 5 you saved are alive but... I'm so sorry Oliver passed away from the impact and his already current state"

I can feel the emotions bubbling inside of me and then I let out what feels like a heart-shattering cry. I cry so hard that it's hard to believe it's coming from me.

My twin, my best friend, my soul and my other half-my brother-passed away and my family has had to deal with this on top of everything.

God I'm the worst daughter anyone could have ever had. I never should have let us do this. I survived yet I feel like I'm dying on the inside.

He died and I survived. I shouldn't have survived.

It should be me laying in the poppy fields, not him. He has Leah and has a child.

Had... had Leah.

I cry so hard that I don't even feel the pain anymore; it's just numb. It's just broken. My eyes are heavy and my body feels like a weighted blanket is sitting on-top of me but I don't care.

I already know what's happening I have had numerous amounts of chloroform injected into my system by Africans.

I don't even dream; it's like every other time: pain, shots being fired, the hairs on my back sticking up because I don't know how to feel when they walk in, the accident before my brothers last words were 'I love you, Casey' strikes my head, and I can't wake up.

I can't do it anymore I just want the ground to take me so I can be free. I'm trapped in the darkness of my mind. I'm trapped in a cycle of memories of laughter we shared and photos being taken of our team, Jackie, Flynn, Tyler, Oliver, and the others. Even though the one guy we passed with was there for each of us to open our letters, we didn't always stand with him every day like we did everyone else. He preferred to keep himself to himself.

My brother deserved a lifetime of happiness.

A lifetime of love to have given his child.

A lifetime of new memories and stories to tell his grandchildren. Not me. I have nothing to live for.

My reality is facing every day without my brother. Without the feeling of him laughing with me, spying on what I'm doing, basically reading my mind, I'm chained to a life I now don't want to live.

I'm already numb and broken. Lost and tired, I may as well just let the darkness consume me.

"Casey, we are transporting you to the ambulance. It's been a long flight, okay So you're still groggy. Mid your head for me, if you understand"

I nod my head but I don't want to acknowledge anyone here. I want to be alone, like I have been for nearly 2 and a half years. The light outside makes me shiver. It's sunny outside today I wonder if it ever rained while I was there?

Did it shine all the time?

I wonder what it would look like if it did snow or even rain.

I can hear Our Captain talking but I don't know what they are saying I don't know what they're discussing because I zone them out. A blank feeling crosses my mind as I remember Oliver laughing, jumping on my back to take the piss and rugby tackling me to the mats when working out. I think of everything that made me laugh and smile. Childhood memories flicker through my mind.

Teenage memories

End of teenage years

And now. Nothing.

Being transported to this place in silence is what I needed. I don't even know what I look like I don't even want to see what I look like but Captain looks as if he's walking with a limp when he gets out of the truck and walks beside my bed.

"Hello, I'm Maria, and these two here are Zack, who is my husband, and our cat Whiskers, who walks around here with most of the dogs you will see. You must be Casey," she says as she holds her hand out to me as I lie here on the bed

I turn my head and scrunch myself up as far as I can, even though it hurts so much.

"I will go over her folder with you. Her room? Where is it, please I'd like to see her settled in"

"Of course. She's on the second floor and her room is located at the back, where she has a view of the water fall and all the things outside. There are blackout blinds, a bathroom with a shower and toilet, a closet to hand her stuff, and a king-sized bed with a desk, a TV, and a sofa in the room," Maria says. I'm listening to everything she's saying but I don't care about all of that I just want to leave here and be on my own.

"She will be here for as long as she needs; all of her Military benefits were included in insurance coverage and extras. She doesn't pay for her therapy or anything here and the staff here are trained to be on the clock 24/7. We have some ex-military men who work here and there are also security teams based at each open point. She's safe here"

'She's safe here.'

Okay.

I don't believe her words but once I get in my room, I will feel safer. Alone.

"Casey, this is your room, okay. I will be heading out shortly but I will be back soon, okay" Captain says as I sit on the window seat with all its pillows and blankets and I just sit there, not even acknowledging his presence.

Everything may as well be gone for all I care right now.