It was a real shock to my system to see Max Kendal here. I didn't recognise his scent when he walked in, but then his voice was the one I recognised. His dog tried to locate where I was, but I couldn't remove my hands from my ears. My whole body hurts physically and mentally. It's my first night here, and it's also the first night off the drugs I've been on for years.They want to wean me off them, so I thought, Why not go cold turkey? Get it over with.When he left, I felt relieved. It's hard enough living with what the doctor said was survivors guilt, but I wish I wouldn't be here. I'd be more at peace if they had just killed me over there, but then my mom and dad. Do they blame me? That's one reason why I couldn't accept the doctors to call.What if they blamed me?What if they disowned me?What if... what if... what if...Everything leads back to what if this or what if that. There's no way I'll be able to go back, and I don't honestly think I want to anyway.I'm pulled away from
The days here are filled with endless amounts of nurses, blood being taken, night terrors in the day, which is bizarre, a lot of attempts to get me to go to therapy, attempts to talk, and it's driving me insane.I just want to feel something.Angry.Sad.Fear.Something. I don't even know how long I have actually been here, but I wrote down that I don't want anyone visiting apart from Max, and even he is limited to how many times he shows up. I haven't spoken to him yet, and I haven't spoken to anyone. I hear his voice speaking to someone down the hall."Katie, it's been nearly 2 months since she got here. Are you sure she's okay?""Max, you know the drill in this: you were once a military man yourself and converting back to a civilian life was hard for you who left with full bill of health and therapy to ease you into it. She's not been back in this life for a long time but hopefully she will one day"He grunts something, which makes me smile. He's always been a grumpy bastard, if
"Ahhh, so he is alive. It's been a few weeks, hasn't it, boss man?" Cody, who is my best friend and PA, says the moment I walk through the doorThe moment I step into a suit, I'm in work mode, unless I'm greeted with coffee and a best friend. I learned my lesson the hard way when I hired a female assistant who was only interested in being on an ex-military man's arm candy and climbing a ladder. She always wore tight clothes, which showed way too much, and she must have put on a whole bottle of perfume in a day.God, it was a lot."Sorry man. I didn't mean for it to happen for that long, but there were a few things I needed to do, that was all," I tell him as we step into my office."Doors closed. What's going on?""Just over 4 years ago, I retired from the Military...""Yeah, I know about that. Your time there and everything in between. What's going on, Kendal" I know he's asking, as a close friend and also a colleague, if I'm fit to do my work or if I need more time off or not, which
"What are you doing here?" I ask him as I look into his eyes. His eyes are on mine as well, but I can't look away."Because you fell asleep and I didn't want to wake you up. There's a storm that's coming and it's supposed to be a huge storm as well. I will leave before it comes""You don't have to. I like you coming down""I like it too but you don't need me here; you're strong and witty enough to get by on your own. You have us all here, Cassi You really do and I'm not saying this because I feel sorry for you No no offence, and don't take it personally but I can't because I know you'd hate it. You and Oliver were to stubborn to admit defeat so don't do it, okay""You don't understand""I don't. And you'll open up when your ready to open up but can I just say one thing"I nod my head for him to continue but I can feel the anger dissipating the more he speaks. He never liked me when we were teenagers anyway so theres no harm in listening to his words."What would Olly want?""To be her
I keep visiting her.I keep going over any plan I can to help her get through this but the more I try, the more she closes the door on me and shuts herself away. I tried yesterday and she didn't even acknowledge me there so when I left, I took a flight to the nearest Airport near Arlington Cemetery, and I booked a motel room for a few nights. Visiting Oliver might help and hopefully I might get my answer here.I head over to the tombstone dressed in a suit and put down the roses I bought on the way here."Olly.I don't even know where to begin here. I bought you some flowers even though you'd probably want a beer, I pulled up here knowing I needed to speak to you and knowing it was an overdue situation.Casey isn't doing good, man. She's not happy without you here. Locking herself in her hospital room, she's been there for 3 months and refuses any treatment. Doctors keep telling her to try her therapy and try new things but she sits in the window and doesn't say a word. We were in th
"Casey, we've been on 3 therapy sessions and you've barely said much. You don't need to talk about your time away. You don't even need to tell me much but I want to know what your thinking"I managed to snag a new therapist. He's an older man, which sounds nice. Loves wearing sweaters and comfy clothes. We're in the seasons where it is a bit colder now. I have been here a fair few months so you'd expect me to be tip-top by now.Apparently not."Like what?""Anything. What are you so scared of here?""I'm not scared of anything," I tell him. It's a big, shitty lie that he can probably see straight through, but I don't want to tell him I feel unstable. I'm scared of people here, and every time I look outside, I'm relieved to find myself not chained to a chair. Not chained to a box. "What do you think about Oliver?""Of course I do." I snap. "What about him?"What the hell. I may as well start somewhere."I miss him. I wake up in sweats, feeling like he's talking to me. Blaming me. Tel
The first photo in the album is of everyone. Sophie, who was only a little girl, stood in front of Casey and Oliver with big smiles on their faces. Their grandparents and aunts, uncles, and their mom and dad were standing behind them with proud expressions on their faces.You can see the tears in their mother's eyes, but it's a proud moment for her.They both looked so young. So happy and carefree. If only they knew what would happen if they had left before their last tour. Would they be doing something big? Travelling, office work, and training other people. All thoughts no one would ever know because they went to Africa as their last deployment."You looked so carefree there," I say as I point to her face in the first photo. She runs her fingers over her mom's and dad's faces before flipping to the next one. A photo of her and her brother looking at each other. I remember that being Joanna's profile picture on Facebook years ago. She has always been a proud mother. And their fathe
Casey: 10 years ago"Mom, can you stop stressing""No. I won't stop stressing. You have just turned 18 and are planning to go into the military. It's every mother's worst nightmare, Casey, My oldest babies are leaving tonight and I don't know how to feel about this""So is it a bad time to let you know that Oliver is leaving too, cause I don't want you to chew my ear off alone?""Oh, goodness me. I always knew you two would do everything together. Thick and Thieves" My mom sighs as she calls for our dad to come down the stairs. He already knew that we were doing this, and when we filled out all the paperwork, our medical history, and everything else that was needed on the list, our dad was right there explaining it all to us and guiding us. So I bet my mom is going to give him hell for it."He's thick, if you must know." I can't help but joke. It's my coping mechanism when I'm nervous.We didn't exactly tell our mom that we was joining because we knew she would tell us she didn't want