The days here are filled with endless amounts of nurses, blood being taken, night terrors in the day, which is bizarre, a lot of attempts to get me to go to therapy, attempts to talk, and it's driving me insane.I just want to feel something.Angry.Sad.Fear.Something. I don't even know how long I have actually been here, but I wrote down that I don't want anyone visiting apart from Max, and even he is limited to how many times he shows up. I haven't spoken to him yet, and I haven't spoken to anyone. I hear his voice speaking to someone down the hall."Katie, it's been nearly 2 months since she got here. Are you sure she's okay?""Max, you know the drill in this: you were once a military man yourself and converting back to a civilian life was hard for you who left with full bill of health and therapy to ease you into it. She's not been back in this life for a long time but hopefully she will one day"He grunts something, which makes me smile. He's always been a grumpy bastard, if
"Ahhh, so he is alive. It's been a few weeks, hasn't it, boss man?" Cody, who is my best friend and PA, says the moment I walk through the doorThe moment I step into a suit, I'm in work mode, unless I'm greeted with coffee and a best friend. I learned my lesson the hard way when I hired a female assistant who was only interested in being on an ex-military man's arm candy and climbing a ladder. She always wore tight clothes, which showed way too much, and she must have put on a whole bottle of perfume in a day.God, it was a lot."Sorry man. I didn't mean for it to happen for that long, but there were a few things I needed to do, that was all," I tell him as we step into my office."Doors closed. What's going on?""Just over 4 years ago, I retired from the Military...""Yeah, I know about that. Your time there and everything in between. What's going on, Kendal" I know he's asking, as a close friend and also a colleague, if I'm fit to do my work or if I need more time off or not, which
"What are you doing here?" I ask him as I look into his eyes. His eyes are on mine as well, but I can't look away."Because you fell asleep and I didn't want to wake you up. There's a storm that's coming and it's supposed to be a huge storm as well. I will leave before it comes""You don't have to. I like you coming down""I like it too but you don't need me here; you're strong and witty enough to get by on your own. You have us all here, Cassi You really do and I'm not saying this because I feel sorry for you No no offence, and don't take it personally but I can't because I know you'd hate it. You and Oliver were to stubborn to admit defeat so don't do it, okay""You don't understand""I don't. And you'll open up when your ready to open up but can I just say one thing"I nod my head for him to continue but I can feel the anger dissipating the more he speaks. He never liked me when we were teenagers anyway so theres no harm in listening to his words."What would Olly want?""To be her
I keep visiting her.I keep going over any plan I can to help her get through this but the more I try, the more she closes the door on me and shuts herself away. I tried yesterday and she didn't even acknowledge me there so when I left, I took a flight to the nearest Airport near Arlington Cemetery, and I booked a motel room for a few nights. Visiting Oliver might help and hopefully I might get my answer here.I head over to the tombstone dressed in a suit and put down the roses I bought on the way here."Olly.I don't even know where to begin here. I bought you some flowers even though you'd probably want a beer, I pulled up here knowing I needed to speak to you and knowing it was an overdue situation.Casey isn't doing good, man. She's not happy without you here. Locking herself in her hospital room, she's been there for 3 months and refuses any treatment. Doctors keep telling her to try her therapy and try new things but she sits in the window and doesn't say a word. We were in th
"Casey, we've been on 3 therapy sessions and you've barely said much. You don't need to talk about your time away. You don't even need to tell me much but I want to know what your thinking"I managed to snag a new therapist. He's an older man, which sounds nice. Loves wearing sweaters and comfy clothes. We're in the seasons where it is a bit colder now. I have been here a fair few months so you'd expect me to be tip-top by now.Apparently not."Like what?""Anything. What are you so scared of here?""I'm not scared of anything," I tell him. It's a big, shitty lie that he can probably see straight through, but I don't want to tell him I feel unstable. I'm scared of people here, and every time I look outside, I'm relieved to find myself not chained to a chair. Not chained to a box. "What do you think about Oliver?""Of course I do." I snap. "What about him?"What the hell. I may as well start somewhere."I miss him. I wake up in sweats, feeling like he's talking to me. Blaming me. Tel
The first photo in the album is of everyone. Sophie, who was only a little girl, stood in front of Casey and Oliver with big smiles on their faces. Their grandparents and aunts, uncles, and their mom and dad were standing behind them with proud expressions on their faces.You can see the tears in their mother's eyes, but it's a proud moment for her.They both looked so young. So happy and carefree. If only they knew what would happen if they had left before their last tour. Would they be doing something big? Travelling, office work, and training other people. All thoughts no one would ever know because they went to Africa as their last deployment."You looked so carefree there," I say as I point to her face in the first photo. She runs her fingers over her mom's and dad's faces before flipping to the next one. A photo of her and her brother looking at each other. I remember that being Joanna's profile picture on Facebook years ago. She has always been a proud mother. And their fathe
It's been a week since I last saw Max. I have spoken to him on the phone some times, or we have texted, but he says he's busy with work and that by the time he finishes, he knows I have had some of my medication and I wouldn't be up for a visit, but he's coming by today.The nurses stop by every 45 minutes to get Zeke to go for a pee, and he took a bit of coaxing at the start, but he's getting there now. I have slept in Oliver's jersey the last week as well, and I have been going through the chocolates my mom bought me like they're the last thing in the world.I started watching some TV show called Grey's Anatomy on Disney Plus that Maria told me to start, and I've become obsessed with it.When Zeke starts growling, I look up at the door, and then Max appears in the doorway, to which my pooch stops growling.I reward him with some treats, and then he puts his head back down and goes back to sleep.I've slept in bed every night with my dog laid right next to me, his head on my hand whe
I feel her body here. Beside mine.I never had eyes for Casey Hamilton.I didn't want to view her as a woman who took my breath away. It made me weak in the knees. I didn't want to be here all the time.But I am here a lot of the time; I even called her Angel. I don't even know where it came from, but I came from somewhere, and I believe she doesn't mind.I do care about her, and I do want to see her. I do view her as this beautiful, independent, quiet woman who I think I am actually in love with.I was always told I had a playboy reputation in high school.I wouldn't mind "tapping it," as Jake would say, and I wouldn't. It stopped when I joined the military, as that became my love. It became my soul focus, and when I thought back on it, I spent so many years not bothering with sex, but the moment I left, the moment I turned myself back into civilian life, my lifestyle habits changed. Again.I'd go back out on a Friday night so I didn't have to sleep and listen to gunshots sounding of
Epilogue5 years later:For the last five years, me and Casey have become stronger with each other, and we have also been able to get through some tough days and still come out happier as well.When she blurted out she was pregnant, I was so shocked, but the excitement cursing through my body had been beyond amazing! I didn't know how to express it if words weren't enough, which they weren't at the time.We celebrated the pregnancy news with our families over snacks and some drinks at the local pub near us.Casey gave birth 8 months later to a beautiful little girl who we named Daisy Kendal, and she is definitely the spitting image of her father with her mother's stubbornness on top of it all.A year later, we found out we were pregnant again, and we had a beautiful set of twins, whom we named Oliver and Maddy.Oliver is a mom's boy, but the moment his grandads get here, he's all man and no mom.Me and Casey got married a few months after we had Daisy, and she was a beautiful, hot mam
1 week ago:I'm sitting at my parent's house, panicking over what seems to be an exciting time for my mom. She still doesn't touch me as much and since that day I hugged her at the cemetery, she seems to be a little easier on things now."Mom, can you stop making me nervous""Yeah, well, if I'm going to be honest, it is nice to have some good news and have you told Max?""Do you think I would be panicking over here waiting for the drink to take its course if he knew about it?"If I'm going to cut to the chase, I'm late. I've never had a pregnancy scare before, and I'm sure that it will be negative because I don't believe Max even wants children, and I'm probably just stressed about next week. Surely it's just that."Have you Peed yet?" My mom asks through the door."Yes. I'm just waiting for the tests to do their magic"The moment I've said that, my mom opens the door and stands there waiting for me to tell her.The timer goes off and I hand her the stick. I can't look."Casey baby""
Last week, when we all got home, me and Max started looking at houses, and while he was at work, I drew out some plans for my bakery. The unit is already ready for me to start my work because somehow Max and my dad and his dad had already started when we got back, and I only found out at the weekend what was happening. its a big shop that can seat people inside and outside as well.The name is going to be Sin City. It's hopefully going to do well, and I think it's something I need to focus on as well. For it to be in the heart of California is great, and it will be noticeable too, so that's good.Sophia said she can do all the art online and make a profile specifically for orders and deliveries; she's happy to help, and my dad said he and Joel will be starting any renovations I want to do, but it will take time, which is fine.My therapist appointment yesterday was good, and I have started going on walks with Zeke and Max, which Dr. Manning is thrilled about. He was happy to see I got
A week before proposal-"Mr. Hamilton may I have a couple of minutes of your time please?"I stepped into the Hamilton home just like I normally do with my Mom and Dad's home. I walked straight through the door, hugged Mrs Hamilton, got a lecture for calling her Mrs Hamilton and not Jo or Joanna and then asked where Mr Hamilton was."Yes lad what's up?"It's been 4 weeks since I last saw Casey. She avoids my calls sometimes but I know it isn't personal. She needs time to heal and we have been speaking briefly when we have a spare few minutes but I miss seeing her beautiful face so even now, every Sunday I swing by here with Jake and Leah too, and we all have dinner here and then I go see my family as well."I have been thinking a lot recently and I have been pacing your driveway for a while now""I know. I've been finding it funny watching you on camera"I stop short of my next question when his laughter echoes over the room. It's a sight and sound I haven't heard for a while and it's
The flight was a lot for me-over 5 hours trapped in one space. I didn't think I'd be able to do it simply because the last time I was on a plane, I was heavily sedated, so I didn't know how I was through out the flight, but this one tested so many waters and it made me feel so sick.We get into the cars we have hired for a few days, and we drive to the hotel, which is a short distance from the cemetery.Finding closure and peace for Olivier and me is why I'm here, and maybe, just maybe, I can begin to feel a sense of relief that he is somewhere out there looking down on us all and is proud of the person Leah is now and the daughter he has never met, but she hears so much about her daddy and the people mom and dad have become, even though everyone misses him so much."Hey Angel, shall we have a steady walk up to the fields? Let pooch have a bit of a walk around and do what he needs to do?""Yes. Is it busy?""No, it's a very quiet town and the fields are a short distance as well. Every
"A few days after I last saw you, I read Oliver's letter. He knew I'd blame myself if he died; he knew I wouldn't be able to handle it but he told me some stuff I needed to hear. He basically gave me the kick in the ass I needed from beyond the grave in a way," she says, smiling sadly."I knew I needed to fight it; I knew I needed to face the challenges ahead but I was scared. I'm scared of my own shadow, Max, Days like today, when it was a lot and it was overwhelming, I got scared. I haven't been in this kind of environment for so long I forgot what it was like. When I got my tattoo, they kept me talking and told me how they all got into that business and how it made them feel. I felt safe in a place I had never been to before""I'm glad you felt safe there, Angel""When I took my top off, they didn't judge me; they didn't ask questions but I heard my mom's cries. It fucking hurt I didn't want her to see them I didn't want her to be disgusted by what I have felt disgusted by. I remem
I don't leave his bedroom because I know if I do, then I'd end up having a panic attack but when his mom steps in the door way of his room and bursts into tears, I can't help but stand still."Mom, don't cry; Jesus, she's just got here""Oh, shut up. Casey honey, it is so good to see you""Hello, Mrs Kendal," I say politely, even though I'm a bunch of nerves on the inside. When Mr Kendal steps forward, I take a step back instinctively."I'm sorry, sir"When Max puts a hand in his dad's shoulder and whispers something, he looks back to me and nods before walking out and following his wife down the hall."They aren't going to hurt you, Angel. I did the same thing when I returned home I called him sir way too much. It's a habit you can't break straight away but you're safe, okay. They know not to touch you and if you need to, we can take you home, okay"I shake my head because I didn't work my ass off for nothing. I didn't push myself so hard that I was sick most nights from exhaustion a
Every meeting is a pain in my backside, so when I got a notification that I had another meeting scheduled for 3:30, I was and could have lost my shit.When the receptionist, Paula, comes by at 3:25 to let me know my appointment is hers, I am prepared to cancel and tell them to go."Sir, she was very adamant about this meeting. I had to cancel your 4 o'clock meeting for this as she said it was urgent," she says as we walk from one end of the office to the other, and when I open my door, I literally drop my mug of coffee on the floor.Inside my office is Zeke, who wags his tail and then looks to his Owner, Casey, who iss currently sitting in the chairs opposite me."Sir, is everything okay?" Paula asks me as she looks to the woman in front of me. "I can call security if you need me to...?""No. Paula this is Casey. My Casey" I say, walking so fast, crossing my office to get to her and pulling her into a huge hug."Hello Maximus""Only my mother calls me that! But I'll let you off this o
I stand in the doorway, staring at the family member who is staring back at me.Maria steps next to me and starts speaking to me."They've been here for a while. I am waiting for you to come out. I think your dad has only just sat down""What do I say to them?""Whatever you want. Come on, let's have a walk over there"We have a steady walk over, and while I walk, I look around me. I've never actually seen anything out here, so now that I can, I see how beautiful it all is. The sun is shining over us, and ahead is a nugget picnic that my mom probably did. She was always good at making buffet meals for parties."Casey is a little worried about today's events. She's just come out of a very tough therapy session. Please understand that she may not want to have millions of questions thrown her way. Enjoy your meals, and Casey, your medications will be ready for when you get back into your room," Maria says as she bids my family farewell.Zeke is standing in front of me, watching their mov