Chapter 1 - Fake it until you make it

“I’m glad you finally decided to come out with me.” Trevor says smiling at me across the small table. I can feel him moving his legs back and forth under the table. That’s how close we are to each other. I should be feeling nervous with his feet touching mine and his face being so close to mine but I’m not feeling any nerves at all.

  Tonight is finally The day, its date night with Trevor and usually on date nights I’m a mess. But with him I feel no different. I keep thinking about the times I’ve spent with Oliver, it was nerves all around. This feels too calm; I want to pinch myself so I can feel something.

 He took to a doughnut shop that just opened in town. There are so many people here to check it out, that we can barely move around. It’s a miracle we were able to get a table. Everyone and their grandmother came to have a taste of the many unique recipes. I’m glad we came so I can try some new flavors but I’m not too happy with how crowded it is. I would rather we came at a quieter time.

 Or I could just be on edge because of what happened with Oliver. I’ve been thinking about it all day. I hate to admit it but I feel guilty that he found out that way. It was all so messy and unnecessary. But I can’t live my life guarding what I sat or do just so he can be happy; I want to be happy too.

“I’m glad too.” I say but I sigh as soon as the words come out of my mouth. He smiles at me but he doesn’t say anything. I know I shouldn’t but I’m thinking about Oliver. I can’t help but wonder how mad at me he is. I know it’s not fair that I’m thinking about someone else while I’m out with Trevor but I can’t turn my brain off.

“I think we should get a few of those tasty doughnuts, do you know what flavors you want?”He asks getting up from the table

“I think I would like to try the passion fruit and mnm’s flavor.” I say and he makes a face at me. I know the flavor sounds crazy but they took two of my favorite things and they made them into my most favorite thing. If this flavor woks, I’m telling you. I will never stop coming here. I will make sure they stay open just so I can eat that beautiful concoction. “I just want to try it out.” I say and he shrugs getting up.

I get up too but he stops me before I’m fully on my feet. “I’ll get the doughnuts, just sit back and relax.” He says touching my hand softly. I look at the queue and then look back at him.

“Are you sure? I could keep you company while you wait in line.” I say pointing to the long line. I make a face at the thought of how long it’s going to take him to get those few doughnuts. Maybe we should just leave and go do something else. That queue is too long.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be right back.” He says smiling and then he leaves me at the table. He looks back at me smiling when he gets to the end of the line. I smile back at him and he just looks at me.

He’s cute; the words pop into my mind as soon as I smile at him. I shake my head at the thought where did that come from?

I sit back and look out the window of the shop. The next thing that pops into my mind is, what am I doing here?

I’ve known Trevor for a long time, we went to primary school together, and he lives a few blocks from my house. I’ve always found him cute but no cute enough to go on a date with him. Like Mark, he’s been asking me out for a while now but he’s a little less whiny about it than mark.

And when he asked me out again a few days ago, I said yes, he was taken aback. I was surprised at myself too. I didn’t think I would say yes, but I did.  I can’t help but wonder if the whole thing with Oliver has everything to do with it. I was emotional, on the edge and in my feelings.

 I was feeling some type of way about our break up; none break up situation with Oliver. It hurt to walk away from him. He was saying he wants to be with me. But I had to walk away with him; Oliver is not ready to be with me. He is not ready to be in a relationship, he thinks he is but I know he’s not.

I don’t want to end up hurt dating a guy I know is not interested in a committed anything. That’s a recipe for disaster; I’m too sensitive for games.

“Here you go.” Trevor says placing an assortment of doughnuts in front of me. My mouth waters at the sight. A sugary treat always takes the stress away. I look at him and he has this huge smile on his face.

“Thank you. These are so big.” I say smiling back at him.  I pick up the one flavor I wanted to try and take a bite. He sits back looking at me expectantly. As soon as the doughnut hits my taste buds I close my eyes. This is it, this is the flavor of my life, and I love every sweet bite of it. I even love the tangy-ness of the passion fruit. “So good, thank you for bringing me here.” I say after I finish the first doughnut.

“You’re welcome.” He says looking at me closely. “I have a question for you but I don’t know how to ask you.” He says after a moment of silence. I dig into a chocolate and mind flavored one and almost s ream at the pleasure I’m experiencing in my mouth.

“You can ask me anything.” I say taking a breath; I open myself up to being here. I want to enjoy the date and to do that I have to open myself to this. Plus I can’t really complain can I? I’m having an amazing dessert. All we have to do is have a nice respectful conversation and then I can go home.

“Why did you finally decide to go on a date with me?” He asks and I smile because we’re both thinking about the same thing. I don’t blame him for wondering though. I waited years to say yes to him. He has to wonder what changed.

“Well let me see.” I say and he sits forward paying extra attention to what I’m about to say. “For one, you’re very consistent.” I say and he smiles. “You never gave up on asking me out. You never quit.” I say and he nods.

“I’m a very consistent person. I’ve been told that’s boring by a few people.” He says looking at me shyly.

“I find it very reassuring. The world is filled with so many uncertainties; it’s good to know that you know where you stand.” I say and an uninvited image of Oliver pops into my mind. He’s very inconsistent and uncertain.

“What‘s the second thing?” Trevor asks intrigued.

“I’m ready to date.” I say he nods smiling happily.

“I’m glad to hear that.” He says reaching out to touch my hand. “I appreciate you sharing that with me.” He adds going back to eating his ice cream.

“I have a question for you.” I say and almost laugh. I sounded so much like Jameson right then. I could have just asked the question, I feel like I picked up some of his habits. I need to spend less time with him. Trevor nods letting me know I can ask my question. “What made you keep asking me out?” I ask looking at him curiously. He should have quit at the second time I turned him down. I never gave him an inkling of hope that one say I would say yes.

What made him keep coming back?

“You may not believe this but I’ve had a crush on you since we were in primary school. I could never get over how beautiful you are.” He says and I choke on my doughnut. I cough over and over trying to get it out of all the wrong pipes. Trevor stands up tapping me on the back. It takes a few coughs to get my breathing back to normal. I didn’t expect him to say that at all.

It feels weird to hear him say I’m beautiful. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone outside of the close people in my life tell me I’m beautiful.

“I’m sorry.” I say when I finally stop coughing. “And thank you for the help.” I say when he sits down.

“You’re welcome and please don’t apologize.” He says smiling at me.

“I wasn’t expecting you to say that.” I say looking at him shyly.

“”I’m only stating facts. You’re gorgeous,” He says looking at me closely.

“Well thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them.” I say sitting back in my chair. I cough a couple of times feeling a little self conscious. He’s saying all these words and he’s looking me in my eyes. It all feels very intimate and personal. I didn’t prepare for the first date to go this way. I was sure we were going to debate about the weather and have an awkward first date. I wasn’t expecting him to be so open and so free with his feelings.

“Do you need some water?” He asks looking at me concerned.

“No, no I’m good.” I say and he nods.

“Let me know if you need anything and I’ll get it for you.” He says and I nod smiling. He’s so sweet and considerate. “It looks like a beautiful evening out doesn’t it?” He says looking out the shop window.

“It really does.” I say looking outside too. “Would you like to go for a walk in the neighborhood?” I ask looking back at him.

“I would love that.” He says already getting up. I stand up too, putting on my jacket. I then take my purse and we head doughnuts shop door. He holds it open for me and I get out into the evening air first. “There is a cute park down the road, we could go there and sit for a while.” He says pointing to a path that is lit up by lights. This is the only park that remains open at night. It’s so magical... I can see the park he’s talking about at the end of the path. The whole park is lit up with lights and there are people walking around underneath them. There’s laughter and conversation down there. It looks like a nice place to waste a few hours.

“That sounds good.” I say and we start walking down the path.

“So what do you like to do in your spare time?” He asks after a few paces.

“I know this is lame but I love to sit in my room and think.” I say and he smiles. That is the purest reaction to my none-hobby I’ve ever had. Usually people frown when they find out I like to just be. People think it’s lame that I’m a home body.

“What do you usually think about?” He asks genuinely interested.

“”I think about, music, food, poetry, and I thought about this date a lot.” I say and he raises his brows at me in question.

“Poetry?” He asks not going for the question I thought he would go for.

“Yes, I write poetry.” I say and he smiles looking at me like he’s seeing me for the first time ever.

“I didn’t know that.” He says looking at me thoughtfully. “Imagine you’re very good at it.” He says smiling.

“Well I’ve won a few awards for my poetry.” I say and he gasps in surprise.

“How do I not know this? That’s incredible.” He says practically splitting his face in half with his smile.

“Thank you.” I say just as we reach the entrance of the park. We walk in silence for a few minutes looking for a bench. We find ne right next to a bunch of roses.

“So how did you see this dating going when you thought about?” He asks when we’re comfortable on the bench.

“To be honest, I was sure it was going to be a disaster. I prepared myself for an awkward experience.” I say and he looks at me silent for a few seconds.

“You thought I was boring.” He says laughing a little.

“No, I was sure I would be boring. I’m very awkward in social situations and I’m especially awkward in a date situation. That’s why I never go on dates.” I say and he looks at me trying to figure out if I’m bullshittng him I assume.

“You can never be boring. You’re so cool. I feel privileged to spend this time with you.” he says and I smile.

“I feel the same way. I’m so happy you asked me out again and I’m glad I came. This is nice.” I say and he nods. “What do you like to do with your spare time?” I ask eager to talk to him more. Now that I feel more relaxed, I’m into the date. I want to learn more about him. I want to know what makes him tick.

“I love to surf.” He says and it’s my turn to gasp in surprise. I wasn’t expecting him to say that. Now my answer seems so lazy and uninteresting. He’s freaking surfs as a hobby.

“Where do you surf around here? We don’t have an ocean anywhere near.” I say trying to figure out where he could be doing this.

“The ocean is not that too far away, I dive down all the time.” He says smiling at me confidently.

“You drive for over 4 hours to go catch some waves?” I ask and he laughs, like really laugh. I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything too funny.

“Catch some waves?” He asks still laughing. “Yes I do drive down there. It’s worth the trouble. I love to surf with my whole hear.”  He says and I can hear the passion in his voice.

“That’s incredible.” I say smiling. “In fact it sounds like so much fun.” I say looking at him closely. He’s an interesting person. He has me intrigued, I feel like I could learn a lot from him and I would have fun with him.

“It really is.” He says and suddenly I’m overcome with this feeling of awareness. Someone I know is coming our way. I can’t tell from which direction, the dark night is making my senses slow. Not that I mind being seeing with him in public but this energy is different. It’s making me feel uneasy.

“Hi Ry.” Oliver says standing in front of us. He looks at me smiling and then he turns to Trevor scowling at him.  He looks at him up and down sizing him up.

“Oliver.” I say a little more aggressively than I intended to. Trevor looks at me surprise written all over his face.