Chapter 3 - Bargaining

“How are you today?” Oliver says standing behind me. I look up at him and he smiles. “I heard you were in detention today.” He says sitting next to me. It feels weird having him sit next to me after all that’s happened. My body is still very aware of him; every part of my being is in tune with him. My first instinct is to stand up and hug, kiss him and you know embrace him.

I want it more now that we’ve been closer to each other. Now that I know what it feels like to fall asleep on his lap. What it feels like to kiss him. No matter how much I tell myself that I don’t want t be with him, the sound of his voice always takes me back to those desires.

But the situation is not the same anymore is it? He and I crossed a line we can never go back to. We can’t really be friends because there are too many feelings there. And we can’t really ignore each other because of the same feelings. We’re in a weird place right now and the whole Trevor thing has added so much tension to an already fraught situation.

“Yes I was.” I say looking at him cautiously. I don’t know what he’s going to do or say. I don’t even know why he’s here; I bet he came here to tell me off about going out with Trevor. He probably waited for this very moment to tell me to go screw myself. He was so pissed yesterday; the look in his eyes was lethal.

But I really don’t want to get into it with him right now. I want a peaceful and drama free lunch. I came to the school garden to chill out after my little trip to detention. Kelly has to prep for a test so she’s in the library doing a last minute run through of her notes. I appreciate this moment of calm. Kelly is acting weird and I don’t know why. I feel like she needed a break from me as much as I needed it. That conversation was taxing and overwhelming and I don’t even know why.

I feel like my date with Trevor has turned in to a sore topic over night. I don’t feel any happiness or support from her. I could let her know that I feel that way but I couldn’t be bothered. I don’t need her support to have a good time with a decent guy. Trevor is sweet to me and that’s all that matters.

“What happened?” He asks opening his backpack, taking out his lunchbox. He sits back looking at the flowers in front of us. I can’t read him right now, he’s sitting comfortably, there is no tension in his body but there is something in his eyes that tells me he’s playing this very cool. His behavior is making me feel uneasy. I was expecting him to go all the way off. I was prepared for that. This is very unexpected.

I go back to eating my lunch; I don’t want to feed into his energy. I’m already too connected to him as is. I don’t need his anger and disappointment. Those are emotions that serve no purpose to me. “Kelly and I were talking in class. The new substitute teacher doesn’t like people talking in class.” I say and he raises his brows at me.

“That doesn’t sound like you at all.” He says and I nod. I guess I should be grateful that he’s choosing to keep things casual. It would be weird talking to him about my love life. I know that he hates the fact that I went on a date with someone else. There really isn’t something else to talk about is there?

“This was my first time in detention, my heart couldn’t handle it.”  I say and he laughs. “My mother won’t believe me when I tell her.” I add and he shakes his head at me.

“There’s a first time for everything.” He says looking at me sideways. There is so much emotion in his eyes right now. I want to look away but I don’t. I wish I knew what is making him look at me like that. I know he’s angry at me but is it a look of longing that I see in his eyes?

“Going to detention is a first I would rather not have.” I say and he looks at me smiling. “What’s with that smile?” I ask when he continues to smile looking at me.

“I’m just wondering how many more firsts are you yet to have.” He says and I look at him thoughtful. I’m never counted how many I still need to have.

“Well I still have to buy my first car.” I say and he smiles. “”I don’t know what’s keeping me from doing it. I say looking at him for the answer. Why in the hell would I ask him about my feelings?

“You’re scared to take your savings and make such a big purchase. I know how scary it is to give someone else your hard earned money.” He says not missing a beat. I nod realizing that that’s it.

I have the money to buy the car for myself but I always find an excuse not to buy a car. I want to have a car but I want to keep my money too. I hate spending money I saved. I wish I had extra cash lying around to buy this car.

“That’s exactly my problem. I can’t imagine letting o of so much money.” I say and he smiles.

“What other firsts do you want to have?”  He says looking away.

“I want to have true love.” I say and he looks back at me. I smile and look away. I don’t know why I said that out loud. I’ve been thinking about it but I wasn’t planning on blurting it out.

“I think I want that too.” He says taking me by surprise. “You seem to be on right track.” He says and I look back at him.

“What do you mean?” I ask even though I know what he’s getting at. He’s talking about Trevor.

“Your date last night, you looked happy and you looked like you like him.” He says smiling at me.

“He’s a nice guy.” I say and chuckles a little.

“Is that what you’re looking for, a nice guy?” He asks turning his body toward me so that he is looking at me directly.

“Yes, that’s a good quality to look for in person.” I say looking back at him.

“I don’t know how to be a good guy.” He says smiling sadly.

“I don’t think that’s true.” I say and he laughs.

“If that were true, I would have been the one on a date with you last night.” He says and I raise my brows at him in surprise. I didn’t think he would take it here.

“You never asked me out on a date, that’s why you were not the on a date with me last night.” I say and he sighs.

“Well I can’t really ask you on a date now can I?” He says and I laugh shaking my head at him. Why is he doing this to me right now?

“Why can’t you ask me on a date now?” I ask even though I don’t want to know the answer. He has time to play games and I don’t want to be part of this. Like Kelly said seeing me on a date with someone else is making him jealous and all of a sudden he wanted to go out with me. He wasn’t interested in all that before.

“It won’t come across as genuine; you’re going think I’m only asking you because of the other guy.” He says reading my mind like he always does. It’s like he’s always having a conversation with the inner me. Anything I say with my mouth doesn’t register to him. I still find his mind reading tricks very creepy.

“Am I wrong in thinking that?” I ask and he nods yes. I know in my heart that I’m right for feeling this way. There’s no way he’s saying these things because he likes me and he wants to spend time with me. He just hates competition.

“You are very wrong. I want to go out with you because I like to spend time with you. Not because of some guy.” He says and I make a face at him. I don’t believe him one bit, whey the sudden I want to go out with you. This is like the kiss; he’s going to regret it as soon as it happens. He acts on emotion and then he expects me to just take it.

“I don’t know. I feel like…” I say and trail off. I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t believe you? I don’t but does that mean I have to tell him that? I don’t know how to deal with this, I don’t know how to tell him how I feel without turning this into a full on fight.

“You want to know what I think?” he says looking at me.

“What?” I say and he smiles.

“I think you have an idea of how this is supposed to go.” He says pointing at him and I. “And you are not willing to accept any other version of what is supposed to happen.” He says and I feel my face get hot. So much for no fighting, he’s picking one with me right now.

“You had a timeline on when, where and how I was supposed to ask you out. When I was supposed to kiss you and all those romantic things I was supposed to do and I didn’t.” he says pausing for a bit. “You will never accept the fact that I really and truly want to spend time with you. I missed you deadline.” He says and I just look at him shocked.

“That was a lot of information for me to process.” I say and he smiles. “I don’t see how I could have put a clock on you because you and I were never a thing.” I say staring at him.

“I’m not talking about then, I’m talking about after we had our first kiss. You put a timer on everything that was supposed to happen following the kiss. You were expecting me to be the fantasy in your head.” He says and I sigh in frustration.

“Why are we talking about this Oliver? Why are we having this conversation right now?” I ask frustrated with him. I don’t know why he feels the need to accuse me of this. It won’t change anything.

“I want to take you out on a date.” He says smiling at me. I hear the words he’s saying but I’m not registering the meaning. My heart is pounding and the sound is stopping me from making sense of anything right now.

“You’re giving me a headache.” I say getting up from the bench. “One minute you’re hot and the other you’re cold.” He reaches out and grabs my arm. My heart starts beating the moment his skin makes contact with mine.

“Give me one date.” He says brushing my arm softly. “Give me one chance to be that guy.” He says looking up at me.

“I don’t think that will change anything.” I say and he groans in frustration. “You and can never work. You know it and I know it.” I say and he shakes his head in disagreement. I’m not surprised; I didn’t expect him to agree with me anyway.

“Don’t count me out before you’ve given me a chance to prove myself.” He says getting up standing so close to me.

“Can I think about it?” I say taking a step away from him. I need to create some distance between us before he convinces me to done things I shouldn’t.