CHAPTER FOUR

I wake the next morning to his warmth.

I do not want to get up.

I want to stay here forever.

I don't want to leave this cabin.

I don't want anything to change.

But somehow, I know it will.

I sit up and peer down at him.

I run my fingers through his hair.

He looks so peaceful.

I bring my knees to my chest and stare out the window.

Lucas rolls onto his side.

He opens his eyes and smiles at me.

I force a smile.

He sits up and wraps his arms around me.

I watch Lucas.

I don't say anything.

I am so angry with Christine.

I know it is not her fault. But still.

I know that Lucas is not mine. And I wouldn't know that if it wasn't for her. And if I didn't know that, I could still pretend that it wasn't true.

I don't want to lose what we have. I love him.

I hear a knock on the door.

I look up.

"Who's that?" I ask.

Lucas hears it too.

He goes to answer it.

I hear him speaking.

I can't make out the words.

Then there is another voice.

I hear Christine's voice again.

"What is going on?" I ask.

"I don't know," he says.

He opens the door.

Christine walks in.

I glare at her.

She glares back.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"Marla," Lucas says.

"It is okay," she says.

"Why?" he asks.

"Because Marla and I will be leaving."

"No!" I cry.

"Yes," she says. "I've had enough."

"Enough of what?" I ask.

"You. This whole situation. I can't stand it anymore."

"What is wrong with you?" I ask.

Lucas takes my arm.

"Let's go for a walk," he says.

"I don't want to," I say.

"Please. I need to talk to you."

I nod.

I follow him outside.

The sun is bright.

It hurts my eyes.

I hate the sun.

He turns to me.

"I don't want you to go," he says.

"I know. Neither do I."

"But you have to," he says.

I take a step back.

"What are you saying?"

"We only have one choice."

"What choice?" I ask.

"You need to return to your pack. And I need to stay here. We can't be together."

I gasp.

"I won't do that," I say.

"I am sorry," he says.

"Why can't we be together?" I ask.

"Because it is not possible. I would be kicked out of the pack. Or worse."

"Worse?"

"If I stay here, I will lose you forever. And I don't want that. Not at all. So I have to send you away."

"That's what you really want?" I ask.

"No! What I want is for you to stay."

"So why can't I?"

He shakes his head.

"Because it is not possible. You will be sent back. And if you don't go, they will come and get you. I cannot bear to lose you. So please. Just go."

"I won't go," I say.

He takes my hand.

"You must," he says.

"What if I don't?"

"I will send you back myself."

I pull my hand away.

I cross my arms.

"You have to go."

"I won't."

He frowns.

"Please. I do not want to lose you."

"You don't want to keep me either," I say.

"That's not true."

"I won't be your side piece," I insist.

"That's not what I'm asking you to do," he says. "Please. If you could just go. For a little while. I need time to figure things out."

"No," I say.

"You don't understand," he says.

"I don't care. I'm not leaving."

"You have to!"

He grabs me by the arm.

He holds me to him.

He kisses me.

His kisses are usually sweet and soft.

But this time he is rough.

He grabs my hair.

He pulls on it.

He bites my lip.

He holds me there.

I try to pull away.

But he won't let go.

Just as I am about to cry, he lets me go.

He looks at me.

He says nothing.

I have never felt more betrayed.

I turn and run away.

I can't look at him.

I can't think about this.

I run so fast that I don't even feel the wind on my face.

I can't hear anything but my own breathing.

My heart is pounding.

I run until I can't run anymore.

I collapse and sit in the shallow water on the side of the river.

I stare out at the water for a long time.

I see fish swimming by.

There is a bird flying overhead.

But I hardly notice them.

I don't care about them.

I feel so alone.

I miss him.

I miss his arms around me.

I miss his eyes and his lips.

And I hate myself.

I did this to myself.

I should have never come here.

I should have never let him kiss me.

I should have never let him hold me.

I should have never…

I hear a splash.

I look over to see a moose swimming in the river.

I watch him for a long time.

I wonder if I would be better off as a moose.

I wonder if they ever feel alone.

I lift my hand to my face.

I can still feel him on my lips.

I still taste him in my mouth.

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

I stand up.

I walk to the edge of the river.

I close my eyes.

I take a step forward.

I take another step.

The water is up to my knees.

I take another step.

My toes are touching the rocks beneath the water. They are smooth and the water is warm, and for a moment, I feel better.

And then, I remember Lucas. I remember the way his skin glistened in the moonlight--the way his lips felt as they brushed mine.

I am distraught. Distracted. So I don't notice how deep the water is getting.

Not until it is too late.