CHAPTER SIX

I take a step back, stunned, and a branch crunches underneath my feet.

I curse myself and my clumsiness. I want to run away before they see me here, but I'm afraid it's too late. The noise has given me away.

I'm right. They both stop and turn to face my direction immediately.

"Marla!" Julie exclaims. "You're up!"

She sounds surprised, but also relieved.

Lucas says nothing. He just looks at me. I try to return his gaze, but there's too much hurt inside me.

My eyes start to fill with tears.

And my legs begin to tremble.

I start to feel dizzy, and my head begins to spin.

Lucas walks over to me and reaches out his hand.

"It's ok," he says softly. "Come here."

He leads me to the blanket and helps me sit down. I don't want to see Julie or Lucas, but I have nowhere to look but at them.

"I don't know how she got out of bed," Julie says, "but I'm glad she did. I was worried."

"You should be resting," Lucas says.

He seems genuinely concerned, and I find myself wondering if I've been wrong about him this whole time. Maybe he's not a monster. Maybe he's come back for me. Maybe we'll finally be able to be together.

"Marla," Julie says, "This is Lucas, my mate. I've told him all about you--- how I found you in the water and rescued you. He's been worried, too."

A lump forms in my throat. I swallow and try to speak, but no words come out.

"You saved my life," I say. "I'm so grateful to you."

I don't know what else to say. I look at Julie's beautiful face and I'm overcome with love for her. I don't want to betray her or hurt her. But if she knew about Lucas and me-- what we were-- I know it would break her heart.

I didn't know about her. He never told me. But still, I feel as though I've done something wrong.

Julie smiles. She reaches over and rubs my hair. "I'm glad you're ok," she says. And then she turns and looks at Lucas, and her face is full of love.

And I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Julie looks at me with such concern. "Marla, are you ok?" she asks.

I try to speak, but I can't. I can't say anything. I can't face the two of them. I can't even face myself.

"I--I think I need to go back to the cabin and lay back down," I say.

Julie offers to come with me, but I won't let her. I rush off, leaving her confused.

As I walk through the forest and back to the meadow, everything seems duller and grayer. The flowers are droopy and sad. The trees are bare and lifeless. Even the sky is lifeless. It's as if no color is left in the world.

I walk back to my cabin and shut the door behind me.

I fall onto the bed and start to cry.

I cry for Lucas. And I cry for the love I thought we had.

And I cry for Julie because I know he'll break her heart. I know he'll destroy everything she's ever believed in. Just like he did to me.

I spend the next few days locked in my room.

I try to rest, to sleep, to do anything but think about Julie and Lucas.

But I can't.

Every time I close my eyes, I see them together. I see them talking and laughing and kissing, and I feel sick all over again.

I want to hate Julie for taking him away from me, but I can't hate. It's not her fault. It's Lucas's. And I can't hate him either because I still love him. I still love him so much it hurts.

I curse myself because I wish the pain would go away.

And when it doesn't, I think of ending my life.

I can't do it though. I don't want to die.

Eventually, I realize I have to leave. I can't stay here in this cabin with Julie and pretend that nothing is wrong. I can't stay here and watch Lucas love another woman.

I have to leave because staying here is killing me, but I have nowhere to go.

I can't imagine my pack will take me back. Not after what I did to Dean. And my mother, she must be furious. I'm not even sure she'd still be willing to speak with me.

And there's Lucas. I can't go back to him. Not after seeing him with Julie.

I can't go backwards, and I can't move forwards. I feel as if I'm stuck between two worlds and neither of them want me. But I can't stay here either.

So, I go back to the meadow and decide to sleep outside. The grass is soft and inviting, but I can't sleep.

I lie awake for hours, staring at the stars.

And then, I see a flash of white light moving through the sky. It's a shooting star, and I make a wish.

I wish for a place where I feel safe and loved-- a home where I can rest and forget everything.

It's a stupid wish, I know. But I feel so helpless and hopeless, I don't know what else to do. I close my eyes, and I think of that place and imagine it around me. I imagine a roof over my head and walls around me and I imagine the sun rising and setting and the moon dancing through the sky. And then, I imagine flowers growing and birds singing and soft winds blowing.

The vision is so vivid it almost feels real. I open my eyes and half expect to see it materialize in front of me. But it doesn't. Because that's not how life works.

I am alone with no one to love me and nowhere to go. And no amount of wishing is going to change that.