Prologue

Intoxicated

Sa bawat pagbukas ng iba’t ibang pinto ng buhay at sa bawat laman nito na maaring masasabi ko na “swerte” ang napili kong tahakin, itong pagkakataon na ito ay hindi ko pinili, pero ginusto ko. The room I peeked through was never the calm like ambiance of a café, or warmth that came from a loving household. Mainit dahil sa mga sigawan ng mga pumupusta, nangingibabaw ang tunog ng mga hingal at suntok, amoy lalaki, pawis, alak kahalo ng sigarilyo at droga na taliwas sa inaasahan.

You'd just peak me in the far corner untouched and unperturbed, never the admirable type. That's how my life is for the past years I switched it all off and entered this den. Sa bawat laban, literal na pawis at dugo ang puhunan sa bawat laban.

“Tapos ka na sa quota ngayong araw? Nakarami ka na ata ah?” papalapit na sabi ni Rick kasabay ng sarkastikong tawa. Tumabi siya sa ‘kin ng tayo sa isa sa poste sa gilid, tinanaw namin ang arena sa gitna.

Hindi ako sumagot, patuloy ko lang pinagma-masdan ang dalawang nagpapalitan ng mga suntok, tadyak at sipa.

“Matatalo bata mo ngayon ah? Hina niyo ata ngayong araw.” at ayan nanaman ‘yung nakaka-suya niyang tawa habang nagsisindi ng sigarilyo.

Nakakairita.

“Hindi kita kailangan dito at wala akong pake sa mga pinagsasabi mo, umalis ka na. Kung hindi malunok ng pride mo na natalo kita kahapon, ‘yang hini-hipak mo na lang pwede ba!?” inis nang sabi ko. Masyadong nakakairita mga tao ngayon, mas lalo pa kong nawala sa hulog dahil sa isa niya pang tawa bago umalis. Rick got defeated from our last match today.

I sighed.

Slowly groping my way to search through the roaring thirst of our “audiences”, mga hayok sa laman ang mga batikang tao, politiko na handang lumustay ng pera para sa libangan na ‘to, hanggang sa maging pustahan. I learned to live within my own way of entertaining them, by throwing my life at this fuck up hell hole, para sa pera, kailangan kong mabuhay. The dark alley ways led me to these two dumb shit.

“Anong klaseng laban ‘yon? Napag-usapan na natin ‘to kahapon ah!?” inis na tadyak ko kay Tim, wala akong pake kahit may tama pa katawan niya.

“Put-! Alam naming naghahabol tayo sa pwesto na ‘yon para makaalis na dito, pero Cali,” bumuntong hininga siya at hinawakan ako sa braso, may mga bahid pa rin mula sa isang laban kanina. “Ginagawa namin lahat, pero hindi rin masama magpahinga.” hindi ako makatingin.

“Mainit lagi mga normal na laban, pero etong gusto na‘tin maabot nakakapaso. Let’s condition ourselves for a while, Cali.” paki-usap ni Paul. I nodded, defeated.

These two has been my companion, my persons. That night when I lost my dad on a car accident after his argument with my mom, I also lost my mom mentally and physically. Hindi ko na siya maka-usap ng maayos, bumigay na rin ang katawan niya dahil sa complications. I was just 16 that time, when Tim and Paul saw me being dragged out of the convenience store I previously worked on. Marami akong naging part time job, para sa ‘min ni mommy, pero etong underground battle ang pinaka-madumi at nakaka-ubos sa lahat.

But in order for us to climb higher and to get out of this den, our big bosses organized a game. Madumi pa ring sistema para kumita ng pera, pero malayo sa masasahol na tao dito. Being able to be part of a mafia team will surely give us more protection in terms of identity and beyond classified tasks, unlike here where we need to fight for as long as we can a day.

“Isang talo pa, mauungusan na nila tayo sa ranking.” malamig kong sinabi, hindi pinapahalata ang kaunting kaba.

“Alam naming, sa susunod pa naman na araw ulit ang laban para sa laro. Magpahinga muna tayo bukas.” Paul suggested as if this is a corporate world he’s pertaining to.

No fight, no pay, walang maintenance para kay mommy.

Umirap ako, napatingin si Tim

“Lalaban ka pa bukas!?” parang galit pa ang ugok.

“Malamang, paubos na gamot ni mommy.” umalis ako sa tabi nila at dumiretso sa locker para magpalit ng damit.

I felt disgusted, pinaghalong pawis at dugo ang bakas ng putting racerback na suot ko, ang dumi rin sa pakiramdam ng cargo pants. I grabbed some things to change into, not minding the different eyes that are like daggers sami’ng tatlo.

Nawala ang ingay dahil sa taong nakatayo sa gilid ko, pinagmamasdan lang akong matapos pero wala akong balak makipag-plastikan dito. Lalampasan na sana siya pagka-sarado ko ng locker nang pigilan niya ‘ko.

I lazily looked up at him, “Nalunok mo na ba usok ng hipak o’ yung pride mo?” sarkastikong natawa si Rick.

“Mayabang ka talaga e’ ‘no? tignan na’tin yabang mo bukas.” may pahiwatig na sambit niya.

“Umalis ka na sa harap ko, puntahan mo na mga bata mo’ng iyakin ‘pag wala ka sa tabi nila.” naiinip na sambit ko. Ligong ligo na ‘ko kulang pa pala ganap niya kanina.

“May bagong salta, pero lalaban agad para sa Quest.” mayabang na ani niya.

Paul knows that I’m getting bored, he stepped forward and held my right shoulder.

“Umalis ka na lang kung makiki-chismis ka dito.” tinanggal ko pagkakahawak niya at nilagpasan silang lahat.

“Matatalo lang kayo!” sigaw pa niya as if threatened kami.

I stepped in for a warm bath soothing my sore body. Kasabay ng pag-agos ng shower, ay ang pagtulo ng luha ko.

Natatakot ako.

But it didn’t last that much, composing myself. I continued showering and prepared for dinner.

“Tagal mo! Gutom na kami.” reklamo ni Tim at nauna na naglakad palabas.

Sinabayan ako maglakad ni Paul pero hindi ko siya pinansin. “Are you okay? Umiyak ka ba?” pang-uusisa niya pa, hindi ko siya sinagot. Alam na niya ‘yon, ayoko’ng kinakausap at wala sa hulog ‘pag ganito.

Ang daan namin palabas ay iisang hallway lang sa arena. The roaring hungers for violence of these people are more…untamed.

“Sino naglalaban?” tanong sa hangin ni Tim, may mga ibang miyembro rin na nagpupunta sa stadium.

The two proceeds their way to watch what’s happening inside. Wala akong choice kung hindi sumunod. Mas maingay at mas mainit nga talaga ang laban ngayon. Patapos na dahil halatang hindi na kaya ‘nung isa.

After 2 more hits, the one with a brown-ish hair won against that black haired guy. Naka-tagilid siya sa gawi naming, pero sa pagharap niya saktong nag tama mata namin.

He’s not familiar, bagong salta nga.

“Kinakabahan ka na ba para bukas Calithea?” pagtabi sa ‘kin ng tayo ni Rick.

I didn’t answer him, and still haven’t breaking the eye contact with who’s in the middle of the arena right now.

I counted 1 to 3, hitting 3 leads me out of that room.

As the ray of moon shines lit that corner where we are sitting from a diner we're seated. It contradicts the dark thoughts sipping through me, the 'what if's' building up, and the agitation starts to cloud me like a storm I’m trying to condemn, because it'll damage me.

"Cali!" I blinked when Paul called my attention a little louder.

Napa-'huh?' na lang ako, umo-order na pala sila.

"We called you thrice already, anong gusto mo kako?" he seems worried. "Sure ka bang lalaban ka bukas? Pwede namang 'wag na lang muna, mukhang hindi na kaya ng katawan mo eh." umiwas ako ng tingin.

"Kahit ano na lang." dodging his second sentiments.

They both sighed.

The food arrived, it's past dinner time. 'Kumain na kaya si mama...' I'm trying to finish my food a little faster than these two na nagchi-chismisan pa. Nakikinig lang naman ako at hindi na nakikisali, wala akong gana.

"Mukhang malakas yung bagong salta, hindi na nakatayo si Arman kanina eh." mukhang natatawa pang ani ni Tim, nagka-initan kasi 'yang dalawa dati.

"Pa'no ba 'yon nakapasok? Akala ko ba hindi na tumatanggap ng bago dahil nga nagsimula na 'yung conquest last week pa." pagtataka ni Paul at do'n niya nakuha atensyon.

Our underground battle field has been around since 10 years ago, I heard that it's being run of about 10 mafia bosses. No one knows who're the 'boss of bosses', of course we're just a mere ant worker here trying to progressively climb from the gutter and having any details regarding them is beyond impossible, except if you've reached the victory of the conquest. Which you'll get to have a chance to be one of the mafias, malinis na bakas, mas maduming sistema.

The conquest is a game organized the by the bosses every end of the year, it has a duration of 1 week. Each teams will be composed of 3-5 members, depende kung anong lakas ng bawat miyembro para maging complementary ang team. 10 teams will fight, 5 wins will make your spot for the finals. 4 na panalo namin, isa na lang...

Pero tama siya, hindi na dapat tumanggap ng bago dahil exclusive na lang para sa conquest lahat hanggang matapos ang taon.

"Sino raw ba 'yon? baka may kapit?" tanong ni Tim, napa-isip na rin.

"Hindi ko alam, pero sigurado akong hindi siya ka-level natin. Iba lakas niya, pati paglaban, masyadong madumi." spekulasyon naman ni Paul.

'Yon din ang napansin ko, normally umaabot pa ng 3 rounds bago talagang masabi na "bagsak" na ang kalaban, pero una pa lang talo na agad.

Bringing the take out for my mom on my right hand and the other one rested on my pocket. Hindi pa sobrang late, pero masyadong tahimik ang paligid pauwi sa'min ngayon. I can hear the leaves swaying due to the rhythm of the wind, the typical night sounds, and my steps. Pero may kakaiba...

"Ma! Ako na d'yan!" agap ko kay mama na naglilinis sa kusina. Masyado nang mahina ang katawan niya, hindi lang dahil sa katandaan pati na rin sa sakit na alam kong iniinda niya, ayaw lang magpa-check up.

"Oh Calithea! Nakauwi ka na pala, kaya ko naman." she gave me a smile. Hinahawakan niya ang pisngi ko, iniwas ko ito. "Gamutin na'tin 'yang sugat mo." kada uuwi ako, bagong bangas parati.

"Kumain ka na po ba?" umiling siya, nahabag ako.

I let her eat the food I brought while I started cleaning around our small apartment. 'Eto lang kaya ng kinikita ko, 18 na 'ko pero hindi makahanap ng matinong trabaho dahil ang underground battle na ang naging puhunan ko.

I still feel uneasy, na may nakamasid. Pinag-pahinga ko na si mama at nagpaalam muna na may bibilhin lang.

"Ah!" inda neto nang maabutan ko sa may hagdaanan pababa.

I pushed him at the wall after a punch, "Sino nagpadala sayo!?" tanong ko sabay diin pa sa kwelyo niya.

Ngumisi lang ang tarantado, "Bayad ako, pati pananahimik ko." pang-aasar pa niya.

I kicked his stomach, starting to get irritated. "Ilan kayo ngayon!? Imposibleng ikaw lang sumugod dito mag-isa" tanong ko habang nakaluhod na siya sa pinakababa ng hagdan.

I'm trying to remember where I saw him or if he's also a fighter, pero hindi ko talaga ma-mukhaan.

"Hindi ka taga underground." it was not even a question, plainly a statement that I’m sure of. "Sino nagpadala sa'yo!?" ulit ko pa, iba ang kutob ko.

"The boss." he smirked and started towering me. Nabakas niya ang gulat sa mukha ko, "Malakas ka nga, pero tignan natin pag nakaharap mo na siya." hindi ko naagapan ang sipa niya.

I dodged my opponents' kick this time, unlike last night where I'd almost passed out. I can hear the roaring of beasts inside this arena, the hunger for money where they'd placed their bets, and outraging power of every single one of them.

This den I’m so sick of.

A double kick and I heard my team earned the last place for finals. Kami ang lalaban sa finals, laban sa bagong salta na tinatawag nilang Theon. I don't know if it's his name, as if I care in the first place.

Malakas na tawa ang sinalubong sa'kin ni Tim sabay yakap “Isa na lang! sana hindi na sumabit sa makalawa." ani niya.

"Ikaw lang naman muntik magpatalo kanina!" sabay batok, "'Yon talaga literal na sabit, bobo mo eh." na totoo naman. Muntik na nga kami matalo dahil sa laban niya kanina.

The final game will be held the day after tomorrow, it's a match among all the members inside the arena. ‘Yon lang ang pagkakataon na magkakaroon ng maraming maglalaban sa isang laro. It'll be a fair game since Theon's team also composed of 2 more guys. Ewan ko sa'n niya napulot 'yang dalawa.

Hindi makatingin sa grupo namin sila Rick, isang tapon pa ng tingin ko sa kanila saka sila umalis. Theon's team takes their advances.

As far as I know, this will be the first time that we've face each other’s asses.

Walang nagsasalita sa pagitan namin, nasa loob pa rin kami ng ring at maingay ang lahat pero nananatili kaming tahimik.

"I guess good luck?" mayabang na sabi no'ng isang nasa kanan ni Theon.

"There'll be a small drinking session tomorrow night, are y'all gonna come?" anyaya ni Theon habang nakatingin sa'kin. Tinalikuran ko lang sila, sumunod naman 'yung dalawa.

"Pupunta ka ba?" maingat na pagtatanong ni Paul habang nagpapahinga ako sa isa sa bench ng locker area, nakatakip ang braso sa mata ko.

"Aasikasuhin ko pa si mama, hindi ako umuwi kahapon 'di ba." walang ganang sabi ko, the two sighed.

And I did go home a couple of hours, that feeling of being watch by is still there. 'Di ko na lang muna pinagtuunan ng pansin dahil naabutan ko si mama na ubo nang ubo habang nakayuko at hawak ang dibdib sa lababo.

"Ma!" I rushed to attend her, I saw some blood on her hands pero hinugasan niya 'yon. "Ayos ka lang ma? pa-check up na tayo baka bukas pa ospital ngayon." pagpupumilit ko.

"Kumain ka na ba? nagluto ako kanina." pagsasawalang bahala niya at nagsimula nang maghain para sa'kin.

"Ako na po." I finally happened to make her seat. I did some house work for the rest of the night.

I'm making my mother snuggle her comforter, when I received a text. Hindi ako gumagamit ng cellphone masyado, pag emergency lang. It's from an unknown number.

'Will you come?'

May idea na 'ko pero ipinagsawalang bahala ko ito. I held my mother's slim hand while she sleeps soundedly. A couple of minutes when I managed to stand up, I sighed and reached the door.

As the silence embraces the night that moment I went out my mom's room, it contradicts the loud booze and pumps of the stereo at my chest when I closed the door behind me. This is more of a wild crowd, but a bit toned down compared to those inside a match.

Hindi ko alam kung andito 'yung dalawa, dumiretso na lang ako sa bar counter. I ordered a shot, I’m about to drink it when I felt someone's presence beside me.

"So you actually came?" Theon seems fascinated.

"What do you want?" I asked and went for another shot ignoring him.

"Come on! Loose some screws, will you? Masyado kang mainit kahit sa labas ng laban." he chuckled.

Walang kwenta.

Continuing to take some shots, but I stopped by 5. Alam kong mababa lang alcohol tolerance ko, hard pa naman 'to. I ordered a cocktail after, and just slowly sip through it.

Hindi pa rin umaalis sa tabi ko si Theon tahimik lang kaming umiinom parehas.

"What do I want?" breaking the silence between us. I'm watching the crowd, he's watching me.

"You" napatingin ako sa kanya, "Losing everything, the game, what you've been working to earn for." yumuko siya.

"What do you mean?" 'di ko na napigilan magsalita, naka-kunot noo.

Lasing na ba 'to? Anong pinagsasabi niya.

"But I promised, that whatever you lose will still be a victory of yours, even if it means as my lost." he looked at me with a sleepy eyes. Lasing nga.

Tatayo na sana ako para magtawag kung sino pwede mag-uwi sa kanya pero hinili niya 'ko para halikan.

Loud stereos I was uncomfortable with when I entered has got me drowned in my senses, the loud cheers for those who are dancing in the middle, the make out session here and there, the smell of cigarettes, alcohol, and weed, I am intoxicated. And as much as I feel this foreign feeling, I am drowned, drugged, and drunk by his kisses.

I don't what pushes me, but I responded to his kisses, to his advances. We're getting heated, it's not the alcohol anymore. He guided me through the VIP rooms near the bar counter. I'm holding my dearest sanity through his hair and nape, but his hold on my waist in a sensual manner makes me dizzy and hot at the same time.

The alcohol abruptly kicked in so I almost stumbled with my feet, good thing he quickly grab my waist and elbow for support before I throw my whole body before we even entered the room. The growing pit of heat between us as he hungrily devoured me. This is the only time I feel weak, and loses my control, I let my hands drape down to his nape as he settled on top of me.

It's a domineering strange of pain he gave with every thrust that progressively comes with pleasure, hearing the stereos and still the wild night of this party as we are here on a bed and as it thumps through the wall with our moans creating melodies of passionate night.

He fell asleep, but I didn't after that one night stand.

Shit!

May laban pa 'ko bukas, and I feel so sore. Hinayaan ko lang siyang matulog habang nagmamadali akong magbihis at umalis. Narinig kong may tumawag sa'kin pero lumabas na 'ko kaagad at umuwi.

Saka lang ako na-hulas no'ng nasa taxi na pauwi, madaling araw na.

"Bakit parang pagod na pagod ka naman ata?" bungad ni Tim pagkapasok ko sa assigned quarters namin, finale na ng conquest.

Tinignan lang ako ni Paul hindi na dinagdagan pa pang-uusisa ni Tim.

"Anong oras daw laban?" hindi ko pinansin tanong niya.

"Saktong 12 noon." sagot niya, "Sa tingin mo aabot tayo hanggang 5 rounds?" mukhang kabado siya ngayon, lahat kami. Walang sumagot sa kanya.

The crowd grew louder as the commentor announced our arrival, this will be either my last step inside this ring or not.

"I saw you." pagsasalita ni Paul sa tabi ko "With Theon last night" pero hindi na niya dinagdagan kung ano pa nakita niya, he seems hurt or I don't know.

I can still feel my soreness, but I need to get through this. We're introduced while entering the ring.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event. The Conquest!" and they all cheered like some hungry hyenas in the wild. "The contenders, Lunaria Annua’s team and Sharp Lance’s team that will duel for today's finale." after some instructions, the match begins.

I couldn't concentrate, it’s me against Theo.

"Why did you leave?" he asked. Hindi ko bakit nakikipag-usap 'to sa gitna ng laban.

Hindi ko siya pinansin. I threw multiple punches, and kicks. Sinasalo niya lang.

"Anong ginagawa mo!?" sigaw ko sa kaniya.

The ring belled, 3rd round na. I took a bench break. "Anong nangyayari?" I shrugged, nagkatitigan kami ni Paul.

Paul mustered to win against Klyde, may isa na silang lagas. Theon and I continued to fight, I think he got his senses knocked off, he's fighting now. Hanggang sa kami na lang natira. Last round, it’ll be either my down fall or not.

My last blow of punch in the remaining time, he didn't dodge it. I won. We won.

We entered a smoked glass door on this tall building 3 days after the conquest. Wearing a corporate suit, we'll meet the 'bosses' for formalities regarding our training as one of their mafia teams. Heading to the front to bow, I raised my head, and I saw Theon in the middle.

I didn't show my shock, the two gasps. I knew someone's up with him. He's the 'Mafia Chairman' according to the pin on his coat. The meeting have this cold air, we remained stoic.

"Alam mo ba 'to!?" singhal ni Tim.

"Kumalma ka nga!? Bakit parang sinisisi mo si Calithea!?" pasaring ni Paul sa kaniya, umiling lang si Tim.

"Wala akong alam." pagtatapos ko. I walked out of the empty hallway, finding my way out I entered the elevator. May dalawa pang matanda ang pumasok, yumuko lang ako.

"'Yong anak ni Ricardo daw ang nanalo?" shocked as I heard my father's name. "Buti naman nanalo anak niya, naalala ko pa pa'no siya nagwala no'n matapos niyang matalo." at tumawa sila.

Miyembro rin si papa...?

"Alam ko pinatay daw ni Theon 'di ba? Mabuti ngang sa kan'ya napunta pamamahala, umayos sistema kahit papa'no." sang ayon naman ng isa.

Hindi ako makagalaw, malapit na kami sa ground floor. Pinindot ko ulit pabalik sa 50th floor, kung saan kami nag-meeting. Anxiously tapping my heels on the floor, I stormed out when I reached the conference room that's ajar.

I was about to enter, ready to confront him when I saw Paul and Tim, they're talking tapping each other's shoulder. What was their act earlier…

"Narinig ko kanina na ikaw daw pumatay sa tatay ni Calithea para maging Chairman?" tanong ni Tim. Kanino niya narinig 'yon?

Tinitigan lang siya ni Theon sabay tapon ng tingin sa'kin, a lone tear fell on my eyes as I rushed out. Aalis kami ni mama dito, may napanalunan akong cash prize, makakapag-simula na kami dito.

I immediately booked a flight with my shaking hands sa taxi pa lang, kinakabahan ako dahil pwedeng maunahan nila ako sa susunod kong plano dahil mas makapangyarihan sila.

I’ve finally arrived home, magulo, sira mga gamit. Wala si mama. May nakita akong bakas ng dugo sa sahig ng kwarto pero hindi ko alam kung kanino. I heard car screeches out, I run from the back door.

I saw them getting out of the cars, but I run through the opposite direction. Arriving at my gate anxiously, kung saan-saan umiikot mata ko, nagmamasid. Settling on my plane seat as the plane takes off.

'babalik ako ma...'

"Kung may kailangan ka, nasa unang palapag lang ako do'n ka kumatok." mabait na ani ng land lord. Landed at Cebu, I immediately rented an apartment.

Liblib ang lugar, malayo sa siyudad. Dalawang linggo na 'ko rito, may kakaiba akong nararamdaman sa katawan ko pero mas nakikiramdam ako lagi sa paligid ko.

Nag-apply akong waitress sa karinderya ng matandang dalaga na land lord, nasa baba lang din ito.

"Okay ka lang ba? maputla ka?" sabay abot sakin ng ise-serve ko sa order ng customer sa labas. Tumango lang ako.

Hindi ko alam kung anong amoy 'yon pero pagkatapos kong ihain, tumakbo agad ako sa lababo para dumuwal.

"Cali!? Ayos ka lang iha!?" sabay himas sa likod ko.

Tumango lang ako, bumuntong hininga siya at may kinuha sa loob.

"No'ng nakaraan pa kita napapansin na may kakaiba sa'yo, sige na gamitin mo na 'yan." pinisil niya ang kamay ko.

I took the pregnancy test as per her order, it's positive.