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Chapter 34: Meeting Tor, Part 1
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2022-04-29 14:01:38Related chapters
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 35: Meeting Tor, Part 2
We started texting, and I at first didn't even save his name in my phone. I was afraid that Nolan would find it and see that I had been texting some random guy; I always deleted conversations and didn't save anything. I only recognized him by the numeric digits, and at first, I didn't even remember his name. We would occasionally meet up at a relatively country-ish, divey bar near the club after I finished my shift. We were on Glass 2 of House Merlot."Wait, wait, wait, so you also ride a motorcycle? That takes some guts," Tor said."No, you know what takes guts? Dancing when you're on your period," I said. He laughed and shook his head. "I'm serious! You try to dance and shake your ass when you're afraid blood is going to start trickling down your leg or your tampon string is going to swing loose from its tucked-away position. Just try." I swallowed more wine, giving him the feminist test: would he freak out by talk of menstrual blood?It seems he wouldn't. He fielded another q
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 36: The Walls Have Officially Crumbled
We would have a glass or two of wine, talk, and goodnight. No kissing, no handholding. Over time, the nightly meetings became morning ones. We would meet for breakfast before work, him to the call center for an insurance company, me to the club. When I told him that I worked in a library, he almost couldn't believe it. I told him that I was currently working on looking up my family tree through a genealogy website and that I could help him do the same. I tried looking for ways to connect him to myself using the library, instead of the club. I asked him questions about his family, did research on the computer while at the reference desk, and presented my findings each week over breakfast. I began to trust him, that he wasn't an ax murderer, that he wasn't someone who was just after me for sex. We continued to talk for about a month without ever broaching the topic. There was still that boundary, that knowledge that outside of the club, we are simply normal people. We aren't dancer a
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 37: The Walls Have Officially Crumbled, Part 2
He came up to the reference desk and asked a question, ostensibly about the microfilm or genealogy or something like that. He didn't present it as a friend coming to see another friend and shoot the breeze; he came as a library patron with a question. I got up, excited, smiling, and trying to hide it from my co-workers, and showed him around the microfiche, babbling about looping the film through the machine and did you know we have the New York Times and Dallas Morning News from all the way back to the 1840s?He didn't stay long; when my co-worker wasn't looking, he gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and I was slightly aghast that he would do that in public and while I was on shift, but I was elated that he came to see me all the same. My anger led me to justify my actions with Tor, but the justification led to multiplying the base level of anger I started with. It wasn't like I would get angry with Nolan and call Tor to hang out. We just slowly but surely started seeing each other
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 38: Becoming Numb, Part 1
The night I was betrayed by my friend of seven years was the longest night of my life. Most people think sexual assault is something only perverts do, or strangers in woods who grab unsuspecting women from bushes, or men who go to strip clubs. The truth is that the majority are perpetrated by someone in the victim's close circle: a friend, family member, romantic partner, co-worker. He was more than my sister's boyfriend. He was someone I admired, someone who I wanted to be like: strong in his Christian faith, a good friend, someone who believed in the value of nature; he was funny, nerdy, loved talking about Star Trek and Lord of the Rings. He could state the specific page number of a quote by Gandalf and throw a frisbee in a perfect arc. I hung out with him sometimes, even without my older sister, because he never treated me like something to ignore, like I was just an attachment he had to deal with to be with my sister. I even wrote a high school essay about the time we spent playi
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 39: Becoming Numb, Part 2
I tried shifting a bit, pretending I was still asleep, praying that he would stop. Although my heart was racing, I tried to keep my breathing deep and even, to make him think that I was still asleep. I was terrified what he would do if I woke up. He could get violent, force me to do things that I didn't even want to contemplate doing. He could get violent despite my best efforts to keep him ignorant. He kept on squeezing.I'm not sure if I'm able to convey the terror of that moment. That sudden helplessness that happens when the person you've trusted for years is violating you in one of the most intimate ways possible. I realize that some women have had much worse things happen to them, but I'm not here to play my-assault-is-worse-than-your-assault. Violence is violence, even if it doesn't make a sound. Eventually, he stopped. My efforts to jostle him away must have worked, or his liquor-addled mind cleared just enough to let the morality kick in. As I lay there on the couch, I tried
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 40: Losing Control
"Describe the importance of protection of patron privacy. What are some specific ways you can employ this in the library? Responses must be at least 500 words and you must reply to at least two others."I stared at the prompt. I haven't even read the chapters for this week, I thought. I'll do this tomorrow. Glancing at my class calendar, I noticed the project we had three weeks to complete was due by the end of the week. I hadn't even started. A vague, fuzzy panic gripped my chest. No matter what you do, it's not going to be good enough anyway, whispered Anxiety Voice. After I quit bartending, and returned to stripping, I started to spiral during the winter, twirling around and around Charybdis. I failed both classes I took, mainly because I just didn't do the work or projects. I let deadlines slid by, discussion posts go without responding. Perhaps in an on-the-nose, metaphorical way, one of those classes was "Information Ethics." I also started having problems at work, a
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 41: Broke Beyond Repair, Part 1
Nolan could sense that something was wrong. He didn't accuse me of lying, but he knew something was deeply off. I tried to explain about my dreams of traveling, but they must have sounded as far-fetched as a librarian who strips. We began fighting more and more, and more than once we thought we might break up. But I held on. I didn't want to let him go, because if I did, it would be like letting a part of myself go. The girl I thought I was. I wanted to still be Ariel, not Rose. I tried talking to Nick about how I felt. I knocked on the door, which was already half open, hearing the sounds of League of Legends."Nick, can I talk to you for a minute?""Yeah, sure." He opened the door a little wider, so I could step in. Candy bar wrappers and Mountain Dew bottles littered the room. The familiar smell of sweet hay and sweat mingled in the cold AC. "Aren't you supposed to be doing homework?" I asked. Nick leaned back in his chair. "Have you done yours?" he rejoined. "Of course." Not fo
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 42: Broken Beyond Repair, Part 2
*In the end, he told Nolan that I wanted to break up with him. Nick. My friend. The person in whom I had confided, when I simply wanted advice, told Nolan behind my back that I wanted to break up with him. I suppose it's hypocritical to complain about betrayal, given that I have done so much of it. But it still hurt. Nolan, Nick, and I had signed a lease that went until June, and it was only February. I was going to wait for that long until I broke up with Nolan, seeing Tor the whole time. In hindsight, being that committed to a double-life scares me. The capacity for deceit in me is terrifying. But in the end, it was like ripping off a band-aid. Nick told Nolan my desire to break up with him, so he did it for me. The next time I came back to the apartment, it was to pack up some things for a little while. "So where will you be staying?" Nick asked. "Tauni's. I'll crash on her couch until I find a place to stay."In reality, I was sleeping with Tor in hotel rooms. "I'l
Last Updated : 2022-04-29
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Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 50: Redemption, Part 2
Although there weren't many true reference questions, the ones I did get I poured my energy into. "Can you tell me where books on fibro-myalgia are?" asked a girl no more than 13. "I want to help my grandmother." "Do you have any books on construction? I want to build a patio.""Do you have any good recommendations for historical fiction?" These types of questions I loved the most. I loved reading recommendations, because I honestly tried to give the patron my opinion but also attempted to help them branch out of what they might normally read. The toughest customer I ever had was a little girl, no more than ten years old, wanting "a good book to read." I suggested middle school stuff, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Royal Diaries, Dear America books, Captain Underpants. None of it would do; she had either read it all or thought it would be "boring." "What about A Wrinkle in Time? It's fantastic!""What's it about?"How does one explain the beauty and exquisiteness of A Wrinkle in Time?"
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 49: Redemption, Part 1
My redemption came from a place called Rowlett. The summer can be the busiest time for a public library, since many "Summer Reading Programs," generally take place to help encourage kids to read during the time away from school. The Rowlett Public Library was looking for a temporary, part-time library assistant to help ease the burden of all the excess foot traffic. Kids and their parents would come in flocks and droves to pick up books and weekly prizes for reading. The number of patrons per day doubled what it was during the winter. I didn't care that the post was only for four months, and that it was 23 miles away down I-30. It was $15 an hour for 25 hours per week, and that was a bounty compared to the previous year of fifty bucks here and there. When I interviewed, I tried to apply the lessons I had learned from some of my more disastrous interviews and tried to appear eager, competent, and intelligent. I didn't just want a job; I wanted one in a physical place, where I had a se
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 48: Pit of Thorns, Part 2
I quit stripping sometime in May. What would follow is what I call my "year of solitude," because that's essentially what it was. I had no job, and a full summer to think about the classes that I had failed. I had no idea what to do with myself. I looked for different library jobs, but only half-heartedly. I was afraid of the question that comes up on all employment applications, "Why did you leave your previous position?" "Well, you see, I was a stripper, and it was quite stressful, and made my brain think funny things, because of anxiety, so I quit, because I wasn't thinking properly, now here I am!" I also couldn't say, "Well, I just quit for no damn reason at all, because that's what it looks like." Plus, it was a dry season for library jobs. I received a steady stream of rejection notices, and I became more desperate to find a job, any job. Several months later, I tried re-applying for my old position at Garland. I even emailed my supervisor, explaining that I had been suffering
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 47: Pit of Thorns, Part 1
Quitting stripping was like falling into a pit of thorns. Well, maybe stripping itself was like falling into a pit of thorns, but quitting was like waking up in the pit and realizing, "Oh shit, I'm covered in fucking thorns." Over the course of the next year, I slowly but surely started to pull the thorns out one by one, and each one felt like a little blade slicing through my skin. The thing about thorns, too, is that infection spreads faster than you think. I had changed in ways that I didn't realize I had: I was more callous, more selfish, more money-obsessed. The aim of stripping was to manipulate people for money, and I didn't stop with strangers. People I loved became like money faucets in my mind: my parents, my grandparents, my friends: anyone who would give me money turned into a fixed dollar amount per month in my mind, and if they didn't give me money, it either meant that they didn't love me or I didn't care enough to bother with them. Of course, quitting, even abruptly
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 46: Quitting, Part 2
I walked in the door like it was just a normal day, said that I had already eaten dinner, and we sat down to watch the animated version of Black Panther. Going out with a black guy, I was so open-minded and socially-conscious, or so I told myself. My absent-mindedness was my ultimate undoing. "Hey, have you seen my phone?" I dug through the couch cushion. (One cushion. It was a ridiculous, circular couch that we felt oh-so-cool for having.) "No," said Tor, eating some of the freshly oven-popped popcorn we had made. "Did you leave it in your car?""I must have," and I started to get up. "Don't worry, I'll get it," he said. I was grateful that I didn't have to move from the comfort of the couch. I didn't know the unraveling was about to occur. He came back inside angry, but quietly so, which made me instantly worried. "Why are there leftovers in your car?" he asked.Goddamnit. I had forgotten about the leftovers. "Who were you with?" he demanded. "No one, I--""Stop ly
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 45: Quitting, Part 1
In the end, I stopped because the mask was becoming too real. I didn't know where it stopped and where I started anymore. We're all divided; we have a left brain and a right brain that forms a whole greater than the sum of its parts. We all have the constant inner battle of feeding two wolves, of choosing good over evil. We are all Two-Face, split between virtue and vice, logic and emotion, and loyalty and fallibility. At the end, we are only what we seem to people based on what they perceive we are. I quit because Rose and Ariel were becoming blurred; I was lying in "real" life even when I didn't have to. It could be over something as innocuous as what I had eaten for lunch. I could have had soup, but I would say "sandwich." I started lying about things that I didn't have to lie about, and the habit was so ingrained that I couldn't stop myself. I could feel the lies in my stomach, bubble up through my throat, and leave my lips without thinking why I was doing it. I hid everything
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 44, Taking the Bite, Part 2
And of course, I resisted this idea, at first. (Oh how we all resistat first.) I gave him every reason I was hesitant."Well, I appreciate the offer, but I have a boyfriend." "And I am still technically married," he said."And I'm sure your wife wouldn't mind you spending an evening alone with a young woman," I said. "Actually, she wouldn't. You see," he scooted me closer, cradling my body closer to his. "my wife and I are separated. We are not divorced, because in my culture, divorce is highly frowned on. Although we are still married on paper, we live our own lives." "But I'm not certain that my boyfriend would approve.""Does he know you dance?"I could see where this was going."No.""And you don't have to tell him about this, either.""I'm still not sure," I said. That day he gave me five hundred dollars as a parting gift. The next time he came, he sweetened the deal: he said that he would give me $1000 if we could meet in a hotel room and not the club. I still made
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 43: Taking the Bite, Part 1
It is very easy to fall. It is so easy to slide headfirst down the slippery slope, because you've already made so many concessions before the moment of truth. You've worn yourself down so much that making one more bad decision doesn't seem all that bad. It's so easy to point at Eve and say, "Look at that disgraced whore, taking the first bite." But the serpent was the most crafty of all the animals, including the dynamic duo in the garden. He knew exactly which things to say to Eve, how to persuade her, how to guide her to the edge of the cliff and take the plunge herself. All Eve ever wanted was wisdom. I've always been fascinated by the story of Dr. Faust. It seems relatively straightforward: don't sell your soul to the Devil. But how do you resist someone who promises you the very thing that you can never have and is the one thing you desire most of all? Faust, like Eve, sought knowledge. He wanted to know to understand, to see the biggest picture of all. He had already started do
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 42: Broken Beyond Repair, Part 2
*In the end, he told Nolan that I wanted to break up with him. Nick. My friend. The person in whom I had confided, when I simply wanted advice, told Nolan behind my back that I wanted to break up with him. I suppose it's hypocritical to complain about betrayal, given that I have done so much of it. But it still hurt. Nolan, Nick, and I had signed a lease that went until June, and it was only February. I was going to wait for that long until I broke up with Nolan, seeing Tor the whole time. In hindsight, being that committed to a double-life scares me. The capacity for deceit in me is terrifying. But in the end, it was like ripping off a band-aid. Nick told Nolan my desire to break up with him, so he did it for me. The next time I came back to the apartment, it was to pack up some things for a little while. "So where will you be staying?" Nick asked. "Tauni's. I'll crash on her couch until I find a place to stay."In reality, I was sleeping with Tor in hotel rooms. "I'l
