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Chapter 40: Losing Control
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Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 41: Broke Beyond Repair, Part 1
Nolan could sense that something was wrong. He didn't accuse me of lying, but he knew something was deeply off. I tried to explain about my dreams of traveling, but they must have sounded as far-fetched as a librarian who strips. We began fighting more and more, and more than once we thought we might break up. But I held on. I didn't want to let him go, because if I did, it would be like letting a part of myself go. The girl I thought I was. I wanted to still be Ariel, not Rose. I tried talking to Nick about how I felt. I knocked on the door, which was already half open, hearing the sounds of League of Legends."Nick, can I talk to you for a minute?""Yeah, sure." He opened the door a little wider, so I could step in. Candy bar wrappers and Mountain Dew bottles littered the room. The familiar smell of sweet hay and sweat mingled in the cold AC. "Aren't you supposed to be doing homework?" I asked. Nick leaned back in his chair. "Have you done yours?" he rejoined. "Of course." Not fo
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 42: Broken Beyond Repair, Part 2
*In the end, he told Nolan that I wanted to break up with him. Nick. My friend. The person in whom I had confided, when I simply wanted advice, told Nolan behind my back that I wanted to break up with him. I suppose it's hypocritical to complain about betrayal, given that I have done so much of it. But it still hurt. Nolan, Nick, and I had signed a lease that went until June, and it was only February. I was going to wait for that long until I broke up with Nolan, seeing Tor the whole time. In hindsight, being that committed to a double-life scares me. The capacity for deceit in me is terrifying. But in the end, it was like ripping off a band-aid. Nick told Nolan my desire to break up with him, so he did it for me. The next time I came back to the apartment, it was to pack up some things for a little while. "So where will you be staying?" Nick asked. "Tauni's. I'll crash on her couch until I find a place to stay."In reality, I was sleeping with Tor in hotel rooms. "I'l
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 43: Taking the Bite, Part 1
It is very easy to fall. It is so easy to slide headfirst down the slippery slope, because you've already made so many concessions before the moment of truth. You've worn yourself down so much that making one more bad decision doesn't seem all that bad. It's so easy to point at Eve and say, "Look at that disgraced whore, taking the first bite." But the serpent was the most crafty of all the animals, including the dynamic duo in the garden. He knew exactly which things to say to Eve, how to persuade her, how to guide her to the edge of the cliff and take the plunge herself. All Eve ever wanted was wisdom. I've always been fascinated by the story of Dr. Faust. It seems relatively straightforward: don't sell your soul to the Devil. But how do you resist someone who promises you the very thing that you can never have and is the one thing you desire most of all? Faust, like Eve, sought knowledge. He wanted to know to understand, to see the biggest picture of all. He had already started do
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 44, Taking the Bite, Part 2
And of course, I resisted this idea, at first. (Oh how we all resistat first.) I gave him every reason I was hesitant."Well, I appreciate the offer, but I have a boyfriend." "And I am still technically married," he said."And I'm sure your wife wouldn't mind you spending an evening alone with a young woman," I said. "Actually, she wouldn't. You see," he scooted me closer, cradling my body closer to his. "my wife and I are separated. We are not divorced, because in my culture, divorce is highly frowned on. Although we are still married on paper, we live our own lives." "But I'm not certain that my boyfriend would approve.""Does he know you dance?"I could see where this was going."No.""And you don't have to tell him about this, either.""I'm still not sure," I said. That day he gave me five hundred dollars as a parting gift. The next time he came, he sweetened the deal: he said that he would give me $1000 if we could meet in a hotel room and not the club. I still made
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 45: Quitting, Part 1
In the end, I stopped because the mask was becoming too real. I didn't know where it stopped and where I started anymore. We're all divided; we have a left brain and a right brain that forms a whole greater than the sum of its parts. We all have the constant inner battle of feeding two wolves, of choosing good over evil. We are all Two-Face, split between virtue and vice, logic and emotion, and loyalty and fallibility. At the end, we are only what we seem to people based on what they perceive we are. I quit because Rose and Ariel were becoming blurred; I was lying in "real" life even when I didn't have to. It could be over something as innocuous as what I had eaten for lunch. I could have had soup, but I would say "sandwich." I started lying about things that I didn't have to lie about, and the habit was so ingrained that I couldn't stop myself. I could feel the lies in my stomach, bubble up through my throat, and leave my lips without thinking why I was doing it. I hid everything
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 46: Quitting, Part 2
I walked in the door like it was just a normal day, said that I had already eaten dinner, and we sat down to watch the animated version of Black Panther. Going out with a black guy, I was so open-minded and socially-conscious, or so I told myself. My absent-mindedness was my ultimate undoing. "Hey, have you seen my phone?" I dug through the couch cushion. (One cushion. It was a ridiculous, circular couch that we felt oh-so-cool for having.) "No," said Tor, eating some of the freshly oven-popped popcorn we had made. "Did you leave it in your car?""I must have," and I started to get up. "Don't worry, I'll get it," he said. I was grateful that I didn't have to move from the comfort of the couch. I didn't know the unraveling was about to occur. He came back inside angry, but quietly so, which made me instantly worried. "Why are there leftovers in your car?" he asked.Goddamnit. I had forgotten about the leftovers. "Who were you with?" he demanded. "No one, I--""Stop ly
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 47: Pit of Thorns, Part 1
Quitting stripping was like falling into a pit of thorns. Well, maybe stripping itself was like falling into a pit of thorns, but quitting was like waking up in the pit and realizing, "Oh shit, I'm covered in fucking thorns." Over the course of the next year, I slowly but surely started to pull the thorns out one by one, and each one felt like a little blade slicing through my skin. The thing about thorns, too, is that infection spreads faster than you think. I had changed in ways that I didn't realize I had: I was more callous, more selfish, more money-obsessed. The aim of stripping was to manipulate people for money, and I didn't stop with strangers. People I loved became like money faucets in my mind: my parents, my grandparents, my friends: anyone who would give me money turned into a fixed dollar amount per month in my mind, and if they didn't give me money, it either meant that they didn't love me or I didn't care enough to bother with them. Of course, quitting, even abruptly
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 48: Pit of Thorns, Part 2
I quit stripping sometime in May. What would follow is what I call my "year of solitude," because that's essentially what it was. I had no job, and a full summer to think about the classes that I had failed. I had no idea what to do with myself. I looked for different library jobs, but only half-heartedly. I was afraid of the question that comes up on all employment applications, "Why did you leave your previous position?" "Well, you see, I was a stripper, and it was quite stressful, and made my brain think funny things, because of anxiety, so I quit, because I wasn't thinking properly, now here I am!" I also couldn't say, "Well, I just quit for no damn reason at all, because that's what it looks like." Plus, it was a dry season for library jobs. I received a steady stream of rejection notices, and I became more desperate to find a job, any job. Several months later, I tried re-applying for my old position at Garland. I even emailed my supervisor, explaining that I had been suffering
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