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Chapter 48: Pit of Thorns, Part 2
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2022-04-29 14:01:38Related chapters
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 49: Redemption, Part 1
My redemption came from a place called Rowlett. The summer can be the busiest time for a public library, since many "Summer Reading Programs," generally take place to help encourage kids to read during the time away from school. The Rowlett Public Library was looking for a temporary, part-time library assistant to help ease the burden of all the excess foot traffic. Kids and their parents would come in flocks and droves to pick up books and weekly prizes for reading. The number of patrons per day doubled what it was during the winter. I didn't care that the post was only for four months, and that it was 23 miles away down I-30. It was $15 an hour for 25 hours per week, and that was a bounty compared to the previous year of fifty bucks here and there. When I interviewed, I tried to apply the lessons I had learned from some of my more disastrous interviews and tried to appear eager, competent, and intelligent. I didn't just want a job; I wanted one in a physical place, where I had a se
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 50: Redemption, Part 2
Although there weren't many true reference questions, the ones I did get I poured my energy into. "Can you tell me where books on fibro-myalgia are?" asked a girl no more than 13. "I want to help my grandmother." "Do you have any books on construction? I want to build a patio.""Do you have any good recommendations for historical fiction?" These types of questions I loved the most. I loved reading recommendations, because I honestly tried to give the patron my opinion but also attempted to help them branch out of what they might normally read. The toughest customer I ever had was a little girl, no more than ten years old, wanting "a good book to read." I suggested middle school stuff, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Royal Diaries, Dear America books, Captain Underpants. None of it would do; she had either read it all or thought it would be "boring." "What about A Wrinkle in Time? It's fantastic!""What's it about?"How does one explain the beauty and exquisiteness of A Wrinkle in Time?"
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 1: Prologue
This quiet librarian was naked, except for a pair of T-backs , 6-inch heels, and a class ring from "The Harvard of the South" that glinted in the dark. As I stood on the raised platform, I felt as though I were on a pedestal, a golden goddess on her throne. I shimmied and gyrated to the music, feeling an intoxication unmatched by alcohol. A trio of men grouped around my small stage, each eager to tuck singles into my elastic band. The club was dimly lit, an eternal twilight that belied the blazing Texas sun outside. The AC pouring through the vents made my nipples hard and dried up the sweat on my back from the exertion of dancing. There were six stages, six dancers, and stage lights illuminated each one of us like dolls in a cabinet; we were living, breathing mannequins, each moving with a sensual fluidity as unique as a fingerprint. A mix of country and rock pounded through the stereo system, and groups of half-nude women chatted with fully clothed men in suits and cowboy hats,
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 2: Epic Fail
As soon as I opened my teller drawer, my heart started pounding. All of my strapped and loose cash was there from the day before, in neat little rows. How could you have left it out again? How could you have made such a stupid mistake? Everyone went silent. They all knew what forgetting to put one's cash in the vault meant. "Let's start counting," Kris, the head teller, whispered. My insides writhed as Kris and I pulled the straps off the stacks of 100s and 20s to run through the money counter . We needed to account for every penny. You didn't even lock your drawer!My fellow tellers, Megan and Amanda, tried to small talk about their plans for this weekend, to cover up the general feeling of embarrassment. Every once in a while, they glanced over at me, and I hated their stares of pity. The world went blurry as tears threatened to spill over my eyes. My nose turned its characteristic shade of clown-nose bright vermillion that let the world know how pathetic I felt. I excu
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 3: Hello, Little Girl, Part 1
I must have seemed like a country mouse at her first Freak Show, wanting the part of Head Freak. I drove to Baby Dolls, a huge glamorous club, straight from my shift at the Garland Public Library. The manager's eyes raked over my black pants, chunky glasses, and long-sleeved, lavender button-up."Sorry," he said. "We already have enough entertainers, but you can try our sister club, Lipstick. They're always hiring. Ask for Little Jon."At the time, I thought this was the manager's honest response, but I simply hadn't learned the tacit rules of the audition yet. Slightly dejected, but no less determined, I drove down Harry Hines, passing tire shops, cheap Mexican restaurants, adult toy stores, and filthy-looking, no-name hotels. Baby Dolls was Reunion Tower, Lipstick, McDonalds. Baby Dolls was a gargantuan, loud affair, with flashing lights, glittering bars, two stories and 6 stages, and catered to large wallets and black credit cards; Lipstick had a glowing neon sign of a lip-print
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 4: Hello Little Girl, Part 2
I came three hours early on my first day. I hadn't meant to show up that early, but it was a Sunday, and instead of opening up at 11, the club opened at 12 (to get around those pesky alcohol laws in Texas). Pulling up to the back, I could see the kitchen staff were already there, hosing down the parking lot and surrounding area to clean it from the previous night's alcohol spills and cigarette butts. It still stank of stale beer, smoke, and grease, a combination I grew oddly fond of. When I walked in, Little Jon was snoozing in a corner, so I quietly went backstage to the locker room to unpack and get dressed. The House Mom hadn't even arrived yet. I found an empty locker and claimed it with a purple lock. The dingy room had ripped carpet, huge wall-length mirrors, and long benches for the dancers to sit on, or nap on, depending on how slow the day was. Not a single inch looked clean; the shower in the corner looked like a breeding ground for foot fungus, and nary a square inch was f
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 5: Of First Tips, Customers, and Lap Dances, Part 1
I danced like a robot. Not a sexy, Westworld kind of robot; an old Issac Asimov robot with huge, square movements that only seemed to operate at 90-degree angles. True, no one laughed at me or threw tomatoes (or cocktail napkins), but my repertoire of stripper moves included sauntering around the pole and the bend-and-snap from Legally Blonde, (and that didn't even work in the movie). When it came time to take off my top in the second song, I felt…nothing. My nerves only came from the performance aspect of it, but I was numb to the stares. I was just another exotic animal in the flesh menagerie, protected by the invisible barrier of the stage. No one was technically allowed to touch me onstage, only enough to tip me. That didn't stop a drunk redneck woman from licking between my breasts, though. My chest stank of coffee breath for hours after that.Toto, I have a feeling we're not in ballet class anymore…Someone eventually felt sorry for me, seeing how completely new and out-of-pl
Last Updated : 2022-04-29Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 6: Of First Tips, Customers, and Lap Dances, Part 2
What was that? Were all lap dances going to be so terrible? I felt like I had just been grubbed and treated like a literal piece of meat, the kind that swings in butcher shops, blood dripping onto the floor and flies buzzing around. It wasn't so much the feeling of being touched that bothered me; it was the sheer force and insistence of the man. I plopped down onto the bench and stared at myself in the mirror. Would it always be periods of molasses-like slowness punctuated by grimy, forceful, ass-spreading men?The House Mom glanced up from her magazine. "How's it going out there?""It's pretty slow, I guess. I just needed to take a break.""It's always slow on Sundays, but it'll pick up."I nodded and laid my head down trying to collect my thoughts."You don't seem like the kind of person to be here. What do you do besides this?" she asked. "I work in a library," I responded. "No shit," she said. "Well honey, let me just tell you one thing: don't quit your second job. This
Last Updated : 2022-04-29
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Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 50: Redemption, Part 2
Although there weren't many true reference questions, the ones I did get I poured my energy into. "Can you tell me where books on fibro-myalgia are?" asked a girl no more than 13. "I want to help my grandmother." "Do you have any books on construction? I want to build a patio.""Do you have any good recommendations for historical fiction?" These types of questions I loved the most. I loved reading recommendations, because I honestly tried to give the patron my opinion but also attempted to help them branch out of what they might normally read. The toughest customer I ever had was a little girl, no more than ten years old, wanting "a good book to read." I suggested middle school stuff, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Royal Diaries, Dear America books, Captain Underpants. None of it would do; she had either read it all or thought it would be "boring." "What about A Wrinkle in Time? It's fantastic!""What's it about?"How does one explain the beauty and exquisiteness of A Wrinkle in Time?"
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 49: Redemption, Part 1
My redemption came from a place called Rowlett. The summer can be the busiest time for a public library, since many "Summer Reading Programs," generally take place to help encourage kids to read during the time away from school. The Rowlett Public Library was looking for a temporary, part-time library assistant to help ease the burden of all the excess foot traffic. Kids and their parents would come in flocks and droves to pick up books and weekly prizes for reading. The number of patrons per day doubled what it was during the winter. I didn't care that the post was only for four months, and that it was 23 miles away down I-30. It was $15 an hour for 25 hours per week, and that was a bounty compared to the previous year of fifty bucks here and there. When I interviewed, I tried to apply the lessons I had learned from some of my more disastrous interviews and tried to appear eager, competent, and intelligent. I didn't just want a job; I wanted one in a physical place, where I had a se
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 48: Pit of Thorns, Part 2
I quit stripping sometime in May. What would follow is what I call my "year of solitude," because that's essentially what it was. I had no job, and a full summer to think about the classes that I had failed. I had no idea what to do with myself. I looked for different library jobs, but only half-heartedly. I was afraid of the question that comes up on all employment applications, "Why did you leave your previous position?" "Well, you see, I was a stripper, and it was quite stressful, and made my brain think funny things, because of anxiety, so I quit, because I wasn't thinking properly, now here I am!" I also couldn't say, "Well, I just quit for no damn reason at all, because that's what it looks like." Plus, it was a dry season for library jobs. I received a steady stream of rejection notices, and I became more desperate to find a job, any job. Several months later, I tried re-applying for my old position at Garland. I even emailed my supervisor, explaining that I had been suffering
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 47: Pit of Thorns, Part 1
Quitting stripping was like falling into a pit of thorns. Well, maybe stripping itself was like falling into a pit of thorns, but quitting was like waking up in the pit and realizing, "Oh shit, I'm covered in fucking thorns." Over the course of the next year, I slowly but surely started to pull the thorns out one by one, and each one felt like a little blade slicing through my skin. The thing about thorns, too, is that infection spreads faster than you think. I had changed in ways that I didn't realize I had: I was more callous, more selfish, more money-obsessed. The aim of stripping was to manipulate people for money, and I didn't stop with strangers. People I loved became like money faucets in my mind: my parents, my grandparents, my friends: anyone who would give me money turned into a fixed dollar amount per month in my mind, and if they didn't give me money, it either meant that they didn't love me or I didn't care enough to bother with them. Of course, quitting, even abruptly
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 46: Quitting, Part 2
I walked in the door like it was just a normal day, said that I had already eaten dinner, and we sat down to watch the animated version of Black Panther. Going out with a black guy, I was so open-minded and socially-conscious, or so I told myself. My absent-mindedness was my ultimate undoing. "Hey, have you seen my phone?" I dug through the couch cushion. (One cushion. It was a ridiculous, circular couch that we felt oh-so-cool for having.) "No," said Tor, eating some of the freshly oven-popped popcorn we had made. "Did you leave it in your car?""I must have," and I started to get up. "Don't worry, I'll get it," he said. I was grateful that I didn't have to move from the comfort of the couch. I didn't know the unraveling was about to occur. He came back inside angry, but quietly so, which made me instantly worried. "Why are there leftovers in your car?" he asked.Goddamnit. I had forgotten about the leftovers. "Who were you with?" he demanded. "No one, I--""Stop ly
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 45: Quitting, Part 1
In the end, I stopped because the mask was becoming too real. I didn't know where it stopped and where I started anymore. We're all divided; we have a left brain and a right brain that forms a whole greater than the sum of its parts. We all have the constant inner battle of feeding two wolves, of choosing good over evil. We are all Two-Face, split between virtue and vice, logic and emotion, and loyalty and fallibility. At the end, we are only what we seem to people based on what they perceive we are. I quit because Rose and Ariel were becoming blurred; I was lying in "real" life even when I didn't have to. It could be over something as innocuous as what I had eaten for lunch. I could have had soup, but I would say "sandwich." I started lying about things that I didn't have to lie about, and the habit was so ingrained that I couldn't stop myself. I could feel the lies in my stomach, bubble up through my throat, and leave my lips without thinking why I was doing it. I hid everything
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 44, Taking the Bite, Part 2
And of course, I resisted this idea, at first. (Oh how we all resistat first.) I gave him every reason I was hesitant."Well, I appreciate the offer, but I have a boyfriend." "And I am still technically married," he said."And I'm sure your wife wouldn't mind you spending an evening alone with a young woman," I said. "Actually, she wouldn't. You see," he scooted me closer, cradling my body closer to his. "my wife and I are separated. We are not divorced, because in my culture, divorce is highly frowned on. Although we are still married on paper, we live our own lives." "But I'm not certain that my boyfriend would approve.""Does he know you dance?"I could see where this was going."No.""And you don't have to tell him about this, either.""I'm still not sure," I said. That day he gave me five hundred dollars as a parting gift. The next time he came, he sweetened the deal: he said that he would give me $1000 if we could meet in a hotel room and not the club. I still made
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 43: Taking the Bite, Part 1
It is very easy to fall. It is so easy to slide headfirst down the slippery slope, because you've already made so many concessions before the moment of truth. You've worn yourself down so much that making one more bad decision doesn't seem all that bad. It's so easy to point at Eve and say, "Look at that disgraced whore, taking the first bite." But the serpent was the most crafty of all the animals, including the dynamic duo in the garden. He knew exactly which things to say to Eve, how to persuade her, how to guide her to the edge of the cliff and take the plunge herself. All Eve ever wanted was wisdom. I've always been fascinated by the story of Dr. Faust. It seems relatively straightforward: don't sell your soul to the Devil. But how do you resist someone who promises you the very thing that you can never have and is the one thing you desire most of all? Faust, like Eve, sought knowledge. He wanted to know to understand, to see the biggest picture of all. He had already started do
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 42: Broken Beyond Repair, Part 2
*In the end, he told Nolan that I wanted to break up with him. Nick. My friend. The person in whom I had confided, when I simply wanted advice, told Nolan behind my back that I wanted to break up with him. I suppose it's hypocritical to complain about betrayal, given that I have done so much of it. But it still hurt. Nolan, Nick, and I had signed a lease that went until June, and it was only February. I was going to wait for that long until I broke up with Nolan, seeing Tor the whole time. In hindsight, being that committed to a double-life scares me. The capacity for deceit in me is terrifying. But in the end, it was like ripping off a band-aid. Nick told Nolan my desire to break up with him, so he did it for me. The next time I came back to the apartment, it was to pack up some things for a little while. "So where will you be staying?" Nick asked. "Tauni's. I'll crash on her couch until I find a place to stay."In reality, I was sleeping with Tor in hotel rooms. "I'l
