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Chapter 25: Slowly Staring to Unravel
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Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 26: White and Green, Part 1
It was one of those unbearably slow days. The kind of day where maybe ten men in total had entered the club the entire day. The kind of day where the dancers were taking naps in club chairs and waitresses were lounging and gossiping for hours. I wandered from the upstairs bar to the downstairs seating area again and again, my ankles screaming to sit down. "Hi handsome, are you doing all right?" I asked a guy with the glazed expression of a dead fish."I'm just here for a beer," he responded. My face heated and my pride stung at the rejection."Just let me know if you need anything."Come on, just give me one dance, I pleaded inwardly. Don't let me go home with just sixty bucks. Slow days were a special sort of torture. I plopped down at the upstairs bar and tried to not look as bored as I felt. Chanel was chatting with the bartender. Indica was there too; I hadn't really ever spoken to her, except for the occasional hello or compliment her ass tattoo of a marijuana leaf. C
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 27: Green and White, Part 2
Now, I had never tried cocaine before in my life. If it doesn't come from the earth, I'm not going to put it in my body. But there was no mistaking the pure white powder in a tiny dime-bag that everyone was sniffing out of. I hadn't even seen enough movies to know what to pretend what to do. I didn't want to turn it down and ruin the vibe of the party, but I sure as hell didn't want to be hopped up on coke when I came home that night (much less try to drive). Gold Earring Guy had a small amount balanced on a long pinky nail extended out to me. I looked around, hoping that no one would see what seemed so obvious what we were doing. Luckily, a waitress was walking over, and I motioned for him to go ahead and hit it, since his back was to the waitress and she wouldn't be able to see. Nancy Regan never taught how to "Just say no," when you're a stripper trying to hit the jackpot on a slow day, and the only way to do that is to play along. Chanel must have seen the slightly panicked loo
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 28: How Much Honesty is Worth, Part 1
Never say that there is no honor among thieves. Or at least, no honor among strippers. And don't think just because a strip club is a den of sin, the modern-day pirates' tavern, or Gomorrah's gambling house, that moral quandaries do not arise. What I did at Cabaret Royale that day was either one of the best decisions I made during my time as a dancer or one of the most absurd. It started off like any other day; I had already made about 200 bucks and it was only mid-day. The crowd was a bit sparse, but I had chanced upon a well-to-do customer. He came in wearing a simple outfit of jeans, a long-sleeved tee, and a windbreaker. He was short, about 5'4," with brown hair and brownish skin. His face had a vaguely "Asian" look, and I later learned he was Philippino. You would have never known he was loaded. However, he didn't have the air of someone stingy, like they were hoarding all their money. He was kind, generous, and simply a quietly humble guy. He came in originally looking for on
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 29: How Much Honesty is Worth, Part 2
They were hundreds. He hadn't given me ten twenty-dollar bills; he had given me hundreds. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck…A thousand dollars was one month's rent. A thousand dollars was 1/30th of my undergraduate loans. A thousand dollars was food and bills for an entire month. One thousand reasons to say nothing and walk back upstairs and revel in the biggest payday of my life. You're in the hustling game now, and this is what it means to hustle, whispered evil Ariel.I started to walk up the stairs to the dressing room. I had every intention to put it immediately in my wallet under lock and key in my locker.He probably won't even notice it's gone. He probably has so much money and cash that he won't even notice the difference. Every single other person in here would just take the money and not say a word. God, evil Ariel sounded so sexy. I gave a deep inward groan, because I knew what I had to do. Not today, bitch, I retorted. "Hey Cynthia!" I rushed back down the steps and over to
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 30: Nightmares
Nolan was giving it to me hard, and all I could think about was the rent that was due the next morning, the beige color of the walls, and the pudge on Nolan's stomach. He started sucking on my nipples, and I got that vague, sickly feeling again. It didn't excite me, didn't thrill me, but made me feel as though my breast were slightly detached from my body. I should really change the lightbulbs in the bathroom soon.My body went through the motions of sex, my mouth made all the right sex sounds, and I contorted my face just enough to let Nolan think that I was enjoying it. He kissed my neck, and I moaned, but I didn't feel the heat, didn't feel the goosebumps raise, didn't sense the flutter in my stomach nor groin. He flipped me over to do it doggy-style, and I was grateful that he no longer saw my face. It was easier to hide. Oops, Stripper Mode again.I wondered if I were insane, if my mind had somehow crossed the line, or was tiptoeing around the edge somewhere. This mome
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 31: Detour, Part 1
No journey is complete without a detour and mine was becoming a bartender. After six months, I experienced what can only be described as stripper burnout. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. I was tired from the physical exertion of dancing and tired of the toll it was taking on my body; I had sore leg and back muscles, constant bruises on my knees, razor burn on my crotch and legs, and pimples from wearing so much make-up. My psyche was also weary from having to lie all the time to everyone: my parents, my siblings, my boyfriend, and my friends. The mask I was wearing felt like cement, ready to plunge me down into the depths of an abyss, head first. The demeaning nature of the work started to wear on my mental state as well. Guys slapping my ass as I walked by their table, fending off solicitations for sex, the constant chorus of "what are you doing here?"Winter had arrived, and no one wanted to warm up with a stripper; the river of customers slowed to a trickle, and I w
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 32: Detour, Part 2
When he ordered shot #8, I gave him the stink eye. "Don't look at me like that, just pour the damn drink."I silently held my tongue. Don't get involved, just let the guy be an asshole. I poured the shots and handed them over with my best Resting Bitch Face. But he weighed about 250 pounds, split between fat and muscle, while Candice, while tall, looked like she weighed no more than 160. Her speech started to slur, even though it was obvious she was trying not to. "Another shot." I started to sweat; I was crossing into moral obligation territory. I didn't care about the guy or what he did to himself, but he was ordering shots for Candice as well. I hadn't spoken much to her, but she had always been nice to me, and I felt like I had the duty to protect her. The memory of the 18-year-old dancer who got so drunk at Lipstick that she had to get her stomach pumped swam in the back of my mind. I knew that Candice was an adult and could make her own decisions, but I didn't want to be
Confessions of an Exotic Dancing Librarian Chapter 33: Looking for an Escape
When so many things start to converge: romantic relationships, job, family, and friends, it can feel like water is closing in over your head or that the air is slowly being sucked out of a closed room. Everyone has felt this claustrophobia of life. I felt like I was navigating extremely rocky waters, but I was doing it on my own and in the best way I knew how. But I started slipping. Control is an illusion. Just at the moments when we think we are most in control, we aren't. It felt like I went crazy for a little while, and maybe I did. I thought that every action I made was because I wanted it, not for anyone else or to please anyone or prove anything to anyone. But it was like there was a different being in me, someone who secretly took over the control panel when I wasn't looking. I still controlled my arms and legs, my speech, and my thoughts, but something was making the decisions for me. It was as if Ariel were a speck of rock peeking out from the ocean's surface, while Rose wa
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