I had to lose myself to become this new me, my bracket of religion couldn’t push this away, I'm sure God understood, did he? I shook my head, chasing the insecurities away, I was finally happy.
It’s said to be wrong but my heart, my head, my very being was in this, no shred of discomfort was visible to me, known to me, and I knew this was meant to be.
Then there was cherry, I couldn’t stop smiling when I thought about her, people referred to me as ‘hers’ now, Malnovs beloved, Malnovs monalisa, it was really weird but I guess that’s what happens when you date a Malnov, I cared little about her status actually, I just wanted her.
I went back to ignoring cherry, avoiding her at every turn, I started hanging out with Ray more, he had a girlfriend now, her name was Asher, we called her archer just to get under her skin, she was really cute, dark skinned, short and crazy.They always hinted on a triad but my heart was elsewhere.I could feel Cherry's eyes everywhere I went, see who the stalker was now.She kept sending me messages, some sweet, some needy, she woke me up with romantic texts, left loving voicemails, tried to talk to me every day, I was flattered really but I didn’t need all the physical assurances, she broke our emotional bridge, no amount of flowers or chocolates could fix that.I went back to my former routine, classes, if I wanted to attend them, cafeteria, library, walk around campus, Ray’s room or mine.We had fun most times, we either talked about anime or played video games, I always won though, what c
The following week had me in a daze, I was just grateful we had a free week, our exams were over, we just had to party our freshmen skins off, tradition they said.I spent most of my time with cherry, I had basically moved in with her, I called it getting our lost moments back, cherry went out of her way all week, she spoilt me rotten, I did love the attention but money coming from her felt wrong.I loved her either way but I didn’t want her to think I wanted her money or feel obliged to buy me stuff, I made it a rule, if it wasn’t important don’t buy it, if it wasn’t needed don’t get it, in return if she did buy it I couldn’t whine about the price, we went back and forth, throwing rules, countering others.The more time I spent with cherry the less I did Ray and Asher, she didn’t like him and she made it known, she extended the dislike to Asher, she was just that petty.I tried several times in several ways t
The sendoff email was still fresh in my mail box when I hauled my ass to the bus station, cherry whined for thirty minutes before she let me go, some kisses half way in and I was fueled for the days ahead.My mom wanted to pick me up, I would have liked that but I tore off my freshmen skin for something, I needed to stay true to the pact I made, freshmen before, freshmen never again.I was sitting in a bus with an old man’s head on my shoulder listening to the melodic tunes of his snores, things we do for our promises.I stared out through the window as I listened to music, I enjoyed the view anytime I traveled or went on a road trip, I was a sucker for them.I chatted back and forth with cherry, rejected a video call because I didn’t trust her not to tease me, I needed a clear head and underwear for this journey no matter how much I loved her.The journey was over before I cou
This scene felt all too familiar, staring at this unattractive ceiling, laying on this cold bed, surfing through the memories zooming in and out of my head, I retraced every road, redrew every line, unsaid every word but I was still in this plain room, I couldn’t retrace that.I woke up to my new reality, my chosen path, how did I feel? Thrilled but scared, what would I do? Live life as I wanted now, with who I wanted and how I desired to.I decided to call my mom later in the day, maybe she would want to meet up to hear me out, she would hear me out right? I might want to be free, desire to be loved and ready to be known but my family still is and would always be my family.The neighborhood was quiet and business like, no birds chirping, no neighbor screaming, I missed the little things but I wanted to be who I was, to live freely not as a FAG but as a person.I'd come a long way, fought so many battles,
Sitting in my low budget hotel room with my multi-millionaire girlfriend felt surreal, I stayed quiet while she animated her argument, using her hands, she exaggerated her point, one hundred and one reasons why she couldn’t make it yesterday.Listening to cherry’s excuses, doubt slowly crept into my heart, enveloped my mind and seized my body, there was so many excuses I doubted she knew she wasn’t keeping up.One went into another again and again, it began to sound like sweet lies, the tune perfectly played, I was beyond swayed, beyond saving.“Why are you lying to me?”With a shocked expression, she argued “Kat you know I've never lied to you amore mio, why would you think that?”“Where were you when I kept calling?”“I was at work, I couldn’t escape, I tried to cal-”“Bullshit
Classes had resumed full swing, I had little or no time for myself, the lecturers were brutal, if this was meant to be a dog fight, I would go back to my room in rags every day.Needless to say, this week wasn’t my week, devils time of the month had caught up to me then add to it this stress, I was beyond livid, I smiled for a certain amount of time each day, I never exceeded it, sometimes I just didn’t you know… smile.We were pushed to our limits every day, some days I didn't want to wake up, or think about the stress of the day, I felt I had no purpose in life when I did, I would dive straight into bed to wake up five minutes after.The cruelty of the world was no joke, couldn’t time slow the fuck down?I looked like a homeless person who got bitten by a zombie, my life held no spontaneous acts, I was trying to keep up with classes as it was, I couldn&rsq
I couldn’t enjoy my sleep deep enough, barely even six and my door was being attacked, the endless raps were driving me insane.I stomped to the door ripping it open, “What?” I growled at the intruder through hooded eyes.“It’s not my fault your girlfriend is a party pooper” Asher lamented as she stormed into my room, two women hot on her heels.“Hi Good morning, I'm Shane and this is Kelly, we’ll be doing your makeup, fitting you into your dresses, basically dolling you up, we have seven hours before the driver gets here so I’d suggest we start now” Shane said smiling brightly.I glowered at the woman, SEVEN HOURS! She had seven hours and she decided to disturb my sleep right now, oh I was so going to kill cherry.Three hours trapped beneath two hands that tugged and pulled, scraped and invaded my privacy, I was ready for the day
I didn’t know what time it was, I didn’t know where I was, I would be surprised if I even knew who I was.I smiled bitterly, oh heavens, was this revenge? Was this retribution? I leave to be happy and you take that happiness from me knowing I have nowhere else to go.Is this a power tussle? You know, the kind where you show me your almightiness and I bow in awe of your grace.I screamed silently at my reflection, all the bitch did was scream back, I punched the mirror over and over again not caring about the tiny fragments that lodged themselves deeper into my knuckles.I stared at the damaged wall in front of me, glass was everywhere, my blood unfortunately wasn’t, I walked through the glass carelessly, not satisfied with the blood that trailed behind me.I walked into my room, what was once soothing turned cold and dark, it was just a room, I couldn’t muster any courage to show shades at this small cocoon, I mean it was the only
The memorial had been short and sweet, i got to meet Asher's sister Ashlynn and her two brother Jack and Ryan. We all shared our grief through hugs and tears- there was a little bonding time tied into the end of the ceremony.Ashlynn's daughter looked so much like Asher it took almost everything for me not to walk away from the group, it hurt too much to even look at her.Raymond and i saw little of each other as the days passed, he was by the makeshift bar drinking some mixed up alcohol, he was taking shot for shot like a pro but i knew we just had different ways of absorbing and arranging our feelings.I grazed Asher's headstone with my fingertips instantly disliking the coolness, i wondered if Asher was cold and needed a blanket, i drove myself mad with scenerios, maybe she wasn't dead and was trying to claw her way up to the surface- back into our arms.Our? if there was even an us i think the secon
"Do you regret last night?" Asher stroked my thighs cradling me in her arms while Raymond snored half way in and half way out of the bed."No i dont, was i supposed to?""No but I-" Asher immediately started coughing rousing Raymond from his sleep when the cough refused to subside."Geez you didnt tell me you had a cold" i huffed patting her back with a slight frown on my face."Its not a cold love, something just lodged itslef in my throat" she wheezed still coughing."Well tell the thing not to wake us all up from sleep" Raymond yelped when i kicked him off the bed. "Yeah destroy the man who made you feel like goddesses last night ok?" i threw a pillow at his stupid face. idiot."You ok now? you've been acting really weird lately, are you fine?" my face didn't show my worry but my voice carried it."Yes i'm fine love i promise it was just
Asher, Raymond and I were at Club 99 drinking our lives away, our finals were finally over. Asher stuck to sparkling water which was odd but i was too tipsy to care, Raymond was drunkenly asking Asher to be his girlfriend which was comical."You guys know we need to be at Cherry's event tomorrow right?" Asher raised her brows."Who cares about that bitch?" Raymond slammed his hand on the bar top earning a glare from the bartender."Definitely not me" I slurred"Well is Jen coming? i mean you guys have been moving strong""I don't know, damn i forgot to ask her" I willed my hands to find my phone and not yank the nearest whiskey from the counter. I dailed her number but it went straight to voice mail, five tries later i left a drunken sweet message."Well did you get her?" Asher asked as she tried to stop Raymond from climbing over the bar."Nahhhh i guess she'
The months had passed quickly, six months since i started hanging out with jen. I wasn't as violent as i was before except when we were in bed, yes i know what it looked like but life got simpler with Jen around.I was happier, i wasn't in love but i liked her a lot, school was the same as ever, i didnt care how it went anymore, we were all gong to graduate it didnt matter when.I had started going to church again since we were still dishing out good news, it was... very trying. I felt cornered everyday but jen makes it get clearer.She was right on one thing, i did abandon God but i still didn't feel quite at home like i used to, i couldnt change who i was, picking a part of my religion that favoured my sexuality was hypocritical and not right yet here i was still handling it.Jen said i could do it so i believed i could, i knew i could get my footing again.Finals were coming up, the
My roller coaster ride began from there, when I looked myself in the mirror it didn’t matter what I saw or that I felt nothing, just a body I would think to myself, a body without a soul.The bars downtown had become my friend, I wasn’t much of a drinker- oh no! I was here for something else, something much better than alcohol, that would be sex.I thought it, felt it, needed it, craved it like a drug so I overdosed every time, the next time deeper than the last, the void just kept getting bigger, the more sex I had, the emptier I felt. I couldn’t help it, it was the only thing that didn’t change.The loud music irritated my eardrums but the view was kind, women in all shapes and sizes lurked around, I could feel some eyes on me, I knocked my drink back trying hard to keep my facial muscles in check.“That bad?” I blinked twice to clear my vision, focusing solely o
I didn’t know what time it was, I didn’t know where I was, I would be surprised if I even knew who I was.I smiled bitterly, oh heavens, was this revenge? Was this retribution? I leave to be happy and you take that happiness from me knowing I have nowhere else to go.Is this a power tussle? You know, the kind where you show me your almightiness and I bow in awe of your grace.I screamed silently at my reflection, all the bitch did was scream back, I punched the mirror over and over again not caring about the tiny fragments that lodged themselves deeper into my knuckles.I stared at the damaged wall in front of me, glass was everywhere, my blood unfortunately wasn’t, I walked through the glass carelessly, not satisfied with the blood that trailed behind me.I walked into my room, what was once soothing turned cold and dark, it was just a room, I couldn’t muster any courage to show shades at this small cocoon, I mean it was the only
I couldn’t enjoy my sleep deep enough, barely even six and my door was being attacked, the endless raps were driving me insane.I stomped to the door ripping it open, “What?” I growled at the intruder through hooded eyes.“It’s not my fault your girlfriend is a party pooper” Asher lamented as she stormed into my room, two women hot on her heels.“Hi Good morning, I'm Shane and this is Kelly, we’ll be doing your makeup, fitting you into your dresses, basically dolling you up, we have seven hours before the driver gets here so I’d suggest we start now” Shane said smiling brightly.I glowered at the woman, SEVEN HOURS! She had seven hours and she decided to disturb my sleep right now, oh I was so going to kill cherry.Three hours trapped beneath two hands that tugged and pulled, scraped and invaded my privacy, I was ready for the day
Classes had resumed full swing, I had little or no time for myself, the lecturers were brutal, if this was meant to be a dog fight, I would go back to my room in rags every day.Needless to say, this week wasn’t my week, devils time of the month had caught up to me then add to it this stress, I was beyond livid, I smiled for a certain amount of time each day, I never exceeded it, sometimes I just didn’t you know… smile.We were pushed to our limits every day, some days I didn't want to wake up, or think about the stress of the day, I felt I had no purpose in life when I did, I would dive straight into bed to wake up five minutes after.The cruelty of the world was no joke, couldn’t time slow the fuck down?I looked like a homeless person who got bitten by a zombie, my life held no spontaneous acts, I was trying to keep up with classes as it was, I couldn&rsq
Sitting in my low budget hotel room with my multi-millionaire girlfriend felt surreal, I stayed quiet while she animated her argument, using her hands, she exaggerated her point, one hundred and one reasons why she couldn’t make it yesterday.Listening to cherry’s excuses, doubt slowly crept into my heart, enveloped my mind and seized my body, there was so many excuses I doubted she knew she wasn’t keeping up.One went into another again and again, it began to sound like sweet lies, the tune perfectly played, I was beyond swayed, beyond saving.“Why are you lying to me?”With a shocked expression, she argued “Kat you know I've never lied to you amore mio, why would you think that?”“Where were you when I kept calling?”“I was at work, I couldn’t escape, I tried to cal-”“Bullshit