…Tyler POV…
I would hope that Jenna and my life has gone back to normal again. But with this fake smile on my lips, I have not yet been able to let go of the fact that if the babies in her belly are mine. I have not been able to build up that courage that I need to ask her; I keep on stuttering like a fool, then I end up leaving it.
So today, we are going to the Doctor, and he's going to put that ungodly probe against her body and twirl it around to show us what is going to probably be the size of a tiny little person depending on how far along pregnant she really is. Now, this is terrifying the shit out of me because I know the further along she is, the more possible it is not my child, but in fact, it is Luke's.
Now I still have not raised this concern with her even though she can see in my eyes that I am fearing the worst she knows that I want to ask it, but she knows that I will not ask it for she is scared to confirm it to me, she is scared th
…Tyler POV…Watching Jenna, there is a crippling fear that is settling over every bone in my body. Yes, I want to know, in fact, I have the right to know.So, I have put tension between us again on what is supposed to be a happy day, but happiness is not what is filling me...There is only one thing that is consuming me now…and that is…FEAR.Why? Why must such an emotion come to bring you down in moments when you should feel happy.Well, guess what?I have known fear for a very long time. My whole life, to be precise. We've been together through everything, the good times and, yup, definitely the bad. Looking back, I wonder why it was there when I've been happy, why it questioned my happiness, but I guess it just didn't want to feel left out of the party. It just wanted to keep reminding me that it was there, like a security blanket, promising to never leave my side.So as I have to sit and endure t
…Jenna POV…It is early morning and the rays of the sun are lying hot on Tyler's body.Walking out of the Doctor's rooms was the hardest thing that I had to do yesterday. Tyler did not come in when the Doctor did the examination, so he does not yet know the results. I know that it is killing him and that he wants to know but there is a part of him that wishes he did not.How do I even start this conversation? All I know is I know what it is that I am destined to do. So as he starts to stir from his rest, I take his face between my hands, "Hey.""Have you been staring at me while I was resting my eyes?""Perhaps…"Taking Tyler's hand, I slide it up my thigh, slipping his fingers under the seams of my shirt…He only but smiles, "Now this is a way that I wish to be disturbed."His hand grips tight onto my waist. My hand is moving up his leg, my fingers gently grazing his hard length. His body is trembli
...Tyler POV...As I lay here next to Jenna, things have gone oddly quiet. It is one of those uncomfortable silences that we have grown so used to. I do not think I can face the fact that these are not my babies. In fact, I do not even want to know. All I know is this is going to break us again. I don't know how many more times do we need to go down this road, so as I am getting ready to get dressed and get the fuck out of here, I think of the one thing that I would want to say to her now.Well, I guess it would go something like this..."Dear JennaFrom the first moment we met, I knew there was something different about you. Maybe you were the first person to treat me kindly. But, no. It was more than that. There was an aura about you that I could never quite get around. A wave of self-sufficiency, a wall of independence that no one would ever break down. It haunts me to this day. I could never compete with that, I'm a big enough person to admit it. I re
...Jenna POV...Tyler has left the room, he does not want to face reality. I know the truth needs to be revealed, but he is scared beyond compare and right now I am the last person that he wants to see.So as he leaves the driveway, I grab a comfy blanket and my notebook to start planning. But I soon find myself writing him a letter."My dear Tyler,For days I’ve been looking for the right words to express my feelings to you. To the man I love.And I hope I won’t disappoint you because there is so much I would like to say to you and there are not enough words to explain my deepest thoughts about you.Thank you for entering my life when I least expected it and when I most needed it.Thank you for regaining my hope when I’d almost given up on my dreams to find someone with whom I’d share my laughter and tears and with whom I won’t be afraid to be who I truly am.I know it wasn’t that easy when
…Tyler POV…So I could just not keep my mouth shut. I just had to say it. My exact word, "They are not mine, are they?"So I found myself sleeping in the guest room last night.The next morning, I decide to make her a strong cup of tea.I knock.No answer.I knock harder.Still no answer.I knock again.Again no answer.Should I just go in or wait?I will just say I had to get something.When I enter the room, it is empty. She is not here; her clothes seem to be gone as well as all those shoes in their boxes are gone too. Everything that is Jenna or what was Jenna is gone. She is gone. The babies are gone.She is gone.Perhaps she is only but outside.No.She is not there.She is gone.Not fucking again!Jenna left thinking I am a shit-ass husband, an even shittier father.In an instant, it is all away.Everything is taken a
…Jenna POV…This is the first morning in a very long time that I wake up alone. The view from up here is absolutely amazing; it is kind of sad that I cannot share it with someone by my side. This is also the most alone I have been in a very long time too. There is a big part of me that just wants to phone him, but I know that I should be strong and not give in so easily to him. If things are meant to be, then they will be.I need to start planning, and also I need to start reading up on baby stuff all over again because I know absolutely nothing.It is scary, but I am so excited.But I wish Tyler was here. I know I should not; he will just break my heart and crush the excitement I feel with the babies.I wonder if I can trust Sandra not to tell him that I have spoken to her.I take my laptop out. I know I am going to regret this, but I need someone's help. I start typing the email"Hi, Sandra, I know everyone is pretty m
…Tyler POV…It has been another two weeks that have passed, and we still have nothing. She does not want to be found, I must come to terms with it, but I will not; I am not ready to give up.Between my home and the tavern, I have not spoken much and feel like a stranger in my own house.…Jenna POV…Sandra and I have gone twice to the doctor again. I am officially ten weeks pregnant now. My cravings are totally out of control. I have wanted combinations of food that no normal person would eat. My absolute best is pickles and Nutella.I have started building things together for the nursery. I must say I have become quite an online shopper. The only thing though, I am not sure if I am shopping for boys or girls. I have not wanted to find out the sex yet. Maybe with my next visit.…Tyler POV…It has been far too long now. She should be about ten weeks pregnant. I have missed such a big part of the
Life for Jenna and me have been a real rollercoaster, our love for each other has been tested and pushed to the limits for so many times. That we are still together after it all does still amaze me. I guess maybe there was a side of us that never thought it would go past three months of marriage. Guess we were not prepared for life.And our life and love will now once again be tested.So not wanting to seem too alarmed, I look at her as the words come from her mouth, “I bumped into Luke.” And not even having to ask her, she then continues, “He did ask about the babies but was not quite alarmed that it could possibly be his.”“Are you sure? Are you sure that he is not coming to come knocking much later on when he starts to wonder more?”“Tyler, I cannot guarantee what he will do in the future, but as for the immediate now, he has not said a word. He only said he is happy for you and me.”There is a wav
…Jenna POV… You can't have healing without sickness. Your body can stand almost anything; it is your mind that you need to convince. It is two weeks today. Two weeks. Fuck. Time is just gone. It is two weeks since the chemo has started, and I am getting really sick. I am still trying to convince myself that my body can win this. But each day, as I look in the mirror and I see something new that is slipping away, I am losing hope. The only one that is not losing hope is Tyler. It is you that are fighting for both of us. You have been there beyond what is even required. From the moment I met you, I knew I'd love you forever, that you were something precious, perfect. After four months of marriage, I still get butterflies when looking into your eyes. You've made me a better person, given me a more fulfilled life, and you've given me a happiness that I didn't know existed. Our lives have changed immensely since that frightening, confusing, life-ch
…Tyler POV…Jenna, when I think about you, I understand what the Hollies meant when they sang, "Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you."Our love life can be rivaled to the 4th of July fireworks.I still love you and I always will.I have spent my life believing in Love. My heart has been beaten, my heart has been ripped, it has been stamped on, and more than once as you know. But I kept on believing. Because I love Love because I consider life not worth living if you don’t allow your heart to pound.And it is pounding and it is being pounded on, and you turned it all upside down. My schedule, my emotional comfort zone, my whole life. I couldn’t understand what was going on, and really I didn’t want to understand. I didn’t try to plan ahead, I didn’t want to build false hopes, for the very first time in my life I completely let go.I really fell in love…Lovin
...Tyler POV...I have just brought Jenna back home after her first session of chemotherapy. She does seem somewhat surprisingly fine at the moment, but I know that it is only but a matter of time before the fatigue and nausea will hit her.Does this Cancer not scare me? It scares the hell out of me. But I love her. And love will outnumber, overshadow and overcome all obstacles and odds that are thrown in our way.She is the love of my life. She is my wife. And there is no other place I would rather be.Thinking of her brings me warmth, it fills me up and threatens to consume me in every possible way. I would simply die if I could not be with her."Can I kiss you?""You are so polite in asking.""I cannot go…"I place my fingers against his soft lips and wrap his face in my hands. I pull his face closer until there is nothing but a mere breath between our lips. Then I softly whisper. "I thought you would never ask."
...Tyler POV...It breaks my heart that everything is again falling apart slowly. I always thought that we would get out of this stronger. But there was always this fear that I will lose her in more ways than one.So I am left here with nothing but my thoughts; if Jenna won't talk, then I hope that she will listen.What is the worst that she can do? Throw me out of the room?I can see there is a slight irritation in her eyes, but she allows me to take her hand. Once she is settled, I softly whisper. In the days before, I used to tell our babies stories. Now, now I am left with...well, it is just her and me again. So I need for her to listen."Jenna.""Yes, Tyler?""I don't want to lose you.""I don't want to talk about this, Tyler.""Then please just listen."She sits up straight and looks me into the eye, waiting rather impatient."Please, Tyler. Can this not wait until later?"With that, I sit back
Faith is about believing. You don't know how it will happen, but it will happen.Sebastian is sitting next to me, holding my hand so tight that it is becoming numb. He has dozed off and looks so peaceful as he is sleeping. I do not want to wake him up; he has not had a decent night's rest in what seems to be ages. He stays up every night, every day; he is awake almost every waking moment looking after me. He needs these few moments.I am writing this letter as a token of my love to him, as a keepsake for him to treasure, and as a reminder of my commitment to us and to our life together."To my dear love,I want you to know that I love you, ALL OF YOU, and I always will. I am committed to our marriage until death does us part. At times, in moments of deep frustration, I may have questioned otherwise, but that was my immature way of seeking love from you when I should have been looking for you to fill the void in my temporarily wandering heart.Belov
...Jenna POV....Strength grows in the moments that you think you cannot go on, but keep going on anyway.That is so much easier said than done.This morning I do not have the strength to do anything at all. Even the dreaded steps that I need to the bathroom every time my body decides to give in is even too much for me.Much to Tyler's horror, I started getting really sick throughout the night. Now, this morning I wish I can say it is because I have morning sickness, but somehow I do not think it could ever be so bad.What is bad is Tyler insisting on holding my hand every time I do. I so wish that he did not have to go through this; in fact, I do wish that I did not have to go through this. But I guess that this is the hand that we have been dealt, and even though it is incredibly unfair, I need to find that strength that Tyler wants me to.But I can't.The sad thing is, I am going to die.So as Tyler takes me back for what se
…Tyler POV…So it has begun.We have been married for four months now, and it feels like just four months ago that we overcame this battle. In fact, through all the craziness of the past four months, it only but feels like we have come full circle. We are right back to where we have started.Well, almost.Jenna has Cancer.There is a lot of speculation and so many unanswered questions.This time, I am not worried about myself; this time, I am worried about the babies, and most of all, I am concerned about Jenna. I do not even know, and I have not even dared to ask what the chances are for Jenna to carry a full-term pregnancy. I guess being left in the unknown sometimes is far easier than having to know all the answers. For once, I can honestly say that I do not wish to know any of them at all.The only question?Where do I find not one but two miracles?Well, I am searching, but by judging the fact at the r
…Tyler POV…We have just come back from a great ordeal. Jenna has only just survived, should I even dare to say, an experience that could have gone different in so many ways with Brendan and then me with my very own near-death scare, now we are heading to the very same destination again. This is not something that one comes back from unscathed. I need Jenna to know that we are okay. This may not be tonight, tomorrow, or the next day, but everything is going to be okay.Now let me tell you a story of a man so lost and incomplete that he dwelled for years in trying to find that one thing that he eluded him so, love. The man that tells you that they do not desire to experience love and not be love in return is not only a liar and a fool. The craving to be loved is a desire that every man wants. I have that love for Jenna, and I know that she has that love for me. We can overcome all of this; we need to be strong.I, myself, am a strong person, but eve
...Jenna POV...We are getting the results of the tests back today.As I am sitting and waiting for Tyler in the bedroom, I can hear as he and the Doctor are having a full-blown argument over the phone. I saw that crushed look on his face when we left the Doctor's room the other day. He is feeling defeated once more again as we have entered the unknown. So he is at heads with the Doctor because they have not received the results. He is hurting once more again, and do I even dare to say it is my fault.So as I see him step through the door, it crushes my heart to pieces. His shoulders are slump, with his head hanging down to the floor. I can see his hands are trembling, and his knuckles are red; he must have hit the wall. The Tyler I know would not have done it; this is a broken man. I don't know where his pieces are to put him back together again. But as his eyes meet my concerned face, he forms the weakest of smiles around his lips. At least he is trying, but I