Chapter 1

Everyone around me was either scared of me or admired me. It could be a mixture of both and I didn't blame them. Sometimes I am scared of me too.

High school is hard and sometimes you need to blend in to survive. But after that night, the night that haunts my dreams and has me confessing my sins during Sunday mass, I feel myself becoming more and more scared. Feral, almost. Like I am afraid of losing my place or stepping out of line which could make my future disappear.

I wasn't the person to put the dynamite in those geeks' rocketship. And I also wasn't the person who laughed about it afterwards, shocked at first while riding in the bed of Daniel Greyson's truck, then nervously laughing until the site was behind us.

But I was the person who called 911 after the kid lit the chemistry experiment off in the open field. And I was the person who had Danny pullover so I could vomit on the side of the road at the thought that those kids could be dead at what was supposed to be a stupid prank.

This all started because one of those kids got Johnny a B on a paper instead the A that he paid them to get. My friends thought it was important to "teach those nerds a lesson," as Johnny Matthews had put it.

It sure taught me a lesson.

That all happened the summer going into my junior year. That school year, the chemistry club got canceled because of the "freak accident" and the parents became delirious that that could have been their kid. But instead, their kids took up chess club or spanish club while one boy spent the school year in the hospital.

That boy, Nathaniel Haynes, became blind after that rocket exploded in his face. Rumor has it, he was kept in refinement for physiological reasonings after coming to terms he would never see again. That's what kept him out of public school for the year.

I never noticed Nathaniel Haynes before that night. I never paid much attention or acknowledged that he was top of the class academically, one above me. Nor did I pay attention that he lived just down the street from my two story, bricked home.

I kept tabs on the Haynes kid during his time in the hospital. I took up community volunteering and church work too. I did so as some sort of blanket of security that I could redeem myself for not speaking up that night. The guilt sometimes crushed my chest like a cylinder block being pressed into my sternum at the fact that I didn't tell my friends not to follow through with it, that it was a stupid idea and we should have gone out for a movie and pizza instead. Like I really wanted to do.

Things would be different if I had. Nathaniel would still have his sight, I wouldn't be so guilt ridden that I donate half my paychecks from my part time job as a waitress to the North Carolina Health and Human Service for the Visually Impaired every month. Nor would I troll past the Haynes' house and talk myself down into knocking on their door and spilling all the details of that night.

It really wouldn't make a difference in the end, I have told myself over and over again. It wouldn't bring back Nathaniel's eyesight.

----

"Kelly, I need you to be honest." My best friend since middle school, Alyssa, looks at herself in her pocket sized locker mirror. A slight smirk graces her fair features, turning her bright brown eyes narrow. "How freaking awesome is the year going to be?"

I have to laugh because my friend is much more enthusiastic than me. I enjoyed school. I get good grades though people always gossip that I have someone do it for me because how could someone who was popular be smart too? The whole concept makes me roll my eyes. But I never confirm or deny the rumors.

I can't help it that I like being involved in things. I am president of my senior class, captain of the cheer team, volunteered for my church, student council, and anything that I can put on my resume that would make me stand out to Ivy League Schools.

I am lucky that my high school career was thus far easy and dare I say, I am a little frightened to leave the safe halls of Stanton High School. So to say that Alyssa's excitement to leave was beginning to give me anxiety, was an understatement.

"I hope it's all that it's cracked up to be."

"God, you're so depressing, Kel," Alyssa teases, shutting her locker. "Stop worrying about the future and have some fun while you're young! Go out this weekend, rekindle the flame with Danny, and give him a good time, too."

I smile sheepishly at my best friend because it didn't pass me that she figured my boyfriend Danny and I were having problems. We used to be all passion, private makeout sessions between cheer and football practice behind the bleachers, constant texting, and hour long phone calls. But things changed between us ever since last summer.

The only reason we kept seeing each other was because, well, let's face it, it was good for our image. He was the star football player and I was the head cheerleader. It was all about the cliches.

I know that she is right but, not to be mean, Alyssa really doesn't have much going for her. She was tall and Latina and every guy's wet dream with her long wavy hair and big brown eyes. But she isn't the smartest; book wise or street. She would most likely become someone's trophy wife and never have to work a day in her life. Just like her mother. And mine.

I never understood how my mother could be a Dartmouth graduate and never work a day in her life. That will not be me. I will not rely on anyone to make my life good.

With a neurosurgeon father working 24/7, my mother and I are more than comfortable. My big haired mother got to buy all the fancy china and blowouts her little Southern heart desires and I get to go to the college of my dreams, Dartmouth. That is, if I get in.

Having a part time job is my idea. My parents do not approve, arguing that it takes away time from my school work but everyone else had a job. Plus, it gets me away from the in-crowd that seems to suck me in like a tsunami for a few hours out of my night.

But I try my hardest not to come off as rich or snobby, though some would say differently, with my nice clothing, designer handbags, and baby blue convertible. What I lack in conservative, I thrive in service.

Ever since last year's headlines of horror, I took the social high roads of being kind to every clique that walked the halls of Stanton. Whether they were band nerd or emo junkies, I always smile their way every morning or went out of my way to help dye Mary Wilson's hair the darkest shade of black in the girl's bathroom. I try telling myself that I am a good person but my guilty conscience tells a different story.

"Kelly," Alyssa drones, waving her hand infront of my face. She must have been repeating my name several times by the annoyed look now on her heart shaped face. "You zoned out again."

"Sorry," I sigh. I slam my locker shut and fall into step with the rest of the sea of students. I don't miss how the hall immediately parts to let me walk comfortably as I make my way to first period. "I'm just stressed. I haven't gotten an answer from Dartmouth, yet."

Alyssa lowly groans and she steadies herself on the stairway railing. She flings her long ponytail from her shoulder and gives me a pointed look.

I walk past her while ignoring her typical are-you-kidding-me-Kelly look.

"I sent my letter in months ago." I could talk and talk Alyssa's ear off until my face was purple about how important this was to me to get into this university but I would probably pass out from exertion in doing so.

"Would you chill?--" Alyssa waves away a nerdy boy with a backpack bigger than him who dodges to get out of her way.

"Good morning, Joshua!" I call as the boy runs away. He looks frighteningly over his shoulder at me before he disappears into a classroom.

"--The first bell hasn't even rung yet and you're giving me headache."

"Well, sorry for burdening you." I can't get too mad because I know she was getting tired of me talking about the same thing repeatedly.

Alyssa swings her arm around my shoulder and sighs melodramatically. "I forgive ya." She presses her cherry red lips against my cheek in a quick very Alyssa like gesture and then saunters up the stairs to her first period. "See you later!"

I watch as every boy watches her swing her hips down the hallway. She knew people were watching her and she loves it. Me on the other hand, felt like everyone was reading my mind. I knew I wasn't ugly, with my long blonde hair and sapphire set eyes, but I will never look like Alyssa. She is curvy while I am lean but too top heavy which men love but I hate because it makes me have to buy shirts a size bigger. 

Sometimes I wonder why Alyssa isn't more popular than me. This may make you roll your eyes, but being popular is a burden. At least it is to me. People are always watching, always waiting for you to slip up so they can knock you down a peg. Which brings me back to the questions as to why Alyssa isn't at the top? She can certainly handle it with more grace than me in present day.

But then I remember that she is in certain ways. She likes to party, which so do I, but she is the center at every one. She's a dancer while I am a talker, she is a blackout drinker while I have a few and then help her home. Alyssa is happygolucky and I am a planner. We balance each other out and I think that's what makes us such great friends.

"Hey, babe." Danny swings a strong hand over my shoulders and sneaks around to plant a kiss on my lips.

I flinch, startled, but he pretends not to notice. He guides me up the stairs and presses me lightly against the nearest wall. He hovers over me in a way that leaves me feeling small and cornered.

I swallow and push away the negging feeling that he did this on purpose. "Hi."

He leans forward again and presses his puckered lips into the crook of my neck and begins to suck on my sensitive skin there. I push at him lightly, as to not cause a scene in the hallway swarming with curious eyes.

Danny inches back with an annoyed look on his sunkissed face. But once he sees my cheeks tainted with embarrassment from his PDA, the frown turns up into a smirk.

"I think it is still so adorable that you get embarrassed so easily," he badgers, leaning back in.

But before he can kiss me again, I rest my hand against his chest to make him back up. "I'm not embarrassed," I half lie. I can't confess that it feels wrong for me to return his affection.

Alyssa is right. Danny and I used to be really into each other. We started dating after a few drunken hookups at some parties. He wasn't my first boyfriend, but he was my longest. But our relationship is starting to feel forced. At least on my end it was. I figure I could hold onto the tiny thread that was attaching us to each other and wait for graduation to end things between us. He is already getting scouted by schools all over the country and none of them were Ivy Leagues.

Fate is pretty much doing the work for me.

"Sure," Danny teases, pecking me on the lips.

"I'm not," I say wrapping my arms around his toned waist. "I just prefer to have you all to myself and not give any of these girls any ideas of what you can do with those lips of yours."

We both turn our heads and sure enough, girls snap their necks the other way as to not get caught staring.

"Can I walk you to your first class?" He asks. He pushes off against the wall and I am finally free of his hold. I stand up straighter and adjust my skirt around my waist.

"It's actually right here." I point to the first door on our left.

"Okay." Danny pouts and it makes his kissable lips look alluring but the fireworks were now replaced with dynamite explosions that leaves me seeing red instead of stars.

"I'll see you at lunch?" I lift my bag higher on my shoulder and start to walk away.

"Sure."

I don't miss the twinge of annoyance in his voice but before I can make myself care, I rush into the door before the bell can signal that I am late for Biology.

I find a desk in the back after a few other cheerleaders waved me over to sit with them. Once I am settled in my seat I feel my body relax. I know it is wrong to string Danny along but I can't get myself to give up the one thing that has been a constant in my life the last couple of years. It may sound silly, but being with him makes me feel like things are normal. It was just a given that we were together.

"Okay class, calm down." Mr. Faunt turns his back to the class to write his name on the board. "I hope you all had a good summer, I know I did. But I have to admit, I could have gone another month without seeing your faces or smelling your body odor."

I like Mr. Faunt. He is young, just a little over thirty, and all the girls think he is major eye candy. Me included. But he is married to the school's freshman science teacher so I know better than to waste my daydreams on him.

"Because it's the first day and this is a rather big school, instead of having you all talk about yourselves to the whole class--because who wants to do that--I'm going to pair you up to do so." The whole room groans, me included. "I know, I know, everyone hates the first day for this reason but I'm not in too big of a rush to start the syllabus right away. I'm still in my summer mind."

He passes a stack of paper down each row. I inwardly groan at the questions that are on it. No one liked talking about themselves, unless you were Alyssa, so this was always a joy. Stanton is a rather large school but I know most of the faces in my graduating class, give or take a few. So these introductions are still considered dumb in my book.

Mr. Faunt quiets the class again. "I'm going to call roll and match you up with your partners. Whom ever I pair you with today will be the person you will do your first project with. You will exchange numbers and emails so you can schedule times to meet up and get it done. This will not be an in class assignment so you will have to make time outside of school."

Faunt starts going down the list of students, calling their names and pairing them together. When he says the next name on the attendance sheet I sit up straighter. My stomach drops and the hairs on my arms go erect.

"Nathaniel Haynes..."

I see a hand slowly raise in the front row and my body feels like it shut down all together. A buzzing in my ears grows louder as I look at the back of the head and I swear that I am about to pass out.

Though he is facing away from me, I know he sported a pair of dimmed glasses to block the light from his sensitive eyes. He is taller now, or it seems so from where I am seated a few rows back. His long body folds in on itself as he sits behind the joined desk and chair.

The room seems to grow unusually silent. Nathaniel's hand goes back down.

Faunt acknowledges his presence. "Welcome back, Mr. Haynes. You will be paired with...."

It is only natural that a teacher would choose pairs by alphabetical order.

Please don't say my name, please don't say my name.

"Kelly Henderson."

Nathaniel's head angles slightly towards the back of the room where I sat. How he knew I am sitting back here was beyond me but I wouldn't have been surprised if I gasped or screamed. I know I did both in my head.

Even from the way his head is turned, I still can't see his eyes but I can see his profile. He has a strong jaw and straight nose, along with a frown on his lips. My heart gives a large thud, as if I have shoved my hand into my chest and gave my heart a fisted squeeze when Nathaniel Haynes slides down in his seat.

I feel my cheeks grow warm. Was he really embarrassed to have me as a partner? I watch him brace his right temple with his fingers and shake his head a few time as if he is reading my mind and answering me.

I feel my own self shrink in my seat as my other classmates are getting paired up with their partners.

This is karma. It has to be. This is a sign from the Big Guy upstairs telling me to properly suck it. I can practically hear Him snickering in my ear.

I jump when it turns out the snickering is in fact coming beside me. I feel someone poke my shoulder. "Lucky you, Kelly. You just got paired with the biggest nerd in the class. You're sure to get an A."

This comes from Ryan, the Stanton Stallion's full back, as he swings an arm around his barred legged partner. Yeah, he looks like the jealousy is eating him alive. Note the sarcasm.

I force a breathy laugh and begin to gather my things to walk up to the front row to where Nathaniel Haynes is sitting.

This is going to be a long semester.