FOUR

 HAYFA’S POV

 I rushed upstairs to my room, pushed the door open and walked in before I shut the rest of the world behind me. I rushed to my bed and collapsed on it, it was only then that I let the stinging tears streak down my cheeks. Painful sobs choked me and at that moment I felt like I would die.

 I shuddered at the thought of having to get married from someone who had the cursed Kassem blood running through his veins. I cursed the day I was born. I found myself wishing I could simply disappear, I wished I could run away and never look back, I wished things were different.

  Mother had invited all the family members and friends to my graduation party, even business associates would be there yet not a single soul from school was invited, none at all. They just needed an excuse to throw an extravagant party as the trailer before the real thing happened; the wedding.

 It hurt to know that I was just a pawn in their game, and I could do nothing but play along , I could  do nothing but watch as they sacrificed me.

 I wiped my tears and tried to calm myself to no avail, I couldn’t hold it in anymore so I let it all out, I wept till my heart felt lighter and then I fell asleep.

 ~~

HAIDAR’S POV

“You have to sort your feelings out, you have let go of the feelings of hurt and anger, you have to focus on what makes you happy, what gives you peace of mind”.  Doctor Jamal spoke calmly.

 I stared at him, my usual smile plastered on my face. It was obvious that I was unaffected by what he was saying. He was the sixth therapist I had seen, and amongst all of them he seemed to look beyond depression and was saying things that actually connected with me, not enough to affect me though.

 You don’t have to hide behind a smile all the time, at times you have to let it all out”. He said, my smile faltered and my mood suddenly dampened even more, there was no denying that his words affected me now. “You have to talk about your problems”.

 I cleared my throat quietly.

 How could I possibly begin to talk about my problems? Where would I begin, what would I say to him? He sat there blinking behind his thin framed spectacles.

 We were seated in his office which seemed more of a library than a white and hollow consulting room, the books and al gave it a nice and almost comforting ambience.  I sighed and leaned back into my seat, I met his gaze again, he blinked.

 I sighed.

 “I don’t know where to begin”. I said honestly.

 “Anywhere is fine”. He prompted.

 I nodded. Could I really trust him? Something deep within me trusted him completely , his almost completely greyed hair made him look respectable and trustworthy.

 “I am lost, I’m empty……”. I averted my gaze from his, not wanting him to see the helplessness and vulnerability in my eyes.  “I am living a life which just doesn’t seem to be mine, I don’t want  to go on like this”.

 “You speak of find peace and what gives me happiness but in reality I have none”. I said. “I live everyday knowing I do not want to live like his yet I do not know how exactly I want to live”.

  I reached out, took the bottled water in front of me and poured some into the glass cup beside it, I stared into the clear liquid for a while before I raised the rim to my lips and took a long sip.

 “I don’t know when I started feeling like this but it seemed I have failed myself”. I said as I set the glass aside. “I’m to meet the woman I’m supposed to marry tomorrow, it’ll be our first meeting, and I’m torn between being the regular Haidar Kassem she’s heard about or just….me, a dull and broken soul who needs to sit at a therapist’s office once every week to keep from going adrift”.

 He seemed to be listening intently, occasionally scribbling something on hiss note pad.

 “Sometimes I look around and I see people living their lives happily, I see such peace and joy in their eyes, and I wonder where exactly it was that I went wrong”.

 I said nothing after that, just stared blankly at a book on the table, my gaze lingered on the bold title but at that moment I found I couldn’t make out the letters, my mind was too far gone to read.

 “Mr. Kassem, what do you think about love and affection?”. Dr. Jamal’s voice brought me back to my senses.

 I blinked to clear my raw eyes, having stared unblinkingly for a while had left them quite sore.

 “Pardon?”. I asked him almost disbelievingly.

 I had poured out my entire soul to him,, and just when I thought him more approachable than the rest he brought it down to something as cliché as love and affection.

 “What do you think about love and affection?”. He asked again.

 How would I know though? After all I had never had those feelings before, I had never felt them before, not from my parents and not within me.

 “I don’t know Doctor, but I do know that I do no need them”. I said. “I have come this far without them”.

 “And look all the good it’s done you”.

 His words, they knocked the breath out of my lungs. I stared at him surprised.

 “Remember Mr. Kassem, hurt people hurt people”. He said. “You `receive the exact same energy you give out, it is up to you to decide what energy that will be”.

 ~~

 The session had been concluded and I pushed my seat back and stood up as did Dr. Jamal, he extended a handshake and smiled warmly at me ,I shook his hand but found that I couldn’t for the life of me bring myself to smile.

 “Pleasure talking to you, Doctor”. I said.

 He nodded.

 “Likewise. See you soon Mr. Kassem”. He said.

 I nodded. And with that I exited his office,  and on stepping into the sunlight I slid on my shades and headed to my car, I was about unlocking it when my phone began vibrating, an incoming call.

 I glanced at the screen to see the caller; it was Waleed, one of my many cousins.

  “Yo”. I said as I answered. “What’s up?”.

  “Everything”. He replied causing me to roll my eyes at the familiar line.

 “Yeah?”. I asked dryly.

  “Come on man,  Hayfa’s graduation and your wedding”. He said. “First meet and all, I can’t miss that for the world”.

 “You’re coming all the way from London to attend a party?”. I said.

 What wretched times we live in.

 “Actually I flew in yesterday, nothing beats coming home for a nice soiree”. He said.

 Again I rolled my eyes. No matter how I looked at this couldn’t help but feel the whole thing was exaggerated.

  “Kam and Sam are on their way as we speak, and I’ll be staying till the wedding”. He said.

  This was turning out to be more of a family reunion that a graduation party.

  “What’s the big deal anyway?”. I asked. “This isn’t the first graduation and it most definitely isn’t the first wedding”.

 “Yeah, but it’s you”. He said. “You’re so cool and all, and  Hayfa…..she just isn’t like you, she isn’t like us, everyone wants to see how it plays out”.

 Everyone seemed to know a thing or two about her yet I remained in the dark.

 I sighed heavily.

 “I see”. Was all I said.

 “Yeah. See you tomorrow”. He said. “I’ll get across to Dayyan and find out if they are coming”.

 Of course, just what I needed; more cousins to make my life hell.

 “Great”.

 “Yup”.

 With that he hung up. I heaved another sigh before I unlocked the door and got in, I too of my shades and set it aside along with my phone. The dull and sickening throb in my head had me leaning back into the soft leather seat and closing my eyes.

 Doctor Jamal’s words played themselves over and over again in my mind and I fought hard to keep them out, I was too tired for this, I was too tired to think, I was too tired to deal with the world and its bullshit, so I shut the door and everything out like I always did.

 Tomorrow was sure as hell going to come, and I was tired of putting on a show, I would serve my wretched and broken soul to my fiancée on a silver platter ,if we were going to spend the rest of our lives together I might as well show her the side of me she would be dealing with every day.