Born To Kill: Christmas Season

“Would you prefer a big Christmas tree or a small one?” I asked Primo. He looked at me and held my hand. “How about we get a medium-sized one? It’s just the two of us, four if you count Niccolo and Marina.” I agreed. We chose a tree that was taller than me. I picked out a couple of Christmas lights and other decorations. While we passed a Victoria’s secret store, I had the urge to buy my gift for Primo. “Can you wait here? I’ll just go and buy my favorite perfume there.” He nodded and stood outside the store. I went inside and bought scented candles, and a new pair of lingerie. I also bought some perfume and I put it on top of the others so Primo wouldn’t get suspicious. I walked out and I smiled at him. 

“Thank you for waiting. Should we go now?” He nodded and we went back to the car. The tree would be delivered to the house along with the other decorations we bought. “Let’s eat first. I’m starving.” I agreed. We went to a Japanese restaurant. We ordered sushi and we ate in silence. After the meal, we went back home. The tree was already delivered. It was already in the corner, all we had to do was decorate it. I went upstairs and hid the ones I bought for Primo. I changed into my pajamas and I went back downstairs. I took out the Christmas lights and I wrapped it around the tree. There was a socket near the tree so I plugged it in. The lights were beautiful. Primo carried the box filled with the Christmas balls and other decorations.

Primo and I hung the decorations around the tree. When we were done, all that was left was the big star on top. I tried to put it on myself but I could barely reach the top. Primo took the star and he put it on. We were finally done and the sun was about to set. I stood beside Primo and held his hand as we marveled at our creation. “The lights are quite beautiful.” I sighed. Primo looked at me and smiled. We went back upstairs and Primo excused himself. He went to his office and I went to our room. I hid in the closet to look at the things I bought. The lingerie I bought was a little too revealing for me but it didn’t matter because Primo will probably just rip it off my body once he sees me in it. 

I heard Primo enter the room and I quickly hid everything. I walked out feeling a bit nervous but I tried to act normal so he wouldn’t notice that I was hiding something. He sat on the bed and turned on the TV. I sat next to him. “Would you like to watch a movie?” He asked. I nodded and he put on the movie “The Equalizer.” I got excited. “This is my favorite movie.” He smiled. We watched the movie together and when it ended, we went downstairs to eat dinner. After dinner, I took a quick bath and I put on my nightgown. I went to bed and Primo followed. 

“Today was fun.” I said with a smile on my face. Primo pulled me closer to him. I moved up so our faces would meet. He looked at me, confused. I cupped his face and gave him 24 quick kisses. “Did you count how many kisses I gave you?” He shook his head. “24 kisses for 24 days until your birthday.” He chuckled. He wrapped me in his arms and gave me a kiss on the forehead. “So does that mean I’ll get 23 kisses tomorrow?” I nodded. He smiled and closed his eyes. I closed mine too and I rested my head on his chest. “Goodnight la mia tesoro.” I smiled and uttered a goodnight before falling asleep.

It was Christmas Eve and tonight, I will be giving my gift to Primo. I felt so nervous that it felt more than butterflies were in my stomach. Niccolo and Marina will be here for dinner. I paced the living room that I felt the sole of my shoes would run down. Primo came up behind me and I jumped from his touch. “Are you okay? You seem nervous.” I shook my head. “I’m just excited to see Marina.” I hope he couldn’t tell that I was lying. He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. Phew. That was close. 

It was around 6 pm when Niccolo and Marina arrived. We greeted them when they came in. Marina gave me a gift and I put it under our Christmas tree. We were in the living room when Isla brought out the drinks. I filled my glass with wine to give me a little bit of courage for tonight. Marina must’ve noticed how fidgety I was. She came up to me when I was in the kitchen. “What’s wrong with you?” I looked at her acting confused. “What’re you talking about?” She gave me the are-you-kidding-me look. I sighed. “I’m nervous about tonight.” Her eyes widened. “You’re planning on giving him your…” She didn’t speak but she pointed at my legs. I nodded. She suddenly squealed. 

“Don’t be nervous. It’ll hurt but just for a few seconds and after that it’ll be worth it.” I looked at her with disgust. “How do you…? Wait, please don’t tell me. I don’t want to ruin my appetite.” She giggled. “Why are you so grossed out when I talk about sex?” I covered her mouth. “Ssshh. Not so loud. It’s supposed to be a surprise.” She nodded and I put my hand down. “I mean seriously Luna, you get disgusted when I talk about it but you like it when things get bloody.” I scratched the back of my head. “I don’t know. I’m not like you who is so open about their sex life.” I turned my back on her and drank the rest of my wine. I placed the glass on the counter and I faced her. 

“Trust me, it’ll only hurt for about a few seconds and then it’ll go away and pleasure will take its place.” I hope she’s right. We went back to the living room where Primo and Niccolo were talking. I sat next to Primo and Marina sat next to Niccolo. We were having a conversation about the events happening in California when Niccolo suddenly told me something really unexpected. “We want to tell you something Luna.” I looked at Primo and he was looking curiously at them. “What is it?” I grabbed Primo’s glass and took a sip of wine. “Marina and I were planning on having a baby soon.” I suddenly choked on the wine when I heard what Niccolo said. I was coughing so hard that Primo had to pat my back to get the wine out of my windpipe. 

When I calmed down, I looked at the both of them. They were both laughing. “Are you serious?” Marina looked at me and shook her head. I sighed in relief. I rolled my eyes at them and Primo held my hand. “I told you she’d react like that.” Marina said to Niccolo. Niccolo put his arm around Marina and it made me smile. “But to be honest, I wouldn’t mind if you had a baby. I was just surprised from the sudden news. It’s your responsibility after all.” Niccolo and Marina looked at each other and smiled. 

“What about you Primo? I wouldn’t mind if you had a baby. I’d like to be the cool uncle.” Niccolo said to Primo. Primo just smiled. I’m glad he’s not pushy about having kids. I would like to have kids but not right now. I don’t think I’m ready to become a mother. We were joking around when Isla called us in for dinner. She’ll be leaving tonight to spend the holidays with her family. We went to the dining room and we took our seats on the table. The food was delicious and we ate while having random conversations. 

After dinner, Niccolo and Marina said Merry Christmas and they went back to their home. Primo and I were left alone. He held my hand and we went upstairs. I already set the mood inside our room. The candles were spread across the room. When Primo entered the room, he smiled. “Did you do this?” I nodded. Primo sat on the bed and I lit the candles. “You stay here. I’ll just go to the bathroom and change.” He smiled and gave me a quick kiss before letting me go. I went to the bathroom and I changed into the sexy lingerie I bought. I stepped out of the bathroom very slowly, letting his eyes wander all over my body. I walked closer to him and his eyes held possessiveness in them. 

“You are gorgeous.” I smiled. He stood up and kissed me. I slowly took off his coat and tie. He carried me and placed me on the bed. We were still kissing while I unbuttoned his shirt. My hands wandered down to his pants and I took off his belt. I unbuttoned his pants and he managed to take them off and not break the kiss. We stopped momentarily to catch our breath. He looked at me intently. “Are you sure?” He asked. I nodded and cupped his face. “Please be gentle.” He smiled and gave me a sweet kiss. 

His hands traveled all over my body. He caressed my breasts while he was kissing me, making me moan. He ripped off the lingerie from my body. His mouth went down to suck my nipples. I could feel something hard resting on my leg. His mouth went lower until he reached my folds. I could feel my wetness pooling in between my legs. He slowly took off my underwear revealing my wet opening. He sucked on my clit as he fondled with my breasts. My orgasm was building up. “Tell me if you’re going to cum.” I nodded. He put a finger inside me and it made me moan. “Primo…” I couldn’t finish my sentence when he suddenly put another finger in and it made me cum. He continued to finger me while sucking on my clit. I came two more times. 

He positioned himself on top of me. He looked into my eyes before giving me a kiss of encouragement. “Tell me if it hurts too much.” I nodded. He placed his member in between my legs. I could feel it slowly grazing my entrance. He slowly put it in. A jolt of pain ran through my body. I grabbed onto him. He pushed in a little bit more and the pain was getting worse. “Can you handle it? I’ve only pushed in the tip.” I shook my head. “It’s bearable.” He pushed in a little more and a tear rolled down my cheek. I held onto him for support. He gave it one last push and it felt like he hit my stomach. 

“Is it too painful?” I shook my head. “Don’t move just yet.” He pressed his body on me. His arms were on my side to support his weight. I could feel the pain evaporating. I motioned him to move. He pulled out very slowly. It was still painful but something behind the pain was beginning to appear. He thrust in and the pain wasn’t that noticeable than before. Pleasure started to take its place. He thrust in and out and the pleasure was overwhelming. He went a little faster and I felt my mind go blank. He moved his face closer to mine and we kissed. He adjusted his position and when he pushed it in, I moaned his name. He hit something inside that felt really good.

“Luna, I’m about to cum.” His thrusts were fast and I could feel his member throbbing inside me. A few more thrust and I could feel his juices filling my insides. He lay next to me and I snuggled up to him. We were both panting. I looked at him and he smiled at me. “Happy Birthday Primo.” I gave him a kiss and he wrapped his arms around me. “That was the best gift I have ever received.” I smiled. He pulled the covers over us and he gave me a kiss on the forehead before closing his eyes. 

“Goodnight Cuore mio.” He whispered. I looked at him and my heart swelled. “Goodnight mi amor.” I closed my eyes. I admit it, I love Primo and not just because we made love but because I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He wrapped me tighter in his arms and it made me feel safe. 

The next morning was like hell. I woke up and the first thing I felt was pain in between my legs. I stood up and went to the bathroom. I thought it would only hurt last night but Jesus I felt like I was giving birth while peeing. I stepped out of the bathroom and Primo was already up. He was sitting up on the bed and when he heard me open the bathroom door, he stood up and went to my side. “Sore?” I nodded. He carried me and gently put me down on the bed. I was hoping we could do it again tonight but I had second thoughts on that. 

“Don’t move. I’ll get you breakfast.” I slowly sat up and looked at him. “You’ll get me breakfast? Are you going to cook?” He nodded. I giggled. “I would like to go downstairs. I have to show you something.” I took my underwear and put it on. Primo handed me one of his shirts and I put it on. I tried to stand up on my own but Primo carried me before my feet could even touch the ground. He was just wearing his boxers while we went downstairs. He put me down on the counter but I stood up and went to the fridge to take out the cake I made for him. 

“Tada! Happy Birthday!” I placed the cake in front of him and he looked surprised. “When did you make this?” I smiled and gave him a kiss. “Yesterday, when you were still upstairs.” He smiled at me and gave me a kiss on the forehead. He took a knife, a fork and a plate from the kitchen. I let him slice the cake and he took a big one. I grabbed the fork and took a small piece. I held it in front of his mouth and he opened it. I waited for his verdict patiently. 

“How does it taste?” He looked at me and smiled. Suddenly, he kissed me and I could taste the cake in his mouth. “You tell me.” I giggled. He took the fork from my hand and he ate the cake slice. He must’ve loved it because he took the knife and cut another piece. “I’m glad you like it.” He stopped eating and looked at me. He held out his hand and I took it. He pulled me towards him and I sat on his lap. He cupped my face and we locked eyes. “This has been the best birthday I have ever celebrated.” I smiled and hugged him. “Well, this has been the best Christmas I have ever celebrated.” I let him go and he pulled my face closer to his. “And the best thing about today is I got to be with you.” I couldn’t believe my ears. I felt my heart beat so fast that it might jump out of my chest. I felt so happy that I gave him the sweetest kiss I could ever give. 

After breakfast, Primo carried me back to our room even though I told him that I could walk, he insisted that he carry me back up. He placed me on the bed and he turned on the TV. “Do you want to take a shower first?” I nodded. He carried me to the bathroom and undressed me. He drew me a hot bath to alleviate the pain from my privates. I thought he was going to leave me in the bathroom but I was surprised when he undressed and sat behind me in the bathtub. 

“Are you comfortable?” I nodded. He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. “Primo, tell me something.” He caressed my hair. “About what?” I held his hand. “Something completely random about yourself.” I positioned myself so I was sitting sideways on his lap. He held me like a baby. “Okay, I’ll tell you a secret that no one, not even Niccolo knows of.” I looked up at him, curious. 

“When I was a kid, I fell in love with a girl I didn’t even know.” My eyes widened. “You fell in love?” He smiled. “Unbelievable, you might think but yes, I fell in love.” I placed my hand on his chest as I stared at him intently. “It was love at first sight. But sadly we never knew each other. She never knew I existed.” I felt sad. “Why didn’t you introduce yourself?” He shook his head. “I guess we weren’t meant to meet.” 

“That’s too bad.” I felt bad for him. “But, I saw her again.” I looked at him, surprised. “When?” He looked at me and smiled. “Just recently. And I realized my feelings never changed. I still love her.” I was happy for him but somewhere deep inside me, I felt sad. I wanted him to love me but maybe that’s why he couldn’t, because he’s in love with someone else. He must’ve noticed that I was silent. He held my face and gave me an encouraging smile. “Don’t worry about her. You’re here with me now.” I smiled at him. Maybe he’ll learn to love me. I’m hoping for it.

The next day, I received another mysterious letter. This time it didn’t have a return address. Primo was at work so Dino was with me today. I went to our room and opened the letter. All it said was to meet someone at a specified location. I know it was dangerous to meet someone in a secluded place but I really want to meet this person so these stupid letters would stop. I asked Dino to drive me to the place the mysterious sender sent me. I asked him to wait in the car, if I ever needed help. 

The place was an abandoned factory. I asked Dino not to call or tell Primo that we were meeting someone. It took me a few minutes to convince him but I’m glad I did. I entered the factory and I saw Chiara standing in the middle. I knew she was behind this. She was the only one who would anger me like this. I walked up to her and she had a nasty smirk on her face. 

“I thought you wouldn’t show up. Where’s your bodyguard, bitch?” I let out a small breath. “What do you want from me?” She laughed. “I want you gone. Primo’s mine.” I rolled my eyes. “In your dreams.” She suddenly tackled me and we both fell to the floor. She started grabbing my hair and pulling it. “He’s mine you bitch.” She shouted. I punched her in the face and she was thrown aback. She slapped me and her ring caught my lip. Blood started to trickle from my lip to my chin. She smiled menacingly. I was really angry now. 

“You messed with the wrong girl, slut.” I punched her again, this time much harder. Once she was down, I kicked her in the stomach and I pinned her down. I punched her repeatedly until blood started to come out from her nose. I stood up and brushed the blood from my chin. “Stay away from my husband and stay away from me.” I left her inside and I walked back to the car. Dino must’ve noticed my lip. “What happened?” I shook my head. “Nothing, let’s just go back home.” He didn’t say anything else and drove me back home. 

“Where have you been?” I was surprised to hear Primo’s voice when I entered the house. I looked down. He held my chin and pulled my face up to meet his. His eyes widened when he saw my torn lip. “Who did this to you?” I sighed. We went upstairs to our room and he took the medicine kit from the bathroom. He carefully wiped the blood from my lip down to my chin. “It was Chiara.” His face became grim. “That bitch! She’ll pay for this.” I held his hand to calm him down. “Don’t worry about her.” I suddenly felt guilty for what I did. 

“What did you do?” I looked down. “I was blinded by my anger. I… beat the shit out of her.” Primo chuckled. I quickly lifted my head and I stared at him. “I’ll still talk to her father. She needs to leave us alone if she wants me to spare her life and her father’s business.” He took the needle from the med kit and gave me painkillers. I closed my eyes as he pierced the needle on my lip. He was gentle and the pain wasn’t as great as I expected. When he was done, he gave me a quick kiss before returning the med kit. 

“Why did you meet up with her?” We cuddled on the bed. “She was the one who sent me the letter on the day I found you with her. She also sent me a key although I dropped it in front of the hotel room that’s why you saw me.” I tried not to recall what I saw that day but my brain insisted otherwise. He hugged me. “I’ll make sure she doesn’t come anywhere near you.” I nodded and I placed my head on his chest. 

It was New Years Eve and the four of us were on the balcony ready to meet the year. Marina and I went down to the pantry to grab a bottle of wine. I noticed that she wasn’t her usual bubbly self. “Marina, is something the matter?” She looked at me innocently and shook her head. “No, there’s no problem. Why do you ask?” I have been observing her movements lately and it seemed to me that she was having problems. “You don’t look okay.” She looked at me and smiled. “Believe me, I am okay. Maybe I’m just a bit homesick.” I put my arm around her shoulder. Maybe I’m just overthinking things. 

We went back upstairs to the balcony. Primo took the wine bottle from my hand and he opened it. He poured me a glass and gave the bottle to Niccolo. The countdown was starting and Primo held me in his arms. We chanted, ’10, 9, 8, 7, 6…’ Primo made me face him and I wrapped my arms around his neck. ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1’ He pulled me closer and we shared a kiss. Just then, fireworks crackled in the night sky. I spin my head towards the lights. I looked at Primo and he smiled at me. The lights were beautiful and it made the night even more amazing. Marina and Niccolo greeted us and we did the same. Marina and I were drinking wine when she suggested that we get heavier drinks. 

“I’ll go down and get some vodka.” Marina said and she made her way down to the pantry. Niccolo followed after her and Primo and I were left on the balcony. “Will you be drinking heavily tonight?” Primo asked. I shook my head. “I don’t want to get drunk.” He put his arm around my waist. A little later, Marina and Niccolo were back. They brought a lot of different alcohols. She poured herself a shot of vodka and gulped it down like it was just plain water. She offered me one but I refused. 

“C’mon Luna, It’s just for tonight.” I rolled my eyes and took the shot. I almost gagged. It tasted horrible. I didn’t know how it happened but every time Marina took a shot, I did too. I didn’t know what time it was but I felt dizzy that I had to sit down on the chair so I wouldn’t throw up. Niccolo stopped Marina because she was already drunk. Her words slurred and she couldn’t stand anymore. Primo suggested that they sleep here for the night. Niccolo carried Marina to one of the guest rooms. “Will you be able to stand on your own?” I shook my head. He carried me back to our room. He left me there to lock the balcony doors.

“I thought you didn’t want to get drunk?” Primo asked. I shook my head. “I don’t even know what happened.” I suddenly had the urge to vomit. I stood up and went to the bathroom. Primo held my hair while I puked my insides on the toilet. He gave me a towel to wipe my face with. “I am never drinking again.” He chuckled. He helped me stand up and I brushed my teeth. I had vomited all over my dress so Primo helped me take it off. He took my nightgown from the closet and helped me put it on. He carried me to the bed. “I’ll just change.” He went to the closet and changed. He was only in his boxers. He lied next to me and wrapped his arms around me. 

“You should sleep.” My mind was spinning and I had no control over my words. “Primo, I’m scared.” He looked at me. “Scared of what?” I trailed his abs with my finger. “I’m scared that one day you’ll get bored of me and you’ll leave me for someone else.” At this point, I had no idea what I was saying. It felt like I was unconscious but my brain was still working. “I’m scared that you’ll choose that girl you love over me.” Primo held my hand and caressed my hair. “I’m scared because I think I love you already.” Primo didn’t say anything. I started to feel sleepy. “You’re drunk. Get some sleep.” I didn’t hear his words; I fell asleep. 

I woke up the next morning with a head-splitting headache. I massaged my temples, hoping it would go away. I looked to my left and Primo wasn’t on the bed. I looked around the room but he wasn’t here. Just then, the door opened and Primo came in carrying a glass. “Hangover?” I nodded. He went to my side and gave me the glass. “What is this?” It was filled with an orange-colored liquid. I took a whiff and it smelled disgusting. “That’s for your hangover. Don’t mind the taste.” I sighed. I put the glass on my lip and I drank it all at once. I put the glass on the nightstand. “That was disgusting.” He chuckled. He cupped my face and looked into my eyes.

“Do you remember what you said to me last night?” I shook my head. “No, why? Did I say something really embarrassing?” He smiled and nodded. “What did I say?” He just smiled and gave me a kiss on the forehead. He stood up and went to the bathroom. I tried to recall what I said but I really couldn’t remember anything. I stood up and knocked on the bathroom door. “Come in.” I opened the door and went in, making sure to close the door behind me. I took off my clothes and went in the shower. He held out his hand and I took it. 

“Can you give me a clue about what I said last night?” He chuckled. “No.” I pouted. He took the soap and lathered it up on my body. “You really won’t tell me?” He shook his head and I sighed. We washed up and went out. We went to the closet to dress up and afterwards, we went down to the dining room for brunch. “Where are Marina and Niccolo?” He took a mug and he poured himself some coffee. “They went home this morning. You were still asleep so I didn’t bother waking you up.” I shrugged and took the coffee from his hand. 

A week after New Year’s Day, Marina stopped by. Primo was at work and Dino was here guarding me. “Hey sis, what brings you here?” We went to the living room. “I want to go clubbing tonight.” I was surprised by her sudden request. “What? Why?” She shrugged. “I just want to experience going to a club.” I looked at Dino and he was reading a book but I knew he was listening. “I’ll go with you. But did you ask permission from Niccolo?” She scoffed. “Why do I have to ask permission from him?” She seemed different this past few weeks and I don’t know why. “Dino, can you ask Primo if we can go to one of their clubs?” Dino nodded and took his phone from his pocket.

“He agrees only if you go to The Millennium.” I thanked him. “So, what’re you going to wear?” I asked. She gave me one of the paper bags she brought with her. “That’s for you.” I looked into the bag and there were black skinny jeans and a black tank top. I’m glad she gave me an outfit that doesn’t show too much skin. “What about you?” She showed me a really short dress that clearly shows too much skin. I pretended to like it but I really don’t. We went upstairs to change and when I saw her wearing the dress, I had mixed emotions.

“How do I look?” She asked. I smiled and gave her 2 thumbs up. Don’t get me wrong, she looks really sexy but too revealing, at least for me. It was almost 7 pm and Marina was really excited. Dino took the keys and we went outside. He drove us to The Millennium. There was a long line of people wanting to get in. Dino led us to the front. Mumbles could be heard from the people who were in line. The bouncer looked at us and when he saw Dino, he let us in. The club was packed. I went to the bar and I let Marina dance. 

“Dino, will you stay close to Marina. I’m worried someone might take advantage of her.” Dino nodded and he was watching Marina on the dance floor. The bartender offered me a drink but I refused. After what happened on New Year, I don’t think I want to drink ever again. I felt a pair of arms wrapping around my waist. I know these hands. I turned around and I met Primo’s gaze. “What are you doing in a place like this?” I smiled. “Don’t worry; I’m just here to watch over Marina. She was the one who wanted to go clubbing.” He placed a kiss on my cheek. “I’m not worried about you.” I smiled and gave him a kiss.

“Let’s dance.” I took his arm and led him to the dance floor. Primo danced with me and I could tell he was a very good dancer. After our dance, he excused himself. I gave him a quick kiss before he left. I scanned the room and I found Marina arguing with Niccolo. Well, that’s a first.  Niccolo left and Marina came back to the bar where I was sitting. She looked mad. “What happened?” She shook her head. She ordered a drink and gulped it down. I looked over to the second floor where the VIPs were and I saw a familiar face. 

“Chiara.” I whispered. Marina didn’t hear me. She was busy drowning herself in drinks. I felt the need to pee so I asked Dino to look after Marina. I went inside the comfort room and to my surprise, it was clean. I went inside a stall to do my business. Afterwards, I washed my hands and fixed my hair. I heard someone come in. I was busy fumbling inside my bag when I heard a familiar voice. “Look who’s here?” I looked to my left and I saw Chiara. I could tell she had a nose job. I might’ve broken her nose but what do I care? 

“What’s a bitch like you doing here? Scared that I might seduce your husband and he’ll leave you for me?” I rolled my eyes and ignored her. I closed my bag and looked at the mirror one last time before leaving. “You better watch what you drink bitch.” I ignored her and left. My eyes went straight to the bar. Marina wasn’t there. I looked around and I saw a guy carrying her. “Hey!” I yelled. He didn’t hear me but Dino did. Primo must’ve called him because he just came out of the other door. 

I ran towards the man and I quickly pulled Marina. He looked at me but he couldn’t get a chance to hit me because Dino arrived. Soren was also by my side. He carried Marina and ordered me to take the glass she drank from. Dino pulled the man and we were led down to an underground office. Primo and Niccolo quickly stood up when we arrived. “What happened?” Soren put Marina down on the sofa. “She was drugged sir and this bastard tried to take her.” I could see the anger in Niccolo’s eyes. 

“I didn’t know. I didn’t know she was yours.” The man defended himself. Primo held back Niccolo. Dino let him sit on a chair and he cuffed his hands behind him. He faced us and I was getting impatient. “Do you think it’s funny to try and drug my wife, Danny?” They know him? “I didn’t know. Someone just paid me to do it.” My mind quickly thought about Chiara. “I’ll be right back.” I said through gritted teeth.