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Chapter 1 - Pain
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2023-03-15 21:05:35Elieve’s Pov
Pain.
Pinahid ko ang mga luhang naglandas sa aking pisngi.
That message slaps the reality on my face. Yesterday, when I accidentally read the message from Chae's phone while we were in our overnight together with our barkada, I realize one thing. ITS. REALLY. OVER.
8 long years had passed when he left me and here I am.
Nagpapakatanga pa rin na nagiintay na babalik pa din sa dati ang lahat.
Akala ko kapag bumalik na siya galing ng Canada, babalik na kami sa dati.
Yung tipong merong SIYA, merong AKO, meron pa ring KAMI.
Pero wala.
After what happened yesterday, I haven't left my room and have spent the entire day crying my heart out. My stomach is straight up growling 'cause I haven't had a bite all day. The sharp pain in my stomach cuts through me like a knife. I haven't eaten a thing all day yesterday. I need to take a shower first and then eat out, as I have no energy for anything at the moment. Fortunately, it's Christmas break, so there are no classes, no paperwork, no lesson plans, and no teacher responsibilities.
Teaching is my passion, but in my current state, I feel like I can't face my students properly. I want to be alone to think and to indulge in my bitterness. I just want to be free. Free to be myself.
Wala kong gana pero pinilit ko ang sarili ko na tumayo.
Nagpasya akong maligo muna, sa labas na lang ako kakain dahil wala talaga akong ganang gumawa ng kahit ano ngayon.
Agad kong kinuha ang aking towel at dumeretso sa CR.
Nagsimula na akong maligo.
Naramdaman ko ang maligamgam na pagbuhos ng tubig mula sa shower.
It feels so good.
Narerelax ang buong katawan ko at kahit papaano guminhawa ang aking pakiramdam.
Mahigit isang oras na pinagsawa ko ang aking sarili sa paliligo.
Matapos iyon, lumabas na ako para magbihis.
I stood in front of the mirror, my eyes fixed on my reflection. The unshed tears in my eyes were now starting to blur my vision. All of a sudden, my mind drifted off to Athena, the woman who send the message that knock some sense on me, the woman he had left me for.
The insecurities that I had been trying to suppress suddenly took over my entire being. I couldn't help but compare myself to Athena. Her flawless complexion, her toned body, her infectious smile - everything about her seemed perfect. And then there was me, just a simple elementary teacher from a middle-class family.
Bakit ba pakiramdam ko kulang ang buong pagkatao ko para mahalin ng isang tulad niya.
Laging may mas higit sa akin.
The thought of it makes me feel small and insignificant. I look at myself again in the mirror and can't help but question my worth. Am I even worth fighting for? I let out a deep sigh, feeling defeated.
Naramdaman ko ang pamamasa ng aking mga mata.
Bago pa tumulo ang mga namumuong luha nagsimula na akong magbihis.
Simple white shirt and denim short lang ang suot ko.
Hindi na ako nagabalang maglagay ng makeup, konting powder lang at lip balm then I just bun my hair in a messy way.
As I step out of my house, the weight of my doubts and insecurities still lingers heavily on my mind. I walk down the street, my head bowed low, lost in my thoughts.
Tinatamad akong magdrive kaya nag commute na lang ako papuntang bayan.
Dito ako nagpababa sa 'Friend's Avenue', isa sa mga favorite kong resto bar.
Gusto ko ang lugar na ito dahil sa mga ganitong oras konti lang ang tao.
Since may pagka anti-social ako ngayon dito sa corner ako pumwesto at dahil ang mga upuan dito ay style couch at talikuran ang pagkaka arrange ng mga ito nakatalikod ako sa mga tao at walang makakakita sa akin kung hindi ako sisilipin sa gilid.
Agad na lumapit sa akin ang isang waitress.
"Miss, ano pong order nyo?" Tanong nito sa akin.
"Isang tapsilog with vegies, coffee, fresh apple, and isang slice ng blueberry cake." Sabi ko at pilit na ngumiti.
"Ok mam, wait nyo na lang po order nyo." Sabi niya.
Tumango na lang ako.
Kaaalis pa lang nung waitress nakaramdam na ako ng pagkabagot kaya kinuha ko ang aking phone. Kahapon ko pa nga pala hindi binubuksan ito dahil busy ako sa pagiging bitter.
I unlock my phone and to my surprise sandamukal na missed calls at messages ang bumulaga sakin.
21 missed calls.
43 messages.
Ay grabe di nila ako namiss, naku hindi halata.
Inuna kong tingnan yung call logs ko.
7 missed calls Chae.
4 missed calls Kuya Arriane
2 missed calls Kuya Jepoy
3 missed calls Kim
3 missed calls Limuel
2 missed calls Valen.
Oh, problema nung isang ‘yon, maka missed call wagas.
Ayaw ko siyang bigyan ng pansin kaya nagpunta ako sa message.
Iniscroll ko ang mga messages at lahat ay puro galing sa barkada.
Nagtatanong kung buhay pa ako bakit di daw ako nagpaparamdam.
Labas daw kami.
Sandamukal na hoy.
Tapos biglang nakita ko ang message ni Chae.
Chae: Hoy mahal na babae! Asan ka. Dumaan kami sa bahay mo kaso sarado, nasaan ka ba? bakit di ka nagrereply. Sagutin mo tawag ko!!!
Nag-init ang gilid ng aking mga mata ngunit hindi dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman ko kanina kundi sa galit.
Siguro kung noon ko ito nabasa baka kinilig ako pero hindi, naiimbyerna ako, yan ang nararamdaman ko sa message nya.
Tanga ba siya? Hindi ba nya gets na nasasaktan ako sa mga mixed signals nya.
Nakakainip napaka pa-fall. Wala ba siyang common sense, di ba niya alam na mas nakakadagdag sa paghihirap ng kalooban ko ang mga banat nyang ganun.
"Mam, ito na po order nyo."
Nagulat ako ng bahagya sa pagdating nung waitress.
Pinanood ko nalamang siya na ibaba ang lahat ng pagkain.
Matapos iyon ay tumango siya at nagpaalam na.
Nagsimula na akong kumain.
Mabigat man ang aking pakiramdam ay pilit kong inubos ang kaing pagkain.
Isinantabi ko muna ang inis na nararamdaman.
Halos kalahating oras kong inubos ang aking order at matapos iyon ay nagpasya na akong umuwi.
With a deep sigh, I rose from my chair, my stomach full and my mind focused on paying for my meal. As I took a step towards the cashier, my eyes caught sight of a figure entering the restaurant, and my heart sank. Quickly, I retreated back to my seat, feeling a sense of dread creeping over me. Talk about bad luck, I thought to myself.
To my horror, talagang kompleto pa lahat ang barkada, at naroon din si Chae.
MinimalistaAko lang ba yung naranasan itong line na ito? "Yung tipong merong SIYA, merong AKO, meron pa ring KAMI." "Pero wala. Wala na!" Hello sa mga tahimik na nasasaktan. kaya natin ito! Kaway-kaway din sa ating mga shungaernds sa pag-ibig! hahahahahaha Guys, wag pong mahiya na mag comment. salamat ng madami. love lots.
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